Ma, It's a Cold Aul Night an I'm Lookin for a Bed

by Martha Long

  ‘No, no, I swear on my mamma’s grave. I kill you, if you don’t give my keys.’ His face was now green.

  ‘Right, here you are,’ I said, throwing back me hand, sending the keys flying through the air, landing them somewhere next to the nosy sheep making their way over, looking up to see what all the fuss was about. Oh, the sheep are back! They had taken off, running for their lives when all the shouting started again.

  He whirled his head, trying to spot the keys landing. Then dived at me, then changed his mind, taking off instead. Galloping after the spot where he thinks the keys landed. Screaming like a banshee he would kill me. Well, it sounds like that to me, because he’s roaring in Italian.

  I watched him throwing himself on his knees, tearing like mad at the weeds, trying to find the keys. So, the little skinny runt! He thought I was going to be an easy mark. Well, that’s the end of him and me! I better tell the mamma not to start preparing the wedding. It looks like we won’t be getting married after all. Fucking mad bastardin Italians.

  I decided to make me own way back, and headed off down the long narrow road, with nothing on either side but bushes and fields and sheep. Jaysus! I hope I find me way back before that lunatic gets his hands on me. It’s going to be a long walk back.

  I must have walked for fucking miles, I thought, looking at the trees coming up beside me as I headed into a forest. Feeling happy now to leave the open desolation of the bogs behind me. Then I heard a droning noise in the distance. I stopped to listen, hearing it coming from back up the mountain. I could see the dust flying up behind the speck of a car, as I craned me eyes into the distance. It weaved its way through the narrow roads, bombing down the mountain, leaving a trail of dust flying into the air.

  That looks like fuck face! Wonder if I should try to get a lift from him? The thought only hit me for a second. Not on yer nelly! I’m killed stone dead if he gets his hands on me. I flew, making for the trees, planting meself behind a huge thick one, waiting for the car to get close. Here it comes. It tore around a bend and came flying down the straight bit of road and thundered into the forest. I held me breath, watching as it flew past, sending out the smell of burning rubber. It looked like there was smoke coming out of the tyres as they tore over loose stones, flying them into the air. The car vanished for a minute, getting lost in the smoke coming out of the exhaust pipe.

  Fuck! The speed a him, I thought. Getting a flash of him gripping the steering wheel, looking like he had murder on his mind. From now on I better watch meself with him. He’s going to be out to get me. No, I’m not turning me back on him. Definitely not.

  I took off, hoping I would make it back in time for work. It doesn’t look like it now. Not at the distance I’m covering.

  The curse a Jaysus on that bastard anyway! Ah, shut up, Martha! What did yeh think he was after? Hmm! Still an all. I thought I might strike lucky and end up having a lovely time, after he maybe taking me for a drive around the place. Then going for a coffee into town or something. That he might have been nice to me, driving nice and quiet, with the two of us having a lovely chat. No, there’s nothing for nothing. There’s always a price to pay for everything. Still, not everyone is as bad as that little weasel. Look at all the girls that get themself nice fellas! Ah, to hell with it! I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend anyway.

  OK, I better get a move on. Jaysus! I wonder what time it is? The aul one will kill me if I’m late. I started to really hurry. Running slowly through the forest. Right, nearly getting somewhere, I thought. Staring through the trees, seeing the light in the distance. But I was still walking half an hour later. ‘That’s what it feels like. How much time has really gone past?’ I muttered, stopping to listen to the silence around me. I’m still no further on. It feels like I have been on this bleedin path before. I hope I’m not going around in circles. I stared at the ground, not wanting to break me neck over something, and I could feel the fear creeping up through me, seeing I was beginning to lose the light. I kept going, dragging me legs, feeling like they were two iron bars.

  Bastards! I hate men. All they ever want to do is get their hands on you. Pity I didn’t let that fucking car run over yer man and bleedin bury him in the mountains, like he threatened to do to me. I could feel meself beginning to cry with tiredness and the exhaustion of walking all day. I’m fucking starving, and freezing with the cold. No, he better watch out for me. I’ll shove his ugly fucking face in that deep-fat fryer when I get me hands on him. ‘AHHHH!’ I threw back me head and screamed with the rage. ‘Yer a stupid bastard!’ Then I let out me breath and dropped me shoulders and carried on. Hearing me screams still echoing around the forest.

