A Different Kind of Despair

by Nicole Martinsen

  This was a camp belonging to Marvin's friends. Marvin put his hands on my shoulders. His worry stirred the anger within me, stoking the embers of ire. How dare you look at me this way? How dare you pity I, Shaman Incumbe-

  No.

  Shaman.

  My mother is already dead.

  "-d you hear me?"

  "Ah." The sound popped out of my throat. I never had to force a smile before tonight. The expression that came so naturally now ground against my lips and face like a horse pulling a crooked plow.

  He stared at me for another second and grabbed me by the hand.

  "Leo, I'm borrowing the tent!" he called.

  Leo nodded across the green. He and the last man returned their focus to a map in their hands.

  The room was filled with the glow of gas lamps. I cringed and dug my heels into the earth, my eyes darting to the floor.

  "Put them out." Marvin turned to me. I heard a quaver in my voice I didn't recognize. "Put... the fire out."

  Stern Marvin did as I asked without question or complaint. He sat me on the cot. It was so dark that I could not see his face, and he could not see mine. But I heard his breathing, steady and paced like the tides. Its consistency, its existence, was the rock that I clung to.

  Any time I opened my mouth in an attempt to speak or ask a question, faces of my friends and family swam before my eyes. Hot tears of shame left angry trails down my cheeks. How could I run? How could I live?

  "Miraj'a."

  The childish way of saying my name, normally the fastest path to my temper, made me think of my mother's face. It grounded me long enough to stab at my heart. I sat in the darkness of the tent, and I felt myself dying.

  Years ago, I'd criticized Marvin for an explanation he gave, something about how a person can both be dead and alive. I was in awe of my ignorance back then. My monumental stupidity.

  "A different kind of deadly," I murmured, recalling his words from back then. "Isn't that what you called it?"

  I heard him shuffle, slowly making out pieces of his narrow face as he entered my lonely bubble. I felt his arms, comfortably larger than my own, wrap around me. The scent of medicinal herbs, the scent I'd fallen asleep to so many times, was on his shirt.

  "Release me," I hiccuped, fighting the onset of tears.

  "It's okay, Miraj'a," he spoke to my hair. "It's okay to cry."

  "I am Hikari," I said, as though the words meant anything. The name I took so much pride in now felt dead against my ears. "I must be strong."

  "You are strong."

  "If I were strong," the words were losing to my grief. "Then I could have saved them. Some of them. Just one." I dug my nails into his back, felt them pierce the thin fabric as they sank into his flesh. "Just my mother."

  "Your mother would've wanted you to live."

  I shoved myself off of him, momentarily breaking his grasp.

  "You dare speak of living?" I demanded, my throat tight. "What sort of doctor abandons his people as they lay dying?"

  He did not deserve my outrage. I knew it, but like so many times, I could not keep my mouth in check.

  "I am not a doctor."

  The answer was an unexpected one.

  "I am a necromancer."

  "A... what?" My mind was racing, picking up fables, stories, bedtime tales. Necromancer? A necromancer was an evil spirit in mortal skin. It raised the dead and forbade them peace. A necromancer existed to steal and rape the souls of our loved ones -they were nightmares whispered into the ears of misbehaving children in the thick of night.

  Marvin rolled up the hem of his pants. I once watched him carve wooden pegs on which to stand, but this was not wood, but bone. He had fashioned entirely new skeletal shins and feet. I swayed at the revelation.

  "You really are," I said dumbly. "B-but you're not evil. There's no way my mother would've allowed a man such as you among us otherwise. Did she know?"

  "She knew," Marvin answered. "It wasn't the first time she encountered one."

  "There's no way -she would have told me."

  "Miraj, did your mother ever tell you anything about your father?"

  My chest clenched. I could see where this was going. "Only that he was a traveler."

  "Your father," Marvin said, "belongs to House Soma. His name is Larry. He's Leo's uncle, so that actually makes you and Leo cousins."

  "Hah." Uncertain laughter trembled out of my throat. "Cousins? With that giant?"

