The Wishstone and the Wonderworkers coaaod-6

by Hugh Cook

  The albinotic one was filth of the worst order, a fiend from the legions of the damned. He was one of those monsters who traffic in the most abominable drugs imaginable, drugs which cause insanity, cancer and death! The sorcerer was a callous, unprincipled brute who sold alcohol — evil of evils! — to enrich himself and glut his greed for worldly wealth. Yet Chegory had tried to pact with him.

  With incredibly bad timing, Chegory had declared himself for Varazchavardan just before the man was revealed as a master criminal. His error was compounded by the fact that he had done so in public. In front of the Empress! In front of Olivia and Ingalawa both! Somehow, he had to extricate himself from this mess. To repudiate Varazchavardan. Quickly! But how?

  Before he could think on it further, Xter continued:

  ‘Aquitaine Varazchavardan, in my capacity as Inquisitor General I order you to be suspended from all official duties and placed under arrest. You-’

  ‘You’re mad!’ said Varazchavardan. ‘I refuse to be suspended by a madman! He’s a lunatic, a crazy, a blue banana.’

  ‘Guards!’ shouted Xter, pointing at Varazchavardan. ‘Seize him!’

  Those guards who placed their trust in Dolglin Chin Xter advanced upon Varazcavardan, who repeated his accusations of insanity:

  ‘He’s mad, mad! Seize him! Not me! Him!’

  Those guards loyal to Varazchavardan closed in on Dolglin Chin Xter.

  It was all on!

  The Empress Justina was on her feet. Shouting something. But what? Her voice was lost in the uproar as roaring guards charged Xter and Varazchavardan both. Smoke of many colours boiled up around the two embattled sorcerers. The guards disappeared into the smoke. From that roiling pother came shouts and snarls, cries and screams. Slowly outcry' gave way to coughing as smoke subdued the mob.

  ‘Stop!’ commanded Justina. ‘Stop fighting! Now!’

  She had a formidable pair of lungs. She was obeyed. Or appeared to be obeyed. In fact, combat ended because both sorcerers had disposed of the guards sent against them. Smoke cleared. Revealing the two wonderworkers. Who stood on guard with smoke still dribbled from their fingertips. Around them lay groaning guards in various states of disrepair. Nobody had been killed — a very miracle indeed!

  — but most were feeling more than a little sick.

  ‘Order in the court!’ said Judge Qil, venturing to speak now that order had been restored.

  The Empress Justina ignored him. She turned her fury on her Master of Law. ‘Varazchavardan!’ said she. Then coughed as a litde smoke invaded her airspace. Then went on: ‘Explain yourself! Are you a drug dealer or are you not?’

  ‘I am not,’ said Varazchavardan. He jabbed one talon in Chin Xter’s direction. ‘What’s more, this man’s a criminal! He accuses me, but he’s the one! He did it! He unleashed the dragon! I saw, you saw, we all saw! In came Xter, into the banqueting hall. Next moment — the dragon! He’s the one!’

  Dolglin Chin Xter was so shocked and shaken by his batde with the guards that he could barely stand. He had no breath for eloquence. Indeed, he barely had breath sufficient to sustain life. Verily, he looked as if he might have a heart attack instanter. So there were good reasons for his silence. Health reasons. But few spectators thought of that. To most of the mundane intellects present, Xter’s silence meant only one thing: he must be guilty.

  ‘I order Xter to be suspended and arrested,’ said Varazchavardan. ‘On charges of high, low and middle treason. On charges of keeping dragons without licence. And — and — and of letting prisoners escape.’

  ‘Prisoners?’ said the Empress Justina, bewildered. ‘Stand still, you men! Still, I say! Vazzy, what’s this about prisoners?’

  All action in the Star Chamber was for the moment suspended as the Empress confronted her Master of Law.

  ‘The prisoners I speak of are the Malud marauders who were trapped in the starvation cage,’ said Varazchavardan. ‘Xter let them out! I have proof!’

  ‘You are mistaken,’ said the Empress with a considerable degree of severity. ‘Young Chegory Guy let the prisoners out.’

  On hearing that, Varazchavardan realised he had made a mistake. He had over-reached himself. He pushed on recklessly:

  ‘Then arrest him too!’ said Varazchavardan. ‘Doubtless he was Xter’s agent.’

  ‘He only let them out so we could shelter from the dragon in the cage,’ said Justina. ‘If he hadn’t let them out, I’d be dead. Eaten by the dragon.’

