Ma, It's a Cold Aul Night an I'm Lookin for a Bed

by Martha Long

  I moseyed on, stopping at Binn’s Bridge and looking over the wall into the dirty canal water. My Gawd! This brings me back. How often have I turned here, walking up that Whitworth Road there on the way to the convents with me ma and the kids. All of us walking from town, or going over this bridge and heading up the road on me way back out to Finglas. But we walked it more times then we took the bus.

  I haven’t been around these parts in years. Not since I went to the convent. Now here I am, back again, but on me own terms. Yeah! I wanted to shout and laugh. I looked around, seeing no one, keeping me happiness to meself. You don’t laugh on your own. You get arrested for madness and disturbing the peace. Ha! That thought made me laugh. I feel I can do anything, whatever I like. Who is going to stop me?

  I headed on down through Dorset Street, seeing a few cars on the move. People sat in the cars with their new hats and coats on. Most of them had grannies and granddads in the back of the car, with loads of Christmas presents all stacked in the back window. They’re probably getting collected to go for their dinner with their grown-up children, I surmised, looking after the cars. Some cars had children in them, hopping around, tearing open presents. They’re probably going to a relation for their dinner or visiting the granny or an auntie to give her a present. They’re all the respectable people I used to look up to. Now I could pass meself off as one of them. Funny, they don’t seem that big and important any more! Just ordinary. It must be because I’m ordinary, and if I’m like them, then they must be ordinary, too.

  I stopped when I got to the corner of Gardiner Street. Will I turn left down there, and end up on the Liffey? Or will I go straight, head on down Dominick Street, and continue on down to the Broadstone? I’d even end up beside the Richmond Hospital. Then if I went up the hill, I would be up outside the Morning Star Hostel, where that Jackser fella said he first met me ma. He used to talk about that. He’d even say if it wasn’t for me running off with that aul one’s high heels from the women’s part, the Regina Ceoli Hostel, they would never have met!

  Yeah, I remember that day very well. I took off, running down the hill in a pair of women’s high heels. The ma had started talking to an aul one in the hostel. Then me ma made herself comfortable, sitting down on the aul one’s bed with the babby, Charlie, sitting on her lap. I spotted the high heels sitting under the bed and tried them on.

  ‘Don’t touch my things, young one!’ snapped the aul one at me. I couldn’t help meself. I took off running, straight out the door, onto the street and down the hill. With the ma carrying the babby in her arms and roarin at me teh bring back them good shoes. The aul one was flying behind her, screaming, ‘Mind them heels! Don’t break me bleedin heels!’

  This was the best thing that ever happened teh me. The ma giving me a chase with the aul one roarin up behind her, and me gettin teh wear a pair of women’s high heels. I flew past a pack of aul fellas all sittin on the steps. I was clattering along like mad, hammerin the heels up and down on the concrete, tryin teh keep me balance. The aul fellas’ heads shot after me, roarin their heads laughin when they saw me in the shoes bigger then meself. Then the women whippin past trying teh catch me. Charlie was gettin a bounce up an down in the ma’s arms as she flew after me. He was screamin laughin, too.

  Yeah! Then I remember me ma and her friend going over to talk to the men. They were there for hours, until the aul ones who ran the women’s hostel came out and chased me ma and her friend back to the hostel. But I don’t remember seeing Jackser. I was too busy hoppin up and down on the steps. Not takin any notice until the aul ones came running out of the hostel to eat the head off me ma for talkin to the men. I still remember what the aul sister said. ‘Come away at once! You are not allowed to stand here engaging these men in conversation. Get back to the hostel this instant!’

  I remember staring up at the ma, as she shook Charlie in her arms, saying, ‘Ah, no, sister! I only wanted teh know the time because I have teh take the babby over teh the hospital teh get him looked at. Lookah! He’s not well at all.’

  I started pullin the babby’s leg and he roared his head laughing. ‘Ma, there’s nothin wrong wit our babby!’ I shouted, lookin up at her wit me mouth hangin open, wonderin why she was sayin tha. ‘Lookah, Ma! He’s laughin at me!’

