Between the Pain

by Gia Riley

  AS I PARK MY CAR, I’m immediately flooded with memories of my sexual tryst on the stairs of the garage. I don’t cry. Instead, I smile and laugh and even decide to take the stairs down to the first level. Once I reach the exact spot where we stood, I take out my black marker and draw a heart on the wall with our initials inside. Aware that I am currently vandalizing the wall of the building, I laugh to myself and decide that once again, the reward is much greater than the risk of being caught. Instead of feeling nervous, I feel slightly liberated.

  I walk into the locker room, remembering my sexy make-out session inside the door, and smile another time. Embracing the moments of joy instead of dwelling on the pain is proving to be exactly what I need. Alex was right. Focus on the positive and keep on trucking. I’d like to say I had an equally rewarding experience when I was on the clock and at my station. The first glimpse my co-workers have of me, they go silent. With all eyes on me, I duck my head and attempt to sign into my computer as I hide behind the flat-screen monitor.

  My email account has been maxed out with all of the messages I’ve missed by being off. I delete most of them and save the ones from Sean, Jennifer and Amie. I also notice I have one from the Board of Trustees. Clinking on it, I read the text and am immediately filled with dread. It turns out they are establishing a scholarship to the hospital’s medical school in Ryan’s name. Each year, one lucky freshman will get to attend the nursing program free of charge in his name. This is an incredible way to honor Ryan’s memory, but I’m also being asked to present the scholarship to this year’s recipient on behalf of the Emergency Medicine Department. I won’t be alone, since each department will have a representative, but it was voted on while I was on my leave of absence. The staff collectively voted for me to honor him at the banquet. At least now I know why everyone was staring at me when I came in. They must be waiting for my impending meltdown to begin.

  I’m definitely nervous and anxious, but in my new quest to remember Ryan instead of drowning in all that I’ve lost, I will accept. Typing my response, I thank them for their gracious votes and start to feel a little choked up. After making my rounds to my first patient’s bedside, I see Amie and Sean whispering in the break room with Amie’s hands waving every which way animatedly. Walking into the room, they both halt their conversation and put smiles on their faces.

  “You two okay in here? Looked like an intense conversation from where I was standing,” I ask them. I don’t miss the pleading look that passes from Amie to Sean as they turn toward me and smile. Very fake smiles I might add. Something is definitely going on. My spidey sense is on high alert.

  “Hey, Hallie. Great to see you back at work. I really missed you. We were just discussing a patient of mine. Nothing to worry about,” Amie assures me.

  “Who said I was worried? Should I be worried, Amie?” I ask her quickly before she has time to think of a quick comeback.

  Sean takes this opportunity to jump in and save her. Why I’m not quite sure. Maybe they have something going on? If that’s the case, I seriously don’t want to know anyway. She mentioned her husband was a bit of a bore but I didn’t peg her for the cheating kind, especially at work. I even told her Sean used to flirt with me before I got with Ryan. Now I feel awkward and decide to just drop it and head back to work. Just because he used to flirt with me doesn’t mean he still has a thing for me.

  Sean and I did have a nice conversation at Ryan’s memorial service where he apologized for upsetting me the night of Ryan’s death. I told him I understood he was just trying to do his job and look out for me. He told me it went beyond doing his job and how he valued our friendship. I thanked him and told him I felt the same way. I honestly don’t remember our entire conversation that day. Maybe he did mention Amie to me, and I was zoned out, not hearing him entirely. My emotions were all over the place, my eyes were swollen and my skin red and blotchy. By the time I arrived home, I passed out and slept the rest of the day. Stress will do that to you.

  “Hallie we were….” Sean begins to say before I cut him off. “No, it’s fine. None of my business, sorry. I have to get back to my patients anyway. Talk to you both later,” I say as I zip right back out the door realizing how out of place I feel around here now that I’m back. Life goes on and I didn’t expect things to be at a standstill, but I was hoping my two closest friends would welcome me back with a little more enthusiasm. They both called me a few times while I was home; I guess I read more into that than I should have.

