A French Affair

by Susan Lewis

  So we came home again, and that was when everything became very fast. There was no sign of Charlie or Lilian, so Nat and I went upstairs to take off our wet clothes, and then I heard Nat shouting in her room, which really scared me, so I grabbed a big candlestick that was next to my bed, because I thought we had an intruder. I was just dashing out of my room when Natalie came flying along the landing with the phone in her hand, and, may God forgive me for not being quick enough to stop her. I swear I tried, Jessica, but there was a pile of newspapers at the top of the stairs, which she didn’t see, and the next thing I knew she’d tripped on them and then she was gone. I couldn’t see her any more.

  Oh Jessica, Jessica. I should have saved your baby angel. I should have been faster. I shouldn’t have left the papers where they were, I should have done a thousand things differently, but most of all I should have gone down those stairs instead of our little braveheart, anything rather than you have to lose her.

  I think I’m taking a long time to tell this now, but it’s still really fast in my mind, because I ran down after her, and then Charlie was there trying to make her wake up, and I was shouting at Lilian, and Lilian was crying . . . I think I might have screamed, but it could have been Charlie, or maybe I’m just imagining that, because every time I think of our dear little angel lying there with her eyes open, I want to scream.

  I kept dialling 999, even though I knew it was wrong, and then Lilian took the phone and she made the call while Charlie carried Nat into the sitting room. Then the phone rang and Charlie said it would be you, and he started to cry. It was terrible to see. I tried to comfort him, but he just kept saying you didn’t deserve this, and he was right, of course, but nor did he. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, but he was blaming himself, and of course he shouldn’t have been up there with Lilian . . .

  Anyway, I tried to stop him from going, but he seemed to think it was the only thing he could do. I could tell he wasn’t in his right mind, but nor was I, and when he kept saying you didn’t deserve this, and we had to think about you . . .

  Jessica looked up from the page. Since she’d read the letter once before she didn’t want to go over again how Charlie and Lilian had abandoned Natalie and her mother, so flipping over the next two pages she started to read again.

  I knew, when you came to Fernand’s house the day after it happened that you would blame me, tell me I hadn’t taken good enough care of your girl, and because you were right I hardly had a way to defend myself. I could see how broken up Charlie was – I’ve never seen a man sorrier or more afraid than when he brought you from the airport – and Nikki and Harry were there, so I couldn’t tell the truth then, and so time went on, and I didn’t know what to do for the best. I wanted to go back to the cottage to have a little chat with Natalie, and to see if I could persuade Lilian to tell you the truth, but I couldn’t face it in the end. Then I had a little turn in Bond Street, which is what put me where I am now (I’m in a clinic that Maurice moved me to, but I can’t call to let you know, because I’m not supposed to have any stress, and I don’t want to lie to you any more, so that’s why I’m writing this letter).

  All I wanted when I took Nat to France was to do something to make up for being such a bad mother, by trying to be a good grandmother, and now you must be wishing me straight to hell. It’s what I deserve, but please try not to think too harshly of me, darling, because I swear if I could have given my life in place of hers, I would have. It really was a terrible accident, that never should have happened – and now Charlie, Lilian and I have learned how one deception leads to another, and to another. I can’t let that go on. I’m sorry for them and what effect this letter might have on their lives if you ever see it, but now you are my only concern. I can’t have you driving yourself crazy any longer trying to find answers no-one will give you.

  If you really are reading this then I’m going to hope that you won’t be too hard on Charlie once you learn the truth, because you know in your heart that he’s not a bad man, he was just a very silly one, and he’s ended up paying the kind of price no man ever should for a moment of weakness. And I’m sure that’s all it was, sweetheart, a little moment of weakness, because I know he’s always loved you very much. And so has Lilian.

  Most of all though Nikki and Harry are going to need their mummy and daddy now, because their young lives have been shattered terribly by Natalie going, and I know you won’t want to make it even worse, any more than Charlie does. Of course getting past this will be an enormous test to your marriage – how can it not be – but you’ve always been very close, you two, and I’m sure that’s what will see you through.