  ‘Keep quiet, you! Fuckin big ears!’ the ma roared, losin the rag. Disappointed at her enjoyment getting cut short. Yeah, that was one of the few rare times she ever went for me. The ma used to be very gentle until she met that toerag!

  ‘This is your last warning!’ the sister roared. ‘You will all be barred from the hostel, if you do not come back at once.’

  I remember the ma takin us and runnin back in. Afraid of her life we might get locked out. But I knew she was disappointed, because she had been laughin and havin a great time with the men. God help her! Come to think about it now, she very seldom had much to laugh about. But them aul ones made short work of her little bit of enjoyment. They called themselves sisters. They were the Legion of Mary. Very holy aul ones altogether. They spent most of their time on the lookout for loose women. They even managed to get the prostitutes off the streets in the 1920s. Up around the Monto, it was called. Around Gloucester Street, and all round Corporation Street. Where I used to live. The Monto was famous in its day. I heard so many people talking about it. They even had a song about it. ‘Take her up to Monto! Monto!’ Yeah!

  So that’s why when me ma met him that night when we were walking through Church Street on our way back to the hostel, they stopped to talk, saying, ‘There yeh are again!’ It never really dawned on me. I was the one responsible for them clapping eyes on each other in the first place. So that was the beginning of their great bleedin romance! And the worse thing of all is that it’s all down to me! If I hadn’t robbed them high heels, they might have passed each other by in the church grounds, without saying a word to each other. He would never have told her he’d got himself a place and we could move in with him. Jaysus! I curse the day they met.

  No, if I walk down that way, I’d even end up in the Liberties. By crossing over the Halfpenny Bridge, then mosey along the quays, past Usher’s Island, then turn left, and head up into the Liberties. All me and the ma’s old haunts. Me heart really started to sink. God! What’s wrong with me at all? Why am I wanting to wander all around them places on Christmas Day? This is not the time for that. It would cause me no end of heartache. I would end up remembering, and wanting them times back when it was just me and the ma. We had nothing, but we did have each other. The really hard times started when poor Charlie came along. Then Nelly, me ma’s sister, had enough and took off to England, leaving me ma to get on with it. Yeah, you were right all along, Nelly. The ma was nothing but trouble, getting in with the likes of Jackser!

  Ah, bloody hell! I can feel the pain hitting me all over again. Wanting! Always wanting to get back to a time when . . . I was happy with the ma! When was that really? No, we didn’t feel happy. We were only happy when we had a few bob, or somewhere to stay. Most of the time we were tired. But I think we were happy. I must have been. Because I keep wanting them times back. Oh, God, please help me!

  I suddenly started feeling the tears spilling down me cheeks. I pulled the hat off me in frustration and started to scratch me head like mad. Wanting the terrible feeling of loss, and the pictures in me head of me and the ma, even walking the streets of the Liberties homeless, back a long time ago, in the old days . . . I want that longing to stop. It’s just me! There’s no ma. I want to enjoy meself. Now suddenly I feel like I’m completely alone in the world.

  ‘Fuck yeh, Martha! Why could yeh not keep yer fuckin mind on what’s goin on aroun yeh?’ I heard meself screaming inside me head. It was like I was a little child again. I could hear the voice of meself as a child. I’m never far away from that. Being the small child again, with the street kid way of going on and speaking. ‘That’s who I really am!’ the child screamed in me head.

  I will be respectable, though. It will all work out!
I’m only starting off in life. I need to be patient. I’ll make friends and have people around me, and have somewhere to go as well. Just like all the other people. I just need to be patient.

  OK, I’ll ring someone and wish them a happy Christmas. Who will I ring? I can ring Sister Eleanor. Me heart lifted straight away. Yeah! I started to root, searching me pockets for change. Sixpence! I came up with sixpence and took it out of me pocket. I wonder where I’ll get coppers for the phone? Then it hit me. Sister Eleanor would eat the head off you for ringing her on Christmas Day. It’s a time only for the nuns. They probably even have the phone switched off. Me heart sank at the picture of her getting very annoyed with me, because I disturbed her peace. She had enough of the children in the convent. She probably only managed to get rid of the last of them at the last minute. Like last year.

