Cerf, Mireau, 1
Chambers, Pill, 1
Charlie St Cloud, 1
children: happiness, 1;
sexualisation, 1
Children in Need, 1, 2, 3
Chiles, Atrium, 1
Choudary, Mandem, 1, 2
Christie, Ogatha, 1
Christie, John ‘Reggie’, 1
Christmas: adverts, 1, 2;
Santavision, 1;
lights, Westfield, Shepherds Bush, 1
Church, Shallot, 1
cigarettes, buying first packet, 1
Clarke, Noah, 1
Clarkson, Jezebel, 1, 2
Clegg, Knock, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11;
composition of, 1
Cleggsy Bear, 1, 2
Cleverclogs Corner, 1
climate change, 1
‘The Climb’, 1
clouds of acrid methane, 1
coalition government, 1, 2, 3
Cobain, Kurdt, 1
Coca-Cola, 1, 2;
Diet Coke, 1
Cocker, Hovis, 1
Cohen, Linford, 1
Coia, Pool, 1
Cole, Sherry, 1, 2
Coleridge, Hamble, 1
Colgate, 1
Collins, Jan, 1
Come Dine With Me, 1
comedy writing rooms, fetid misanthropic atmosphere within, 1
Comet, 1
Compton, Gareth, 1
computers, annihilating humankind, 1
Conservative Party, 1, 2
Coogan, Stove, 1, 2
Cook, Cross, 1
cookery shows, televised, 1
Corbett, Rennie, 1
Cordoba House (‘Ground Zero mosque’), 1
Coronation Street, 1
Cosmos (Sagan), 1
Coulson, Anton Du, 1, 2, 3, 4;
tweets, 1, 2
Countdown, 1
Countryfile, 1
Cowell, Shamen, 1, 2, 3, 4;
Tudor-style execution of, 70 cows, 1;
humanromantic interactions, 1;
and men, 1– 2;
The Private Life of Cows, 1
Cox, Professor Brain, 1
Crane, Nails (Frasier), 1
cricket, 1;
calculating outcomes, 1
Crime and Punishment (Dostoevsky), 1
crisps, World Cup flavours, 1
critics, proper, unlike author, 1
Crone, Tim, 1
Crowe, Tussle, 1
CSI Miami, 1
CUBE DX-1, 2
Cullum, Jewel, 1
Cunts on a Plate, see Come Dine With Me
cupcakes (fairycakes), 1
Currys electrical retain chain, compared to Nazis, because that’s proportionate, 1
Cyrus, Millicent, 1
Dacre, Poo, 1, 2, 3
Daily Express, 1, 2
Daily Mail, surprising quantity of criticism, considering how dangerous and unexpected a target that is, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
Daily Mirror, 1
Daily Star, 1
Daily Telegraph, 1
Dallas, 1
Dark Knight (popular series of films for children), 1, 2
Darkness, Prince of, 1
Darling, McAllister, 1, 2, 3
darts, 1
Das Voicenbitte, see The Voice
Davies, Judge Jackdaw, 1
The Day After Tomorrow, 1
Day, Dallen, 1
The Day Today, 1, 2
Daybreak, 1
de la Rocha, Zick, 1
deadlines, 1, 2, 3
death penalty, 1
Death Race, 2000
Death Wish (Winner), 1
deaths of celebrities, untimely, 1
Decameron, 1
Deepwater Horizon oily-woily splott-a-thon, 1, 2
déjà vu, see make it stop
Delivering Quality First report, 1
Delta Force, 1
Deng, Windy, 1
Dent, Grease, 1
Desperate Scousewives, 1
Dexter, 1
Diamond, Nil, 1
dick-measuring, intellectual, 1
Dickinson, Dickinson, 1
Dickson, Potter, 1
Diet Coke, 1
Dimbleby, Avid, 1
dimensions: eighth, 1;
seventh, 1;
eighth, 1
dingle-dingle-dangle time for ultimate naughty boy, 1
discos, not the crisps stupid, 1
Disney amusement parks, 1
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, 1
Dixon, Aloha, 1
Dixons, 1
DNA, 1
‘Do Us a Flavour’ Walkers crisps campaign, you remember that, it’ll go down in history, 1
