He sits back, his brows pulled together, the corner of his mouth lifting in question. “You, of all people, should understand.”
His comment stings just a bit. “You can't do this. Why would you? Especially when you were so awful to me about it? You can't really mean to...”
“Why not?” He gets up and walks around the table, his hands gesticulating as he paces. “We would be together. There's nothing here for me anymore. I'm tired of trying to hide who I am. I want—”
“Brecken. Stop. You can't kill yourself!” I jump up and hurry over to him. “It doesn't work like that. We'd never get to be together. Ever.” I stare hard into his eyes, holding both his hands. “And what about your sisters? They need you.”
He backs away. “No they don't. They don't even like me. They pretty much ignore everything I say. It wouldn't disrupt their lives in any way.”
“Oh, Brecken, it would. You have no idea how much your life impacts theirs. And what about your dad? He needs you. Do you have any idea what this would do to him? First he lost his wife, and then you?” I can’t believe these words are coming from my mouth. They sound so mature, so responsible, tumbling from my hypocritical lips.
He plops down onto the La-Z-Boy, his hands cradling his head. “I'm just so tired.”
I kneel before him, wishing more than anything I could take him in my arms and make him forget his misery. I wish so much I could have met him long ago when I was still alive.
So much opportunity wasted.
“I know, Brecken. I felt the same way once. I truly did.” I try to smooth back his hair, but my fingers brush right through the silken strands, impotent.
He gazes at me, wearing an expression of hopelessness. “I need to go.” He stands, walks to the table, and grabs his car keys. “My aunt is expecting the girls by four.”
CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
~Determined to Die~
Brecken
Brecken can’t believe Alisa's reaction to his plan. He thought she'd be excited, that she'd want to be with him too, on a heavenly plane. But maybe she's right. Maybe it doesn't work like that. But it doesn't make him feel any better. In fact, he feels stupid and embarrassed about the whole thing. He shouldn't have told her. He should have just gone done it and let it be a surprise.
They drive in silence to his aunt's house, Sophie, babbling to herself as she plays with little animal toys. Heidi mostly stares out the window—like always—with a bored expression, ear buds in her ears, music blaring.
“You should turn that down,” he says, waving his hand in front of her face to catch her attention.
She glances at him and shrugs, ignoring his suggestion.
It's typical of the way Heidi treats him. She doesn't like him. She'll be glad he's gone and won't care at all. Sophie is the only one who might feel bad, and he'll miss her and her cute, childish imagination, her sweetness.
Alisa sits in the back with Sophie, not saying anything. What does she know anyway? She can only judge from her own experiences. She has no idea how he feels, what he is going through, what his outcome will be.
He still hasn't broken up with Jill and if he takes himself out now, he won't have to. That would solve one problem. It just doesn't seem important to continue on. His dad doesn't care—as far as he knows. His mom is the only one who truly loved him, and now she is gone.
She never came back to see him after her death, and he fully expected her to. It's a huge disappointment. She knew of his “gifts” and he'd thought for sure, she of all people, would come back. Maybe she didn't love him like he thought. His heart aches with that possibility.
Everything is just too hard. Every morning when he wakes up, it takes monumental effort to get out of bed. His life is falling apart and he's starting to have nightmares again, just like he had as a child.
In these terrifying dreams, he is always on a fiery battlefield, surrounded by hellish fiends, his heart torn with guilt—as though he has betrayed his friends. And the fear...
He doesn't know what he's done to warrant such feelings. He wakes up exhausted and terrified. Brecken hasn't told anyone about the dreams, and he isn't about to. People think he is crazy enough as it is.
No. Suicide is his best option.
His miserable life can end, and Alisa will forgive him just like he forgave her.
CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
~Forever Battling~
Alisa
Brecken doesn't say one word to me after we drop off the girls. We come straight home, and he jumps out of the car, storming toward the house.
