"I'm not sexist, I'm a bleeder."
Mike started dumping more stuff in a third box. Maddie was still glaring at him, like he was supposed to come up with an answer.
"Okay," Mike said. "I have an idea. Why don't we gather together all the crap we don't want, put it in his bag and dump them both by the dumpster behind the El station? We can claim it on our homeowner's. Badda-bing, badda-boom, he wakes up, takes the El home, we have a nice fat check and we buy stuff we like. Genius, right?"
Maddie snorted. "Badda-bing, badda-boom, we go to jail for insurance fraud and collusion."
"You just have to rain on my brainstorm parade, don't you?" Mike sighed.
Maddie went back to shelving books. "How much time do we have left?"
Mike looked at his watch. "Fifteen minutes."
"Heaven help us," she said, "if my mom finds out what's going on." Then she gave a shudder. Thinking about it, Mike gave a shudder too.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Back at the tavern, Nick and Rio were finishing their steaks, when Taki and Irini walked up, holding the baby carrier.
"Well, look who's here," Irini said. She handed the carrier off to Taki and hugged both of them.
"Thea Irini, look at you. Beautiful as ever." Nick said, kissing her on the cheek.
Thea meant Aunt in Greek. Nick and Maddie were cousins, and Irini always got a kick out of Nick's flattery. She was practically preening.
"Listen to you, such a charming talker," Irini cackled, pinching him on the cheek.
"Pseftis eineh," muttered Taki.
Rio started laughing. She had been around Maddie enough to know that Taki had just called Nick a liar.
Irini glared at Taki. "You could take lessons from him."
Rio interrupted, trying to derail the argument before it started. "Look how big Sophie's getting! Is that a tooth?"
Irini smiled, proudly. "Two teeth. We're already running out of time."
"For what?" Nick asked.
Irini looked at him like he was an idiot. "To get on a waiting list for the right preschool. If little Sophie doesn't get into the right preschool, we can kiss Yale goodbye."
Nick and Rio looked at each other, and Taki rolled his eyes.
"Are you kids going to Maddie's for the big party?" Taki asked.
"Wouldn't miss it," Rio said.
"We should share a taxi. Save some money." Taki said.
Irini was too busy cooing at the baby to say much of anything.
"I'll do you one better," Nick stood up and drained his beer. "It'll be my treat."
As they left the tavern, a taxi was just pulling up to let a group of scantily-clad partygoers out, clutching faux mink coats. They stopped and watched as they shimmied their way past, in wickedly sharp heels and short, sequined dresses.
Irini shook her head. "In my day, women didn't dress like that unless they were professional street walkers."
"More's the pity," Taki muttered.
"Fuck me and call me a duck. I think I just swallowed my tongue," Nick whispered in Rio's ear.
Rio nodded, her eyes glued on the swaying derrieres.
"Hey, lady!" snapped the cab driver. "You people getting in, or what? Meter's ticking."
Irini was the first one to recover from their mini-stupor. "Come on, move it you two. We don't want to be late."
Nick and Rio exchanged a look. Like they were the ones holding everything up.
Within seconds, Irini had managed to not only block their view of the girls, but also shove all of them into the cab. The woman was scarily efficient.
Rio glanced at her watch and hoped that Mike and Maddie were ready for the in-law invasion.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Meanwhile, Mike and Maddie were running around like crazy, getting everything ready for the party. They had finished putting all the non-broken items away, tossing out the broken stuff and vacuuming everything in sight, just in case there were glass splinters anywhere.
Maddie was in the kitchen, getting the cheese platter out of the fridge, when she realized they were out of champagne.
"We can't have New Year's without champagne!" Maddie moaned.
"I'll get my coat," Mike said, swiping a chunk of Swiss.
"Oh, no you don't," she said, appalled. "You are not leaving me alone with Snooz-O the Bandit."
"All right. I'll get your coat."
"Mike! I can't leave. I have to get everything ready for the party. They'll be here any minute."
Mike sighed. "Fine. I'll get the burglar's coat. He can go. He should be back in time for our anniversary."
Maddie glared at him. "You're not helping."
