by Claire Adams
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” he said. “You should be proud.”
“It’s nothing at all to me anymore,” I replied. “It’s nothing to be proud of or ashamed of—I’m done with it. I have to be. I’m sorry if that wasn’t what you were expecting to hear. But believe me, you’ll be just fine.”
And he would, I knew it. In fact, he’d probably come to enjoy it even more once I wasn’t involved, because then he’d have control over the whole thing.
“I think you’re making a mistake,” he said. “There’s no reason for you to do this. Are you planning to never come back here again?”
“No, of course not. I’ll be here as much as possible. I just can’t continue to do this. There’s really nothing else to say about it, okay? I’ve made up my mind and I’m not going to change it.”
He frowned, but he stood up and started to walk to the door. I followed him.
“Hey,” I said, holding my hand out. “We had a good run together. You said it yourself.”
He waited so long that I didn’t think he was going to shake my hand, but then he finally did, as though doing so pained him greatly. Alfie could always be a bit dramatic.
“Cheers, mate,” he said, and then he left.
He’d only been gone a few minutes, though, when Isla came back, her face flushed, a thin sheen of sweat making her skin glisten.
“Hey,” she said. “I just ran into your friend out there.”
“Oh, Alfie? Yeah, he just stopped by quickly. How was your run?” I asked, eager to steer the conversation in another direction.
“Good. It’s nice to be somewhere different. I’m going to hop in the shower, and then maybe we can go out and do something? Whatever you want.”
I smiled. “Well, whatever I want doesn’t actually involve us leaving the house.”
22.
Isla
So. I’d had sex. I was no longer a virgin.
It had been good, better than I ever thought sex with someone could’ve been, and to spend the whole day having more mind-blowing sex was a bonus. Still, I felt a little strange about the whole thing, especially because I was supposed to be hooking up with Levi out of revenge.
“Is everything okay with you?” Levi asked. “You seem a little . . . I don’t know. Like everything isn’t okay.”
“I’m fine,” I said. “There’s just been a lot of changes lately. Things that I wasn’t expecting. I mean, if you’d told me two weeks ago that I’d be here, on some island off the coast of Spain, with you, I would not have believed it if my life depended on it. I also wouldn’t have believed for a second that I’d be inheriting more money than I will ever know what to do with.” I took a deep breath. “And there’s another thing.” I paused, and he looked at me, waiting for me to speak.
“I’m a virgin,” I said. “Well, I was.”
He laughed. “Yeah, right.”
“No, I really was.”
“So you’re telling me that I’m the first person you’ve had sex with?”
“That’s what I’m telling you.”
His grin widened. “So you were saving yourself for me?”
I could tell from the glint in his eyes that he was joking, kind of. “That wasn’t exactly my line of thinking,” I said. “Actually, you weren’t a factor in it at all. It’s just how it worked out.”
“Wow. I’m honored, then. Truly.”
“And it’s not like I haven’t done other things with guys, you know, there’s been plenty of times that I’ve—”
“It’s okay, I don’t need details,” he interrupted. “I believe you. But you’re right—there’s been a lot of changes, and it can take some time to get used to, even if the changes are good. I think that’s a pretty normal reaction. Want to know one of the best ways I’ve found to get used to changes?”
“What’s that?”
He reached over to his bedside table and pulled open the little drawer. He felt around and then pulled his hand out, holding a tiny little black lacquered case, no bigger than a mini Altoids container. He popped the top and took something out. It was a capsule, filled with white powder. There was something printed on the capsule; I picked it up and held it up to the light. A gold cursive L.
“What the hell is this?” I asked.
“It’s called Lush. Ever heard of it?”
“No.” I put it back in the box.
“Would you like to try it?”
I raised an eyebrow. I had never even smoked pot before. “What is it?”
“It’s nothing crazy, I promise. It’s a pleasing combination of Molly and cocaine. It’ll give you all the good feels with no drowsiness or any harsh comedown.”
“I take it you’ve tried these before.”
“I have. Just for fun, though. I don’t have a drug problem or anything like that.”
I felt as though I were back in high school, being peer pressured into doing something, even though I’d never been offered drugs in high school. Who’s to say I wouldn’t have tried them if I had, but everyone just seemed to assume that I was the sort of person who would turn my nose up at that sort of thing. Who wouldn’t be interested in it, who would be too afraid to try it, who would be too much of a goody-two-shoes. I wasn’t that girl, though. I took the pill back out.
“You promise this isn’t going to make me do something stupid?” I said. “I don’t want to be standing on the roof of some building, thinking I can fly.”
“I promise,” he said. “I’ll take care of you. We’ll just go to Pure, where you’ll be amongst friends, and it will be the most beautiful time you have ever had. I promise.”
I eyed the pill in the palm of my hand. “Are you going to take one?”
He plucked one out of the container, snapped the lid back on, and popped the pill in his mouth. He swallowed without chasing it with water.
“There,” he said. “Your turn.”
“I need some water. It’s going to end up getting stuck in my throat if I don’t have a drink with it.”