  "For now, we're headed back to Nethermountain, our original home. You'll be safe there until we can plan a new course of action."

  The thought of living among necromancers did not appeal to me, but I could not think of a reason to protest. I selected one to be my husband. Surely, they couldn't have been that bad.

  "...why are you telling me all this?" I asked, wondering at why one of his most private secrets was revealed to me when he'd done so much to keep it safe before.

  "Because I want you to know that you haven't lost everything, Miraj'a. You still have a family, just one you never had a chance to know."

  While nothing in this world could substitute what I'd lost, Marvin had broadened my horizon in the space of a sentence. Tears of relief sprang to my eyes. This time there was no shame in shedding them.

  "Thank you," I sobbed, throwing my arms around him. "I love you, Marvin. I love you so much right now I feel as though I could die."

  "Please don't," he said factually. "I already had to tell Leo not to touch my stock; I don't want to fight over your corpse too."

  His analytical side, to the point of being dense, made more sense to me as I thought of him as a necromancer. It was no wonder he knew our bodies so well.

  "Miraj?" he asked. "Are you coming down with a cold? You're shivering."

  "Marvin... do you... not like living people?"

  "What?"

  "I mean, would you love me more if I was dead?"

  He snapped, pushing me on the ground so quickly that my head was spinning.

  "You will never ask me such a stupid question again."

  Moonlight peeled through the shadow, blinding us for a moment until I recognized the blonde man in the door.

  "Really, Marvin? Was all that talk about being a criminal just for show?"

  I processed how this scene might look through the eyes of a stranger. A grown man was on top of me, and there were still tears on my face.

  "Will, it's not what it looks like-"

  "Your friend makes sense!" I decided. "You are also Hikari, Marvin. Let's repopulate the tribe together!" I kept him there by the collar of his shirt.

  "Will," Marvin struggled. "Aren't you going to do anything?"

  "I'm watching, aren't I?"

  "Dammit, Will!"

  "Alright, alright. Quit your bitchin'." He lifted Marvin back to his feet, breaking my grip as though it were nothing. "Go talk to Leo. We've found a shortcut through the Moor."

  "The Moor? Are you crazy?" he snapped. "We can't take Miraj through that place!"

  "Would you cool it? It's part of Purilo's tunnels. We'll be safe."

  Marvin groaned, stomping out the door. I heard the sound of arguing a moment later.

  Will barred my path before I could go outside and join them.

  "Of all the people on this forsaken earth, you choose Marvin for your husband?"

  I sniffed primly. "I don't owe you an explanation."

  "Then take this advice as my wedding present," Will sneered. "Unless you look like a doll, that guy won't even give you a second glance."

  4: First For Everything

  I don't recall sleeping that night, but I did.

  It was dreamless; deathly. I awoke feeling heavier than a pile of rocks. Will's words from the night before made up the first conscious thought in my head.

  What the hell was he going on about with dolls?

  The familiar sound of grinding filled the air. I looked to the side to find Marvin crushing something with a mortar and pestle. A wondering little smile tugged at my
lips, that he would think to pack such tools before running for our lives the night before.

  Two years ago, he was a scrawny thing. His frame was good, but due to his lack of muscle, he appeared like a young boy rather than a man. Once he'd fashioned himself set of pegs and affixed them to his stumps, I watched him in the mornings, hobbling along while leaning on a cane for balance.

  With time and no small amount of effort, Marvin rarely needed that extra support, until one day I saw it was gone altogether. Though I strongly doubt he noticed my observance, I was filled with such great pride, as though his accomplishment was my own.

  The man I saw now did not have the physique of a child. I do not know what additional training Marvin put himself through, but he was stronger, almost to the point of being an entirely different person from the one I spotted as he arrived.

  "I see you're awake," he said.

  "How can you see if you didn't glance at me once?"

  "You stopped snoring."

  "I do not snore!" I shrieked, my face blaring red.

  He stifled a laugh, finally giving me a sidelong glance. Mischief danced in his clouded eyes. "Your breathing pattern changed. You've fallen asleep in front of me so many times that I can tell when you're close to waking."