Mike shrugged. "I'm running out of options."
Maddie looked like she was about to smack him with the cheese tray when there was a yell from the bedroom.
Mike and Maddie rushed to the bedroom. The burglar was thrashing on the bed, clearly in the middle of a nightmare. Maddie's makeshift ties were strained to the max, trying to hold him. Her hand reached for the frying pan, but she had left it in the kitchen. She looked around for a weapon, but all she saw was the can of hairspray that Mike had left on the dresser.
Suddenly, the burglar's eyes snapped open.
He looked at them and screamed.
Mike and Maddie screamed back, like a reflex, before they could stop it.
The burglar screamed again.
"Stop." Maddie said, grabbing the can of hairspray off the dresser and holding it out like a weapon. "Stop screaming and no one gets hurt."
Mike dropped into a kung-fu position.
"Don't you make a move," Maddie told the burglar. "He's a black belt in karate."
Mike made a karate-like sound and shifted into a different position.
"What the hell?" The burglar spluttered, pulling at his bonds. Then he looked at them, wide-eyed. "Who the hell are you people?"
Since the makeshift bonds were still holding, Mike cautiously went back to a normal stance. "Since you're the burglar, I believe that makes us the burglees. You're not very good at this, are you?" Mike said. "Ever think about finding another line of work?"
The burglar sniffed. "I used to have a real job. I was a Greyhound bus driver. Until I got fired."
"I can't imagine why," Maddie said, drily.
"Yeah. It was a great two weeks," the burglar sighed. And then he fell asleep and stared snoring again.
Maddie took coats and sweaters out of the closet and used them to cover up the burglar.
"What are you doing?" Mike asked.
"Camouflaging him," Maddie said. "In case my mom pokes her head in here."
"So instead of seeing a tied-up, snoring burglar, she's going to see a snoring mound of clothes? Don't you think she'll know something is up?"
"You're right. We have to gag him." Maddie said.
Mike shook his head. "With the kind of sleep apnea he has? He could choke and die."
Maddie looked at Mike, perplexed. "He's a criminal."
"He's still a person." Mike said.
"No," Maddie said, shaking her head. "All personhood claims went out the window the moment he broke into our place. What if my mom sees him in here? How am I supposed to explain a stranger tied up in our bedroom?"
"Postpartum depression?" Mike said. And then he grinned at her.
The burglar snorted awake, looking at the pile of clothes in confusion. "What the hell? Did a bomb go off in your closet? What the heck is all this stuff? It's like a hundred degrees in here." The burglar said, trying to twist his body free of the mountain of clothes. "Are you trying to kill me?"
"You hush up." Maddie snapped. Then she looked at Mike. "If my parents find him, we're toast. They'll have us packed up and moved out of the city before you can say Happy New Year. They'll sue us for custody of Sophie."
"What are we supposed to do?" Mike asked. "He's a little hard to miss. Even if they don't see him, they're gonna hear him."
"Not if we keep him quiet." Maddie said, trying to figure out how to do that.
Ju
st then, the doorbell rang and Apollo went crazy, barking.
"Happy New Year!" Maddie heard her dad holler through the closed front door.
Maddie felt the blood drain from her face and her stomach clench.
"Maddie, are you okay?" Mike asked.
"No!" Maddie whispered. "I'm either going to pass out or wind up in the hospital with internal bleeding by the time this night is over." Then she glared at the burglar and waved the hairspray can in the air. "You say one word, and I'm gonna knock your teeth out with this can, got it? And it will hurt. Just look at the gash on his head," she added, pointing to Mike.
"Knock, knock. Anyone home?" Maddie's mom yelled.
The burglar looked at the Band-Aid Mike had stuck to his forehead and the bruise that was starting to swell and cringed. "Jeez-Louise, you did that to him?"
"Are you going to let us in? Or should we just stand out here and freeze to death?" Irini hollered.
"Whoever's out there is a drama queen," the burglar said. "That hallway is damn toasty."
"We have the baby with us." Taki reminded them.
Mike looked at Maddie, desperate. "How do you quiet Sophie down when she's teething?"
