The Travel Auction

by Mark Green

  He may not want to take me with him, but I wasn’t going to give up that easily. No way.

  “Right, okay then. Good. The problem is still the same…”

  I began sizing him up for my next move.

  “Actually you’ve got two problems. One, you need someone to taste any food that might contain nuts. And two, you need someone who can act fast if you run into difficulty.”

  “Yes, but I’m not sure you’re the right person… I mean you can test the food, sure, but if anything happens…”

  “You carry adrenaline with you, right?”

  I started to prepare myself.

  “My old girlfriend used to…”

  I mentally lined up where I thought he was relative to the table and sofa.

  “Do you have any on you at the moment?”

  Slight adjustment, five seconds…

  “Yes, but…”

  Three seconds…

  “Where?”

  Get ready.

  “In the breast pocket of my jacket. I try to forget it’s there because…”

  Go!

  I let go of his hand and propelled myself towards him, knocking the table aside as he fell back, my knee landing on the sofa between his legs. I found his shoulder, used it as a reference point and reached inside his jacket pocket. I grabbed the adrenaline ‘pen’ and ran my other hand down his chest, over his groin and located his thigh. I pressed my thumbnail into his leg.

  “That quick enough?”

  I stayed sitting astride him, listening to his rapid breathing and feeling the tension in his body.

  “Take that bloody needle away!”

  We held eye contact for a moment. I was close enough to see the hazy outline of his face.

  “So I can come with you?”

  “Jesus, yes! I’ve got the point okay, just take that bloody thing away…”

  If I could have seen further than just in front of my nose, I’m sure I would have enjoyed seeing the other people in the lobby staring at us. I decided to let him live, for now.

  “Good. Another glass of wine please, a large one this time.”

  I replaced the cap and pushed the pen into his jacket pocket. I felt the way back to my own sofa, leaving him breathing uneasily and sweating; I could feel the hot glow.

  “Quickest draw in the west amigo. That’s Spanish by the way. I’ve got a couple of those learn a new language in a week CDs!”

  * *

  Me

  She’s a complete raving lunatic! I blame the National Health Service for breeding such aggressive nursing staff.

  * *

  It took me quite a while to regain my composure after that. I just sat there breathing erratically as a waiter placed two glasses of wine in front of us, even dropping me a mischievous wink as he left.

  What the hell had I got myself into?!

  * *

  Kate Thornly (the 2nd)

  I think Jonathan was pretty impressed with my demonstration, though he didn’t actually say as much. In fact he was very quiet afterwards, perhaps that’s just his way. But at least I’d proved my point, no helpless female here. Okay, I did slightly bully him, but it was for his own good. Anyway, it’s too late for him to change his mind now; we’re flying out in the morning, Jonathan Cork and a new and improved Kate Thornly.

  It’s weird to be called by my birth name again. It’s even stranger to think that Jonathan will be calling me the same name as his ex. I wonder what went wrong between them?

  * *

  Dinner that night was a strange affair.

  “It’d be really helpful for me to understand your mood. So you need to talk to me,” I said, when the silence finally became too much.

  I sipped my soup and waited.

  And waited.

  “Have you abandoned me Jonathan?”

  More silence.

  “You’re hardly being a gentleman,” I said a little louder. Was that a sigh I heard? Difficult to say with all the background restaurant chatter.

  “I’m still here.”

  “But you were thinking about doing a runner, right?”

  “Maybe. How’s the soup?”

  I lifted the spoon to my mouth and slurped really loudly, like I was hunting down the last dregs of a McDonald’s milkshake.

  “Is that really necessary?”

  I could hear the annoyance and embarrassment in his voice and it amused me. I guess I was just testing the water.

  “Just making sure you’re paying attention. Thing is, if you’re not much of a talker, we need to work on that. If I can hear you then I know where you are, and in the unfortunate event of you chucking anything nut-related down your throat, I need to be close so I can get there quickly. I gauge distance by your voice, so you’ve got to talk to me, a lot.”

