Ma, It's a Cold Aul Night an I'm Lookin for a Bed

by Martha Long

  ‘Don’t talk rubbish. You have us now. Let’s get going,’ she said, laughing and grabbing me arm. Taking off down the road again.

  ‘Listen, Martha. Wait until you hear this! We have just gotten a flat for three. But there’s five of us and the landlady is very old.’

  ‘Yeah, and deaf,’ laughed Anna.

  ‘Yeah, and half-blind,’ Laura sniffed, rolling her eyes over to us and stretching her face. Looking like it was the end of the world. ‘So she won’t notice two more of us,’ Laura breathed, talking in one breath.Then throwing her neck back, screaming her head off with the laughing. Swinging herself and me, bouncing us against each other. Making her lovely blonde hair flop like mad around her shoulders, and her eyes danced in her head, shining with the devilment. Then stopping to look at me, staring into me eyes. ‘The landlady lives downstairs, we have two huge rooms upstairs. One bedroom with three beds, and a big sitting room. You should see the size of it, Martha! It’s only massive!’ she said, holding out her arms to show me.

  ‘Really? If it’s that big,’ I said, thinking, ‘you could nip down to the convent while Sister Eleanor is away and borrow the new record player I heard they got for Christmas. You could hold a dance in the sitting room and charge people to get in.’

  ‘Are you serious?’ they laughed. Staring at me with their eyes hanging out of their head.

  ‘Yeah! Why not?’ I laughed. Getting the picture of us flying down the avenue with the record player under our arms, and the young ones screaming their heads off, tearing down after us. ‘We all need the money!’ I said, looking serious, beginning to think it was a good idea.

  ‘Yeah!’ Laura said, looking like she, too, was thinking that it could be a good idea.

  Anna stared at us with her mouth open and suddenly let out a roar. ‘Would you two stop talking rubbish! The pair of you are out of your minds. Sure the landlady lives under the place and we would be kicked out so fast we’d all end up on the streets before we know where we are. Come on! You better behave yourself, Martha Long. Don’t go putting mad ideas into Laura’s head here. That one is worse than you. She’s always getting us into trouble. We lost the last job because of her!’ snorted Anna. Walking off ahead of us. ‘Hurry,’ she said, looking back at us. ‘It’s over in Harold’s Cross. Come on! We’ll get the bus.’

  ‘You can take Harriet Miller’s place, she’s not coming until Saturday morning. So you should be OK until then,’ Laura said, sitting beside me on the bus.

  ‘Right! By then I should have found another job with living-in,’ I said. Feeling very happy with me good fortune at meeting Laura and Anna.

  ‘Right, girls. This is our stop,’ Anna said, standing up and walking down to the platform, waiting for the bus to stop. We jumped off and I followed behind.

  ‘We’re here! This is the house. Now shush! Don’t make any noise,’ Laura said, going up the stone steps to a big house and putting the key into a heavy green door. The paint was peeling off the door and the windows looked like they were ready to fall out, the wood was that rotten. Laura watched me face, seeing I wasn’t thinking much of the place as I looked around, taking everything in. Then I clapped eyes on a huge rat as big as a cat, diving out from under a pile of rubbish sitting under the basement window.

  Ah, Jaysus! This place reminds me of the old tenements we used to live in. Me and the ma and Charlie.’

  ‘It’s very handy for the bus. We just have to cross over to the other side of the road, and it gets us into town in no time,’ Laura whispered.

  ‘Shush, say nothing. The landlady is probably looking up from the basement,’ Anna said, pointing down the steps.

  We walked into a long hall, with the floorboards giving out from under us. Three cats came crawling up the basement stairs, crying, and looking like they might spring at us any minute. ‘I’m afraid of cats . . . and dogs, girls,’ I whispered, not taking me eyes off the cats.

  ‘I don’t believe it. Martha Long is actually afraid of something,’ giggled Laura, creeping up the stairs. I followed up behind them and stopped on a landing. Waiting for them to open the door into the flat. ‘“Come into my parlour,” said the spider to the fly,’ moaned Laura, making a face, then laughing at us.

  ‘Gawd! It’s like a ballroom,’ I said, looking around at the size of the big room. It had no furniture, and was a bit dark. The window looked out to the back garden, and it was overgrown with bushes going in all directions, growing into each other. I looked over at the big grey marble fireplace, and the two armchairs each side with the long aul couch in the middle. The place looked very bare, and when we walked on the floorboards they sprang up and down, giving me the feeling I was going to start flying through the air. Landing meself splattered in the room underneath. The noise we made echoed around the room. I looked at the wallpaper, seeing it was very old and faded. It’s nearly brown, but I could see it had been red once, with little flowers in it that had faded away to nothing.