  I finish the rest of my shift with only a few tears sneaking out after talking to my co-workers off and on throughout the night. For as nervous as I was, I think I did pretty damn well. Granted, I didn’t eat since my stomach is in a knot, but I think Alex will still be proud of my accomplishment. Even my patient load was pretty manageable. I’ve yet to venture back into the trauma rotation, which is one aspect of my job that will take some time to get used to again. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over worrying about someone I love being wheeled through the doors again.

  THE DAYS AND MONTHS CONTINUE to fly by as I get reacquainted with the single life. It’s now been almost six months since Ryan’s passing. I still have dreams off and on but I would never consider them nightmares. The only dream that occasionally haunts me is the one about being in the trauma bay with Ryan. That particular memory is impossible to shake along with the uneasy feelings that went along with it. I work it out by writing in my journal so before long; I find myself feeling a little better about my emotions.

  It’s the day of the scholarship dedication ceremony at the hospital. I decide to start the day off by taking a run to the cemetery to visit with Ryan. I’d like to say I’ve been there often, but this is my first official visit. I tried one time shortly after his funeral, but never made it inside the cemetery before I bolted.

  The day is tranquil with a bright blue, sunny sky as I walk around looking for his headstone. I know the general idea of where he’s buried from my first attempt. It was the ground being torn up around his plot that set me over the edge that day. Today, the earth is even and the grass has grown in nicely. I see his name and stop. I sit down in front of his stone and blankly stare at the words in front of me. I’m surprisingly calm given the circumstances. Since I’m not sure if he can hear the thoughts running through my mind, I decide to talk to him instead. I begin with something simple. “Hey Ry, it’s me, Hallie. I’m really sorry it took me so long to come see you. You’re girl is a coward when it comes to the serious shit. I’ve been missing you more than you can even imagine. It took me awhile to get back to work, but I’m trying really hard to start living again. Please don’t think that means I’m forgetting you. I promise I’ll never stop loving you. I know I can’t love you the way I did when we were together, Ryan, but I swear you’ll always be in my heart. Alex made me realize I can still love you from Heaven. That one day I’ll see you again and I’ll know what it feels like to be in your arms again.” I have to stop and catch my breath as I wipe away a few tears before I can continue. “I don’t want you to see me crying all the time. For you, I want to be brave and live for the both of us. You were robbed of so much, and I want to do things that would make you feel proud.” I hesitate before telling him my next idea. Once I say it, it’ll be real and I’ll have no choice to go through with it. “I’ve decided to keep my promise. I’m going to try to sing on stage just like you wanted me to. I’ll do it for you but I’ll also do it for me. So, if you hear me singing, listen really hard and if I suck, promise you’ll still tell me, you know, when I see you again. I love you, Ryan,” I whisper as I kiss my fingers and place them over his name carved into the granite. Slowly, I stand back up, walking slowly to my car, feeling a little less weight resting on my shoulders. I hold my head higher and genuinely smile for the first time in a very long time. I’m pretty sure Ryan will always hold a piece of my heart, but I also know I still have a lot to live for.

  I’M SHOWERED AND READY TO go by the time Alex and Tanner arrive as my dates for the ev
ent tonight. While I’m nervous to stand in front of a bunch of strangers and accept the scholarship, I also know there isn’t any place I’d rather be.

  “Hallie, you look very pretty tonight,” Tanner tells me as he hugs me and kisses my cheek.

  “Thanks for coming with me tonight. It means a lot to me. Sorry you both have to take a chick as your date. I’m sure there are a million other things you would rather be doing with Alex tonight. None of which are PG,” I say with a smile as I adjust his bow tie.

  “Don’t you worry about us. He’s been getting his fair share.”

  “I don’t doubt that. Come on sexy men. Let’s get going.” I grab my clutch, tossing in my lip gloss and cell phone as we head out the door.