  Anyway, I hope you understand that I’m writing because I love you, and because our baby girl deserves to rest in peace, and I don’t believe she can until you know the truth. As I said before, I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I have to admit I’d like it very much if you could consider giving it a try.

  God Bless my darling,

  with all my love,

  Mummy

  Jessica smiled sadly at the ‘Mummy’, for it had been a long time since she’d called her that. Then putting the letter aside for now, she reached for her mobile, which kept bleeping to say there was a message, and pressing in the number to pick it up she felt her heart filling up all over again as she listened to Luc’s voice coming down the line.

  By the time Charlie came back, having left Harry at the château, Jessica was upstairs halfway through packing, so he began to carry her computer and books out to the car. He didn’t ask what she was thinking now she’d read the letter, nor did she attempt to tell him. For the moment she wanted only to be quiet as she tried to take in all that had happened, and how it was going to affect where they went from here. Right now it was impossible to know anything for certain, but tempted as she was to see this as a way for her and Luc to be together, she knew it wasn’t – not only because of the baby, but because she had Nikki and Harry to consider. She needed to be there for them while their father tried to come to terms with what he’d done, and she could sense already that Charlie’s journey was going to be a long and hard one, and would be far too much for them to cope with at the same time as their parents breaking up.

  Hearing voices below she realised Lilian must have arrived, so she stopped what she was doing and took a moment to collect herself, for as strangely calm and even detached as she seemed to be feeling, she was aware of how utterly devastated she was inside. These were the two people she’d loved and trusted most in the world, the very mainstay of her life to whom she’d always turned in a crisis. To find herself having to face them like this, knowing how unforgivably they had behaved towards both her and Natalie, felt so disorienting that she was suddenly afraid to take even one step into a future that was going to be so changed in the light of their betrayal. Yet she knew what had to be done, and though a part of her could hate them for bringing her to this, and even want to harm them in some way, another part was reminding her that no amount of anger or vengeance was ever going to undo what they’d done, any more than it was going to help her now.

  They both looked up as they heard her footsteps and she wondered how they must be feeling, watching Natalie’s mother coming down the same stairs Natalie had fallen from. They must have lived in such dread of this day, surely always knowing it would come, while still trying to deny it. Given the time over again, she felt certain they’d never act the same way. Perhaps because of this certainty, something in her sympathised with them, for time’s inexorability ensured their mistake could never be unmade, only lived with for the rest of their lives.

  By the time she reached the bottom she was managing to make herself think of her own guilt in the way she’d fallen for Luc. Desire and passion had made her reckless and selfish, and her feelings could have led her still further, but she knew with an absolute certainty that she and Luc would never have made love in her daughter’s bed, nor would either of them have driven away and left Natalie and her mother the way Lilian and Charlie
had.

  It was with that thought in her mind that her eyes went to Lilian’s once dear, now stricken face, as she said, ‘I’m not going to try and make this any worse for you. I know you loved Natalie enough to have suffered terribly over this, and I think you love me too . . .’

  ‘Of course I do,’ Lilian broke in. ‘Oh God, Jessica, if you only knew . . .’

  ‘I don’t want to know.’ Jessica’s voice was cold, but her eyes were full of pain. ‘Your conscience is your own, Lilian. I can’t take on the burden of it.’ She swallowed hard as a wave of emotion came over her. ‘I never imagined myself ever saying something like that to you,’ she whispered. ‘It’s as though we’ve all become strangers, and it’s not how I want it to be . . .’

  ‘It doesn’t have to,’ Lilian cried. ‘Somehow we can . . .’