“Brecken, wait!” I stand in front of him. “I thought we decided suicide wasn't an option.” I walk toward him as he fingers his keys. His eyes are wet, red, and horribly sad.
“That was your conclusion. Not mine.”
He barrels through me. The rush of him fills me for a split second, but it's long enough to take my breath away, figuratively speaking. Every bit of matter—or whatever souls are made of—melds with him. For a moment, we become one, and that rush consumes my entire being.
I can't help but gasp and fall to one knee. I want to cling to that moment, but before I can even blink, he moves on, and I'm left empty. A vacuum.
Did he feel the same surge? The same emotion? The same... merging? Did he feel anything at all? Dizzy, my mind spins in a million directions.
“Brecken,” I gasp, pulling myself up to face him, feeling like I will hyperventilate at any moment. “I want you to be happy. Of course I'd love to spend forever with you, but the only way to make that happen is for you to live your life and die the right way.”
He searches my face, looking breathless himself. His chest heaves and the pain in his eyes beseeches me to understand. “Maybe this is the right way... for me.” He reaches out, but there is nothing for him to hold but thin air. His hands fall to his sides. “Maybe this is my destiny. Maybe it's supposed to happen like this. Just like you dying was meant to happen so we could meet.”
“Brecken. Listen to what you're saying. I wasn't meant to die. I was meant to live, to get married, and to have a family. I screwed it all up. One-hundred percent. We weren't meant to meet like this.”
His expression falls and he turns away. “Then maybe nothing is meant to be. Maybe there's no purpose and everything's just an accident, and if that's the case, what's the point?”
I don't have an answer. I'm still confused myself. How can I possibly explain life and death when I am just as lost as he is?
Before I have a chance to say anything else, Brecken's cell phone rings. It doesn't take a genius to figure out who it is. I hear her pouty, falsetto voice clear over on the other side of the room.
“Hey, Jill,” Brecken says when he answers. After a pause, he glances over at me. “Uh, I don't know. I'm kind of busy tonight.” He's quiet for a moment. “Yeah, I know. Okay, I guess.”
More jabbering from Jill.
“All right. But only for an hour. Yeah. I think so too.” He holds the phone to his ear with a pained expression, and then glances at me. The conversation continues to drag on.
“No, everything's fine,” he says. “Yeah, okay. Six o'clock. I'll be there. Bye.”
I try not to glare, to not feel jealous or hurt, but if he thinks he can just leave me behind and hang out with his girlfriend...
“So,” he says, glancing at me. “Jill wants me to come over for a little while.” He takes in my expression and hurries to add, “I think it would be a good time to tell her my feelings have changed, and to... break up.”
I cross my arms over my chest, and continue glaring. I agree it's time for him and Jill to break up, and it has to happen sometime, just not tonight. After our conversation earlier, I want to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. And if he is with Jill, only stupid is possible.
“Come on, Alisa. It will only be an hour at the most. Don't be mad. I'm tired of fighting.”
“I'm not mad.”
“Right.”
Sighing, I turn to him. “Fine. Y
ou're right.” I lean my head against the back of the couch, closing my eyes. So tired. So drained.
“After I come home, we'll have the whole evening to talk.”
“After you come home? You honestly think I'm going to let you go alone?” I watch him incredulously. He really thinks I'll just sit here and wait?
“Well, it's kind of a private conversation. No one wants to get dumped in front of an audience.” He walks back out to his car and gets in. I stand beside his window—having followed him like a lost puppy, ready to jump inside too.
“I promise to come home as soon as I can, and I'll tell you all about it. Please let me do this alone.”
A storm rages inside me. All the reasons I should say no are forefront in my mind. I don't trust Jill, and I can't trust Brecken not to be sucked in by her lies. How can I let him go alone? Yet I want him to trust me. There can never be a relationship between us if I don't start showing him that I trust his judgment too.
With a sigh, I agree. I'll let him dump his doofus girlfriend in private, but then he is all mine.