  “That may take a bit of getting used to,” he said.

  “And you need to be more expressive in how and what you say, I can’t see body language, I can only listen or touch to find out what’s really being said. That’s something I have to get used to.”

  There was a long pause.

  “I’ll see what I can do.”

  * *

  Me

  Still in a state of shock, it took me until coffee after the meal to broach the rather tricky subject of boundaries.

  “This is a bit awkward, but we should probably talk about sleeping arrangements for the trip,” I blurted out, somewhat clumsily.

  “Are you going to be a gentleman and sleep on the floor?” she said, allowing a wry smile to creep across her lips.

  “Um... well, three months is a long time and I’ve paid a lot of money... I was originally travelling with the other Kate, so sharing a bed would have been perfectly natural. Now things have changed, I don’t have enough cash for separate rooms. So perhaps we should try and share, but without any, erm, well, you know, any...”

  “Without any... shenanigans?”

  I nodded, forgetting that body language was wasted on her.

  “Probably best to keep everything on a business footing don’t you think? Try to get through the trip without any complications.”

  “What is it Jonathan, worried you’re not over Kate and won’t be able to perform if I come on to you?” she said, in a playful voice.

  I flinched as I felt her foot brush against my shin.

  “Don’t be stupid, it’s not that at all...” I said indignantly.

  She giggled, a wicked grin on her lips.

  “You men are so predictable! Relax, I’m just teasing you.”

  At this point I should have conceded she’d wound me up a treat and retired gracefully from the conversation. But I was flustered and on full automatic pilot.

  “Look, I just want to establish some boundaries early on, so there isn’t any confusion...”

  “Do you really think I’m the sort of girl who’s going to leap on you and give you the best night’s shag you’ve ever had, having met you less than two hours ago? You’re not that charismatic!”

  I just sat there, completely dumbfounded. What the hell could I say to that?

  “A pact then,” she said, draining her wine and offering her hand across the table.

  “A pact?”

  “Yup. Not to get sexually involved.”

  “Okay,” I said meekly.

  I gently squeezed her hand.

  “That means no wandering hands in the middle of the night. We stay to our own side of the bed. Agreed?”

  “Agreed. But I’m not that sort of bloke...”

  “I was talking about me!”

  * *

  I sat on my side of the bed, wondering how I’d ended up in this bizarre situation. This was supposed to be my big dream, the once-in-a-lifetime trip I’d been planning for the last fifteen years. But now here I was, about to be full-time carer for a disabled, sorry, partially-sighted person.

  For the second time that day I thought about doing a runner. I’d sneak out of the room in the middle of the night and go on my own and just be rea
lly careful what I ate. But then, she played the oldest trick in the book and aroused my curiosity…

  * *

  Kate Thornly (the 2nd)

  I sat on the bath deep in thought. Jonathan was not the open-minded travel companion I’d been led to believe.

  I guess Maria put an extra bit of spin on the telephone conversation she’d had with him. Even so, I was warming to the trip. Three months away would be one hell of an adventure. I just needed to get Jonathan to chill out. So I started to put together a cunning plan to ensure I was by his side at the airport check-in desk the next morning.

  I stood up, took a deep breath and opened the door, pulling off my t-shirt as I left the bathroom.

  “I thought we’d get this out of the way early on, so that we can stop tiptoeing around each other, being polite.”

  I knew he was still sitting on the far side of the bed because I could hear his faint breathing. I kicked off my shoes and unzipped my jeans, starting to wiggle them down over my hips.

  “Forgive me for jumping to conclusions, but I’m sensing you still have some reservations about travelling with me, despite my earlier demo. So, here’s a little test for you.”

  I stooped and pushed my jeans over each ankle.