  No, forget that idea. Well, who else do you know? Clare! Yeah! No, she was nice to me . . . but I don’t belong. They have their own family. They don’t want strangers disturbing their peace. Yeah, leave her alone. OK, forget that. Just keep walking down towards the Liffey. See what might be happening.

  I walked across Mount Joy Square, and down the hill. Looking over at the Father Scully flats. Everywhere is locked up. There’s not a soul around. Jaysus! Where is everyone? The streets are empty. I was hoping for the crowds, and looking to see the style of people all dressed up. See what the fashions are.

  I stopped at the traffic lights, blinking red to green, with no one wanting them. I looked up Summerhill, then right, looking down Parnell Street. I could see onto o’Connell Street, with nothing happening except the odd car in the distance. Which way now? Will I go straight ahead, then turn right, up Sean MacDermot Street and onto o’Connell Street? Ah, Jaysus! I can’t make up me mind. I could always turn around and head back to the flat. No, that would be a bit of a let-down. I was looking forward to something happening. What? What’s eating at yeh? What are you looking for? People, someone to have a laugh with! All these dead streets are making me feel I’m on me own. But yeh are! Yeah, but I didn’t really think that. I’m always on the move, chatting and laughing no matter what I do or where I go. In the shop when I’m serving the people, or rushing to get ready to go out on me afternoon off. All excited after getting me bath and doing meself up in me good clothes. These ones! I looked down at them. Then I’m off to the pictures or in and out of the shops, looking at the latest fashions. Or going for a cup of frothy white coffee in Caffola’s. Watching the people going by. Fuck! Suddenly I’m all dressed up with nowhere to go. Jaysus! I definitely don’t like Christmas after this. I never did, up until I went to the convent and got people to go out with for the Christmas holidays.

  Hmm! I know what I’ll do. I’ll mosey on and turn up Talbot Street and see what’s happening on O’Connell Street, and head back to the flat that way. Then by the time I get back I’ll be in great form after me long walk. I can have me lovely dinner, me pork chop, and sausages and tomatoes and two . . . yeah two fried eggs. Then a couple of biscuits and hop into bed with me hot-water bottle and read me book and start on the box of chocolates. Smashing! I could feel me heart gladdening at the thought of all I had ahead of me.

  Right, here we are. I stared the length and breadth of O’Connell Street, really seeing the size of the road, for the first time, without any buses, cars or people. Only the odd straggler, like the man across the road, stopping to take a swig of the bottle of red biddy in his hand. Then making his way, staggering, with his head pointed straight ahead, looking like he wanted to get somewhere in a hurry. His head suddenly whipped over in my direction, seeing me looking at him. ‘Happy Christmas to yeh!’ he roared happily, waving the bottle over at me and stopping to take another swig, lorrying the drink down his neck. I laughed.

  ‘Happy Christmas to you, too,’ I shouted, thinking he’s rushing to get himself a bit of dinner somewhere. Probably down the quays to the Adam and Eve’s church. No, I don’t think they give out anything on Christmas Day. Suddenly, I shouted over without thinking, ‘Where are yeh going for your dinner?’

  ‘To the Mansion House. The Lord Mayor’s place.’ Then he roared laughing. ‘I don’t care if he’s there or not, so long as they give us out our Christmas dinner! By the look a you, yeh don’t need it. But if yer lookin, make yer way over there. They do give out a lovely dinner.’

  ‘Thanks. That’s good of yeh. But I’m grand. I’m on me way home.’

  ‘Right, I’ll keep movin. Enjoy yerself! Because if you don’t, no one else will do it for yeh!’ he said, rushing himself happily off in the direction of Dawson Street, going for the free Lord Mayor’s dinner.

  I wonder why he thought I might need a free dinner? I’m all dressed up! Does he think I might be homeless like himself? Gawd, I’d hate to think that. Maybe it’s because I asked him. Funny how people can read yeh! Mind, I’m like that meself. I can read people a mile away.

  Right, time to get moving back. I’m dying to get there now and have me dinner, then start on me book. This wandering around, going nowhere, would put years on you. I’m just getting lost in meself with nothing to do, or see. No wonder I’ve gotten meself into a state.