  ‘This is grand. At least you all have a roof over your heads,’

  I said. Following them into the big bedroom. I looked around at three battered old wooden beds. With a press built into two alcoves, one each end of the room, with two beds in the middle and one just inside the door. ‘Where will I sleep, Laura?’ I asked, wondering how five people were going to fit into three big single beds.

  ‘You can have that one behind the door. We’ll double up with Linda and Tricia.’

  ‘Great!’ I said happily. Shoving me case under the bed without opening it. Feeling delighted at getting a bed to meself. I didn’t fancy sharing with anyone! ‘How much rent a week are you paying for this, girls?’ I asked.

  ‘Seven pounds ten shillings a week!’

  ‘Jaysus! That’s very dear altogether.’

  ‘Yeah, that’s why we need five of us. Three of us on our own couldn’t manage the rent!’

  ‘Yeah, you’re right,’ I said. Thinking I would never have a chance on me own. I’m really surprised they let me stay with them. The convent girls are not too fond of me normally. I suppose everyone has changed, now we’re all out on our own.

  I sat down on the steps of the Liffey, looking down at the water. ‘Ah, no! Don’t jump! Whatever it is, it’s not worth it!’ an aul fella carrying a load of paper bags and weighed down with a mound of coats roared down the steps at me.

  I jumped. Nearly falling with the fright. ‘Ah, help, Mammy!’ I moaned, looking down at the water, not realising I was only two steps away from falling in. ‘Bleedin hell, mister! You nearly put the heart crossways in me,’ I said, jumping up with the fright and making me way up the steps away from the Liffey. ‘Jaysus! You shouldn’t shout like that. I nearly ended up in the drink. That’s if I didn’t first lay plastered to the ground, stone dead,’ I said, holding me hand on me chest. ‘I’m afraid of me life of water! I can’t swim!’ I moaned, staring at him. With me heart rattling in me chest.

  ‘Well, then, that’s no place teh be sittin there! Wha ails yeh?’

  ‘Who says there’s anything ailing me?’ I said. Looking into the face of the down-and-out I robbed all the food for when I was in the convent.

  ‘God almighty! It’s yerself! The very lovely little angel that gave me the pile a grub when the stomach was hanging outa me for the want a something teh eat! I never forgot yeh, yeh know! I lit a candle for you down in the Adam and Eve’s Church the very next day.’

  I felt a lovely heat flying around me, and me chest lift with the happiness of having someone think that much of me. But all I could say was, ‘Thanks, mister,’ I whispered, looking inta his lovely faded blue eyes that looked really tired and worn out. They must have been sky blue at one time. He stared back at me, straight into me eyes, leaning his head forward. Wondering what was the matter with me, like he could sense all wasn’t well with me.

  ‘Go on, chicken! Yeh can tell me whatever is going on in yer mind,’ he whispered, looking like he really was worried about me. I could feel meself near to tears. That he remembered me, an
d he wanted to help me. I couldn’t bring meself to say what was on me mind. ‘Well, would yeh credit tha now? Imagine meeting you after all this time,’ he said, trying to get us talking.

  ‘Ah, I’m delighted to see you, too,’ I said. Getting me voice back. Then looking down, seeing his feet was all black and blue and swollen badly from the walking and the frost. ‘How’s the feet?’ I said, staring down at them. The top of the boots was burst in all directions, and he had the bit of leather that was left, tied on with string.

  ‘Ah, Jaysus, child! Don’t be askin. I’m wonderin how long more it is before I won’t be able teh get one foot in front a the other!’

  ‘Listen! Why don’t you take yourself up to Jervis Street Hospital? You need to get them feet seen to!’

  Ah, I have no time for hospitals. Sure all they’ll do is put a bit of ointment on them, maybe throw on a bandage, then I won’t be able teh walk at all!’

  ‘Well, will we go and find out? I’ll come with you. I’m doing nothing. I’ve given up for the day, everything is closing up now. I’m trying to find work and I’m having no luck! So I might as well get something good out of the day. Come on! Sure it’s not far. I’ll take you over.’