  “One advantage of being blind is that I won’t laugh at your paunch, if you have one. But if I ask you to shut your eyes, because I sleep in the nude and am about to strip off, you have a choice. So, Jonathan - decide. Are you going to be a gentleman, or will your manly curiosity get the better of you?”

  I reached behind my back and unhooked the clasp of my bra. Thank goodness I’d put on some reasonably nice underwear this morning, practical and comfortable, but with a bit of lace.

  I wondered what he’d do.

  “Ready? Shut your eyes… now.”

  I slipped my bra off, then in no particular hurry, eased my knickers down over my thighs. Then I felt my way to the head of the bed, pulled back the covers and climbed in.

  “Did you peek?”

  I know it was naughty, but what the hell, we needed an icebreaker.

  “I’m a gentleman, there are rules about that sort of thing…”

  He passed by the end of the bed on his way to the bathroom.

  “Yeah, but did you look?”

  I heard the bathroom door shut and grinned. I’d put him on the back foot, embarrassed him. Maybe I could have some fun on this trip after all…

  * *

  Me

  Jesus Christ!

  I’m no prude and I admit I enjoy checking out the female body as much as the next man, but what are you supposed to do in that situation? Is it really bad etiquette to look, or is it rude not to?

  I shook my head and sat down on the corner of the bath to think. My brain needed a moment to catch up with the madness of this crazy situation.

  Once I’d got over my shock, I couldn’t help smiling. Perhaps this trip wasn’t going to be so bad after all.

  But of course all this is irrelevant. What you really want to know is, did I look?

  Well, what would you have done?!

  Four

  Kate Thornly (the 2nd)

  I avoided the naked test the following morning by letting Jonathan go to the bathroom first. By the time he was done, I’d gathered up my clothes and got dressed, a little sheepishly if I’m honest. I think the wine might have had something to do with my reckless behaviour.

  I mentally slapped myself on the wrist, then sat down to wait for my turn in the bathroom. My stomach was wrapping itself up in knots. South America here we come. Yippee!!

  * *

  Me

  Travelling with someone who has a disability is a completely new experience for me. You have to think about the really simple things in a completely new light. It’s more than that of course, it forces you to see past your own hang-ups and reduces things down to a much simpler level. Right now I was having to make allowances that I’d never had to with my Kate Thornly. Not that she was mine anymore of course.

  It had been laughable really. Like a bad porn movie where a pumped up workman, complete with a Freddie Mercury moustache arrives at the house of a damsel in distress.

  “I’ve come to fix your fridge…” the workman would say, in a thick Norwegian accent.

  The plumber from over the road was only supposed to service the boiler! Kate Thornly the 1st had kindly agreed to wait in at my house for him. She did shift work and was starting later in the day. I thought I’d surprise her with a spot of lunch; instead she surprised me by being straddled across Frank on the kitchen floor. Turns out she’d already eaten!

  I dumped her on the spot. Well you would, wouldn’t you? Despite being embarrassed at getting caught, she wasn’t remotely remorseful.

  “I’m sick of having to nursemaid you Jonny, real men see to my needs.”

  I didn’t even bother asking how long it had been going on. What was the point?

  There was something of an irony here I thought, as Kate Thornly the 2nd and I shuffled up to the check-in desk, her arm hooked in mine. I’d brought it all on myself, I decided, and this was my penance.

  * *

  Kate Thornly (the 2nd)

  So far Jonathan had been great at letting me hook my arm in his and guiding me around the airport, but I suspect it was more through a sense of duty than because he wanted to. He probably thought he’d drawn the short straw, ending up with me, but I’d soon show him he hadn’t. He just needed educating in how to have a laugh…

  “I could do with a wee,” I said.

  “Can’t you wait until after check-in?” he said, a little sharply.

  “That could take some time. Probably best I go now.”

  I heard an intake of breath and felt his arm stiffen around mine.

  “Did you get out of the wrong side of bed this morning? You seem a little tense,” I said.

  “I’m fine. This way.”