  The atmosphere in the auditorium of the hospital is somber but also packed with a lot of promise. Promise for a future that will honor one of the greatest guys so many have had the pleasure to know, whether it be through a personal connection or through a brief hospital stay. Ryan was loved by many. I sit patiently and listen to the others speak about him. I’m eerily reminded of the memorial service that had a similar vibe.

  When it’s my time to get up to speak, I decide not to read the speech I prepared and instead speak from my heart. The giant screen displaying photos of his life as I talk is a sweet touch but incredibly emotional so I keep my eyes off of it the whole time. “I was just sitting here realizing I don’t even have a picture of me with Ryan to frame. We didn’t know each other long enough to exchange gifts for a holiday, stand next to the Christmas tree or under the mistletoe. Instead, we shared a few blissful weeks getting to know one another both inside and outside of work as we shared our passion for nursing and music. I felt more alive in those few weeks than I ever have. For the first time in my life, I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I’ll never regret what we shared because as most of you know, Ryan is the kind of person you feel lucky to have come into your life. His spirit will bounce around the halls of this hospital and our hearts for a long time to come. I’m honored to have known him and blessed to have been loved by him. My wish for the student who benefits from this scholarship is for them to carry on his ability to see the best in every person he meets. I want the recipient to take full advantage of what it means to be awarded the Ryan Andrews Scholarship of Nursing Excellence. Thank you.” I gather my papers and head back to my seat feeling relieved and a little lighter.

  When the ceremony is over, we mingle with the other guests and bump into Amie and Sean who are once again standing together and whisper talking. I still have no idea what to make of these two. She tells me nothing is going on and to drop it. He is cordial to me during work hours but slightly cold. He’s texted me a few times to ask how I was doing, but I assume he’s just in social worker mode making sure I’m not locked up in a closet crying my eyes out or something.

  “Hi guys. I’m glad you both came tonight,”

  “You’re speech was really nice,” Amie says.

  “Thanks. Are you both going to Shorty’s for the after party?” Some of the younger staff members and friends of Ryan all decided it would be fun to make some new memories in his honor while having some drinks and dancing. Tonight is to celebrate.

  In unison, they both tell me they are and then look at each other and laugh. Apparently they’re also finishing each other’s sentences. How adorable. I don’t know why this makes me slightly jealous, but it does.

  “Well, we will see you both there then,” I say as I spin on my heel and head toward the nearest exit. The sudden tension I feel coupled with the need to flee are only escalated when Sean grabs my arm and looks into my eyes. He quickly lets go of me when he registers what he just did.

  “Hallie, can we talk for a minute before we leave?” he asks.

  “Sean, I kind of just want to get out of here. Can we talk about this later tonight? Maybe after a drink or three.”

  Sensing my discomfort, he simply nods his head, puts his hands in his pockets and says, “yeah, sure. That sounds good. We can talk later.”

  I feel like a bitch but I want to get out of here and I’m in no mood to find out about his affair with a married woman right now. I need something a lot stronger than this bottle of water they were handing out to survive a conversation like that one. If he asks me to keep his dirty little secret quiet, he has another thing coming. I’m a loyal friend but I also don’t support infidelity.

  “What was that all about?” Alex asks looking as confused as I feel.

  “I wish I knew. Those two are up to something. I just haven’t figured it all out yet. He wanted to talk to me, but I told him it’ll have to wait until later.” We head to the car and make our way to Shorty’s where I’ll attempt to do my third grand gesture of the day.

  Shorty’s is packed tonight and the music seems extra loud since I haven’t been here in several months. This place holds a lot of memories for me and I wanted to make sure the next time I came here I was in the right frame of mind so I didn’t end up a drunken, sloppy mess hanging on a guy for the sake of comfort. I spot Luke, the manager, and make my way over to him.