  Somehow, that explanation made my heart pound harder than before. It seemed that he observed me as much as I did him. I sat up, quickly patting down my hair.

  "Don't do that," he chided. Marvin took the pestle and whispered an alien phrase to its ivory surface. I looked on incredulously as it transformed into a comb.

  "What magic is that?"

  "One way to use necromancy," he replied. "It's bone, so I can reconstruct it any way to suit my needs."

  It was a bit unnatural for my tastes, but I couldn't deny its usefulness.

  Marvin sat a bit behind me, clicking his tongue on the roof of his mouth.

  "So many knots," he sighed in dismay.

  "I'll kill you if you rip my hair out."

  "Leo will just bring me back if you do," he said. I felt him grab a section of hair and hold it against my scalp. Marvin began to comb through the wild strands. One by one, I felt the tangles disappear in painless segments. I always hated brushing my hair because the gnarled wise women were so rough when they taught me how. Marvin was gentle. His touch was so kind.

  "You're shockingly good at this."

  "I've had a lot of practice."

  There was something in his voice I didn't recognize. It wasn't quite a smile, or pride, but it was tinged with a note of bitter remembrance.

  "On your sisters?" I asked, digging for answers.

  "I'm an only child."

  "Then your mother?"

  Marvin snorted, "Definitely not."

  I waited for him to pause, tilting my head back, a little embarrassed to see how close our faces were when I did.

  "Who, then?"

  "A doll."

  Will's words sent a violent chill down my spine. I didn't like the way Marvin was looking at me... looking through me, I should say. It was as though he was staring at a face that was no longer there.

  "A doll?" My throat tightened. I sat straight again so he couldn't see my face. "What kind of doll?"

  "The most beautiful doll in the world." Roses of admiration bloomed through that sentence. "She had skin so white you could see it in blacked out room, and dark, dark brown hair. I'd spend hours brushing it, just like this."

  That kind touch of his suddenly felt uncomfortable. I felt the birth of an ugly emotion rearing its head on my temperament. It made me queasy, as though I were about to vomit. I couldn't ask Marvin to stop his explanation; I needed to hear it, though all I wanted was to run away and hide.

  "Are you sure she was just a doll?"

  "Just a doll?" His hands stopped. I'd upset him... or so I thought.

  Marvin saw that I'd bunched my shoulders, in anticipation of an angry outburst. It prompted him to think of what he was saying, and who he was saying it to.

  "She's dead, Miraj."

  The words sat between his lips and my back, sinking into the air. I wondered how a doll could possibly die, but the resolution in the manner he said it told me that was the one question I was not allowed to ask. I recalled what my mother told me about honorable people being entitled to their secrets. This was the one Marvin had to keep above all others.

  "...my condolences," I muttered.

  Marvin put a hand on the top of my head.

  "Thank you, Miraj'a."

  The top of the tent crashed down on us.

  Marvin swore under his breath, but he'd covered me from the wooden poles.

  "LEO!" his voice boomed.

  "That was an accident!"

  I heard him sigh directly overhead. Once again, I tilted my head back, smiling at my unwitting husband. I wrapped my arms around his neck, taking advantage of this opportunity.

  "I love you," I reminded him.

  His eyebrow twitched. The corners of his mouth quirked into a frown.

  "Is my love that repulsive to you?"

  "If I said yes would you knock it off?"

  "No."

  He sighed. His breath carried the scent of wheat, barley, and lemongrass.

  I kissed him full on those unguarded lips.

  "Mff?!" When he pulled away I was pleasantly surprised by his horrified look, turning beet-red in fractions of a second. I felt a genuine grin return to my face.

  "I. love. you," I repeated sweetly.

  "GODS DAMMIT, MIRAJ!"

  The tent finally came off of us. Marvin staggered back and to his feet. Leo and Will both caught sight of his face right before he could hide it in the crook of his arm. Leo watched him storm off with a measure of awe, turning to me as I rocked back and forth, quite pleased with my assertiveness.