  Ah, I won’t, angel. Let me sit down over here on this bench and get the weight offa me feet.’ I followed him over to the bench on the other side of the street. Watching him swing from side to side, trying to balance the pain in his feet. With his paper bags swinging out behind him. ‘So, wha has yeh down these parts?’ he said, settling himself on the bench and putting his bags on the other side, making room for me to sit down.

  ‘I’ve left the convent,’ I said. Seeing him give me all his attention, really looking like he wanted to know. ‘I lost the job working in a shop. They threw me out. Because I wasn’t what they were looking for. I’ve been searching the papers and walking the streets, hoping to find something. But nothing’s turned up. I need a job living-in. Cleaning, and minding children, something like that. I can’t live-out because the wages are too low, and I haven’t any experience to get a better-paid job. Well, enough anyway to afford a bedsitter.’

  He scratched his neck and stared at the ground, shaking his head, looking very sad. ‘God, chicken! Have yeh no one teh go to?’

  ‘No, I don’t know anyone.’

  ‘Wha about friends? Have yeh anyone there?’

  ‘No, I talk to people. I enjoy a bit of company,’ I said, looking at him. ‘But I haven’t really got a friend.’ I said, thinking about that. Wondering why that was.

  ‘You know, I was in the same boat as yerself many, many years ago now. God, that’s going back,’ he said. With his eyes beginning to look far-away. ‘Yes, indeed I was,’ he muttered quietly, his eyes searching the ground, like he was trying to find an answer to something. ‘It was back in the 1920s. I came down this very road,’ he said, lifting his head and pointing back up the quays. ‘Heading for the mailboat to England, I was. I had just arrived up from Connemara, the arsehole of nowhere! Oh, a godforsaken place,’ he said, shaking his head, looking down at the ground. ‘It was so barren, even Jesus Christ himself wouldn’t touch the place. God forgive me,’ he said, blessing himself. ‘It was the day I turned sixteen. I arrived in a grey-hair suit. With me head shaved and a pound note in me pocket. I had a ticket for the boat teh Liverpool an the train to take me teh London, an a letter in me pocket with the last known address of me mother. After leaving Letterfrack, I was. The worst hell-hole that man could invent. Like animals we were treated. Not innocent childre. A dumping ground for all the sins an the dirt this bloody hypocritical people wanted teh hide away. Dirt! An the sins of our mothers! That’s wha we were classed as. That’s wha them bastards the brothers called us. It was run by vicious bog ignorant lunatics. Fellas tha came in off the land. The only notion on how teh act was wha they learned from watchin the animals in the farmyard. Devils spawned from hell, them Christian brothers were. Kids died like flies in that place. It was from the cold an all the beatings. Some childre were too weak. Run down from all the hardship, an the lack a proper nourishment. They just upped an died. That’s one way teh escape, I suppose,’ he said, looking like this idea had just occurred to him this minute.

  I stared at him. Seeing him completely lost in himself. He was gone from me. Forgetting I was sitting here listening to him. He stared at the ground, with his face creased up in terrible pain. Remembering that time all them years ago. I said nothing. Just waited. Letting him have his thoughts. Then he shifted himself, moving his hands folded across his knees, and lifted his head slightly to me.

  ‘Well, there I was, after stepping off the train an arriving here in Dublin. Jaysus! There wasn’t much of it teh be seen. The whole place was bombed teh nothing. Fallin down around the ears of people, it was. Yeh see, there had been a civil war. That’s what a man told me. When I went lookin for somethin teh eat. “Where’s the nearest eatin house?” I asked him. We got talkin, an that was all the first I’d ever heard about any war goin on in Ireland. A nice aul Dublin man, he was. But deh yeh know what he said teh me?’

  ‘No,’ I said, looking at him lifting his head, watching me. Waiting to see what I thought about what he was going to tell me next.

  ‘Well, tha Dublin man stood there lookin me up an down. From me shaved head down to me big black cob-nailed boots. Then, after a minute, sez he teh me, “Do yeh mind me askin, but are you just after bein let out a one a them reformatory places in the country?” Jaysus! I was quarely gobsmacked, I can tell you that!’

  ‘Yeah, it was the way you were dressed,’ I said. We could tell by them straight away. A young fella who was just let out of a reformatory. It was the shaved head and the suit and the boots. ‘I know of that place, mister! I knew loads of young fellas who were locked up there.’

