A French Affair

by Susan Lewis

  Lilian was shaking her head. ‘The night I came back . . . You were making dinner for him.’

  Though Jessica didn’t answer, her eyes showed the truth.

  ‘The flowers, the candles . . . And you’re asking me to believe you’ve never made love . . .’

  ‘We haven’t.’

  ‘. . . that you weren’t intending to that night? It explains why you were both so shocked to see me, why you were shaking and Luc couldn’t seem to focus . . . In my naivety I thought you’d be pleased to see me . . .’ As her voice faltered, she let her head fall forward. ‘God, what a fool. What a sad, pathetic fool, but it serves me right.’

  ‘Lily . . .’

  ‘He won’t want this baby now . . .’

  ‘Don’t say that,’ Jessica cried. ‘Of course he’ll want it . . .’

  ‘. . . it’ll be my punishment.’

  Jessica frowned. ‘What do you mean? Punishment for what?’

  ‘The second baby,’ Lilian whispered, her eyes gazing at nothing. ‘I couldn’t go through with it. I just . . .’

  Jessica was staring at her in bewilderment. ‘Are you saying you terminated it?’ she said.

  ‘I had to. The timing . . . It was all wrong . . . There was so much . . .’

  ‘Oh my God, Lily, you let work push you into a decision like that? Does Luc know?’

  ‘Of course not. I couldn’t tell him.’ Her eyes went beseechingly to Jessica’s. ‘Please don’t tell him either. It’s in the past, I have to try to forget about it, but I’ll never forgive myself, and now this . . .’

  Still stunned by the idea of Lilian taking such a step, Jessica struggled for something to say, but all she could manage was, ‘It’s not my place to tell him anything.’

  After a while, seeming not to know what else to do, Lilian walked to the door and stared out towards the horizon. ‘I feel as though I should tell you to leave,’ she said hoarsely, ‘but I can’t.’

  Jessica watched her, her heart so weighted with love and guilt she no longer knew what to say.

  ‘I should hate you,’ Lilian stated tonelessly, ‘but I can’t do that either. You mean so much to me. I don’t want to lose you, even now.’

  ‘I don’t want to lose you either,’ Jessica said, going to put her arms around her. ‘And it’s not going to happen. We’ve always been there for one another, and we always will be, even through this.’

  As Lilian held her too, she said, ‘I wish it could work out that way, but if you and Luc . . . If you want to be together . . .’

  ‘He wants to be with you. He loves you. We both do, which is why nothing happened between us.’

  Lilian put her head back as she inhaled. ‘Even if I believed you . . .’ Her eyes closed as more pain washed over her.

  ‘Lily, you have to.’

  Lilian was shaking her head, and as she turned away she said, almost dully, ‘I’ve destroyed the drawing, and the sculpture, just like I destroyed my baby.’

  Jessica’s head started to spin, until realising that the destruction of Luc’s work was hardly of consequence in the face of everything else, she said, ‘You were hurting and afraid, that’s why you did it. And you’ve been given another chance. You’re pregnant again, so it’s important that you forgive yourself and make a good life for this one.’

  Lilian nodded, but she looked so dejected, so defeated that Jessica wasn’t even sure she was thinking about the baby any more. ‘I didn’t mean any of this to happen,’ she said, huskily, ‘but I should have known it would.’

  ‘Why? What do you mean?’

  Lilian only looked at her, then away again. ‘Does Charlie know about Luc?’ she asked.

  Jessica frowned in confusion. ‘Of course not,’ she answered.

  ‘Are you going to tell him?’

  ‘There’s nothing to tell.’

  Lilian’s smile was sad as she looked at her. ‘We both know there is,’ she said softly. ‘So the question now is, do I try to keep my marriage together for the sake of the baby, or do I let him go to you?’

  ‘Lily, you’re talking nonsense. I love Charlie . . .’

  ‘Of course, but not in the way you used to.’

  Jessica started to protest, but the way Lilian was shaking her head stopped her.

  ‘Maybe you haven’t faced up to it yet,’ Lilian said, ‘but I can read you too well.’

  Determined to prove her wrong, Jessica said, ‘It’s true things haven’t been easy since we lost Natalie, but we’ll get through it. That’s what happens in marriages, you get through the bad times. You and Luc will too.’