  "What did you do?"

  "I kissed him," I giggled in spite of myself. "Did you see the way he left? It was like he's never kissed a girl in his life."

  Leo's expression blanked.

  The gears turned in my head.

  My hands covered my mouth in horror.

  "No," I gasped.

  Leo scratched the back of his neck looking sheepish, saying nothing to confirm or refute my conclusion. The gears turned along some more. If Marvin had never even kissed a girl then...

  "He's never...?" I began. "So he's...?" I pressed my face into my palms. "I've done something unforgivable, haven't I?"

  Leo and I peered into the distance, where we saw Marvin rapidly relaying the events that had just transpired to Will. Once he'd stopped with his exaggerated gesturing, there was a brief moment of silence.

  Will then circled one arm around his abdomen while pointing at Marvin, laughing so hysterically we could hear it from where we were standing.

  "BWAHAHAHAHA!"

  "I'm a despicable woman."

  "Pretty much," said Leo. "Help me finish packing things up so we can leave once Marvin is done mourning his lost innocence."

  I cursed myself profusely.

  "He's twenty eight!" I said, aiding Leo in rolling up the tent. "What man past the age of eighteen hasn't yet kissed a girl?"

  "A live one? Over half of them."

  Now it was my turn to gape. Leo looked up at me, wondering why I stopped working.

  "What?" he asked.

  "A... live..." I cringed. "You mean you... kiss corpses?"

  Leo shot me a disparaging glance. "If you'd seen the selection in Nethermountain then you wouldn't be judging. To be a man is to endure!"

  I bowed my head to the grass. "My deepest, sincerest, most humbled condolences."

  "Marvin's my best friend," he fumed, "but damn him for getting a wife before me. If I was kissed by a living girl I guarantee we'd be doing a hell of a lot more than touching lips."

  I coughed, mortified.

  The emu wandered over to us, offering Leo a comforting rub of its head. Leo smiled.

  "Thanks, Tully. At least you're not going to betray me like that, right?"

&nb
sp; I watched the emu nod, recalling its skeletal legs.

  Huh. So these are necromancers.

  The pitiful virgins from hell.

  5: Return to the Moor

  Leo and Marvin were several paces ahead of us, with the latter avoiding me in particular. I cursed myself over my priorities, and the fact that that this all felt like a dream. Our group of four was heading south. I saw the Cascadian Plains, their low-lying fields and prairie grass patches, giving way to arid earth and pockets of sand.

  It felt wrong to me. The loss I'd just suffered didn't feel real. I saw the fire and the brutal attack, but in my heart I still believed I could return and there would be my mother discussing some matter with the women soothsayers of our tribe. I felt impossibly selfish for being here in the company of these very strange men, for not taking more time to appreciate the culture of my own people -for being too weak to do anything other than run.

  Despite his obvious aversion to my affections, I hope that one day Marvin can understand why I'm behaving the way I am.

  Words of love were not as common as they should have been between Hikari. I myself shied away from my mother's affections in my tent the day before. The ghostly weight of her lips remained on my skin, and I kept bringing my fingers to my forehead and cheeks, as though I could pick up a more physical trace of her existence.

  Though I died of embarrassment a little every time I said it or pulled him close, I want Marvin to know that I care for him. For however short a time, he was Hikari. I loved his willingness to learn our ways. I loved the way he cared for our people. I loved the scent of his tent with all its pungent tinctures and ointments -I even loved the way he scolded me without a second thought, where most men in our matriarchal setting reserved their concerns for private discussions.

  Until I could fully comprehend the loss of my home, Marvin was my only real constant. He was there when my world was still standing. He is became my world when my old one had died.

  Ma'man, am I doing the right thing in going to the home of necromancers? Did you know that Kurai would attack us as they did?

  We stopped at an outcropping of rocks. I watched as Will and Leo shoved a weighty set of boulders to the side, parting the matted tufts of grass beneath them. A set of natural stairs came in view, leading somewhere beneath the earth.