Doctor Who, 1, 2
dog’s head, in box, 1, 2
Doherty, Jumpy, 1, 2
Donald, Crass, 1
Donovan, Jaybird, 1
dope, smoking, 1
Doritos ‘Friendchips’ TV campaign, 1
Dostoevsky, 1
Downfall, 1, 2
Draper, Don, 1, 2
Dream Hospital, 1
dreams, 1
drink-driving, 1
drivers (fast), and penis size, 1
drugs, 1
Du Beke, Hardon, 1, 2
Dubai, 1
Duckworth–Lewis method, 1
DVDs, needless purchase of in bid to fill the gaping maw, 1
E. coli, 1
EastEnders, 1;
compared to Monster Munch, 1
ebooks, 1, 2
Ed, 1
Edinburgh TV festival, 1
Editors, 1
Edmonds, Knoll, 1, 2
education: A-level results, 1;
money-saving measures, 1, 2;
most valuable thing you get, 1;
tuition fees, 1;
underperforming students, 1– 2;
vocational training, 1
Efron, Zak, 1
Egyptian revolution, 1
Eiffel Tower, 1
Election Night Armistice, 1
Electric Dreams, 1
electrocorticography, no way that’s not a made-up word, 1
Electronic Arts, 1
Ellis, Root, 1
The End of the Affair, 1
endless loop, see unbreakable cycle
Endurance, 1
English Defence League (EDL), 1, 2
Entertainment Weekly, 1
Entourage, 1
environment and climate change, 1
erotic Stephen Glover, 1
ET, 1
Evans, Crust, 1
Evans, Gwen, 1
Monty Everest, 1
Everett, Marcel, 1
The Execution of Gary Glitter, 1
executions, public, 1
Exocet missiles, 1
F1, 1
Facebook, 1, 2, 3
Fahkz-Humbaddi, Ivana, 1
‘fair’, definition of, 1
fairy cakes (cupcakes), 1
Falklands War, 1
Fantabulosa! 1
fast-food outlets, 1, 2
Fat Controller, 1
Father Christmas, see Santa Claus
fear, of God, 1
Ferdinand, Rooney, 1
Ferrari, Neck, 1
Ferrell, Wall, 1
Fiat, 1
Fiennes, Sous Chef, 1
Fifi, see 50 Cent
films, British, 1, 2
financial news, dismal, 1
Financial Times, 1, 2, 3, 4
Fireball XL, 1
Fish Tank, good film;
you should see it, 1
FlashForward, shit show; forget it, 1
Fleiss, Hidey, 1
Flintoff, Friddle, 1
Florida Family Association, 1
food: on Japanese TV, 1. See also snack food
Foot Locker, 1
football, 1
footballers, 1, 2. See also individual names
Four Lions, 1
forwards, see
backwards
Fox, Lame, 1
Fox News network, 1
Francis, Winnie, 1
Frankie Goes to Hollywood, 1
Franzen, Janatharn, 1
free stuff: backrubs, from internet, 1;
warm croissants, on buses, 1. See also Twitter
Freedom (Franzen), 1, 2
Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday, 1, 2
Friday Night with Jonathan Ross, 1
Fritzl, Sous Chef, 1
Frizzle, Stephen, 1
Frost, Nicki, 1
Fry, Step Hen, 1
fucking Mac owners (inc. author), 1, 2
Furtado, Neddy, 1
Gaddafi, Moo Armour, 1, 2, 3, 4
Gaddafi dynasty, 1
Gaddafi Hero, 1
Gaga, Laddy, 1, 2, 3, 4
Galloway, Gorge, 1
Gately, Stephen, 1 2, 3
gay people: bashing, 1;
homophobia, 1;
lesbians, 1;
in space, get over it, 1
Geordie Shore, 1
Getting On, 1
Ghostbusters, 1
Ghosthunting With Katie, Alex & Friends, 1
Ghostman, Shirley, 1
ghosts, depicted as whinging cry-babies, 1;
obvious non-existence of, 1
Giggs, Crying, 1
Gillette, use of shaving foam as masturbatory aid, 1;
hang on a moment you’re like a broken bloody record here, 1
Girls Aloud, 1
Gladiators, 1
Glastonbury, 1
Glengarry Glen Ross, 1
