Ma, It's a Cold Aul Night an I'm Lookin for a Bed

by Martha Long

  That last job proved I was right all along. When aul ones hear you came out of a convent, they try to make an eejit outa you. They think you don’t know any better and they can do what they like with you because they know you have no one to back you up. No, I’m just going to have to get me own jobs from now on and not say a word about ever being in a convent. That’s too dangerous. That aul one and aul fella tonight tried to pull the wool over me eyes by threatening to get the police for me when I tried to leave. Another young one might have been frightened outa her life, but not me. I’m well-used to the police. God knows, I was in enough trouble with them, not to mention I know the law. You can’t get someone arrested for destroying their washing. On the other hand, that bastard the husband was on the right track with his I’m-making-threatening- behaviour. Yeah, they would listen to them saying that all right! They would question me, hear I’m from a convent, know I haven’t a hope in hell of having any comeback at them. They could even take me down to the station and make life difficult for me. Keep me there for hours. Maybe even ring the nuns saying I was in trouble. Or even charge me with threatening people. Them bastards could say what they like and be believed. He’s a civil servant and she’s a school teacher. Decent, respectable and law-abiding citizens . . . how are yeh? Respectable, me bleedin eye!

  No, you don’t have to do anything to get into trouble. Just not come from a respectable background or just be let out of a convent! They know you have no one behind you. That’s all it takes.

  Right, I was lucky to escape them. It won’t happen again. No more nuns! But I better watch meself. That was a warning. It is too easy for me to land in a trap at the minute. I’m still only sixteen. The world still thinks I am an easy mark. So, I better keep wide awake from now on.

  I must have dozed off without realising. Me head shot up from the table with the noise around me. I had fallen asleep, plastered on the table with me head lying on me arms. I stared into the face of a fella with dirty black greasy hair, slicked back with olive oil. A woman with long black wavy thin hair was sitting next to him. ‘Were yeh asleep?’ he grinned, staring at me with shifty, sleevin little grey eyes that reminded me of a ferret watching me every move. I shot up in the seat, sitting up straight, and shook me head, trying to get me senses back. ‘What happened to yeh? Yeh look worn out! Have yeh no place teh stay?’ he said, flicking his head over to me suitcase, taking in I’m on the move.

  I shook me head slightly, muttering, ‘I’m fine,’ then looked away, not wanting to make any conversation with him.

  ‘Listen, if yeh have nowhere teh stay, yeh can come back teh our place. We have plenty a room. Yeh can stay wit us!’

  I looked across him, muttering, ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘No, honestly,’ he said, pushing to get me to come with them, ‘yer more then welcome. Come on, we don’t live far from here. Come on! Get yer case. Yeh can come with us now.’ He made a move, standing up and moving over towards me to pick up me case and get me moving.

  ‘No, it’s all right,’ I said. ‘I’m fine. I have somewhere to stay.’

  ‘Listen, you’ll be safe with us,’ he said. Totally ignoring what I’m saying, then sitting back down again and leaning across the table to talk into me face. I stared at him, seeing the desperate pleading in his eyes, not wanting to let go. ‘Won’t she, Mary?’ he shot at the woman, whipping his head around to demand she agree with him.

  I looked at the woman, seeing her flick her eyes at me then turn away like she was saying, ‘That’s the last thing I want.’ Then she lowered her head, keeping her eyes down, much as to say, ‘But there’s nothing I can do about it. I have to accept it.’ She reminded me of my ma. That same beaten look. The look that said, ‘There’s nothing in this life for me. I just have to go along with this fella and do what I’m told. Otherwise, I really will have nothing. He’s better than nothing. Anyway, he owns me.’

  ‘No thanks!’ I said, standing up and looking him straight in the eye. ‘I’m OK. What gave you the idea I needed somewhere to stay? I’m off home now.’

  ‘Right,’ he said, jumping up, knowing I was trying to pull the wool over his eyes. ‘We’re leavin, too. Come on, Mary! We’ll walk this young girl to wherever she’s goin.’ I watched the way he said that to the woman. He said it like it was a threat, that she better buck herself up. He was going to get his hands on me and she better help, if she knew what was good for her. Oh, here we go! This bastard is not only shifty but he’s a dangerous shifty bastard. He’s not going to let me get out of his clutches, no matter where I walk now. He has me.