  “Hey Hallie, glad to see you here. It’s been awhile. What can I do for you?” he asks.

  “Well, for starters, I need about ten drinks and then I want to maybe sing a song.” I squeeze the shit out of my clutch with my death grip waiting for his reaction.

  “You sing?” he asks me with his eyebrow cocked up in an attempt to appear interested in this little factoid.

  “I do. Well at least I think I can. I’ve never actually performed in front of people before. I may very well suck, Luke, but I made a promise to Ryan that I would do a duet with him one night. With your permission of course. Since that can’t happen anymore, I still wanted to keep my word and sing something. I think it would be good for me to feel like I came through, even if I’m scared shitless. It’s all part of my healing process.” I say, shrugging my shoulders.

  “Hallie, I think you should do it if you really want to. I do advise you not to worry about how you sound when you hear your voice come out of the speakers for the first time. Just go with it. You aren’t trying to become a pop star tonight. Focus on your goal and have some fun with it. We do karaoke here all the time, so the other patrons won’t think twice about someone randomly hopping up on the stage before the main act starts up. I would like to introduce you though. Let everyone know your intentions and warn them to be supportive, just in case. Will that make you feel better?”

  “Definitely, let’s do this!”

  At the bar and guzzle the beer Tanner has waiting for me. I then order two shots of tequila pouring them down my throat in rapid succession only gagging slightly from the burn. I feel it warm my body as it makes its way into my stomach. I realize I just committed a legendary drinking rule foul. Beer before liquor, never sicker. Alex is looking at me like I have three heads since I never do shots of the hard stuff, let alone tackle tequila. I simply flash him my signature smile and walk myself over to the stage, in a straight line. Alex may have to carry my drunken ass out of here later if I keep up this pace. He has no idea what I’m up to right now either.

  Three steps shy of my destination, I notice Sean staring at me from his stool at a high top table. Feeling fuzzy yet confident, I blow him a kiss. I’ll regret that later. He laughs at me and continues to watch my every move. I hear Luke announcing my name as I take the microphone from him and say a silent prayer that I remember all the words to my song. Damn tequila. I hear a few catcalls from the audience and cheers of encouragement all around.

  “Hey everyone! I’m a little bit drunk and a whole lot ready to sing you a song. I made a promise to Shorty’s own Ryan Andrews that I would perform a duet with him on this very stage. Tonight, I am here to make good on my promise as we celebrate his life. Please bear with me. I’ve never done this before.” Clearing my throat, I take a deep breath and begin the first line of Gravity by Sara Bareilles. The lyrics pour out of me like I’m weightless and floating around the roo
m. I’m baring every inch of my soul on this stage right now, completely open and fragile to my emotions. Instead of running from them, I let them push me along through the melody and into each verse. By the time I say the very last word; I open my eyes and see the stunned expressions before me. A few people are crying, some others are hugging and everyone is clapping. I get a standing ovation. It’s in this exact moment that I feel another piece of my love for Ryan drift up to Heaven to be with him, still never letting him go, but letting myself live.

  I hand the microphone back to Luke and hop off the stage. Alex meets me halfway, picking me up and twirling me around. “You were amazing, Hallie! I had no idea you had a voice like that. Will you sing at my wedding?” he asks.

  Laughing I tell him, “Alex unless you got engaged in the last fifteen minutes, I think I have time to think about it. Does Tanner know you’re ready for marriage?”

  “Well you were the shit and I get first dibs,” he says as he walks back to the bar where he has a drink waiting for me. This one doesn’t look like anything crazy. Thinking it’s probably just juice I take a big sip.

  “Whoa, easy there killer. Small sips,” he says patting my back as I cough.

  “What is this? This is good. It’s not juice though,” I ask as I take a few more sips.

  “It’s a Bahama Mamma. Drink up! We are celebrating your chops and how kick ass you were up there. I had no idea you could do that. Seriously, you blew me away, Hallie. I’m really proud of you.”