  Tears began to roll down Lilian’scheeks. ‘I love you so much,’ she whispered brokenly. ‘You’re the family I never had.’

  ‘I still am,’ Jessica insisted, also in tears. ‘The children and Charlie think of you that way too.’

  Lilian’s eyes closed, then seeming to have no more to say she turned away and walked out onto the patio. ‘Thank you for not telling Luc about the baby,’ she said, staring absently ahead. Then without looking back she continued out to the lane and on up through the vineyard towards the house.

  Luc was standing in the pergola waiting when Lilian returned to the manoir. The moment she saw him she knew from his expression that he’d discovered what she’d done in the studio, and since there was no way of avoiding it, she tried to summon what resources she had left to face him.

  ‘I know how angry you must be,’ she said, struggling to hold back more tears. ‘It’s too late to say I wish I hadn’t done it . . .’

  ‘It doesn’t matter,’ he told her.

  ‘I’m sorry . . .’

  ‘I’m the one who should be saying that. I never wanted to hurt you . . .’

  His eyes were so full of compassion, so dark with feeling, that it seemed to tear her heart in two. ‘Oh Luc . . .’

  ‘Ssh,’ he said, drawing her into his arms as she started to break down. ‘It’s going to be all right.’

  After a while she lifted her head to look up at him. ‘I spoke to Jessica. She says nothing happened. You never made love.’

  ‘We didn’t.’

  She continued to search his eyes. ‘But you wanted to?’

  The strain showed in his face as he gazed down at her.

  ‘Are you in love with her?’ she asked, her voice breaking with her heart.

  He took a breath, then pulling her back into his arms, he said, ‘I love you. That’s all that matters.’

  Realising he was unable to deny it, her eyes closed in pain and horror. She couldn’t let him go, she just couldn’t, so the only course open to her now was to tell him about the baby and then pray with all her heart that Charlie, even against the odds, managed to prevent the secret she shared with him and Veronica from ever coming out, because if it did it really would be the end for them all.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  CHARLIE WAS AT the wheel of his Jaguar, heading out of the airport. Having already called Jessica to confirm Harry was on his way, he was now ready to ring Maurice, who’d left a typically formal message earlier confirming their four o’clock appointment for tomorrow.

  ‘I’ve been trying to contact you all weekend,’ Charlie told him, when Maurice answered at his number in Kent.

  ‘I’m afraid we haven’t been here,’ Maurice informed him unnecessarily. ‘Are you wanting to change our arrangement?’

  ‘I was trying to make it sooner,’ Charlie replied, ‘but I can’t now. The thing is, I need to speak to Veronica. Is she with you?’

  ‘Not at the moment, but I’m bringing her home in the morning. If she’s not too tired you can probably speak to her a little later in the day.’

  Charlie frowned at the beat of unease in his heart. ‘Home from where?’ he asked cautiously.

  ‘The same clinic I moved her to the last time she was unwell.’

  Remembering the slurred voice, and collapse in Bond Street, Charlie said, ‘Has she started drinking again? I know she used to, but that was a long time . . .’

/>   ‘It’s not alcohol-related,’ Maurice assured him. ‘It’ll be for her to tell you any more than that.’

  More alarmed than ever, Charlie said, ‘She’s Jessica’s mother. If she’s ill, we have a right to know.’

  ‘And Veronica has the right to choose who she tells. But please don’t worry, it’s not as serious as it could be, or they wouldn’t allow her to come home.’

  ‘So what do I tell Jessica?’ The words were out almost before he considered them, and as a terrible silence followed, he turned cold to his very core.

  In the end Maurice said, ‘You have the letter, Charlie, it’s all there. Don’t you think it’s time now to let Jessica see it?’

  ‘No,’ Charlie said, almost without thinking.

  ‘Then tell her in your own words.’

  Charlie swerved to avoid the central reservation, then realising how dangerous it was for him to keep driving, he pulled over to the hard shoulder. ‘You understand what it could mean if I tell her?’ he said.