  I walked off, heading down to the toilets, and lit up a cigarette, thinking if I walk out that door now, he’s going to follow me. Where can I run to? I have nowhere to go to. Even if I tell the waitresses here, what can they do? He will just lie in wait, watching to see where I go. Jesus! That suitcase is a dead giveaway. It tells people straight away at this hour of the night I am homeless.

  Think! Right, I know what to do. I marched out and there they were, sitting at the table waiting for me with their coats on. ‘Right, are we ready?’ the little weasel said, taking it for granted I was just going to follow him. He was already acting like I belonged to him. Jaysus! The world is full of Jacksers. I know his game now. I have him worked out. He uses the woman as a blind, to put you at your ease that he’s a respectable married man, sitting with his wife. The pair of them are offering me, out of the kindness of their hearts, a bed for the night. So he can’t possibly do me any harm. What could be wrong with that? Yeah, plenty, mister. She does what she’s told. She’s a beaten woman. But he has plenty of uses for her. I recognise their type straight away. Yeah, I had more then me share of them as a child. He’s a fucking pimp. I have been around bad bastards long enough to recognise one when I see one. I am going to have to play cute.

  ‘You still here?’ I said, hauling meself back inta the seat and grinning at him.

  ‘Are yeh coming? Come on, it’s getting late out,’ he said, looking at me like he was losing patience with me.

  ‘Wha? Wha are yeh on about? Go where? Jaysus! Where did you come out of? Was I fuckin asleep?’ I said, staring at him waiting for an answer. He stared back at me, trying to make out the change in me. He hadn’t really heard me talk.

  ‘Yeah, yeh were,’ he said slowly, his mouth hanging open, trying to make out what was happening.

  ‘Where do yeh live?’ I asked him.

  ‘In Gardiner Street. It’s not too far from here,’ he said, looking confused. ‘We can walk it in five minutes.’

  ‘Listen, did yeh see a big fella with short blond mousey hair and a crooked nose,’ I laughed, ‘comin in here looking for anyone?’

  ‘No! Why?’

  ‘It’s me bleedin bruther! Me ma will fuckin be dug outa him when I tell her the poxy bastard left me sittin stranded here for the whole fuckin night. He left me here with a plate a bleedin fish and chips and tha was the last I saw a him. “I’m ony goin down teh Mooney’s pub for a quick one,” ’ I mimicked. ‘We just got back from England in the early hours a the mornin. He took me over there fer a weddin. Me sister just got married, she’s livin in Birmingham, an we’ve been doin the fuckin rounds all day! We’ve only been missin fer a week. But the carry on a him, goin around meetin up wit all the pals. Yeh would think the eejit was gone outa the country for years! Can yeh credit tha?’ I asked him, staring with me mouth hanging open. ‘I’ve probably missed the last bus back home now so the fucker is goin to have teh pay for a taxi. So tha should shut him up! Yeah, tha will put a stop teh his gallop, wit all the bleedin excuses that’s bound teh come pourin outa him. I’m ragin, I am! Wha deh yeh think about bleedin tha?’ I asked him again, staring with me eyes boring into him and me lips clamped together, breathing heavily through me nose, waiting for an answer.

  I sat staring, watching his eyes staring out of his head then blinking like mad, trying to figure how he could have been so wrong about me. I looked so nice and innocent and all respectable, and stupid. Defi
nitely fair game, with me sitting here with the suitcase, looking like a lamb waiting to go to the slaughter. Then along comes the likes of him, springing on me and trying to claim me for himself. No fucking chance, you little toerag. I’m going to eat you alive. Jaysus! He must have thought all his birthdays came on the one day when he clapped eyes on me. I can’t get over the cheek a him, picking on me!

  ‘Did you say Gardiner Street?’ I suddenly roared, interrupting him shaking his head, trying to agree me bruther was a bastard. ‘I know that place like the back of me hand. Do yeh know anyone livin in the buildins or Foley Street? Maybe me bruthers know yeh! Wha did yeh say yer name was?’ I asked him.

  ‘Listen,’ he suddenly said, wrapping his hand across his mouth like he just remembered something. ‘We have teh hurry, don’t we, Mary?’

  ‘Wha?’ she said, looking up at him with a glint in her eye, beginning to enjoy herself now I was no longer trouble for her and delighted he had made a fool of himself.

  ‘Come on, will yeh? Let’s get moving, for fuck’s sake,’ he growled, grabbing a handful of her coat by the shoulder and slapping her with his other hand to get her moving.