I went into the kitchen and got a glass of water. I could feel my pulse beating in my ears, my heart rate accelerating. I didn’t want to feel nervous, but I did, all the same. What if I ended up being one of those people who was allergic to drugs and died the second they went into my system? Or what if I just had a completely unexpected reaction and did something stupid? I could go back out there and tell him that I didn’t want to take it. He would understand. But we were going to a club tonight, and I didn’t want it to be like the other night. I didn’t want to be standing there, feeling self-conscious, unable to really let go, the way everyone else around me was. I wanted to feel the music, the way Levi described. I wanted to be able to dance and not feel as though everyone was watching me, thinking that I looked like an idiot.
I didn’t feel any different, though, not as I got changed, not when we left the house, not when we arrived at the club, a different place than the one we’d previously gone to. I sighed. Maybe it had been foolish to be afraid of having a bad reaction—apparently I was someone who was going to have no reaction.
The music was loud and had the same pounding bass, like a heartbeat. I thought about what Shana had said, it being primordial, like we’re back in the womb or something. And then Levi grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the dance floor, and I went, because it felt good to move my body, and though I was pretty sure I had never heard the song playing before, it was like I recognized it somehow. I started to move to the music, not really thinking about it, just doing it, and it felt really fucking good. Like this was exactly what I was supposed to be doing. It felt like I’d found a groove, that I was completely synced, not just with the song, but with everyone around me, Levi especially. I started to laugh as we danced, and I realized how good I felt. My whole body was buzzing with pleasure. It was as though I was acutely aware of every single cell in my body, the way the air felt on my skin, the heat in the room, Levi’s touch when he grabbed me and spun me around. There was also an intense love for
everyone around me. I had no clue who these people were, yet I loved every single one of them. I especially loved this music, because it was so perfect, exactly the right thing to be listening to. No, not just listening to, really feeling. Embodying. It felt so good.
I didn’t know how long we danced for, but Levi finally pulled me over to the bar and got me a glass of water, which he instructed me to drink. I started to say I wasn’t thirsty, but once the liquid touched my lips, I realized that I was very thirsty and I downed the whole thing. “That tastes amazing!” I shouted.
He grinned and kissed my forehead, then ran his fingers lightly up my forearm. I shivered.
“Holy shit that feels good.”
“You having fun?” he asked.
“I’m having the best time! I never want to leave this place!”
“Well, we’re going to have to soon, but not tonight.”
“We should stay here forever! I want to go back out and dance!”
“Atta girl!” he said. He grabbed my hand. “Come on; let’s go.”
23.
Levi
Back in New York. I couldn’t get that song out of my head: Back to life! Back to reality! even though getting ready to go into the office was certainly not any reality I was used to. Isla and I had stayed in Ibiza for a few more days, but I knew Cal was just marking off the days that I didn’t show up at BCM, and each day I didn’t was one more thing he’d hold against me.
“Well, honey, I’m off to my first day of work!” I said. Isla laughed, and so did I, though really, my laughter was to mask my nervousness. I couldn’t remember feeling this nervous about something before. I tried to ignore the feeling as I looked at myself in the mirror. Long-sleeved, light-blue shirt with white pin-striping, black dress pants, Italian leather shoes, black tie.
“You look great,” she said. “Very professional.”
“Thanks.” My tie felt too tight. I’d had to watch a video on YouTube to get it right.
“Are you nervous?”
“Not at all,” I lied. I gave myself one last look in the mirror and then turned away. “Here goes nothing.”
I got off the elevator and walked through the etched-glass double doors, where the receptionist sat behind a tall, L-shaped desk. She was young, probably in her early or mid-twenties, attractive, with blonde hair pulled back in a clip and a smart-looking business jacket with a pink collared shirt and black skirt. She held her hand out, smiling.
“Nice to meet you again, Mr. Bassett,” she said. I must’ve looked confused because she added, “We met at your father’s funeral. Briefly, though. My name’s Erin.”
“Oh, right,” I said, though I couldn’t recall meeting her. There had been a different receptionist here the day I’d come when Isla had to meet up with Cal. “Hi there. Nice to see you again. I’m here to see Cal.”
“He’s in his office. I’ll notify him that you’re here.”
“Great. Thanks.”
Past the receptionist’s desk was essentially a big room with partition board and dozens of desks, all of which were occupied by people that I sort of recognized, but couldn’t actually think of any of their names. Some were on the phone, others were typing on keyboards. I gave a little wave but hurried through, not wanting to stop and have a conversation yet.
“Hello,” I said. I continued past the glass-walled conference room, which was just a huge, oblong-shaped table with many tall-backed leather office chairs around it. It reminded me of a terrarium. My dad’s office was to the right; Cal’s was to the left. I went to the left and was about to knock on the door when it opened.
“Levi,” Cal said. He made a show of looking at his watch, a large gold Rolex. “It’s ten-thirty. Nice of you to decide to show up.”
The way he said it, it was as if I were late, though I was pretty sure we hadn’t specified a certain time. “Was I supposed to be here earlier?” I asked. “I don’t remember telling you what time I’d be arriving.”
