Sean

by Desiree Wilder

  “Good for you! I didn’t know you were even considering it.” I was a little hurt she hadn’t talked about it.

  “I wasn’t. It just came to me this morning. I need something to do while you’re in school all day. I’ll start practicing tomorrow, try out in about three weeks, and then if I get a part, I’ll still have all day open to rehearse.” She didn’t have much enthusiasm about it.

  “Of course you’ll get a part.” I leaned over and kissed her. “I’m excited for you and proud of you for going for it.”

  “Yeah, we’ll see. Are you ready?” She stood.

  “Yep!” I finished my juice and followed her to the car. I hoped her mood would lighten a little. She was unusually crabby.

  She did lighten up finally and we had a great day. She even ate half her meal when we stopped for an early dinner on the way back to my place. As I followed her through my door, I felt anxious about it being our last night together before our schedules became filled with school, homework, rehearsals, and her job.

  “I wish you’d just move in with me,” I told her. “I want to see you every day.”

  “It’ll be okay.” She put her arms around me. “I’m not ready to give up my own place. It means a lot to me.”

  “I know it does.” Sometimes it annoyed me how independent she was, but when I stopped to remember how it got her where she was, I was thankful for it. “Please tell me you’re staying here tonight. I’ll take you home in the morning before school.”

  “Yes. I’ll stay, under one condition.” She gave me a naughty grin.

  “I’m in,” I said.

  “You haven’t even heard the condition.” She giggled.

  “Believe me; your naughty grin gave you away. I’m in.”

  “Okay!” She was excited and I was too, although I didn’t know what, exactly, she had planned. I knew I wouldn’t be disappointed, whatever it was.

  “I have to jump on the computer and print out my final schedule and double check some things for school. It’ll only take twenty minutes or so.” I said apologetically.

  “That’s fine,” she sang. “I’ll shower while you’re doing that and then you can shower while I get stuff ready for our big night.” She skipped off to the bedroom. She was so sweet when she had something up her sleeve.

  I got all my school stuff taken care of just as she breezed out of the bedroom. She had short shorts, a tank top and a bra on. She was sun-kissed from the beach and her skin glowed. I ran my hands up her silky smooth arms and breathed in that soft vanilla scent that I never grew tired of.

  “What’s with the bra?” I whispered in her ear before I kissed her neck.

  “It leaves more to the imagination,” she said.

  I was intrigued as I headed to the shower. As I dried off, I heard Brynn’s phone ring. It didn’t happen very often, so I always noticed when it did. I pulled a pair of basketball shorts on and was headed back to Brynn when my phone rang. It was Gia.

  “Hi, Sean. I wanted to let you know Ethan’s and my flight info, so maybe you and Brynn could clear your schedules and take another day off while we’re there.”

  I grabbed my laptop and hopped on my bed. I entered all the info and checked my interning schedule. It was going to work out great for me. They’d be coming in on Friday afternoon and be here until Monday morning, so I wouldn’t have to miss much for school and I was only interning one weekend a month, which wasn’t that one. Maybe Brynn could take Saturday and Sunday off and we could make a big weekend out of it!

  “That’s perfect,” I told Gia. “Do you guys want to stay at the hotel?”

  “I don’t know. It’s tempting, for sure.”

  I got on the hotel website and checked out availability. I was having trouble getting the information, so I had to shut down my computer and restart it. There were a few suites available so I immediately booked one for them. I told her it was an engagement gift. She had a fit and told me no, but I knew how much she loved the suite she and the girls had stayed in, so it made me happy to make her happy.

  “It’s booked and paid for, so I guess you can tell me no all you want, but it’s a done deal.”

  “Thank you so much, Sean. Ethan’s gonna flip when he sees that place. I can’t wait!”

  We got to talking about the weekend she stayed there. It was fun to remember the flirting on the elevator and the trip to the roof before we really knew each other. We laughed when I reminded her about the dude who’d tried to get her to come to his room and told her to “have fun on your playdate” when he stepped off the elevator.