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
~Beginning to Heal~
Alisa
I sit alone, staring at the white, pictureless wall in Brecken's living room. With the girls and Brecken gone, the quiet soon becomes tedious and lonely. Rather than waste time, and since I haven't seen her in a few days, I decide to visit my mom.
A moment later, I'm at her side. She's content, in her bed, her blankets fluffed around her, looking through a photo album. Dark hair hangs lustrously about her shoulders and she wears my red-plaid pajama bottoms with a white tank top.
My clothes.
She robbed my closet, and a warmth I haven't felt in a long time gratifies me. I sit cross-legged next to her on the bed and lean near to see the pictures she's focused on. They are from the last campout we went on the summer before I died. Stately pines make the perfect backdrop to the mountain lake scene. I can almost smell the scent of wild flowers on the remembered breeze.
Most of the photos are of my brothers and me. In one, I hold a trout I caught. It dangles from my fingers, its gills spread wide in death. There are a couple shots of us laughing in a canoe. Two seconds after that picture was taken, Derek tipped us over. An unforgettable water fight had ensued. Such happy memories. Had I been depressed then? I'm not sure, but it doesn't look like it.
My mother probably wonders the same thing. She doesn't look sad though, and she isn't crying. Her clear eyes shine, and her skin glows a healthy pink. She runs her fingers over our faces and smiles.
“I'm here, Mom,” I whisper, touching her shoulder. I want so badly for her to know I'm with her, that I understand, that I don't blame her for anything.
Hearing the sound of feet on the stairs, I turn. Mom's bedroom door bursts open. Tyler lopes to the bed and jumps on, rolling right over me so he can sit next to Mom.
“Hi!” He hugs her waist. “Whatcha lookin' at?”
I pull back, staring at him in surprise. He seems a completely different kid than he was just a few weeks ago.
Mom wraps her arms around him and kisses the top of his head. “Just some pictures. Remember this one?” She points to us in our sleeping bags. “It was such a fun trip.”
A sad expression comes over his face, and his smile turns into a frown. “Yeah, that was fun.” He grabs the remote from the nightstand and flips on the TV. “Want to watch a movie?”
“Sure,” Mom answers.
He searches the list of recorded movies and clicks on the most recent Transformers film. One I'd thought was monumentally stupid, but I snuggle in to watch anyway. Not ten minutes later, my dad comes in carrying my favorite treat in the world.
Hot buttered popcorn.
“I come bearing sustenance,” he exclaims dramatically, and plops down on his side of the bed, placing the giant bowl on Ty's lap. I wish I could smell its salty-butteriness as strongly as I used to. I can sense its wonderful aroma, but it's different from when I had a physical body. In Idir Shaol, I can smell everything—the flowers, trees, shrubbery—but here, my senses are dulled, and I distinctly feel the lack.
For the next two hours, I bask in my family's company and wish Derek were here too. I snuggle by my dad, garnering strength and confidence, and then I move to lean against my mother's shoulder to feel her spirit. She seems happy now, relaxed. Maybe they are on their way to healing... finally.
When the movie ends and Ty has been sent off to bed, I realize how late it is. I jump from the bed, giving my parents a quick peck on the cheek, then focus on Brecken's house. He is probably waiting for me.
I appear at his house instantaneously.
He isn't there.
CHAPTER FIFTY
~Blocked~
Alisa
I check the clock. It's been three hours since Brecken left. Plenty of time to tell her she is wacko and get back home. I should have been here earlier, waiting. I shouldn't have spent so much time with my family.
I focus on Brecken, concentrating on him and only him.
I anticipate re-appearing at Jill's house, but instead I materialize in front of the old rundown house where I saw the unearthly fraternity meeting. He can't be here. I frown and step forward to go through the closed front door.
As soon as I step onto the porch, I smack into an invisible barrier and ricochet back, tripping on the bottom step and falling. This is disturbingly like trying to go over the diamond bridge. The similarity is not lost on me. I try again, but the same thing occurs. An unseeable force blocks my way. I can't go in. Plain and simple.