"I am not about to pull out a boob and plop a felon on it," Maddie said, frowning.
"Hey...!" The burglar said in a lecherous tone, giving her a hopeful look.
"Dream on, Snooz-O," Maddie snapped.
Mike glared at the guy. "Hey! Watch yourself, buddy. This is my wife you're talking to."
Maddie looked at the mess of clothes on the bed and an idea sprung up in her head. "I've got it. Give me a sock. We can stuff it in his mouth."
"Really?" Mike asked, looking faintly nauseated. "A sock? A sweaty, stinky, been-on-my-foot, sock?"
The burglar made a gurgling noise. "Oh, come on. That's just rude. I don't want no Athlete's Foot of the tongue. Can't I just promise? Scout's honor."
Mike perked up. "Cub scouts, Boy scouts, Eagle Scouts?"
"Explorers," he said.
Maddie exploded. "Who cares?! My parents are at the door!"
Not like any of them was apt to forget, as Taki and Irini laid on another round of knocking and doorbell ringing, setting the dog off again.
Maddie turned to the burglar. "One sound and I'm pulling a pair of Mike's dirtiest, stinkiest, used boxers out of the laundry bin. Athlete's Foot Tongue is going to be the least of your worries."
"If you had let me try bondage night, we'd have a ball gag." Mike grumbled.
"And if you had let me go to that gun show, we could have just shot him." Maddie snapped.
Mike shrugged. "Sounds like we have next weekend mapped out."
"Jesus! Who the hell are you people?!" The burglar said, looking at them with an expression of terror.
"We're the people who own your ass," Maddie hissed, glaring at the burglar. Then she turned to Mike. "Wait here. I have an idea."
As Maddie ducked into the bathroom, she heard the burglar pleading with Mike.
"She's mean. If you let me go, I promise I won't tell anyone. I'll even give you your stuff back. Seriously."
Mike looked at him, like he was considering it.
Until the burglar overplayed his hand and turned nasty. "My cousin's a lawyer. I know my rights. You can't keep me here."
"Oh, please." Mike said, laughing. "If you had a lawyer in the family, you wouldn't be stealing our cheese slicer."
Maddie came out of the bathroom, triumphantly waving a bottle of Nyquil. "If this works on him, like it does on me, he'll be out 'til Valentine's Day."
"No way! I hate that taste of that crap!" The burglar protested, struggling against his bonds.
"Knock it off!" Maddie said, glaring at him. Then she pinched his nose shut, poured a shot Nyquil in his mouth and forced him to swallow.
He spluttered and gakked, but he swallowed.
The doorbell rang again.
"Would you open the door already?!" Nick hollered.
"Great. Nick's here too." Mike muttered.
"Unless you're doing something too kinky for the parental units to see." Rio chimed in.
Mike and Maddie looked at each other. Their whole freaking party was out in the hallway.
"What too kinky? Oh, please. I've birthed children. What's left that I haven't seen?" Irini said
Maddie grimaced. This was not how tonight was supposed to go. "Hold on a second," Maddie yelled. "We'll be right there." Then she turned and gave the burglar her best evil eye. "Zip it. I mean it. Or we're talking boxers with tire tracks."
But the Nyquil was already working its magic. The burglar yawned, his eyes drooped, and he started snoring.
"What are we going to do about the snoring?" Mike asked. "Even if we hide his body, the furniture jumping up and down to the tune of a chainsaw is going to be a dead giveaway."
"I've got it," Maddie said. "That APAP machine. We plug it in, hook him up with the mask, and he won't even be able to talk."
"Really?" Mike asked.
"Yeah, I tried it one day. It forces air into you, to keep your airways open. Every time you try to say something, whoosh, the air comes through with more force. It's freaking annoying."
"Brilliant," Mike said. "Is it noisy?"
Maddie shook her head. "Only when the mask's off. Put the mask on him before you turn it on and no one will hear anything."
The doorbell rang again, setting Apollo off on another round of barking.
"Maddie, open this door right now," Taki yelled.
"In a minute!" Maddie yelled back. "I'm getting dressed!"