He stepped back and gestured with his hand. “Let’s go into my office.” I stepped in and he closed the door. “Have a seat.”
Both he and my father had corner offices, though from what I could remember, Dad’s office was bigger, had the better view. Cal’s was still nice, nonetheless, and I sat down on the couch. Cal took a seat opposite me in a white leather wingback chair.
“You’re right,” he said, “we didn’t agree on a time.”
I nodded. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
“But would you like to know what your father’s schedule was like? Would you like to know what an average day for him looked like?”
I was about to say that I knew what an average day for my father looked like, but then I realized, I didn’t have any clue at all. “Sure,” I said.
“Your father woke up every morning around five-thirty. He arrived here about forty-five minutes later, had his coffee while he read the Wall Street Journal, and then he had appointments and client calls for the rest of the day. Often ending with a business dinner.”
“Dad was very busy.”
“Our situation right now is a bit delicate,” Cal said. He rubbed his hands together and exhaled loudly. “I’ll be very honest with you, Levi: I find it rather troubling that your father has left his interest in the company to you, someone who has no experience with finance, other than freely spending money that isn’t his.”
“Ouch,” I said. “That’s a little harsh.”
“But not entirely untrue, is it?”
“You’re making it sound worse than it really is. I think everything is going to be okay.” “We have a management team,” Cal said. “These are people who are very passionate, very dedicated to their work. They’ve gone through the CFA program, they have MBAs, they’ve worked incredibly hard to get where they are. They take their job seriously. We have 3.1 trillion dollars under asset management. I know you might think that you have some clue about large sums of money, but I can assure you, this is more money than you could ever possibly conceive of. Do you even understand what we do here?” Cal asked. “What your father did here?”
“Manage people’s money?” I said weakly.
He gave me a stern look. “Yes, but it’s so much more than that. We leverage our clients’ assets and provide them with diversification and investment opportunities. And when it came to market forecasting, your father had a gift, which unfortunately isn’t something that can be taught.”
“He was always asking me to come into the office so he could show me what he did,” I said. “So he must’ve thought that some of it was teachable.”
“Some of it is. Most of it is, actually. But in every line of work, there’s always going to be a few that have an innate talent for it, something that simply can’t be taught. Can’t really even be put into words. So I’m not even going to try.”
“Fair enough. And trust me, Cal, I’m not coming in here thinking that I know what to do, because it’s probably pretty obvious that I don’t. I would like to learn though.”
“Well,” Cal said, “seeing as you have no experience in finance whatsoever, I expect that you’ll be willing to step back and let the people who have been doing this for a while continue to do what they’re doing, with little interference.”
“Yeah, of course,” I said. “But I do own the majority of shares in this company, so I am technically the owner. Right?”
Cal nodded grudgingly. “That is correct. Your father worked hard, Levi, which is something I hope you don’t overlook. It’s also something I hope you don’t try to undo, either through ignorance or maliciousness. There’s no reason for either.”
“I’m not trying to undo anything. And I don’t feel the least bit malicious about this whole thing. Ignorant, yeah, maybe a little, but I’m here to learn. I want to learn. Dad tried to have this talk to me right before he died and I pretty much blew him off, which I regret now. He wanted me to take a more active role here, and at the time, I didn’t want to.”
“I know,” Cal said. “I
t was always a hope of your father’s that you show an interest in business. It’s too bad it’s happening now, when he’s not here to see it. What I think might be best is if you let us do what we’re continuing to do. You do what you’ve always done. If you start meddling in stuff that you don’t understand, our clients are going to get scared, and they might decide to go elsewhere. We don’t want that. Your father wouldn’t want that. He’s worked so hard, Levi; we don’t want that to be for nothing.”
“No, of course not,” I said. “But I would like to be a part of it.” It was tempting to just go back to what I’d always been doing, pretend that Dad was really still around, but I didn’t want to not do this just because it was a little intimidating. Okay, a lot intimidating. Did BCM really handle trillions of dollars? That seemed like an absurd amount of money.
“Why don’t you go down to your office,” Cal said. He stood up, so I did too, and we left his office and he walked me down to my dad’s. Mine now. “I’ll give you some time to just think things over,” he said.
I stepped into Dad’s office and pushed the door closed behind me. The office was immaculate. The carpet was a square pattern, cream-colored; the walls, where they weren’t glass, were white, except for the wall behind his desk, which was painted a deep red. I went over to the desk and sat in his black leather executive chair. The chair was comfortable and could rock back and forth. There was nothing on his desk except a black leather desk pad and atop that, a laptop, which was closed. I knew that Dad had spent more time in this office probably than he had at home, more time here than he ever did with me. And now I was supposed to take this over, I was supposed to know what to do. The thing was, Cal was right—I had no idea, no clue, no experience whatsoever.
24.
Isla
I could tell that going into BCM hadn’t gone exactly as Levi had been imagining it. He’d come back and seemed rattled, though he was trying to hide it.
“Are you going back to the office tomorrow?” I asked as he wrestled with his neck tie, trying to yank it off.