  ‘But who brought the dragon into the banqueting hall in the first place?’ said Varazchavardan. ‘Xter! Don’t you see? It’s a conspiracy! In came Xter, in came the dragon, then Chegory opened the cage, out went the prisoners, in went the Empress, confusion reigned-’

  ‘But I reign here and now,’ said the Empress. ‘Varazchavardan! You are out of order! Be seated!’

  The Empress Justina was not a political genius. But her father, Lonstantine Thrug, had taught her the basics. In particular, he had taught her that speed is dangerous. Speed kills! Right now, a great many things were happening very very quickly. The Empress did not like it. Was Varazchavardan guilty? Was Xter? Was Odolo? She knew not, but knew full well she needed time to think about it.

  ‘Be seated!’ she said, repeating her order to the recalcitrant Varazchavardan.

  But Varazchavardan would not be seated. Since he had gone too far already he must now go further yet — or be doomed for certain. His accusing talons needled the air as he shouted:

  ‘Xter! You’re under arrest! And you! The Ebby! And that corpse master, he’s under arrest! And-’

  ‘Halt!’ cried Justina. ‘This has gone too far! This is a gross abuse of our Presence, of the judicial process, the constitutional mechanism, your office and the public patience.’ What the Empress said might have made very litde sense if subjected to detailed intellectual analysis, but it sounded magnificent. She continued: ‘Nobody is under arrest here. Not unless I say so.’

  ‘Then say it!’ said Chegory Guy desperately, seizing his chance. ‘Say it about Varazchavardan! He’s a drug pusher! Xter’s right! I’ve proof! Varazchavardan’s evil! Drugs, drugs, that’s what he’s into! I saw him, he had liquor, barrel upon barrel of it. I saw it Downstairs! He had rum!’

  He had rum! In Injiltaprajura, that was about the worst accusation one could make about someone.

  ‘That is a baseless accusation,’ said Varazchavardan roundly. ‘A vile slander. This Chegory is in league with Xter! He’s part of a criminal conspiracy to undermine the administration of law. Treason, in a word!’

  Chegory could hear pounding footsteps fast-approaching. Whose footsteps? Who was coming?

  ‘We’ll see,’ said the Empress Justina grimly. ‘For the moment, Vazzy, you’re out of a job. I’m removing you from your position. You’ll-’ She broke off as armed guards came pounding into the Star Chamber. At their head was the captain of her palace guard, the elegant Bro Drumel. ‘Brody!’ said Justina. ‘Just the man I wanted to see! I want you to-’

  ‘Seize the bitch!’ shouted Varazchavardan. ‘It’s now or never, man!’

  To Chegory’s bewilderment, Bro Drumel and his men laid rough hands upon the Empress Justina without so much as a moment’s hesitation. Comprehension came to him a trifle belatedly: Bro Drumel and his men must long have been leaguing with Varazchavardan. Here was conspiracy true and proven!

  ‘What are your orders?’ said Bro Drumel to Varazchavardan.

  ‘Secure the palace,’ said the sorcerer. ‘Let none enter or leave. Guard the treasury. Summon up the troops. Declare a State of Emergency. I am taking control of Untunchilamon in the name of Aldarch the Third, Mutilator of Yestron.’

  ‘You cannot do this!’ cried Justina, in high dudgeon truly. ‘Such base ingratitude! Such vile turpitude!’

  ‘Silence, bitch!’

  That was Bro Drumel speaking. Then he said no more, for the Empress thumped him with her handbag, and he fell as if poleaxed. Roaring like a buffalo in heat, Justina laid about her, layi
ng out guardsmen right and left.

  ‘Cut her down!’ screamed Varazchavardan, quite losing his cool. ‘Kill her where she stands!’

  But none of the guardsmen was quite prepared to hack into the imperial flesh. Instead, they abandoned their scimitars and endeavoured to subdue the Empress by brute force alone. As batde imperial progressed, Chegory Guy edged toward the door.

  ‘The Ebby!’ said Varazchavardan. ‘Don’t let him get away! Seize him! And those Ashdan bitches! The corpse master, get the corpse master!’

  This was done. Thus Chegory Guy, Olivia Qasaba, Artemis Ingalawa and the corpse master Uckermark were swept into Varazchavardan’s net together with the Inquisitor Xter and the Empress Justina. Yes, Justina was captured. Panting, sweating, speechless with rage and exhaustion. She spat at her treacherous guard captain as he picked himself up off the floor.