  I pulled the plug, letting the water out of the bath, and took off down to my room. Ah, that was a lovely hot bath, I thought, looking in the kitchen, seeing it all nice and clean after me Christmas dinner. I could still get the smell of the rashers and pork chop I had for my dinner. That was lovely and tasty. I managed to cook it lovely. I think I have the idea on how to cook now. You watch the frying pan like a hawk, and keep turning everything. But it still cooks too fast. Then comes out a bit dry. Wonder why that is? Still and all, it was lovely.

  I threw me washbag under the chair and climbed into bed, bringing me book and chocolates with me. oh, where’s me cigarettes? on the kitchen table. Ah, leave them. I can smoke in bed to me heart’s content. Who’s going to stop me? But it’s better to keep the air fresh in here where I’m sleeping. Now for the bit of comfort.

  I sat in, propping me head against the pillow, and sank back, hitting me head against the wall. Fuck! Me eyes peeled down to Molly’s bed. I leaped out, grabbing hers. She has two! I only have the one. All the better. I can put it back before she finds out. Now, here goes. At last.

  I opened the box of chocolates, dipping me hand in, and opened the first page of the book. Lovely! I couldn’t ask for more. No one’s having a better Christmas than me.

  I looked over towards the window, hearing shouting. People coming up the road roaring at each other. I listened. ‘Will yeh come on outa tha, for Christ’s sake?’ a fella was shouting at a woman. Ah, yeh can leave them to it, Martha. It takes Christmas to bring out the worst in some people. I took another chocolate, going back to me book, getting lost in the story.

  Iwas just heading out the door on me afternoon off. I’m not due back at work until three o’clock tomorrow afternoon. ‘Wait!’ Molly shouted, coming down the stairs after me. ‘You are to give me your hall-door key.’

  ‘What? You must be joking! I need that to get in.’

  ‘No, Mrs Murphy said I’m to take it off you.’

  ‘Why? What business is it of yours or Mrs Murphy’s?’

  ‘You are too young, at sixteen years of age, to have a hall-door key.’

  ‘No, you’re not getting it. I’m working here like the rest of youse. What I do after that is nobody’s business.’

  ‘Give me the key,’ she said, holding out her hand, glaring at me.

  ‘How will I get in then?’

  ‘It’s OK. I’ll let you in, or someone else will. There’s plenty of people around at night to open the door.’

  ‘So you will let me in when I come back?’

  ‘Yes,’ she said, looking like she meant it.

  ‘Do you promise?’

  ‘Providing you are not back later then eleven!’

  ‘Oh, that’s all right then. The last bus is at eleven anyway, so I’m always back before that.’ I handed her the key, looking at the lo
ss of it. She put it in the pocket of her blue work smock. I wore me ordinary clothes. I didn’t want to be reminded of wearing the working smock when I was in the convent.

  ‘Right, I’m off. Don’t forget to open the door for me tonight.’

  ‘Don’t be late!’ she shouted after me.

  ‘No, I’ll not be later then eleven o’clock.’

  I took off, heading down the road to catch the bus into town.

  I stepped off the bus and walked back to stand at the traffic lights on O’Connell Street, waiting to cross the road. Right, where will I go today? I’ll go up to Clerys and wander around the shop, maybe I’ll start buying meself a bit of make-up. I could buy some of that liquid eyeliner I see them all wearing. But it’s hard to put on, trying to get a straight line without getting it all over your eyes, and ending up looking like someone gave yeh a black eye. That’s no trouble, I can practise in me spare time before I wear it out. Great! I can even get some mascara to go with it. It will make me eyelashes look like brushes.

  The lights changed, letting us get across. On second thoughts, I’ll head down Aston Quay, and go around by the seaman’s mission and get meself a plate of chips in the café down the road. I might even get a big ray! Yeah, fish and chips first. Lovely!

  I took off, passing the big newsagent’s on the quays, when me eyes lit on two little young fellas and I whipped me head back staring at them. I couldn’t believe me eyes. There they were, mooching around the shop. ‘TEDDY! HARRY! What are youse doing here?’