  ‘No,’ Jessica interrupted. ‘No, Lily. There’s no going back from this. You sleeping with Charlie, having an affair with him even, would have devastated me – and our friendship – if I’d known about it at the time. Now, nothing can be worse than the way you left Natalie, and the lies you’ve told since.’ She stopped and put a hand to her face as her heart faltered again, but her voice was steady when a moment later she said, ‘Of course I understand now why I’ve seen so little of you since it happened, why you’ve thrown yourself into work the way you have, even to the point of not being here these past two weeks. It wasn’t only too hard to face me for long, you’ve hardly even been able to face yourself.’

  As Lilian started to sob, Charlie turned to comfort her, but it was plain from the haunted look in his eyes that he was so tormented by his own inner demons he barely knew what he was doing.

  ‘I deserve everything you’re saying,’ Lilian wept, ‘and you’re right, I do hate myself. I wish to God I could wipe out that terrible day . . .’

  ‘It didn’t stop there though, did it?’ Jessica interrupted.

  Lilian looked at her, seeming unsure what she meant.

  ‘Natalie wasn’t the only child to pay for what you did, was she?’

  Lilian’s eyes were suddenly frightened. ‘I don’t know . . . Why are you saying . . .?’

  ‘Does Charlie know about the baby?’ Jessica asked.

  Lilian’s face turned white.

  ‘You were afraid it was his, weren’t you?’ Jessica said. ‘You couldn’t bear the idea that a baby might have been conceived out of that day, so rather than take the chance you got rid of it.’

  Lilian’s mouth opened, but no words came out.

  ‘You see,’ Jessica said, ‘maybe I read you a little better than you think.’ She looked at Charlie and wondered how he was reacting to the fact that he might have fathered a child on the same day as he’d lost one, but from his expression she couldn’t be sure he’d taken it in.

  ‘I can’t say any more,’ she murmured, realising how close she was to breaking down. ‘Going over everything that happened . . . Trying to make some sense of it . . . It’s never going to make sense to me, so we have to try to think of the future now . . .’

  ‘Are you going to tell Luc?’ Lilian blurted.

  Jessica looked into her eyes, and almost felt herself being drawn into the depths of her fear. She’d always known how desperate Lilian was to be loved, so desperate that maybe she didn’t really understand the meaning of it, for Jessica could think of no other reason why she would have put her marriage at risk the way she had. In the end, though, she’d clearly been prepared to do anything to hold onto it: that had to be the real reason she’d been willing to go along with Charlie’s madness that day, out of fear of losing Luc, not because she’d wanted to spare her best friend. So it would be the easiest thing in the world to ruin everything for her now, to destroy what was left of her dream, but Jessica knew she wouldn’t do it. Not because she pitied Lilian, even though she did, but because she wanted the memories she shared with Luc to stay intact, untouched by this terrible betrayal, and unsullied by a useless act of revenge. For that was what it would mean if she told him, and neither he, nor his unborn child, deserved that. So finally she said, very quietly, ‘No, I’m not going to tell him.’

  ‘Oh God,’ Lilian spluttered, sobbing into her hands with relief. ‘Thank you. Thank you. I know . . . I realise . . .’

  ‘I’m doing it for him, not for you,’ Jessica told her.

  ‘I understand that, but if there was some way I could make this up to you . . .’

  ‘There isn’t.’ She took a breath, slightly shaken by her own sharpness. ‘We have to go our separate ways now,’ she said. ‘I’m going to miss you, almost as much as I miss Natalie . . .’

  Lilian’s eyes flooded with panic. ‘Don’t say that . . .’

  Jessica turned away. ‘You have to leave now,’ she said, struggling to hold back the tears.

  ‘Jessica, please . . .’

  Jessica shook her head. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘This is the way it has to be, because no matter what happens, I’ll never be able to forgive you for this, Lily. I wish I could, but I can’t.’

  As she walked back up the stairs she could hear Lilian sobbing and Charlie murmuring to try and comfort her, but she wasn’t thinking about them any more. She was closing them out now, pretending they didn’t matter, because there were too many other painful things she must try to resolve in her heart before leaving.