  We picked up pace and I felt myself skipping along to try and keep up with him. It wasn’t easy to co-ordinate my step with his and not being able to see changes of direction didn’t help. Trouble is, when I come up against this sort of insensitivity, I get annoyed and dig my heels in. So I decided to play up, just a little.

  “Here we are,” he said.

  “Great, thanks.”

  I stood there waiting, having a secret smile at his expense.

  “What’s up?”

  “You need to show me to a cubicle.”

  Kerclang! His jaw hit the ground.

  “I can’t go into the ladies, I’ll get lynched.

  I squeezed his arm, enjoying his discomfort.

  “Then we’ll have to go to the gents.”

  There was a silence as he considered this suggestion.

  “It’s not like I’m going to see anything, is it?” I added.

  I decided to give him a little nudge and started walking, pulling him with me.

  “Is it this way?”

  “Bloody hell! Come on then.”

  He took up his normal stride and led me off to the right, slowing down as we manoeuvred through a door, which wasn’t easy being so close to each other.

  “Morning gentlemen please don’t be alarmed. I can’t see past my nose, so your vanity is safe with me…” I called out, laughing heartily inside. I guessed Jonathan’s face was several shades of crimson by now.

  “Can you tell me how close we are?”

  I felt his arm disentangle itself and his hand grasped mine.

  “Here, that’s the door. The toilet is two steps straight ahead. The loo roll will be on your right when you sit down.”

  “Great, thanks. Won’t be a mo.”

  I shut the cubicle door behind me and clamped my hand across my face to stop laughing out loud. It was his own stupid fault, if he’d been a bit nicer I wouldn’t have put him through the mill. I finished up and felt for the door opening.

  “All done Jonathan darling. Can you tell me where the flush is please?”

  I felt him brush past me. A m
oment later I heard the water rushing through the system. I held my hands out.

  “Sink?”

  “Jesus!”

  He clasped my elbow, walked me a few paces then pushed my hands under running water.

  “Thanks babe,” I said, sensing another man on the other side of me. I tipped my head in his direction as I rinsed my hands.

  “That’s lovely cologne. May I ask what it is?”

  There was a pause long enough for a bemused expression — I’m guessing here, but men are predictable.

  “Erm, thanks. I don’t actually know. My wife bought it for me,” he said, then scurried away. Was I really that frightening?!

  * *

  Me

  This was going to be a long three months.

  It was embarrassing having to escort Kate Thornly the 2nd into the gents’ toilets like a small child. I was shaking my head all the way back to the check-in desk. Humiliating, that’s what it was.

  * *

  Kate Thornly (the 2nd)

  I was aware of the lady at the check-in desk, but I can only see vague facial expressions when I’m really close to someone and I mean nose to nose. Even so, I can detect sympathy in someone’s tone of voice, and this was immediately evident as we handed over our passports and went through the usual security questions. They’re sometimes a bit of a stumbling block, especially when it comes to the question of ‘did you pack your own bag?’ I have to rely on Maria to step in and say that she helped me, which normally satisfies the airport staff. In fact, it’s worked every other time I’ve flown. Except today.

  “I packed with the help of my boyfriend,” I said, leaning towards Jonathan, smiling in the direction of the lady.

  * *

  Me

  I snapped out of my daze, vaguely aware of an expectant silence. I looked over at the check-in lady and raised my eyebrows.

  “Sorry, miles away.”

  “Did you pack your girlfriend’s bag sir?”

  “No, of course not, we only met yesterday.”

  Oops.

  Sometimes I’m just too honest. Clearly this was one of those situations where a small white lie would definitely have been the way to go.

  * *

  The room was small and stuffy. I watched the two security staff sift through her clothes, presumably packed by her friend Maria, who clearly had a warped sense of humour. On the table was the usual assortment of stuff you’d expect; some summer dresses, shorts, jeans and fleeces for the colder climates. But there were also a few other items.