  Then, suddenly, a clearing opened up in front of me, and I was back on the road again. ‘I’M OUT! YEAH, YIPPEE!’ At last. I made it! Me heart gladdened at the sight of the road running down the mountain, leading me back into Hangman’s Wood. I’ll be so happy to see people again. Get back at last to the café and eat a load of lovely grub. Oh, I can’t wait. I’m definitely going to get to bed early. As soon as I finish work.

  I stopped and took one last look back at the woods behind me, seeing how dark it got. I gave a shiver, thinking I could have been lost in there for the whole night. I moved on quickly, wanting to make tracks and get down the mountain as quickly as possible. I’m not out of trouble yet. I could still get stranded up here with all them fields around me, not knowing where I’m going in the dark.

  I walked on, feeling the tar road jar up through me as I dragged me feet, lifting one foot after the other. Letting them fall back down again, feeling bone weary, like I’ll never move again after this. The light kept fading very fast, and I was staring with me eyes wide open trying to see everything in the half-dark. ‘Oh, God! I don’t like where I’ve landed meself now. It’s too quiet,’ I muttered in a whisper to meself. I walked along the narrow road and kept looking up at the high stone walls. It feels like they are closing in on me and I’m afraid I’ll run into something around the next bend. You never know what’s waiting in hiding for you in this bleedin dark. Now it’s all big trees and hedges. I stared up at the high hedges with big trees growing behind them. I could hear the wind blowing through them, making it sound like they were whispering in the dark and trying to reach out and grab me.

  At last! I finally made it down the hill, leaving the dark road behind me, and came out onto a wide open road, and stopped for a minute to get me breath. I looked down the rest of the mountain at the city below. Seeing the lights twinkling in the distance. It really looks lovely from this height. Standing up here on this dark hill, with me breath turning to frost and the silence all around me. It feels like time is standing still. I could be without a worry in the world. Just standing looking at all the lights beginning to flicker on.

  ‘Right, now I know I’m nearly there,’ I puffed. The tiredness beginning to make me legs and back burn with the pain now seemed easier. I took off down the hill, half-running with the thought I’ll soon get there. Then I heard a car coming up behind me. It slowed down as it went past me, then stopped. The driver said something to the elderly woman sitting beside him and the two of them stared out the back window at me.

  I hesitated, seeing an old man and woman. They’re OK. Maybe they want to give me a lift. I rushed up and the woman opened the window, rolling it down. ‘Excuse me! I wonder would you mind please giving me a lift down to the village? I need to get there in a hurry!’

  ‘Yes, of course, dear. What on earth are you doing at this time in the evening walking around up here?’ she said, clucking her tongue.

  ‘Hop in the back,’ said the man, looking at me then looking in shock at the wife. ‘Do you know anything can happen to you wandering around up here on your own?’ said the old man, looking back at me and shaking his head like he never saw the like of it before in his life. ‘Young ones have no sense.’

  ‘No,’ said the wife. ‘The older they get, the worse they get. You nearly have to watch them twenty-four hours a day! What brought y
ou up here?’ said the woman, staring at me like I was her granddaughter and I better have a good excuse.

  I just stared at her. Shaking me head, saying, ‘I thought it was a good idea at the time.’

  ‘Did you get lost?’ the old man asked me, not taking his eyes off the road.

  ‘Yeah, yeah, I did,’ I said. Turning me head and looking back up the mountain at the trees, seeing it was really pitch black now. Jaysus! I just made it down in time, I thought. Letting meself fall back into the seat, wriggling and settling meself for more comfort. oh, this is great. Here I am in out of the cold and getting a rest at last. I let me head fall back on the cushioned leather seat and stared out at more hedges and trees slowly going past. While this time all I had to do was just sit here feeling happy to be safe and sound, sitting in the back of the car with these really kind people, knowing they would do me no harm.

  I closed me eyes, feeling a lovely sense of peace settle inside me as I listened to them muttering away contentedly to each other. The heat hummed out of the fan and washed over me, melting away the icy cold in me bones from being all day out in the frosty mountain. I felt meself beginning to doze off, with the seat gently rocking me. The rhythmic noise from the wheels of the car under me was eating up the road, and all I had to do was sit here, and I would be taken to where I’m going. Gawd, cars are really marvellous things for getting you where you want. Especially if you’re in the right company, and you know you’ll be safe and sound when you get there. With nobody looking for payment, like that mad bastard.

  I stirred meself, seeing I was back at last. ‘Will you just leave me off down at the shops?’ I said, leaning across the seat and pointing at the shops ahead. ‘Thank you very much for your kindness,’ I smiled, feeling very grateful to them. I could see we were nearly passing them by.

  ‘We can drop you home,’ said the old lady, turning to me.

  ‘No, this is it. The shops will be fine, thanks.’ The old man pulled over and stopped the car.

  ‘Don’t stay out too late now!’ the old woman said. Staring at me and looking at the chip shop with all the young ones and young fellas hanging around outside.

  ‘No, no, I won’t. I really am very grateful to the two of you! I’ll say a little prayer for you before I go to bed tonight,’ I said, staring in at the two of them with their heads nearly together, looking out at me.

  ‘Yes! Good girl. You do that,’ said the old woman, smiling at me. The man nodded his head up and down, agreeing with his wife, then he took off, driving slowly up the road.

  I looked over at the shop, seeing the lights blazing inside, with people sitting in the café, eating and drinking. With more people standing around the counter, waiting to be served. The bright lights from the café were throwing shadows on the footpath, lighting up the darkness outside. My God! It’s pitch black out! It really is dark now, so that means it must be very late. I wonder what time it is? Oh, dear God! I’m dead late. I hope I’m not in big trouble.

  Me heart started to hammer like mad in me chest at the thought of facing into the aul one because I knew I was late. Even worse, Touchy will be there! Fuck him! I’ll brain him, if he gives me any more hardship!

  I took in a deep breath and made for the shop. The aul fella saw me coming and rushed inside to the family kitchen. I clapped eyes on Touchy. Wearing his dirty white apron, over his old clothes. He stopped what he was doing, and held onto a basket of chips and watched me coming in the door. I said nothing, just stared back, watching him shake his head up and down, with his eyes half-closing, squinting at me like I was in for it now. Looking like he had been waiting for me. His face was white and the side of his jaw was swollen. I took in another deep breath and pushed past him, keeping me eyes steady, showing him I was ready for him. No, fuck face. I’m not afraid of a little squirt like you, I thought.

  I was just heading through the door and up the stairs to get changed into me old clothes when I hear roars behind me. ‘Momento! You wait! I wanta talk to you!’ the mamma shouted, grabbing her frock and holding onto the banisters, puffing her way up the stairs after me. Trying to get up in a hurry. ‘I am going to tell you to leave,’ she snorted, dragging herself into the room and holding her chest, trying to get her breath back. I looked at her, not able to take in what she was saying. ‘You go. Out of here. I no want trouble.’

  ‘Why? What did I do?’ I said, wondering what was wrong with her. I hadn’t done anything wrong on her, I thought, staring at her. Trying to figure out why she was turning on me.

  ‘You come back here late,’ she said, holding up her hand and slapping her fingers one by one. ‘You go gallivanting with the boys. No nice girl do that in my family. What you do is your business.’

  ‘But I only went for a drive with Alfonso,’ I said. Still not able to take in what was happening.

  ‘No, no, I don’t want to hear! It is not good, what you did.’

  ‘What did I do?’ I shouted, losing the rag.

  ‘You upset Alfonso. His face. What did you do to him? He is a nice boy!’

  ‘The bastard attacked me!’ I shouted. She stared at me for a minute. Knowing full well what I was talking about.

  I held me breath, waiting for her to say something. Hoping she might say, ‘Well, you have learned your lesson. Don’t go off in cars with men again. OK, go to work! Alfonso got what he deserved. Maybe he won’t be so quick to mess with girls again. Now, don’t give me any more trouble.’

  I waited. Me chest getting tighter. Please, God, don’t let me lose me job. Then I heard her say . . . I lost the first few words, not able to take them in. I listened, while they flew around the room. Then I caught up with the words. ‘Well, I am not having this in my home. First thing in the morning, I want you out of here. First thing!’ she shouted, rushing her big fat body across the floorboards, making them thump and rock up and down. Then she was gone. Out the door and down the stairs. I heard her rush into the family kitchen and start shouting. Then it died away as she slammed the door shut.

  I stood stock still. Hearing no more sounds. I was left with the sound of my breathing, and the feeling of pain as my heart hammered away in me chest. Not believing what just happened. I turned slowly around the room, taking in the wardrobe, the two beds against the wall, the curtains pulled closed. No one ever opens them, I thought. Then I stared down at my suitcase, thinking that’s the only thing that ever stays with me. Everything else comes and goes. But it’s just me and me suitcase! I felt somehow I had something that belonged to me. Me suitcase, carrying all me things. They belong to me. I have something that belongs to me. I’m not on me own really. I’m not down and out. No, a suitcase means I’m going somewhere.

  Jaysus! I’m on the move again. Ah, well, it was nice while it lasted. I even picked up a bit of Italian. ‘Fungolase!’ ‘Basta!’ Fuck off, and stop! That should come in handy.

  I woke up, seeing the light make its way in through the curtains. I looked around the room, hearing the sounds of snoring. Everyone was still fast asleep. They won’t get up until later. I looked over, seeing Rosa plastered over the whole double bed. Lying on her back with her mouth wide open, huge snores blasting out of her mouth.

  Maria is not there. She must be gone to school. Must be later then I thought. I better get up and get moving.

  I moved gently, not wanting to wake Mary. Scrunched up in a ball with her hands in a fist, and her head pushed into the wall. She’s out for the count. Poor Mary! God love her. I wonder if she will ever get to be happy? I think she’s carrying the worry of all her little brothers and sisters. I worry like that meself. But the ma and Jackser is holding onta them! Jaysus! Don’t start, Martha. You have enough to worry you at the minute, to start finding another job. The kids will take off one by one, just like I did. Charlie has already done that, by the sound of things. Yeah, a hard life is about waiting. Just waiting for the time to come when yeh can start leading your own life. Well, that’s what I’m able to do.

  Pity I can’t manage to stay in the on
e job, though. Whatever it is about me, no matter how hard I try. I even tell meself I’m going to be good. But I always end up getting into fights, losing me job. Getting bloody fired! How does that happen? I can’t understand it. Other people . . . like Mary. She keeps quiet and nobody bothers her! Hmm, maybe I’m just not the quiet type! Some people say they can hear me before they see me. Fuck! Pity I’m not the quiet type! Even the ma’s very quiet! No, thank God I’m not quiet after all! Look what kept happening to her! Right! I’m grand as I am. People can take me or leave me. Right, better get moving.

  I grabbed me washbag from the end of the wardrobe, pushing all the others’ stuff piled on top out of the way. Jaysus! There was never any room for anything here anyway. I had to keep all me stuff in me suitcase. I hurried out to the bathroom, and brushed me teeth and washed me face. Then combed me hair. No bath this morning. The water wouldn’t be hot enough. Right, better get dressed. Yeah. And collect me wages from Saturday. That aul one owes me for one day. I wonder how much that is?

  I came out of the bathroom and down onto me own landing, hearing the snores coming from the fellas’ room. They’re all still asleep in there. Then I had an idea. I turned the handle of their door quietly, making sure not to make it squeak. The door opened a little and I put me head in. Jaysus! Look at the state a the lot of them. They’re filthy! The smell is disgusting. Rubber man, the fella that peels the potatoes and wears the rubber apron and Russian boots, was draped over Francesco. With his arm covering his head.

  Francesco was breathing fast, trying to get air, because he was caught under rubber boots, with the blanket over his face and the big hand holding him down. Me eyes peeled to the single bed, with Touchy lying on his side, curled up in a ball, and the blankets wrapped up all around him. The only thing sticking out was his nose. Me eyes peeled all along the floor, then lit on Alfonso’s clothes sitting in a heap, lying on the floor beside his bed where he’d dumped them last night. Fucker! You caused all the trouble! I even think you are too thick to get the message why you ended getting your teeth knocked out. I could feel me annoyance rising up again. Right!