  ‘Search them,’ said Bro Drumel.

  Obedient to his orders, the guards began to search the captives. Starting with Justina.

  ‘Take your filthy hands off me!’ said the Empress Justina, rapidly recovering her voice. ‘How dare you maul the royal person with your vulgar paws?’

  Her wrath made very little impression on the guards. Unfortunately most of Untunchilamon’s soldiers were from Ang, and hence had scant natural regard for the daughter of a Yudonic Knight from Wen Endex. While they had served her faithfully during the years of civil war, none fancied the idea of dying in a futile attempt to shield her from the wrath of Aldarch the Third, who now seemed certain to obtain victory in Yestron.

  To the guards, throwing in their lot with Varazchavardan made a lot of sense. As they were eager to prove their loyalty to that eminent sorcerer, they made a thorough job of their search. Since the Empress was wearing virtually next to nothing they found scarcely anything about her person.

  But a search of her handbag uncovered:

  A bodkin, a poison ring, a pet asp in an enamelled box, a confectionery case holding half a dozen condoms and a piece of zurkish delight, a soljamimpambagoya rock, two pages of a treatise on sodomy, a miniature prayer scroll, a twist of hashish, a snuff bottle, a clean sweat-pad, two pearls, a tiny spoon designed for cleaning the nostrils, a fragment of pumice, a silken pomander, a likoraskifdadona, assorted coinage, some items related to intimate feminine hygiene, the tooth of a basilisk strung on a silver chain, a dragon’s tooth, a piece of raw ambergris, a scorpion embalmed in amber, an embroidered snot-rag, an ivory chin-scratcher and a dead mosquito.

  Now that Varazchavardan was sure Justina was not in possession of any concealed weapons, he approached.

  ‘Faugh!’ she said. ‘So this is the thing which means to kill me!’

  There was a low grumble from the audience. To his discomfort, Varazchavardan realised that a great number of spectators had entered the Star Chamber, attracted by the drama there taking place. He had not noticed them till then, for none had dared venture on to the ground-floor battleground. Instead, they were crowding the mezzanine floor. If he tried to have Justina killed out of hand, he might precipitate a sudden outbreak of suicidal patriotism amongst the spectators.

  Varazchavardan counted his guards, rough-counted the spectators, then substituted ‘murderous’ for ‘suicidal’. If things got out of hand, he might die. Here and now!

  ‘Nobody means to kill you,’ said Varazchavardan, in his most sincere and soothing voice. ‘My dear Justina, you’ve been ill. My old friend Aldarch Three will understand that, particularly when he finds you in the Dromdanjerie with your father.’

  The Empress hissed with rage.

  Spat.

  Missed.

  Varazchavardan addressed the mezzanine audience directly, saying:

  ‘The Empress is suffering a mental disturbance. Thus will be held in protective custody lest she come to harm. Aldarch Three will understand. No harm will come to her. Or… or to us, to all of us, we who have stood by her for so long. We were right to do so while rule in Yestron was in dispute, but now rule is disputed no longer we must

  … we must take care of everyone in danger here. Including Justina. To rule any longer would prove her death. And… and ours, my friends.’

  This may seem a simple speech. It was. It was no great exercise in eloquence, to be sure. But it brought the audience to order, for it contained some very potent truths. Aldarch the Third was almost certain to triumph in Yestron, and would doubtless be most unhappy with anyone who opposed his claims to absolute power.

  Then a strident voice cried from the mezzanine:

  ‘Who says she’s mad?’

  ‘What else could she be?’ said Varazchavardan. ‘Unless mad, why would she consort with this Ebby?’ He laid his hand on Chegory’s shoulder. He dug his talons into Chegory’s flesh.

  ‘Ebbies are okay,’ said the same strident voice.

  Varazchavardan wished he could see who the voice belonged to. Its owner would then be in line for a bath in boiling oil. From the mezzanine there came an ugly muttering. Others took up the cry in favour of Ebbies. But Varazchavardan was equal to the situation. He plunged a hand up one of the sleeves of Chegory’s silken canary' robes and withdrew it, holding something bright and glittering.

  ‘What’s this?’ said Varazchavardan, holding aloft the trophy he appeared to have snatched from Chegory’s possession.

  ‘Something you put there!’ said Chegory.

  ‘Thus says a thief!’ said Varazchavardan, upholding the glittering bauble for all to see. ‘This is the wishstone, isn’t it?’