  ‘Ah, Jaysus! Are youse off, too?’ I moaned. ‘Will I tell Lasher, me bruther, yeh were askin after him?’ I roared, looking up at them wit me mouth hanging open, making meself look disappointed to see them going.

  ‘Nah, yer all right,’ he said, waving at me and rushing Mary out the door.

  I waited a few minutes, giving them enough time to put distance between us. Then I got up, taking me suitcase, and walked slowly to the door. I opened it, looking out to see what he was up to. I watched the pair of them make their way along the street with their shoulders hunched and him with his hands pushed into his pockets. He wriggled his neck, trying to keep it from getting exposed to the icy-cold wind, letting it drop and get buried deep inside the collar of his overcoat. He rushed ahead of her, turning himself right down Talbot Street, leaving her to trail behind, taking little steps, rushing to catch up with him.

  I walked on until I hit the corner and stopped to watch where he was going. He flew, rushing himself like mad and half drew his head back, telling her to hurry. He looked like he was worried someone might come after him. Accusing him of trying to molest the little sister of some hard men from the city centre.

  Ah, that’s the last I’ll see of him. That little runt is in too much of a hurry to get himself home to Gardiner Street. He wants to get back while he’s still in one piece. No, he’s not going to hang around bothering me. I watched him flying off down the road. Yeah, that’s right, you little snot rag! Run back to your rats’ nest! You’re not getting an easy life at my expense. Fucker!

  I turned back, heading across the road, and took off in the opposite direction. Hurrying down through the long empty streets, seeing the Liffey lying just in the distance. I turned right and the wind coming across the Liffey whipped me clean off me feet. Fuck! Jaysus! I caught me breath, whipping hold of me coat collar, and bent me head inta the wind. I pushed on, making me way down the quays along Bachelors Walk.

  Jaysus! Everything is locked up, I thought. Staring around, looking at the empty dark old Georgian houses that sold second-hand furniture alongside the old bookshops. It’s very lonely down this way. It’s even darker, with no lights from anywhere. The street lamps are far too wide apart from each other. Some of them are not even working. Where am I going to sit in for the night and get a bit of sleep?

  Sleep? Forget that! I need to get in off the streets fast, before someone else tries to land their hands on me. Who would believe it? Here I am, walking along here in the dead of night with me suitcase in me hand. Looking like a lost culchie searching for me way back to the bog. Fer the lovin Jaysus, Martha! How thick can yeh get? Oh, I’m raging with meself. Imagine getting caught out like this! And the bloody freezing cold would rip yeh in two!

  I could feel the icy wind whipping across from the river and running straight up through me. A car came towards me and started to slow down. I saw the driver lean his head down to get a look out at me. Help! Mammy! He’s stopping. I hurried past, leaving him stopped. Ah, no! Now he’s reversing.

  Are you all right?’ an aul fella said, leaning across to whip down the window on the passenger side and leer out at me. I could see by the way his eyes was dancing up and down in his head, he wanted to get his hands on me. I gave a quick look straight at his eyes. No, run! He’s not offering charity! I said nothing, just flew meself over to the other side of the road and took off along the river. I heard the squealing of tyres and he shot across the road after me. I stopped dead to meet him head-on, and see what he was about.

  ‘Are you lost?’ he said, smiling. Looking at me like he would love to have me for his dinner!

  ‘Nah,’ I said easily. ‘Me bleedin bruther dumped me outa the car because he thought the coppers were followin him for havin no insurance on the car. He’s hidin down the road, waitin on me. He put me outa the car in case he got lagged! Nice a him, huh? Doesn’t want his little sister in any trouble! Me ma would only kill him, big an all as he is. I’m just back after me holidays! They had me in Mountjoy Prison for attemptin teh knife me aul fella. I was bunged up for threatening behaviour! That’s wha the coppers called it. Usin a lethal weapon, or somethin like tha, the charges was. But it was his word against mine. Me bruthers had a little word wit him, and he dropped the charges pronto! So they had teh let me go. Anyways, they couldn’t keep me there cos I’m only a minor! Do yeh want teh give us a lift in outa the cold, an we can go down an see if he’s still waitin on me? He’s goin teh be . . .’