  Maurice’s voice was still unnervingly calm as he said, ‘Yes, I think so, and if you ask me it’s a pity no-one told her at the time. The consequences might not have been half as bad as anyone feared. Whereas, leaving it this long . . . Well, what’s done is done. We have to face the future now, and while it’s my job to take care of Veronica, it’s yours, Charlie . . . Well, I guess it’s yours to start facing up to the truth.’

  Jessica was waiting with Antoine as Harry came bouncing into the arrivals hall with all the exuberance that was so typical of him. The instant he spotted her he abandoned his escort and dashed straight over, leaping into such a bruising hug that he started to gasp for air.

  Laughing, Jessica put him down again, and wondered how she could have stood to be without him for so long. ‘So how was the flight?’ she asked, tilting his adorable face up to hers.

  ‘It was really cool,’ he told her chirpily. ‘You look tanned, Mum. Everyone talked to me. Dad said I wasn’t to talk to anyone, but that’s just rude . . . Hey! Antoine!’ and Jessica was abruptly forgotten as he high-fived Antoine, then grappled with the dog who’d insisted on coming along too. ‘Où est Elodie?’ he wanted to know, breaking straight into French.

  ‘À la maison. Elle aide Maman à préparer ton lit. Tu vas rester avec nous, n’est pas, Jessica?’

  Harry’s eyes rounded with excitement as he looked at Jessica. ‘We’re going to be staying at the château?’ he cried. ‘Awesome. And will Rousseau be there too?’

  ‘Yes, he live with us now,’ Antoine told him, making a good attempt at English. ‘Tonton Luc say he is him, but really he is us. Jessica, can we take Harry to the water park?’

  ‘Of course,’ she replied, starting to usher them towards the exit, ‘not right away, though. Maman’s waiting for us at home now, and later I think Papa is taking us all somewhere for a special treat.’

  ‘Where?’ both boys cried at once.

  ‘It’s a surprise,’ she laughed, and finally getting them all outside, and into the car, she began the forty-minute drive back to the château.

  Since there hadn’t been much time to explain things to Daniella before coming to the airport, she still wasn’t entirely sure whether both she and Harry were expected to be staying there, but she’d decided during the drive here that she needed to remain at the cottage for now. It wasn’t exactly what she wanted, but she was afraid if she moved over to the château that it might end up hurting Lilian even more to think that Luc’s family was befriending her and perhaps taking sides, even though there were none to be taken. Besides, she didn’t want to start involving Claude and Daniella in a way she felt sure they wouldn’t like, and booking into a hotel wasn’t an option either, because Charlie would certainly want to know why.

  ‘Mum?’ Harry said, leaving Antoine to get to grips with some new gadget he’d brought with him.

  ‘Yes?’ she replied, glancing at him in the rear-view mirror as he rested his elbows on the seatbacks to get close, and wishing she could kiss his puzzled little face.

  ‘You know the cottage,’ he began pensively. ‘Well, am I going to be staying there at all?’

  ‘You can stay tonight, if you like,’ she answered. ‘In fact, I wish you would, because I’ve really missed you, and you know Antoine and Elodie would be welcome to come too. And Rousseau.’

  ‘Mm,’ he responded, not really seeming to pick up on that. ‘When I get there,’ he continued, apparently still in his own train of thought, ‘well, is Natalie going to be there? I mean, I know she’s not, not for real or anything, but is she like a ghost now? Will I see her?’

  Feeling her heart twist, while wondering at the workings of his little mind, she said, ‘No, darling, you won’t see her.’

  He gave that some deliberation, then said, ‘I think it would frightenme a bit if I did.’

  Smiling, Jessica said, ‘She wouldn’t do anything to frighten you.’

  At that his eyes rounded with indignation. ‘Oh yes she would. She was always doing stuff to frighten me.’

  In spite of the emotion, Jessica had to laugh. ‘Not like this, though. She’s gone to Jesus now, sweetheart, but there’s a little dove called Solange who comes to visit, and sometimes I like to think . . . Well, not that it’s Natalie exactly, but that maybe Natalie’s telling her to come.’

  ‘That would be so like her,’ Harry declared earnestly. ‘She was always really bossy, telling everyone what to do.’ Then, with a little sadness in his voice, ‘I wish she was still here telling me what to do. I didn’t mind it very much really.’