  Once she got to the bedroom she left her open bags to go and gaze out at the vineyard, as luscious and still as a Renoir. After a while the brightness of the sun began to dazzle her eyes, blinding her to what was there, but she was no longer looking, only remembering . . . She was seeing him the first time he’d shown her how to taste the grapes, and tilting her face to the light. She’d felt such a thrill of anticipation when he’d asked if he could sculpt her, but it seemed so mild in comparison to the sensual pleasures she’d experienced when he’d drawn her naked and happy in a hat amongst the vines. She didn’t feel guilty about that now, she had no reason to, she only wished they’d given in to their desire while they’d had the chance.

  Her eyes moved on to the cave where he’d tried to teach her about wine and they’d laughed and felt the magnetism of one another as potently as the pinot noir. Then she looked at the pergola, where she’d read to him and his father from Suite Française, and felt her heart trip on how he’d chosen the chapters about Lucile and the German. He’d known so much more than she had already, and had more or less told her that the next day at Issy-l’Evêque, when they’d quoted from the book. Then there was the studio where she’d watched him work and felt the heady sensation of being touched, yet not. After that her gaze wandered on to the woods that led to the lake where he’d come to stand behind her, and she’d let him take off her dress. She recalled how they’d recited de Lamartine’s poem together, and wondered what would have happened if instead of choosing the first verse they’d spoken the chorus:

  Oh favourable hours, hold your flight

  O time, pause on your way!

  Let us enjoy the transient delight

  Of this, our fairest day!

  She thought of their time in Paris, the agony of resisting him and joy of just being with him. There was the music they’d listened to, the art they admired, the literature they loved, and she realised he was so much a part of her own book that it was going to be almost impossible to continue without him.

  Then she thought of him up at the house now, and wanted to go to him so much that she almost couldn’t bear it. She needed to feel his arms around her, the tenderness of his mouth, the warmth of his breath, and knowing she never would now made the longing so terrible that her head fell back as she sobbed out loud. She didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye, but it would be too hard to speak to him now. She needed his strength, his courage, his unwavering calm, but it wasn’t hers to take, so she must find her own and let him go.

  ‘Forgive me for not calling,’ she whispered, looking up at the manoir. ‘Please try to understand.’

  Hearing Charlie coming up th
e stairs she turned to carry on with her packing, knowing she must try to detach herself from everything she was feeling – the way he and Lilian had, over Natalie.

  For a while he only stood in the doorway watching her, then, as he started to help, she saw how his hands were shaking, and could almost feel his despair. It was as though he’d been cast adrift in an ocean with no hope in sight, nothing to hold onto and no-one to save him. And knowing how that felt, because it was what had happened to her when she’d first lost Natalie, she said, very softly, ‘It’ll be all right. I won’t let you drown.’

  For a moment he appeared confused, then he seemed to understand and tears began rolling down his cheeks. ‘I don’t deserve you . . .’

  ‘Come on,’ she said, squeezing his hand, ‘let’s take this out to the car.’

  Twenty minutes later, with everything loaded, they were driving away from the cottage, up the hill towards the top road. Overhead the sun was blazing in a deep cerulean sky, while the grapes were glistening in their clusters and almost bursting from the vines.

  Then finally the valley was behind them, lost from view, sliding quietly, inexorably into the past, much like a dream, yet not, because if it was only a dream she wouldn’t be leaving a best friend for ever, nor would her heart be breaking over a man it was wrong to love. Most of all, though, she wouldn’t be mourning a daughter she should never have lost.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  ‘YOOHOO! CUL-TURE VUL-TURE! What’s her name?’

  ‘I dunno. Jocelyn, or Jasmine, or something.’

  ‘Oi, Jasmine. Want to come and critique this?’

  ‘In’t she married to that bloke what does the news?’

  ‘Yeah, think so. Haven’t seen him for a bit though.’

  ‘Yeah, like you watch the news.’