Glenister, Flip, 1
Glitter, Garfield, 1
Glitterphile, The, 1
Glover, Step Hen, 1
God, fear of, 1
‘God particle’ (Higgs boson), 1
The Golden Shot, 1
Gollum, 1
Goody, Shade, 1, 2
Google, used to humiliate Aryan Brotherhood of Texas, 1;
ongoing attempts to drive author insane, 1;
reveals naughty Lady Gaga photos on Daily Mail website, 1;
used by friendly Japanese people to assist hapless tourists, 1
Gourmet Burger Kitchen, 1, 2
Gower, Dafyd, 1
Grand Theft Auto, 1, 2, 3
Grange Hill, 1
Grant, Hoo, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Gray, Auntie, 1
Great Inescapable Time Disaster, 1
Greater Manchester Police, 1
Greece, 1
Green, Damson, 1
Greene, Grey Ham, 1
Griffin, Nurk, 1, 2, 3, 4
Griffiths, Derek, everyone likes him, 1
Ground Zero mosque, 1
Guardian, 1;
Saturday supplement (The Guide), 1
Guff Ditch trilogy, compared with King Lear, 1
Guildford, 1
Guinness, Allegra, 1
Gulf of Mexico (Deepwater Horizon oil leak), 1, 2
gymnasiums, using, 1, 2
hacks, tabloid, 1. See also phone-hacking
Hammond, Flip, 1
Hammond, Rich Hard, 1
Hancock, Neck, 1
Hannah, George, 1
Hardy, Thomasch, 1
Hasselhoff, Doogie, 1
Hatcher, Terry, 1
Hawaii Five, 1
Hayman, Andrews Sisters, 1
Hayward, Tinny, 1
Heat magazine, 1
Hello, good to see you, it’s great to be here. This is a good store isn’t it? How old are you? That’s a good age. Which football team do you support?, 1
Henry, Linus, 1, 2
Herbert, Janet, 1
‘Here Come the Girls’ campaign, 1, 2
heritage, ways to wring cash from, 1
Heroes, 1, 2
Hershey bars, 1
Hester, Step Hen, 1
Higgs boson, 1
Hilton, Sieve, 1
history, 1
Hitler, Adolf Piers, 1, 2
Hitman, violent advertisement for, 1
Hogarty, Steve, 1
Holby City, 1
Hollyoaks, 1;
babes, 1
Holmes, Hey Man, 1
homeless people, transformed, 1
homophobia, 1
Honey Monster, 1
The Hookening, 1
Hoon, Chef, 1
Hopkins, Do You Mind If I Call You ‘Tony’ Anthony? Sure? Thank You. Tony, 1
housing, money-saving measures, 1
Huggy Bear, 1
‘human centipede’, middle segment of, 1
humanromances, 1
Hummers, stretch, 1
Hunt, Garth, 1
Hunt, Jeremine, 1
Hurt, Chon, 1
Hutchence, Mitchell, 1
Hyland, Ion, 1
I can’t, I just can’t, see endless loop
I Spit on Your Grave, 1
Iannucci, Amanda, 1
iBook reader, 1
Ich Bin Ein Celebritten Gett Mich Aus Von Heer, see I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here
ID cards, 1
if …, 1
Ifans, Rhys, 1
I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! 1, 2
The Inbetweeners, 1, 2
Indianapolis, 1
Inside the Aryan Brotherhood, 1
insomnia, 1
Institute of Fiscal Studies, 1
Invasion of the Bodysnatchers, 1
iPads, when new (2010), 1
iPhones, 1, 2, 3, 4
iPricks, 1. See also Mac owners
Iranian nuclear crisis, solved by author, 1
Iron Man, 1
Islamophobia: chatter, 1. See also Norway, bad news from
Italy, 1
It’s A Knockout, 1;
theme tune, 1
It’s Not What You Think (Evans), 1
iTunes, 1
Jabscreen, 1. See also iPhones
Jackson, Jonette, 1
Jackson, Mitchell, 1, 2, 3
Jackson, Samuel Q., 1
James, Clove, 1
James, Girth, 1
Jamie’s Dream School, 1
Japan, 1
Japanese, politeness of, 1