  Ah! He didn’t let me finish what I was going to say. I watched him whip the car back around the way he just came. The eyes were turning in the back of his head with the shock he just got. ‘Eh, mister! Where’re yeh runnin?’ I watched him burning the rubbers on the tyres of the car, he was in such a hurry to get back about his business.

  ‘He didn’t even bother teh say goodbye!’ I snorted to meself. Taking in icy-cold air right up through me nostrils. That was great gas! I laughed to meself, getting the picture again of your man’s face turning all colours in the dark. I stood, still staring after him, watching the car vanish into the distance over the Liffey on O’Connell Bridge. I felt like I could handle anything.

  Right, that’s it! Enough of this, Martha. You can run outa luck, if you meet the wrong kind of bastard. So far you’ve been lucky. Them fellas are only chancers!

  I took off running for all I was worth, looking for a place where I could sit in out of the cold and hide until the night was over. I flew on, trying to warm meself. But me legs feel like lead and I’m freezing to the bone. Jaysus! There’s nothing! No place I can hide. I need to sit down in a bit of heat and comfort and think up something.

  More cars were driving slowly along the road, coming towards me then slowing down. Bleedin hell! I’ll just have to keep ducking and diving, flying from one side of the road to the other. I ran, running like a blue-arsed fly, trying to keep in the wrong direction to the way the cars were coming. ‘Where the fuck are they all coming out of?’ I puffed, slowing down to get me breath.

  I stopped rushing altogether when I came towards the Four Courts. I stared at the great big columns and the high steps up to the inside, where the High Court is held. I looked up at the height of it as I hurried for the steps. Seeing the great big dome sitting on the top. Gawd! Mammy! I have somewhere to sit down at last. I dashed up the steps and hid meself behind one of the great big columns. Oh, that’s better. No one can see me here. But I can see who’s coming when I put me head around the corner. I shivered and pulled the collar of me coat tight, trying to wrap it across me neck.

  Bloody hell! Why didn’t I think of something better than this before I fell asleep in that café? I think I had a plan! What was it? I don’t even remember falling asleep. Bloody gobshite! Imagine letting meself lie there, sleeping away, stretched across the table, making a holy show of meself! No wonder that crackpot thought you w
ere an easy mark!

  oh, bloody hell! I can’t think straight when this cold is going right up through me. Even me nerves are gone on edge. I’m thinking any minute now someone is going to jump out at me from behind that flower pot with the big bush sticking out. What am I going to do? What about a church? There’s plenty of them further down. Even Adam and Eve’s is just across the road . . .

  No, they’re all well locked up by now! But I can’t stay on here. This stone-cold ground is making an ice block outa me arse. It’s cutting right up through me. I’m beginning to turn inta a stone statue, like the ones draped around this place. Ah, Jaysus! I feel like I’m a criminal on the run, with all this keeping ahead a the posse! Bleedin men! They’re good for nothing!

  It feels like I’m in the jungle, running for me life because I’m the dinner. I started to think about the story of the big wolf blowing down the house on the little pigs. I might as well have had the same thing happen to me. Did the poor pigs get eaten or were they just left without a roof over their head? A cold fear started to fly through me at that sudden thought. That’s it. Now even the fairy tales I read as a child are beginning to picture in me head. I used to frighten the life outa meself looking at them pictures and trying to work out what was happening. Now they’re all coming back to haunt me.

  Will yeh stop it? For the love a Jaysus! I’m frightening meself to death. Oh, Mammy! No, think of something good, yeah. Like I want to cry! No, cut out the snivelling. Some people love to see you crying! It makes them feel big. Some fella could come creeping along here any minute and catch me crying. He may well decide straight away I’m a stupid little softie. Then there’s no getting outa that.

  OK, definitely no crying. So think of something else. The dome sitting on top of the building. It’s very high up! Come to think of it, I think they blew this place up during the War of Independence, them culchie eejits from the country! They came up here blowing up the place, saying they were having a war against the English! Yeah, that’s right. They blew this place up. And the only thing left standing was the dome sitting on the top. My Gawd! Imagine that. And it still stands here today. Right, if that thing up there can stay standing, so can I. It won’t kill me. The cold won’t either and I’m definitely not worried about some man coming and dragging me off and killing me! No, I can outrun most people. I’m very fast on me feet. I had to be when Jackser was always making his way to kill me. Yeah, I’m definitely very nippy on me pins. And usually I’m always wide awake. I can spot trouble coming a mile away!