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
As soon as Mike and Maddie had set up the burglar with the APAP, Maddie rushed to open the front door before Taki broke it down. Her dad may have been old, but he was pounding on that door like its very existence was a personal affront. Thank goodness it was made out of solid wood. Taki would have busted through anything flimsier.
Maddie threw the door open so hard, Mike was afraid the doorknob was going to bang a hole in the plaster. It was almost scary seeing how fast Maddie went from ruthless burglar-napper to slightly hyper, overly sweet hostess. She had everyone through the door and into the apartment before Mike even got from the bedroom to the couch.
Irini walked in, sniffing. "That certainly took you long enough. We thought you had been eaten by that beastly dog."
Apollo sat down and wagged his tail.
"You should put that thing in a shelter," Irini said, taking off her fur coat. "Especially now, with the baby."
Maddie rolled her eyes at me. "We love our dog, ma."
"Typical American bullshit," Taki said. "Putting pets before people in this country."
"Because they deserve to be," Mike said, earning a glare from Irini. "You don't see dogs starting wars or swindling people out of their savings."
"You know what your pets think of you?" Irini snapped. "They think that if you wake up dead some day, at least they'll still get a few good meals out of you."
"You can't wake up dead, ma." Maddie said. "It's physically impossible."
"Don't be a smart aleck," Irini said.
Taki put the baby carrier on the couch, and Nick and Rio made a beeline for the food trays.
Taki looked at Mike's forehead. "What happened to you? Is my little girl beating you up?"
"No," Mike said, looking nervous. "I walked into a door."
"That's what they all say," Rio snorted, as she spread Brie on a cracker.
Irini took her fur coat and opened the hall closet before Maddie could stop her. And then she closed the door with a gasp before anything could fall on her head.
"What is wrong with you?" she asked Maddie. "That closet's a fire hazard. Is that how I taught you to clean? Hide everything and hope no one needs to use the closet?"
"No, ma. It's just, with the baby and all, it's hard to find time to..."
Irini glared at her and Maddie's argument trailed off into a whimper. "I found time to clean when you were a baby. And I still keep my house clean
. You come to my house, you can eat off the floor."
"Ma, you have a housekeeper," Maddie pointed out. "We can't afford that.
"So? What are you trying to say? That I don't do anything?" Irini's eyes narrowed. "Someone's got to supervise."
"Your mom didn't have a maid when you were little," Taki said.
"That's right." Irini crowed. "And I still found time to be a proper wife to both my husband and my house. That's why they call it housewife. You're not only married to your husband, you're also married to the house. What are you doing that you're too busy to call a maid service? You can't be making the sex all the time."
Rio almost choked on a laugh but when she caught Maddie's annoyed look, she quickly turned it into a cough.
Irritated, Irini headed for the bedroom with her coat.
Maddie sprinted for the bedroom door, hurdling over a small ottoman that was in her way, managing to beat Irini to the door. She tried to lean casually in front of it, but she was panting, so that kind of destroyed the illusion.
"Where are you going?" Maddie asked.
"To hang up my coat," Irini said to her, slowly and clearly, as if she was speaking to a foreigner.
"Don't be ridiculous. You're the guest. I'll hang up your coat." Maddie said.
She grabbed for the coat, but Irini snatched it away.
"I'll hang up everybody's coat." Maddie said, looking at Mike with a desperate smile.
Taking his cue, Mike started grabbing coats as he made his way to her side.
Irini gave Maddie a narrow-eyed, appraising look. "You're not taking diet pills again, are you? They'll poison your breast milk. That's definitely not good for the baby."
"No," Mike said. "Why would she be taking diet pills? Don't be ridiculous."
"She's acting nervous." Irini said.
"Please, Ma. If I was taking diet pills, would I still look like this?" Maddie stuck out her stomach pooch, making it look even bigger.
Then she snatched the coats from Mike, put on a wide smile for Irini, and held out her arms for Irini to put her coat on top.
"Don't be ridiculous," Irini said, still clutching her coat. "You're loaded down. You could fall and hurt yourself."
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