  ‘I know,’ Jessica whispered, wishing they were alone and she wasn’t driving, ‘but you’re going to have a lovely time with Antoine and Elodie – and Rousseau, of course. I just hope I’m going to see something of you.’

  ‘Oh you will,’ he assured her, suddenly brightening. ‘I’ll be driving you nuts soon enough, the way I always do because I don’t know how to be quiet, or sit still, or tidy up after myself, but you love me more than anyone else in the world, except Dad and Nikki who you love the same – and Nat, who we all love a little bit more now she’s not here any more.’ With that he sat back to check on Antoine, leaving Jessica to laugh at the very close recital of her own words, with the exception of those about Natalie, which he’d so lovably tacked on himself.

  Lilian was at her desk in the office, staring blankly at the emails in front of her. Since telling Luc about the baby it was as though she’d slipped into some kind of parallel existence, where she’d begun watching the world as though no longer quite a part of it. She was aware of feeling and thinking and speaking, but no matter how lovingly and attentively Luc responded, she was unable to make herself believe it was real. Perhaps if her conscience weren’t so burdened she might not be doubting him, or herself, this way, but there was no escaping it, and even though he had no idea of the truth, she couldn’t help feeling she was finally being punished for the terrible decisions she had made. She had her wish, she was pregnant again, but now she had to live with Luc no longer wanting her, or their child.

  Knowing it was a dangerous mix of guilt and hormones making her think this way rather than anything Luc had said, or done, she tried to push it from her mind, but it wasn’t easy. Even if she managed it, she was left with so many images of him with Jessica that her suffering only became worse.

  She knew, because Daniella had told her, that Harry had arrived safely the day before and that he and Jessica had spent most of yesterday at the château, going for a picnic with a couple of other families in the evening, before Jessica had returned to the cottage alone. As far as Lilian knew Jessica was still alone, and the very idea that she couldn’t go to her, that they couldn’t give one another the support they both needed right now, felt almost as bewildering as being the cause of one another’s pain. Nothing like this had ever happened between them before. Though she knew how easily love could turn to hate when there was so much jealousy involved, and that maybe she should be seeking all kinds of revenge, when she tho
ught of Jessica’s own suffering, and what she still might go through, she could summon no hate towards her, nor anger. She could only feel sorrier than she ever had in her life that any of it had happened.

  Hearing footsteps outside, she turned away from her computer and looked up as Luc came in.

  ‘I thought I’d find you here,’ he said, stopping on the way to his own computer to kiss her. ‘Daniella’s just brought the children over, and a message from Claude to remind you about the chairs for the concert on Saturday. You were going to ask Madame Bouvier if she had any suggestions.’

  ‘Of course, I’ll bring it up at the meeting tonight,’ she said, and wondered how they were able to behave so normally when she knew he must be thinking about Jessica possibly even more than she was. ‘Is Daniella staying for lunch?’ she asked.

  ‘I don’t think so. She seemed about to get back in the car when I came over here.’

  At the sound of running feet outside he turned round, and an instant later his niece, nephew and Harry came bursting in through the door with the dog in tow.

  ‘Found you!’ Harry cried delightedly, and bounded straight up to Lilian, arms outstretched.

  Lilian’s eyes shone with love as she hugged him to her. ‘How are you, my darling?’ she said. ‘I heard you were here.’

  ‘I came yesterday, and I’ve been staying at the château, but we’re staying with Mum tonight, at the cottage. I asked her if Natalie was there, you know, like a ghost or something, but she said no, and anyway I wouldn’t have minded really, except it might have been a bit scary. Dad’s coming tomorrow.’

  Smiling in spite of the ache in her heart, Lilian said, ‘So I believe. What do you have planned, all of you?’

  Harry shrugged, then looked up at Luc. ‘I’m going to ask Mum and Dad if I can have a dog like Rousseau, so can you tell me where you got him, please, and what kind of make he is.’

  ‘I told you, he’s a retriever,’ Antoine piped up.

  ‘A flat-coat retriever,’ Luc added.

  Satisfied, Harry shouted, ‘Come on! Let’s go and ask Mum now. We might be able to get her on our side before Dad arrives.’