  ‘Indeed you do. Most of the young fellas were from Dublin, mainly bunged in for robbin, God help them. But I was put there as a bastard. Me mother had put me there. She had teh. Then she took off for England. Deh yeh know, I went and tracked her down. I moved the length an breadth a England on her trail. I kept meself goin by workin on buildin an farm labourin an anythin I could get teh keep body and soul together. Sometimes sleepin rough. A lot of times sleepin in barns on the hay. The aul farmer would let me after givin him a day’s work. Plus me bit a grub. Then eventually I found her. It took me seven year. She was be then livin in Norfolk. On the sea. It was the sorriest day I ever did. She wanted nothin teh do wit me, I was the past for her. From tha day on, I felt there was nothin left for me. The thought a findin her an makin everythin right. I thought everythin would fall inta place. Then I would be happy. All I had teh do was find me mother. Now tha was left me. I had nothin left teh search for. I turned me back on the world. I was never the same. I only wanted me own company. An tha’s the way it’s been ever since. I just kept movin. Never stoppin in the one place too long.’

  ‘So you never settled down, got married and had children?’ I whispered. Me heart breaking for him.

  ‘No, angel, I did not.’

  ‘Was it brutal for yeh?’ I whispered.

  ‘Brutal!’ he muttered, lowering his head gently, and closing his eyes.

  ‘I think I know what them Christian brothers were like,’ I muttered, thinking of Jackser. ‘But it didn’t make you vicious?’ I said, looking inta his sad and gentle eyes.

  ‘No!’ was all he said.

  We sat in silence watching it get darker, and colder. I didn’t want to move. I felt warm, sitting with the old man. We understood each other. I knew he cared, and I felt his pain. It was nice to feel I wasn’t alone. Yeah, he knows I understand him, too.

  ‘I only sat on the steps down there to get away for a while,’ I said quietly, looking at him.

  ‘From people?’ he said.

  ‘Yeah!’ I smiled. ‘I just wanted to be by meself and think. Everyone seems to be rushing somewhere, having somewhere to go, or someone waiting on them. I wanted to stop seeing that for a little while,’ I whispered. Seeing him shake
his head, knowing what I was on about.

  ‘Where will you sleep tonight?’ I asked him.

  ‘Oh, I’ll head over to the Back Lane Hostel over in the Liberties, or maybe down to the Ivy Hostel. One or the other will do me! That area is me usual haunt.’

  ‘Yeah, that’s where I come from,’ I said. ‘I was born in the Liberties.’

  ‘A very noble, honourable people, the Liberty people,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘That’s where you get yer lovely manner from. All the Liberty people have that special way. There’s a certain noble way in their character you won’t find anywhere else!’

  I listened, feeling delighted, and warm inside meself. ‘Yeah, they are very kind people,’ I said. Remembering how good they were to me when I was a little child.

  Angel, I want you to mind yourself. Trust no one! At least not until they prove to you they can be trusted. I’ll be lookin out for yeh. I’m goin teh be keepin yeh in me prayers when I do be goin inta the church teh say the odd prayer. Now, more importantly, get in outa the rain,’ he laughed, showing his black teeth. I didn’t mind. He has a lovely smile anyway. It lit up his lovely blue eyes. ‘Go on,’ he said, shifting himself, trying to get to his feet. ‘You better get movin before the night settles in. Where are yeh headin now?’ he said, looking at me.

  ‘I’m staying in a flat for now. With some girls from the convent. Listen, mister,’ I said, putting me hand on his arm, ‘I’m feeling a lot better now, after sitting with you. Thanks very much, for being so good to me,’ I said, smiling at him. Feeling warmer in meself. ‘And did you want to know something else?’ I said, feeling shy at saying this. But I wanted to. ‘I love the way you call me “angel” It . . . makes me feel special somehow,’ I said. Feeling really embarrassed.

  He stared at me for a minute, taking in what I said. Then he took me arm, laying his thick black hand caked with the dirt ever so gently on me hand, letting it sit there. I stared at it. Seeing how thick and swollen it was. But I could feel the strength and the gentleness of him coming through in that hand. ‘Listen, chicken. You are an angel. I saw that the first time I looked inta yer face. Even without the grub, I knew you were one in a million. I’ve come across a lot of people in me time. Some were good, and some were very bad. Then again, I’ve met some real saints. But you have the soul of an angel. You’re very special,’ he whispered, leaning into me. ‘Another thing I’m goin teh tell yeh. I don’t waste me time talkin teh people in any depth. In fact, I have very little teh do with people if I can help it. So now yeh know! Tha makes you even more special. Now! Let’s get goin outa this cold before we all catch our death. I think now is a good time to be makin tracks. So I’ll make me way back over to the Liberties. Which way are you goin?’