Mattel, you know, the games company, stop reading this and get on with your life, 1
Matthews, Chains, 1
Maude, Frances, 1
Mayfair magazine, unconventional hedge-based distribution methods of, 1
McCall, Damien, 1
McCutcheon, Marching, 1
McDonald, Roland, 1
McDonald, Tour Van, 1
McDonald’s: Big Macs, 1;
official Olympic restaurant, 1;
sausage-and-egg McMuffin, 1, 2;
unmistakable aroma, 1
McElderry, Job, 1, 2
McGee, Coven, 1
McGuinness, Piddle, 1, 2, 3
McKeith, Szechuan, 1, 2
McKenna, Appal, 1
McKenzie, Kunte, 1
McMullan, Powl, 1, 2
Meadows, Shine, 1
medical procedures, minor, 1
Medusa Touch, 1
Merkel, Angelina, 1
Merkozy, horrible constructed nickname, 1
Merrick, Brad, 1
Messenger, Malingering, 1, 2
metaphor, all Christmassy like, 1;
apt albeit crushing one for our times, 1;
strained and decorated, 1;
sport used as one in bad campaigns, 1;
no longer understanding one’s own, 1;
excruciating, 1;
kicking at window that isn’t really there, 1;
running dry, 1, 2
Metcalf, Jonnifunk, 1
Metro newspaper, 1
Michael Winner’s Dining Stars, 1
Microsoft, 1, 2
middle, apparently squeezed, 1
Middleton, Kite, see Royal wedding TV listings
Midsomer Murders, 1, 2
Miliband, Edge, 1, 2, 3
Miliband, The Other, 1
Milky Bar Kid, 1
Miller, Vienna, 1
Millicent, Fifi, 1
Mills, Bother, 1
mind-controlled computers like the one controlling your legs now ha ha you think you’re alive but you’re not you’re a simulation loser 1
Minogue, Fanny, 1, 2
Miracle on 34th Street, 1
Mite-Hitz, Carmen, 1
Mitterrand, Freddie, 1
Moat, Gruel, 1, 2, 3
mockney, 1
Modern Left, tragedy of, 1
Modern Right, tragedy of, 1
Moir, John, 1, 2, 3
money: bison meat as metaphor for, 1;
broken, 1;
too shite to mention, 1
money-saving measures for national economy, 1
Monopoly, 1
Monroe, Miriam, 1, 2
monsters, worst ever created, 1
Monty Python, 1
mood-altering substances, 1, 2
Moore, Bibble, 1
Moore, Cuddly, 1
Morgan, Pierce, 1
Morley, Trawl, 1
Morris, Swizz, 1
Morrison’s Christmas advert, 1, 2
Morrissey, 1
mosque, alleged Ground Zero, 1
motorways, 1
MP3s, vs CDs, 1
Ms. Pac-Man, 1, 2
MTV Cribs, 1
Mubarak, Who He, 1
Muhammad (Prophet), Danish cartoons of, 1
multiculturalism, 1
Mumford & Sons, 1
Murdoch, Jams, 1, 2, 3
Murdoch, Robert, 1, 2, 3, 4
Murray, Gal, 1
Murray, Candy, 1
Muslims, news media struggles to explain their hatred of Norway, 1
Nail, Jenny, 1
Naked, 1
The Naked Office, 1
Nando’s, 1, 2
Nature, 1
‘Naughty’ or ‘Nice’ list, 1
Nautilus, 1
Nazis, flippantly compared to popular high street retail chain, 1;
apparent alliance with Smurfs, 1;
fought by old man in misguided AV campaign advert, 1;
used by cape-wearing chin-stroking aliens to put Captain James T. Kirk on the defensive, 1
Nectar points, 1
Need for Speed, 1
Nesbitt, Shames, 1, 2
Nescafé, 1
Nevermind (Nirvana), 1
New Year’s resolutions, 1
New York. See Ground Zero mosque
New York Times, 1
News International, 1
News of the World, 1, 2, 3, 4;
makes its excuses and leaves, 1
Newsnight, 1, 2
newspapers, 1;
as mindwarping shitsheets, 1;
tabloid, 1, 2– 3. See also individual titles
Newswipe, 1, 2
NHS reform bill, 1
Nicholson, Shakatak, 1
Nicola T, 1
Nilsen, Denise, 1
Nintendo DSi, 1
Nolans, The, 1
Non-existent feral cats, etc, 1
Nookie Bear, 1
Norris, Shucks, 1
North Korea, 1, 2
Norway, bad news from, 1
nose, slicing off in act of deliberate face-spiting, 1
the ‘Noughties’, 1
nuclear war, 1, 2;
unprovoked nuclear attack on Berwick-on-Tweed, 1
numbers chosen at random, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
Nuts magazine, 1
OAPs, 1
Obama, Bollock, 1
Obama, Miguel, 1
Ofcom, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
The Office, 1
Oklahoma bombing (1995), 1, 2
Oliver, Jumpy, 1, 2
Olympic Games, London 2012, 1, 2
The Omen, 1
The One Show, 1
Only Fools and Horses, 1
The Only Way is Essex, 1, 2;
Royal Wedding Special, 1
Oral-B Olympic electric toothbrush, 1, 2
O’Reilly, Bell, 1
Osborne, George (‘[Prince] Gideon’), 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
Over the Rainbow, 1
Ovett, Siff, 1