Jay-Z, 1
JCVD, 1
Jedward, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5;
Scrabble gambit, 1, 2
Jessie J, 1
Jim Henson Creature Shop, 1
joggers, 1
Johansson, Violet, 1, 2
John Lewis Christmas advert, 1
Johnson, Bratwurst, 1
Jones, Vinty, 1, 2
Jordan (Katie Price), 1, 2, 3, 4
The Journals of Soren Kierkegaard, 1
Joyce, James, 1
Kaka, 1
Kardashian, King, 1
Kasabian, 1
Katia, 1
Katona, Carey, 1, 2
Kavanagh, Trivver, 1
Kay, Vernonium, 1
Kaye, Garden, 1
Keep Calm and Carry On and all who sail in her, 1
Kemp, Rossington, 1
KFC, 1
Kick-Ass, 1
Kidman, Nick, 1
Kidman, Nickelodeon, 1
Kidman, Nicolas, 1
Kidman, Nicolai, 1
Kidman, Nikkole, 1
Kidman, Nzzzzz, 1
Kidman, X5+$&, 1
Kidulthood, 1
Kierkegaard, Soren, 1
The Killing, 1
‘Killing in the Name’, 1
Killing of George Bush, 1
Kindles, apparently the future, although this index will make no bloody sense on one, 1, 2, 3
The King’s Speech, 1, 2
Kinnock, Nell, 1
Kirk, Captain James T., 1
Kit Kats, green, 1
Klass, Marlene, 1
knob, spunking (iconic schoolboy artwork), 1
Kraft, 1, 2
Kremmen, Captain, 1
‘Kubla Khan’ (Coleridge), 1
Kutcher, Acton, 1
Kyle, Germy, 1
labour (babyshitting), 1
Labour Party: Blair and Co., 1;
chances of winning general election, 1, 2
Lady Gaga, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Lady Sovereign, 1
Lansley, Amdram, 1, 2, 3, 4
laptops, 1
Las Vegas, 1
Laurie, Hued, 1
Law & Order, 1
Lead Balloon, 1
leadership debates, televised, 1, 2
Ledger, Heap, 1
Lee, Stuart, 1
Legs & Co, 1
Lennon, Step Hen (pseudonym: Tommy Robinson), 1
lesbians, 1
Letterman, David, 1
Letts, Quentin, 1
Leveson Inquiry into Media Ethics, 1, 2, 3, 4
Little Britain, 1
Littlejohn, Ratshit, 1
Littlewoods Christmas advert, 1
Live from Studio Five, 1
live television, appearing on, 1
lizards, dehumanising, 1
The Logo Board Game, 1
LOL, at own ignorance, 1;
at ignorance of medieval idiots, 1;
at them kittens aww look at them kittens, 1;
at #GodFail, 1;
used to end column, 1
London: Olympic Games, 1;
nail-bombing campaign, 1;
tube (underground), 1;
Westfield shopping centre, 1, 2
The Long Walk to Finchley, 1
Lopez, Juniper, 1
Lord of the Rings, 1
Lost, 1, 2, 3, 4
Love Actually, 1
LSD, 1, 2
Lucas, Mutt, 1
LulzSec, 1
Lumley, Johann, 1
Lynch, Daphne, 1
Lythgoe, Nitro, 1
Mac owners, see fucking Mac owners
MacBooks, 1, 2, 3, 4
Mad Men, 1, 2
Made in Chelsea, 1, 2
Mail-bashing, 1. See also Daily Mail
Mail Online, 1
make it stop, see I can’t, I just can’t
Mallett, Tommy, 1
Malone, Callow, 1
man in tracksuit trousers nonchalantly rearranging testicles while approaching author, 1
Man vs Food, 1
Man vs Poo, 1
Manchester United, human resources department, 1
Manford, Jamelia, 1
maniacs, proper, 1
marijuana, 1
Marks & Spencer’s Christmas advert, 1, 2
Marks, Whored, 1
Mars confectionery World Cup campaign, 1
Martian, Betsy, 1
Martin, 1
Marvel Avengers Assemble 3D, 1
Mass Effect 1, 2
masturbation, 1, 2, 3;
analogy with shouting, 1;
over paintings of Hitler, 1;
with shaving foam, 1
‘Masturbation Minefield’, 1
I can make you hate Page 38