This has never happened to me on Earth. If Brecken is here, I should be able to go to him. Nothing should stand in my way. My spirit prickles at this new development.
I close my eyes and think of Brecken's face, focusing harder this time, concentrating on the deepness of his eyes, the softness of his full lips—things I shouldn't be thinking of—and close my eyes. I don't feel the familiar tug and pull in my belly, yet I open my eyes, fully expecting to be by his side.
Nope. Nothing.
A deep foreboding fills me. A dark fear. The heaviness of failure.
A sense of urgency stabs at me, and I wrack my mind for a solution, but the harder I try, the emptier my mind becomes, like a sieve losing sand. There has to be a way.
But what?
I'll go straight to the source and find out for myself. Moments later, I stand at Raphael's office door, panicked, pounding on the hard wooden surface.
For the first time, the door doesn't open.
I stare, stunned. A vast, black hole opens inside my chest, and all feelings of hope are sucked into a void of nothing. In despair, I sink to my knees, my hands covering my face, each breath slow and filled with desperation.
Then I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn to see Anaita's brilliantly blue eyes.
“He's not here,” she says. “He won't be back for quite a while. I'm in charge for the time being.” She doesn't smile or offer any other information. Just stands with her hands clasped before her. Cold. Rigid.
She could offer to help, but from the tightness of her lips, the narrowness of her eyes, I know she won't. Brecken could die because of her haughty selfishness. I hate her more in that moment then I ever have before.
“I need Raphael right now!” I cry, feeling pathetic under her stare.
“Sorry. Nothing I can do about that.” Her eyes do not invite me to confide, but who else can I turn to? I need someone, anyone, who knows how things work.
“I can't get to Brecken,” I hurry to explain. “For some reason, I'm... locked out. I need help.” I watch and wait for her to express concern or worry.
She gives me a cold smile and sighs. “Come to my office.”
I follow her down the hall, wishing she'd move faster, but she continues as though we have all eternity to solve my problem. Her office, which is half as big as Raphael's, is much more plush, with fluffy, white pillows sitting on a red velvet couch, and multicolored candles burning on every surf
ace. She walks behind her desk and sits down, ushering me to a chair across from her.
I balance on the edge, ready to fly back to Brecken. “We need to hurry, Anaita. I think Brecken's in serious trouble.”
“Indeed, he is,” she says, not seeming the least bit worried.
I don't have time for niceties. I'm done pretending. “Well? What are you waiting for?”
“You seem to think there's something we should do.” She reclines and steeples her fingers in her lap.
I tamp down the desire to scream, to rip out her condescending eyes, her full, pouty lips. I've already wasted too much time. What if Jill is drinking his blood at this very moment? What if, heaven forbid, he's going forward with his plan to kill himself? What if he's dead already?
“A month ago, you didn't care one whit about his boy. What could possibly have changed?” she asks with a sly smile.
I lean forward, my hands white-knuckled. I refuse to be embarrassed or ashamed. “Please. Help me.”
“First, tell me the truth,” she demands, grinding her teeth and leaning forward also.
“What do you mean? I don't have time for this!”
“You do know what I mean, but please, waste time asking stupid questions.”
Her words bite, but I can only think of Brecken. I'll go through any humiliation to see him again. “Fine. I love him. But I'm sure you're already aware of this. Now will you help me?” I drop my hands from the desk and stand straight, my shoulders squared.
With a tired sigh, Anaita leans back. “Sit down, Alisa. There's nothing you can do for Brecken at the moment.”
“What do you mean?” I sit reluctantly, my heart aching. Why is she stalling? What is wrong with this woman?
“There's a reason you were sent to help Brecken, and it wasn't so you could fall for him, although most bad boys are alluring, aren't they?” She smiles, but it doesn't reach her eyes. “I've always been drawn to them myself.”
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