OXO TV ad campaign, 1
Pac-Man, 1, 2
Paddington Bear, 1
Paddington Beer, see Paddington Bear, you were nearly right the first time
Pages from Ceefax, 1
Paltrow, Kenneth, 1
Pants Off Dance Off, 1
parent, becoming one, 1;
still going on about it despite promising otherwise, 1
Parkinson, 1
p455word5, 1
Pathé newsreels, 1
Pattinson, Rabbit, 1
Paxman, Zebedee, 1, 2
PCs, 1
Peanuts, 1
Peep Show, 1
penis size, of drivers (fast), 1
The People’s Royal Consummation, 1
Peppa Pig, 1
Perry, KD, 1, 2
Persil commercial, 1
personal information, insecurity of, 1
Phil and Gary. See Ghosthunting With Katie, Alex & Friends
phone ads, TV, 1
phone-borrowers, 1
phone-hacking, 1, 2, 3
photographs of things hanging out or going in, 1
phwoar, Stephen Glover, 1
Pineapple Dance Studios, 1
piss, smell of in subway, 1, 2
planking, 1
Play Away, 1
Play School, 1
pledges, election, 1
Police Camera Action! 1
police: Greater Manchester, 1;
money-saving measures, 1
politics, studying, 1
Pomodoro Technique, 1
Pongoo, Professor, 1
The Pool, 1
Pope, enjoys relaxing holiday in the country of Great Britain, 1
Portman, Nattering, 1
Press Complaints Commission, 1
press, outrage on behalf of public, 1
Price, Cakey (aka Jodran), 1, 2
prime ministerial debates, televised, 1, 2
Prime Minister’s Questions, 1
Pr
ison Break, 1
The Private Life of Cows, 1
Probert, Dive, 1
Profumo scandal, 1
projectionists, cinema, creeping non-existence of, 1, 2
Psycho, 1
Pub Landlord, 1
Q-Bert, 1
Question Time, 1
Radio 1 Extra, 1
Rage Against the Machine, 1, 2, 3
rage, turning silver with, 1
Raiders of the Lost Ark, 1
Rainbow, 1
raunchy Stephen Glover, 1
Ramsay, Cordon, 1
Rastamouse, 1
The Rats (Herbert), 1
The Real Full Monty, 1
reality: augmented, 1;
structured, 1
Red Hot Chili Peppers, 1
referendum, on AV (‘Alternative Voting’ system), 1
Reid, Telex, 1, 2
Rendez-Vous: The Psychoanalysis of François Mitterrand, 1
Respect Party, 1
retail staff, arse-a-holic mistreatment of, 1
Richie, Linoleum, 1
Richman, Madam, 1
Rihanna, 1
riots, in English cities, August 2011, 1
The Road to Coronation Street, 1
Robin Hood Airport, Sheffield, 1
Robin Hood legend, 1
Robin’s Nest, 1
Robinson, Timmy. See Lennon, Stephen
Robson, Sir Baby, 1
role-model-to-children argument, 1, 2
romances, human, 1
Romero, Gorge, 1
Rooney, Whine, 1, 2
Ross, Jennifer, Friday Night With …, 1
Rotten, Jimmy, 1
Royal wedding TV listings, 1
rugby, 1
running, 1
Ryder, Shaun, 1
Sadowitz, Cheery, 1
Sagan, Curl, 1
Sainsbury’s Christmas advert, 1
SamCam, 1
Sandler, Omen, 1
Santa Claus, 1, 2, 3
Santa Claus: The Movie, first reference to, 1;
frankly improbable second reference to, 1
Santavision, 1
Santayana, Judge, 1
Sarkozy, Nicole, 1
Saunders, Jeremy, 1
Sawyer, Veranda, 1
scanning the page for a reference that isn’t there, 1
Scarboro, David, 1
Scenes from a Marriage, 1, 2
Schofield, Gordon T, 1
school sport, 1
Schrödinger’s cat, 1
scientists, 1
Scooby-Doo, 1
Scott-Heron, Jill, 1
Scott, Wrigley, 1
Scrabble, 1
Screen Burn column, 1
screens, video, 1
The Secret in Their Eyes, not in the book; watch it anyway, it’s a good film
section of air behind book, 1
sedation, 1
self-help books, 1, 2
semaphore, 1
serfs, rustic, 1
serial killers, now there’s a bunch of fellows with a dark sense of humour, 1
Sesame Street, 1
The Seventh Seal, 1, 2
sex and violence, 1
sexualisation of children, 1
sexy Stephen Glover, 1
‘sexy women’, 1
Shaggy, 1
Shakespeare, plays of, read and unread, 1
Shambles retail chain (hypothetical), 1
sharing, 1
Shaun of the Dead, 1
The Shining, 1
Shire horses, 1, 2
shitting, a clay limb while gnawing the bathroom doorknob, 1;
in a televised broom cupboard in attempt to achieve future showbusiness success, 1;
performed by animal in throes of ecstacy, 1;
act performed in tears by 50 Cent, 1;
eerie sense of existential giddiness engendered by defecating into the gaping aperture of a technologically advanced Japanese turd-eating machine
Shreddies, future of, 1, 2
shoe for penises or something, God knows, 1