  ‘It’s not, it’s not!’ said Chegory. ‘It’s glass, that’s all. A triakisoctahedron in glass!’

  ‘Triakisoctahedron!’ said Varazchavardan. ‘My, what a big word for an Ebby! This is no triakisoctahedron. This is the wishstone! The precious magic which Chegory Guy stole from the treasury then used to overpower Justina by sorcery!’

  ‘You put the thing up his sleeve before you pulled it out,’ said the conjuror Odolo. ‘Besides, that’s no wishstone, that’s-’

  Bro Drumel made a curt gesture. A guard grabbed Odolo from behind and muffled him. Judge Qil protested.

  ‘I say!’ said the judge. ‘You can’t-’

  But he too was suppressed even as Varazchavardan’s voice rose above Chegory Guy’s protesting babble.

  ‘You see?’ said Varazchavardan, holding up the cut-glass bauble. ‘The wishstone! Stolen by Chegory Guy! Used by him to subvert the rule of law! To win the heart of the Empress! Nightly she couples with this sweaty animal, this thing from the gutter. His vices have half-emptied the treasury. His counsel-’

  ‘Hey, hey!’ said Chegory desperately, so astonished by these blatant libels that he could hardly speak. ‘I never-’ A guard hit him. Once. Hard. In the delectable softness below the floating ribs. He doubled up, hissing with pain. He heard Varazchavardan’s remorseless eloquence playing to the prejudice of the crowd. There was a cry of ‘Kill the Ebby!’ Things were starting to look grim for Chegory Guy. Then Justina made her move.

  At the top of her lungs she shouted:

  ‘It’s lies! All lies! Rise up, my people! Liberate your Empress! Five dragons for every man proved loyal!’

  Five dragons is a lot of money as wealth is measured on Untunchilamon. Fifty dalmoons! Or, to put it in terms even a rock-gardening Ebby could understand, two thousand damns. This massive bribe brought those most eager surging to the very edge of the mezzanine floor. But the scimitars of the waiting guards were very sharp, and nobody was quite prepared to be first to jump to the ground floor.

  Varazchavardan considered offering a matching bribe to the crowd, then saw there was no need. The spectators had been for the Empress, then against the Empress, and now they were for the Empress again. Which proved they lacked the single-minded passion which makes people dangerous in decision. The scimitars alone would hold them. Furthermore — what was this, fast approaching? Why, another squad of guards!

  ‘Clear out the spectators,’ said Varazchavardan.

  Bro Drumel amplified his or
ders, and soon it was done. Varazchavardan’s coup was complete.

  ‘You know it’s all lies!’ said Chegory. ‘That — that thing it’s, it’s not the wishstone, is it? You put it, didn’t you? Up my sleeve!’

  ‘Perhaps,’ said Varazchavardan, ‘but it will serve as excuse sufficient for your execution. And for the execution of the old whore who’s nightly been entrancing you into her perfumes.’

  Chegory, seeing Olivia looking at him with horror, protested:

  ‘It’s all lies! Lies! About the Empress and me! And — and you can’t kill her. You gave your word. Taking care of her, that’s what you said. The Dromdanjerie. You gave your word!’

  ‘Lightly given, lightly withdrawn,’ said Varazchavardan. ‘She’s too dangerous to keep under lock and key. Come undokondra, the vampire rats will have her.’

  ‘This is pure perduellion,’ hissed the Empress. ‘You shall pay for this!’

  ‘I can afford to,’ said Varazchavardan dryly. ‘I have an excellent credit rating.’

  ‘You jest?’ said the Empress in outrage.

  ‘Why not?’ said Varazchavardan. ‘Were you ever more than a joke? A libidinous soldier’s brat from Wen Endex posturing in the robes of empire!’

  The Empress struggled. Chegory struggled too, trying to make a break for freedom. Olivia screamed, and Artemis Ingalawa began demanding a lawyer. Then Uckermark broke free. The corpse master scooped up Odolo and bashed the two nearest guards with this convenient weapon. Down they went. Down went Odolo too. Uckermark was off! For a moment he was on the loose, running for the nearest door. Then Bro Drumel tackled him. The pair crashed to the floor. A good half-dozen soldiers promptly jumped on the bold-daring corpse master.

  The situation was under control again.

  Momentarily.

  Then:

  ‘Gaa!’ screamed one of the soldiers holding Dolglin Xter.

  The soldier’s clothing had turned to a scuttling curtain of scorpions.

  As the soldier writhed away from the sorcerer, Xter flung up his hands and said: