Hold On (Delos Series Book 5)

by Lindsay McKenna

  Callie agreed and lay down on her left side, getting her broken arm in the sling comfortable against her gowned body. Beau tucked her in and she closed her eyes, needing his calm presence. He’d actually been shot and could still act as if it wasn’t the end of the world. She’d been violently attacked and was having trouble dealing with the memories that kept surfacing when she least expected them, spiraling her back into terror like a broken record that played over and over again.

  Beau left her side and turned off the overhead light, plunging the room into darkness. She heard him moving to the chair and sitting down. “Will you be able to sleep, Beau?” she asked, closing her eyes, the exhaustion flooding through her bruised, aching body.

  “Oh, real easy, gal,” he promised. “You just sleep like an angel, Callie. I’ll be here if you need me.” Rubbing his face, he tipped his head back against the comfortable lounge chair and was instantly asleep.

  *

  Callie felt drugged as she slowly awoke, hearing the door open and then quietly close. Instantly, her mind went on red alert, and adrenaline surged through her. She jerked up into a sitting position, then gasped with pain as the sudden movement jarred her broken arm.

  “Whoa, Callie, it’s me, Beau.”

  Her heart was pounding like a drum and she realized that light was peeking around the venetian blinds covering the only window. “Oh, Beau. Thank God! You scared me for a minute …”

  Limping over, Beau could see the terror in her eyes, which were no longer drowsy but wide-open with alarm. “Sorry, gal, I didn’t mean to wake you up like this.” He reached over and carefully moved her toward him. Callie was breathing erratically, in that flight-or-flight mode he knew all too well. The wounding to her psyche, her emotions, was pervasive, and Beau felt helpless to combat it for her. He understood it was all internalized within her. Without the proper training and mind-set, anyone would react like this.

  “I just left my captain,” he told her, brushing her hair away from her face as she rested against his shoulder. “He’s not sure what to do with me. I’m on sick call and so he’s putting me on mission planning at the HQ for now.”

  “Does that mean you’ll be leaving me?”

  He heard the panic in her tone. “He’s giving me until tomorrow to be with you. Then,” he said apologetically, “I’m back on day duty Monday through Friday. I’ll get weekends off.”

  “I-I wish we weren’t here, Beau. I wish we were over at the Eagle’s Nest, just us two.”

  “I can make that happen, Callie. But first, we need to get your doctor to sign you out of here.”

  Nodding, she sat up. “I don’t want to be here. If I could just be alone with you so you could hold me, I’d feel so much better.”

  Because he’d forsaken her during the firefight, Beau felt a pang of guilt. “Sure, I’ll go look up Dr. Bartel, and you can tell her what you want.”

  “Thank you, Beau. I’d really appreciate that.”

  “Have you eaten yet?”

  “No. I’m not hungry.”

  Frowning, Beau muttered, “Gal, you’re going to have to eat something. I know you’re going through a lot, but the best thing you can do is eat and get your strength back. I’ll go find Doc Bartel, and on the way back, I’ll swing by the cafeteria and grab you a tray of breakfast vittles, okay?”

  She nodded, hating that she felt so wimpy and needy. This wasn’t like her at all. Callie had always been the strong one in their family. Now she could feel herself falling apart. Her world as she knew it had shattered into a million pieces out there on that Afghan slope. “Yes, I’d love that. Thank you, Beau.”

  Beau’s gut churned. What was going to happen to Callie? Would they send her home? Did Maggie and the Hope Charity have anything to do with her decision making or not? He had so many questions and no damned answers as he went through the cafeteria line, getting a breakfast he hoped she’d want to eat.

  Callie was so damned pale, and he knew she was on mild pain meds for her broken arm. His mouth tightened into a thin line, and he couldn’t forget that he’d left Callie unprotected when she needed him the most. How many times had he replayed his tactical decision-making process? Could he have done it any differently? Beau didn’t see it, but maybe discussing it with Matt Culver would help. Or it might not. Beau had five years in as a Delta Force operator, all of them here in Afghanistan. He knew the land, the players, and the tactics. He simply didn’t see another option besides trying to hide Callie and get to those riders before they got to her.

  But she’d not listened to him and had moved, making herself an immediate target of those riders. He hadn’t expected that. She’d gotten so scared that she’d run. It was a normal reaction for a person without military training, and Beau couldn’t fault her. Callie was already feeling guilty for talking Dara into going along with them to that village. He wasn’t about to pile more on her shoulders for her decision to run, rather than stay hidden.

  *

  As he limped toward the hospital elevators with a breakfast tray in hand, Beau wondered what this backlash might do to their budding relationship. Would Callie be so broken that it would dissolve as a result?

  He lived in a special hell where that question was concerned. So far, she hadn’t said the words, but she could. And then what? He was falling in love with her. Right or wrong, he wanted a life with Callie, but this debacle had thrown everything up into the air. And Beau had no idea where it was going to land. The military owned his ass. He couldn’t walk away and remain with Callie, even though he understood her need to have someone she trusted at her side. She was falling apart before his very eyes.

  He had no training for a civilian trauma like this and didn’t know where to go to ask hard questions about what Callie’s changed demeanor meant. She wasn’t the same person as before, but then, how could she be? He’d been shot twice now, and Beau recalled how the first experience had changed his attitude toward his future. He had taken a bullet in his right shoulder. Fortunately, it was a flesh wound, but it stopped him in his tracks.

  Life became more precious. He didn’t want to waste it as he had before. Things had become more serious for him. That first time he’d been shot, the experience had matured him and made him more sober about his future.

  Before being wounded, he’d thought he was bulletproof. But then, he’d found out from talking to other operators who had been wounded while in Delta Force that the same thing had happened to them. Major life changes occurred.

  As he took the elevator up to the ward floor, Beau knew he needed to talk to someone about this. Callie’s trauma was something he needed to understand better; he had to find someone who was an expert on rape or near-rape experiences. Right now, he felt ignorant and knew he could inadvertently do more harm to Callie as a result.

  More than anything, he wanted to be there for Callie because he loved her. Taking a deep breath, he walked down the hall to her private room and lightly knocked, letting Callie know he was there.

  She opened the door. Surprised, he saw her in a pair of her jeans, a soft apricot sweater, socks, and a pair of leather shoes. “Come in,” she said, standing aside.

  “You’re dressed,” he said, bringing the tray to the rolling table.

  “Maggie just dropped by to see me while you were gone. She’d stopped by my B-hut and Dara happened to be there, and she gave Maggie some of my clothes to bring over to me. I actually feel halfway human again.”

  Closing the door, Beau nodded. “Maggie was here?” She was Callie’s boss.

  “Yes.” Callie sat on the bed, her legs hanging over the mattress.

  Beau wheeled the tray table over to her, taking the lid off the plate that held scrambled eggs and buttered toast. “What did she say?”

  Callie grimaced and picked up the fork with her left hand. She was right-handed, so it was an effort to use it. “I told her I was going home, Beau. My parents called me right after you left the room. They want me to come home to the ranch. So do my grandparents.”<
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  He nodded, helping her by adding the strawberry jam to her toast. “How do you feel about that?” He saw Callie’s eyes grow teary for a moment and then the tears were gone.

  “I want to go home.” Her voice quavered and she shook her head. “I told Maggie I need home. I can’t stay here anymore, Beau.”

  Relief raced through him, but he kept his reaction to himself, weighing the fragility in her expression and hearing the pain in her voice. “How did she take it?”

  “She understood.”

  “Will you work for the Hope Charity stateside then?” Because right now, Beau felt strongly that Callie needed the safety, the constancy, of her family and the ranch she grew up on to help her work through this experience.

  “No, I quit.” She shrugged her left shoulder. “I’ve never done something like that before, Beau. Right now, I just need home. Family. Time to figure out what I’m doing. I thought I knew …”

  “I agree,” he said quietly. “Was Maggie upset with your decision?” Beau hoped not.

  “No, she was fine. She said she understood completely.”

  “Did she leave the door open for you to go back to work for the charity again if you want?”

  “She did,” Callie said.

  Beau smiled a little and took her fork, putting a load of scrambled eggs on it. “Open that pretty mouth of yours. You need protein.”

  It was such an intimate pleasure to feed Callie. She had been pushing that fork around in the steaming scrambled eggs but not eating them, and Beau knew she needed to eat or else. There was that warm connection shimmering between them once more. He could feel it. And he could see the relief in Callie’s eyes as he spoon-fed her the breakfast. When she’d finished the eggs, he pulled off chunks of toast, handing them to her.

  Yes, this one event was life-changing, and it scared him, because he wondered if, somewhere down the road, Callie would walk away from him, too.

  “Could we go to the Eagle’s Nest, Beau, after breakfast? Dr. Bartel has released me and I want to spend whatever time is left here with you.”

  “Sure,” he murmured. “We can do that. I’m not due back at HQ until 0900 tomorrow morning.”

  She wiped her hand on the paper napkin he offered her after eating both pieces of toast. “Thanks,” she whispered.

  “When do you think you’ll be going home to Montana?”

  “I’m not sure yet. I got a call from Dara, who’s looking into it for both of us. She has to get back to work at her residency in Alexandria, Virginia.”

  “But you’d fly home to Montana. Right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Gonna be cold and snowing there, gal,” he teased, removing the tray. He’d poured her a mug of coffee, and she gratefully lifted it with her left hand.

  “I know, but that’s okay. I’ll be home.” Because right now, home was safe.

  “And that’s the right place for you right now,” Beau agreed. He heard the tenor of her voice and understood that the Montana ranch and love and people who would support Callie while she worked through her trauma.

  Beau wished more than anything that he could be there. He ached to be with her, but he saw no possible way for it to happen.

  By 1100, Callie had been released from the hospital and Beau had driven her over to the warehouse where Eagle’s Nest One and Two were located. Once he had walked her to the second-story apartment, she asked him if Dara and Matt were in the other unit. They were. She asked if Beau would go get Dara because she needed to talk to her.

  Dara came to see her about fifteen minutes later, alone. “Beau and Matt are having coffee down at the cafeteria,” she told Callie, shutting the door. “You look better this morning,” she said, coming over and sitting with her on the leather couch.

  “Thanks,” Callie admitted, “but inside I feel shattered, Dara. I can’t explain it. I wanted to talk to you because you know me so well.”

  Dara came and sat next to her on the couch, tucking one leg beneath her, facing Callie. Placing her hand on her sister’s shoulder, Dara said softly, “Hey, you’ve been through hell. And I’m sure you’re feeling like you’re going crazy inside.”

  Callie moved her hand across her stomach. It would sometimes roll with nausea before settling down once more. “There are times when I feel like vomiting, Dara. It hits me out of nowhere. I’m not thinking about it or anything else, it just hits me like a bolt out of the blue.”

  “It’s called a vagus nerve response, and it’s your emotional reaction to the trauma working its way out of you,” Dara said. “Everyone handles trauma differently. Some people get nausea. Others vomit. Some faint. All of it’s a normal reaction to terror and feeling like you’re going to die, Callie.”

  With a grimace, Callie grumped, “Great. Just what I wanted to hear. How long does it last, Dara?”

  “Usually a week or two at the most. It just goes away on its own.”

  “How are you doing this morning, Dara?” Callie asked, noticing that her sister looked at peace. There was an aura of stability and happiness around her, and the shadows beneath her sister’s eyes were gone. Her mouth was soft and relaxed.

  “Much better. Getting a good night’s sleep in Matt’s arms really helped.”

  “Good. Because I’m feeling horribly guilty about telling you that it was safe for us to go out to that village, Dara.” Callie gripped her sister’s hand. “I’m so sorry I pushed you into going with us.” Her voice broke, her hand tightening around Dara’s fingers.