  I’d lost track of time while I’d been on the phone with Gia. I was surprised Brynn hadn’t come in to get me.

  “Sorry, Sean. I lost track of time, too. I tried to call Brynn before I called you, but she didn’t answer. She probably didn’t want an intrusion into your alone time, and then I go and keep you on the phone for an hour. Tell her I’m sorry and I’ll try her again tomorrow while you’re at school. Have a great first day!”

  “It’s all good; she has me for the rest of the night.” I laughed. “Yeah, thanks. I’m excited to get my final year started. Talk to you soon. Love ya.”

  I shut down my computer and walked out to the living room. I didn’t see Brynn at first, but I saw what she’d been so excited about. There were playing cards, cigars, and beer on the table. She’d wanted to play strip poker with me ever since that first week we’d spent together back in July. Every time she brought it up, we ended up doing something else instead, but I knew it was something she really wanted to do. Fuck! I felt like a total dick.

  I turned and saw her on the couch. She had a blanket over her and had fallen asleep. I sat on the floor in front of her and stroked her hair. She looked sad.

  “Brynn,” I whispered. She opened her eyes slightly before closing them and turning her body to face the back of the couch. Ouch. That hurt. She’d never really been angry with me before, that I knew of.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “It’s early yet. We have plenty of time left to play poker.”

  She didn’t budge.

  “I was having trouble on my computer booking a room for Ethan and Gia. Then, we got to talking and I swear I didn’t realize how long it’d been. I’m so sorry.” I stroked her hair again.

  “I accept your apology. Watch a movie. I’m gonna take a nap.” Her tone was soft and forgiving. I kissed the back of her head. I’d ruined the night, the last night of the summer. I was a number one asshole. Fuck!

  I grabbed a beer and put the rest back in the fridge. I sat at the bar and sipped it as I wondered how long she’d sleep and how disappointed she was with me. Why didn’t I tell Gia I’d call her later? Why’d I have to get into the whole booking a room thing? Why didn’t Brynn come and get me? Did she know who I was talking to? Did she ignore Gia’s call on purpose? Of course she did. Just like Gia said, she probably didn’t want an intrusion into the fun night she had planned. Then I had to go and not only answer Gia’s call, like I always did, but spend the next hour on my bed talking and laughing with her. I didn’t even think about it at the time. What the fuck was wrong with me?

  The beer made me tired. I should’ve known better than to drink it. Brynn and I were always exhausted after a day at the beach. I put in a movie, reclined my chair, and within a half an hour I was trying my best to fight my heavy lids. I wanted to be awake when Brynn woke, but I couldn’t hold them open any longer and I dozed off. I slept hard as I dreamed of swimming, poker, and Brynn. By the time I came to, it was almost five in the morning. My eyes immediately went to the empty couch. I jumped up to find her, but my heart sank as I noticed a note on the bar.

  I decided to get an early start and didn’t want to wake you. Have a great first day. Brynn.

  “Fuck!” I called her. No answer. I texted her. No immediate response. I called her again and left a message.

  “Brynn, I know you’re upset with me about last night and I don’t blame you. I’m sorry and I want to talk to you about it. I’d never
intentionally hurt you and it’s eating me up knowing I have. I’m worried about you. Please just take a second and let me know you’re okay. We can talk later, but I have to know you’ve made it wherever you went safely.”

  I waited. Nothing. I jumped in the shower, and as I dressed my phone beeped. I ran to it. It was a text.

  I’m fine.

  I texted back immediately.

  Where r u?

  Of course there was no answer. I ate breakfast as I contemplated my next move. I knew I should let her be, but I had to know that we were okay before I went to school. Did her text back to me mean that we were okay? My phone beeped again and I about fell out of the stool as I leaped for it.

  I’m working out.

  We’ll talk tonite.