silent-but-deadly boo-boos, in workplace, 1
Simon, Omar, 1
The Sims, 1
Sisqo, 1, 2
Skarsgård, Stellan, 1
Skellington, Jack, 1
Sky News, 1
Skywalker, Lake, 1
Slaughterhouse Five (Vonnegut), 1
sleep, 1
Smarties, green, mentioned in passing, dunno why you’re looking them up in an index, 1
Smith, Darrow, 1
Smith’s (W. H. Smith), 1
Smurfs, alliance with Nazis, 1
snack food: American mass market, 1;
BBC themed, 1;
green Kit Kats, 1;
World Cup flavour crisps, 1
Snow Leopard operating system, 1
snow, treacherous, 1
‘So Near, So Spar’ campaign, 1
sock puppets, 1
Some Like It Hot, 1
Someone is behind you;
not physically, but in spirit;
call it a presence if that helps. This isn’t an index entry, it’s a warning: someone is standing directly behind you right now
Songs of Praise, 1
Sonic the Hedgehog, 1, 2
Sony: Walkman, 1;
World Cup campaign, 1
Sopel, Jonnnnnnnn, 1
Sovereign, Lady, 1
space, homosexuality in, 1
Space Odyssey, A, 2001
Space Invaders, 1
Spaced, 1
Spartacus: Blood and Sand, 1
Speak-and-Sell tactic, 1
speed limit, raising, 1
Spence, Chewy, 1, 2
Spiral, 1
spite, pure blockheaded, 1
sport, 1;
running, 1;
school sport, 1
Spotify, 1, 2
spunking knob (iconic schoolboy doodle), 1
Squeezed Middle, 1
Star Trek, 1
Star Wars, obvious homosexual overtones of, 1
Starkey, Rabid, 1, 2
Starman, 1
Starsky and Hutch, 1
Stewart, Alastair, 1, 2
stiffing, 1
Stig, The, 1
Stink, 1
Stone, Androop, 1
Stourbridge, ghastly experiments conducted on population of, 1
strangling everyone on planet, 1
Strictly Come Dancing, 1, 2, 3;
‘Alesha Dixon on Strictly’ debate, 1
strippers, 1
Strover, Peat, 1
students, underperforming, 1
Sugar, Sir Aaron (now Lard Sugar), 1;
as Mrs Tiggywinkle and waterbuffalo, 1;
The Way I See It, 1
Summertime Special, 1
The Sun, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10;
groups picked on by, 1;
Sunday edition, 1
Super Bomberman, 1
Super Mario Sunshine, 1
Super Pac-Man, 1
supercomputer, for predicting future, 1
superhero movies, 1, 2, 3
superinjunctions, kerfuffle over, 1
Superman II, 1
Suphi, Stephen, 1
T-Mobile TV ad, 1, 2
tabloid newspapers, 1;
as role models, 1
Take Me Out, 1
Tatler, 1
television, see TV
terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible,
terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terri
ble, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible,
terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible,
terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible idea for a board game, 1
Terry, Junta, 1, 2, 3
That Was the Week That Was, 1
Thatcher, Margaret, 1, 2
They Live, 1
The Thick Of It, 1, 2
This is England, 1
Thomson, Telex, 1
Thorn, Damien (The Omen), 1
Thundercats, 1
Mr Tickle, 1
time: regrets about wasting, like you’re doing now, 1;
scarcely literate musings on its properties as a substance, 1
Timequake (Vonnegut), 1
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, 1
Titchmarsh, Heron, 1
titillating Stephen Glover, 1
To Build or Not To Build, 1
To Buy or Not To Buy, 1
Today programme, 1
toilets, in Japan, 1
Tomb Raider, 1
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, 1, 2
Top Gear, 1, 2
Top of the Pops, 1, 2, 3, 4
Tories, neverending, 1. See also Conservative Party
Tragedy of Modern Left, 1
Tragedy of Modern Right, 1
trainers, obsession with, 1
Transformers3, 1
Transformers: Dark of the Moon, 1, 2
True Blood, 1
True-May, Byron, 1
try finding this, smartarse, 1
tube (London underground), 1
tuition fees, general falling-out over, 1
Tunick, Spunker, 1
TV: advertising, see adverts, TV;
live, appearing on live, 1;
aspirational programming, 1;
comedy writing rooms, 1;
cookery series, 1;
Edinburgh TV festival, 1;
in Japan, 1;
presenters, advice to aspiring, 1;
pre-watershed; 1;
Royal wedding TV listings, 1. See also individual programmes
TV Go Home, 1
Twiggy, 1
Twilight saga, 1
Twilight Zone, 1
Twitter, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14;
News of the World hashtag-boycott-pass-the-parcel, 1;
I can make you hate Page 39