  “Oh, Callie,” Dara whispered, gently squeezing her sister’s hand,” I don’t blame you. How on earth could you have known it was going to happen? You’d been going out to that village four times a year for years, and it was always safe.” She looked at Callie and firmly told her, “Do not blame yourself, okay? I don’t blame you at all. It was my call to go or not, and I made it.”

  “Really? You’re not angry with me about all this?” Callie whispered, wiping her eyes. She was so grateful seeing Dara’s face shining with love for her.

  “Silly goose!” Dara said, ruffling her red hair. “I would never blame you for this!”

  “W-what do Mom and Dad think? Are they blaming me?”

  Dara shook her head. “No, not at all. I was able to explain the course of events to them during the phone call. How could they blame you, Callie? If anything, they’re so relieved we’re both alive and safe, nothing else matters.”

  “And Grandpa? Grandma?”

  “They’re overjoyed we’re alive and safe. You’re such a worrywart! You’re going to win the title from me! Everyone wants you home so they can show you how much they love you.”

  “I’m sure they want to see you too,” Callie put in shyly.

  “Of course, but I have to get back to work first. I’m fine, really.”

  “But what about Christmas? It’ll be here soon …”

  “I know. And before all this happened, Matt was getting thirty days’ leave to go home and see his family in Alexandra, Virginia. He asked me over a week ago if I wanted to see him on leave, and I told him, ‘Of course!’ He invited me to be with him at their family Christmas dinner, and I said, ‘Yes, absolutely.’”

  “Oh,” Callie whispered, disappointed. “Then you won’t be home with us?”

  Frowning, Dara said, “I’m going to talk to Matt about spending two weeks of his leave with his family and then maybe flying home for a week to be with all of you. We had already planned a short vacation in Hawaii for the last week. I really want everyone in our family to meet him anyway. It’s a perfect time to do it.”

  “That sounds good,” Callie agreed, some of her sadness lifting. “I’d love to have you at home, even if it’s after Christmas and only for a week.”

  “Me, too, but I get two weeks of vacation starting January first and not before that. It would be the ideal time for Matt and me to fly to Montana and be with all of you for that week.” She patted Callie’s hand. “But let’s see. I have to talk to Matt first. He’s got a huge
Turkish-Greek-American family flying in. The whole family is going to be there at his parents’ home until mid-January. I don’t know what other plans are in the offing, so I’ll check with him about this the first chance I get.”

  “But if Matt couldn’t come with you, would you come home anyway?”

  “Of course I would, Callie. I miss everyone, too.” Dara smiled gently. “What about you and Beau? I know there’s something serious going on between you two.”

  Pain pierced Callie’s heart. “I’m falling in love with him, Dara. Please don’t tell him that, though, because I’ve never said anything to him about it.”

  Dara’s smile grew, and she confided, “That’s so wonderful! Matt said Beau is serious about you. He’s never seen him this serious about a woman before.”

  “Yes, but he’s stuck here at Bagram. I’m going home. It’s Christmas, and I wish so much that he could come home and be with me in Montana.”

  “Have you told him that?”

  Lifting her head, Callie looked around the quiet apartment. “I thought if I could get Beau here to the Nest, I’d ask him, but I don’t know if there’s anything he can do about it. Seems his captain is keeping him here at Bagram for eight weeks while he heals up from that bullet wound.”

  “Then,” Dara urged her, holding her worried gaze, “you need to ask Beau if there are any other ways they might allow him to come to Montana to be with you.”

  “My God, we’ve been through so much in a short amount of time, Dara. I’ve come unglued. I’m not thinking clearly. Not like I used to …”

  Nodding, Dara said, “Yes, I understand and it’s because of the shock you’re in right now. But couldn’t you tell Beau something so he knows how important he is to you? You’ve never been one to be afraid to ask for what you want, Callie.” She smiled a little. “Don’t be shy about this, okay?”

  Giving a jerky nod, Callie whispered, “Okay … I’ll think about it …”