  I was thankful for that. I took a deep breath. At least she answered me. That was a good sign. I felt better, but obviously not great. I had to make it up to her. I went online and ordered her the most beautiful bouquet of flowers they showed. I stayed away from the ‘biggest’ knowing that Brynn was not impressed with what money could buy. She appreciated beauty and things that made her stop and breathe.

  I took some time and thought about what Brynn meant to me. I thought about our summer together and the things we’d shared. I thought about her sweetness, her honesty, and the way she looked at me. Jesus. I’d taken advantage of her. I’d taken her for granted, assuming for some reason that she’d be here with me whenever I wanted her to be.

  I called my therapist. I think he heard the panic in my voice as he agreed to meet me in half an hour. I grabbed my things for school and headed to his office. I’d only been meeting with him once a month for the last year, and even then we talked about all sorts of things, not just me. I do remember him saying though, that he’d be seeing more of me when I started dating someone seriously.

  “So, Sean, what’s going on?” Dr. Miller asked me as I took a seat in his office.

  “I’ve been taking advantage of Brynn. She’s become the most important person in my life, and I’ve been oblivious to her feelings. Last night I blew her off for an hour while she was waiting for me. She left this morning before I woke up and I’m scared shitless I’m going to lose her.”

  “What were you doing during the hour you blew her off?”

  “Talking to Gia on the phone.”

  “Have you been talking to Gia a lot?”

  “Every two or three days.”

  “Has anything changed between you and Gia since I saw you last?”

  “No.”

  “Do you still love her?”

  “Of course. She’s my best friend.”

  “Do you love Brynn?”

  I stared at him. “I don’t know.”

  “Five minutes ago you said Brynn had become the most important person in your life.”

  “Yes.”

  “Is that true?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then why did you blow her off last night to talk to Gia for an hour?”

  “I’m an asshole.”

  “No, Sean, you’re not. Why are you still in pause mode?”

  “Because Brynn’s not ready.”

  “Not ready for what?”

  “She’s not ready for a serious relationship.”

  “Why?”

  “She doesn’t get emotional.”

  “Do you?”

  “No.”

  “Do you think you have to be an emotional person to fall in love?”

  I pondered it for a while. “No.”

  “Do you think Brynn loves you?”

  Tears ran down my face. “I hope so.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I love her.” I broke down.

  “There you go. Why have you been fighting it so hard?”

  “I’m scared.” I gained some control.

  “Of what?”

  “Loving her, losing her, disappointing her, not being able to help her or make her happy.”

  “Those are big things, aren’t they?”

  “Huge.”

  “Maybe you should take a break from each other for a while.”

  I gasped. “What? Why?” The thought of being alone again terrified me.

  “What just went through your mind?”

  “I don’t want to be alone again.”

  “Why?”

  “I’m scared.”

  “Of what?”

  “Not having her in my life.”

  “Who?”

  I smiled. “My girl. Brynn.”

  “Are you ready to tell Brynn how you feel about her?”

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  “I’m scared.”

  “Of what?”

  “Scaring her away.”

  “What if it’s what she wants to hear?”

  “What if it’s not?” I couldn’t risk it.

  “What if you lose her?”

  “I can’t.” The thought of it took me all the way back to Gretchen. I felt like I was about to get sick. I grabbed the little garbage can by Dr. Miller’s desk and heaved up my breakfast. “I’m so sorry,” I told him.

  “It’s fine. Sean, I want you to think about some things and then I want to talk to you again tomorrow.” I nodded. “Gretchen was an emotional person, would you agree?”

  “Absolutely.” I smiled as I thought of her and the way she’d get choked up over movies, books, even commercials. She told me every day how she felt about me and her face glowed when I’d tell her how much I loved her.

  “Gia’s an emotional woman too, correct?”

  “Oh, yes.” She surely was. When I told her my story, I watched her feel my pain. She made me feel her pain too, when she shared hers with me. She loved as deeply as I’d ever witnessed and she shared it with everyone.

  “I want you to think about them and what made them into such emotional women. I want you to think about Brynn and what makes her different and why. Then, I want you to think about yourself and what attracted you to these three women.”

  “Okay.”

  I headed to school. Dr. Miller had given me a lot to think about, but I had to focus on getting through the day first. I also had to talk to Brynn later. I had to make things right with her.

  Chapter 9

  As soon as I got home from school I called Brynn. My heart skipped a beat when I heard her voice.

  “Hi, Sean,” she answered.

  “Hi, Brynn. How was your day?”

  “It was good. How was yours?”

  “Long. Can I take you to dinner? I want to see you.” I didn’t like the small talk. We were so far past that.

  “Yeah. I just took a nap, give me time to shower.” She sounded sad. It gave me an anxious feeling and I wanted to get to her as soon as I could.

  “Okay. I’ll see you soon.” I leaned back in my chair and took a deep breath. I couldn’t wait to see her.

  I jumped in the shower just to make time go by faster. I picked out a pair of jeans I knew she loved and the shirt she’d helped me pick out when we’d went to the mall.

  ***

  As I heard the locks being opened, I felt nervous. When she opened the door and I saw her beautiful face, the nervousness dissipated. I hugged her and took in her sweet scent. She hugged me back and I felt some relief.

  “I’m sorry about last night,” I told her. “I want to talk it out. I want to fix it and make things right. I don’t want you to be upset with me.”

  “It’s all right,” she said. “I know you didn’t mean to make me feel like you did. I just want to spend a couple of hours together before I have to get ready for work.”

  I pulled away and held her at arm’s distance. “I think we should talk about it.”

  “Sean, we’ve both had a long day after a short night. I’m over it and I want to eat. Can we please just forget about last night?” She was sincere and looked tired. I felt bad about the short night, knowing it was because of me.

  “Okay. If that’s what you want.”

  We held hands a
s we walked to the car. She leaned against my arm, and before I opened her door, I leaned down to kiss her. She met me halfway and it felt as good as ever. I took her to the hotel to one of our favorite restaurants. I’d called ahead and asked them to save a semi-private table so we could talk.

  “Tell me about practice,” I said as we waited for our dinner.

  “It’s going to kick my ass,” she said. “Well, the fact that I waited until the last minute to learn the routines is going to kick my ass. If I would’ve started a month ago like everyone else, I would’ve been okay.”

  “You’re a fantastic dancer though; you can learn it and kick its ass.” I smiled.

  “Most of these girls have been dancing since they were little. They’ve had professional training and have been in big time shows like this one. I’m in over my head, but I’m going for it—I have to.”

  “Why do you have to?” What was she saying?

  “I just do.” She looked out the window. She looked sad. I didn’t want her to be sad.

  “You seem down. I want to lift you up. Will you talk to me about it?”

  She slowly turned her head back to look at me. “I’m just tired.” She did look tired.

  “Brynn, I want you to know that I’m here for you if you ever want to talk. When was the last time you saw your doctor?”

  “Today.” She looked out the window again. “He thinks I need a break.”

  “He’s right. Maybe you should take a couple…” I started.

  “From you,” she whispered.

  I was silent as I stared at her sad face looking back at me. “Why?”

  “You can’t give me what I need.” Her words stabbed me in the heart.

  “Yes, I can.” I knew I could and I’d prove it to her and her damn doctor. I had to get out of pause mode and show her I could give her everything. I moved my chair as close to her as possible and took her hand. “Brynn, don’t give up on us yet and I’ll show you. Give me another chance to make it right and give you what you need.”

  She looked into my eyes and saw that mine were begging her. I wanted to say so much more, but I saw her soften and it reassured me. I’d said enough, enough to make her give me a chance, but not too much. I couldn’t risk scaring her away. I couldn’t lose her.