Liquid Regret

by M. J. Carnal

  Chapter 15

  Rely on me, let me lead. Take my hand, you will be freed.

  I’d die for you, you are my flesh. Take my soul and we’ll start fresh.

  Take the chance, our blood aligned.

  The world before us, the past behind. – Liquid Regret

  I can’t wait to see Xander. We’ve spent the last three days skyping and talking about how life will be different when I’m finally home. We’ve been back on the road for a week. I miss Mia like mad but I miss him just as much. He’s never spent more than a few hours with me. When I’m settled, I’ll fight Claire for joint custody. It’s time to be a grown up. It’s time to settle down, have a family, and finally be a whole person. Xander has always been a source of joy. It’s time I’m the same for him.

  “You think she’ll like me?” His voice cracks. Puberty is a bitch. I remember every bullshit detail like it was yesterday.

  “She already does.” I can’t help but smile.

  “Your dad’s whipped.” Chance settles in the seat next to me. “But she’s hot. You’ll be proud of him.”

  “You landed someone hot?” Xander’s question is a joke but it’s so convincing, my jaw drops.

  Even Joshua laughs. The guys are constantly busting my balls about being a pussy. I really am. I know Harley loves Della but he seems so manly about it. I’m a lovesick puppy. I need a swift kick in the nuts. Just hard enough to dislodge my brain from my dick so I can start thinking like a man.

  “We’re pulling in to our hotel. We’ve got two shows in Arizona and a quick trip through Vegas before we head back. Hug your mom.”

  Xander smiles at me. “Love you, Dad.”

  My heart absolutely melts every time I hear that. See? Somehow Harley would make that shit sound manly. Me? Nope. I want to squeal like a girl. Christ, I’m losing it.

  As the bus stops, I stretch my legs. I’m not going to miss this part of the job. I’m getting tired. I want my car. I want my own shit around me.

  “D, text me Mia or Laney’s number. Della’s not answering her phone. I want to see if they’re with her.” Harley grabs his bag and heads toward the door. “It’s late and I can’t find her.”

  My forehead wrinkles. That’s not normal. I shoot Harley the text and dial Mia’s number. It goes right to voicemail. I leave her a quick message and follow him off the bus. Joshua is handing out keycards and barking orders at the bellhops. Max is slipping them hundreds and leading everyone into the lobby. It’s always chaos until we’re inside and behind locked doors.

  My phone rings and scares me. Mia’s picture stares back at me. “Hey, baby.”

  “Hi.” She’s giggling and I can hear Laney giving her shit. “I didn’t think I’d hear from you tonight. It’s late.”

  “Have you seen Della?” My voice must make her pause. She shushes Laney.

  “No. Why?” It’s quiet now.

  “Griff can’t get in touch with her.”

  “I had a missed call from her a few hours ago. I’ll try to call her.” She mumbles something to Laney.

  “If you can’t get her on the phone, could you run by there? I know we’re just being paranoid but with everything going on, I’d just sleep better knowing everyone’s ok.”

  “Of course. I’ll call you back. Love you, Damien.” She hangs up and I instantly miss her.

  I take a long shower and order room service. There’s nothing on TV. I haven’t heard back from Mia and it’s been an hour. I crawl under the covers and try to wait her out. My eyes are heavy. I’m losing the battle to stay awake. No news is good news I tell myself as I give in to sleep.

  I’m startled awake. I’m completely disoriented. What’s that noise? I check my phone but there’s nothing. I sit up and take a deep breath. The pounding starts again.

  I jump out of the bed and almost rip the door off its hinges. I’m ready to kill whoever’s decided to wake me up. One look at Joshua and I’m backing up and letting him in. His eyes are rimmed with red, his face completely void of color.

  He points at my bed. “Sit down.” His voice cracks. He’s in pain.

  “What the fuck’s wrong?” I can’t sit down. I’ve never seen Joshua like this. “What’s happening?”

  He takes a deep breath and it shakes. Fuck. I know I should sit. I’m frozen in place. The room is starting to blur. The only thing I can see is Josh struggling to find the words he needs. My hands start to shake as he grabs my arms. He leads me back to the bed and sits. I don’t know what else to do so I give in and sit next to him.

  “I just got a call from Lex.”

  My brain is spinning. Lex should be guarding Della. We leave him home because he’s the most menacing of the all the security guards we have. Della. He should be guarding Della. Panic sets in. “Fucking say it!” I scream. My voice sounds foreign. I think I know before he says anything else. I can feel it in my bones. Dred is a powerful force. I’m clawing my way out of a black hole, trying to catch my breath. Trying to hear Joshua. Trying to wake up from this nightmare.

  A tear runs down Joshua’s cheek. I just shake my head no. “He said the girls showed up and wanted to get in the house. He’d been there all night, making rounds. Doing what we fucking pay him to do. He was right fucking there. Outside and didn’t know it was happening.”

  I can’t stop shaking my head. I don’t know what’s happening. I can’t make sense of this. “She’s ok.” I chant it. If I say it enough, it’ll be true.

  “Laney found her on the kitchen floor. She’d tried to call for help. They tried everything. It was just too late.”

  I crumple onto the floor. I can’t breathe. My tears flood my face and chest. I feel helpless. It’s agony.

  “Where’s Griff?” I need to get to him. I try to stand but my legs give out. Max and Chance are in the doorway. They’re just standing there. “Somebody do something.” I punch the floor over and over. I can’t even feel it. I’m completely numb.

  “Stop.” Max grabs me and holds me prisoner against him. “You have to stop.”

  I struggle to get free but it’s wasted. He’s too strong and I’m completely out of my mind. “Stop fucking holding me down. I need to get to Harley. Get off me.”

  Chance kneels in front of me and puts his hands on my shoulders. “We need to tell him together. We’re his family. He’ll need us.”

  I crumple to the floor again when Max lets go. My heart is shattered. I know it needs to be me. I’m the one that needs to tell him. He’s my family. She’s my family. I beg myself to wake up. Please just wake up.

  Chapter 16

  I can’t stop shaking. My hands are covered in blood. The house is full of people. The EMTs have tried to convince me to come with them but I’m too terrified to move. Laney is across from me, wrapped in a blanket. She’s crying. Her scream echoes through my head. I’ll never forget it.

  “Let us in. She’s not answering her phone.” Laney flirts with Lex and he finally gives in. “I promise, we won’t tell.”

  “Did it ever cross your mind that she might not want to talk to you?” Lex smirks when she flips him the bird.

  “Let’s just make sure she’s ok. I want to call Damien and tell him everything’s fine.” I push past both of them. The house is completely still.

  “Of course everything is ok. I’ve been here all night.” Lex flips on the lights in the foyer.

  My first thought is how amazing the house is. I’m greeted by granite and hardwoods and big windows. Pictures line the wall leading up to the second floor. Everything is open. It feels like home. My second thought scares me. It’s completely silent. There aren’t any lights on. Maybe she’s not home. She has some girlfriends that she’s always going out with.

  “She’s not home. Now we’re just invading her privacy.” I shiver. “It’s cold in here.”

  Laney walks through the living room. She’s always been a snoop. I turn around and look at Lex. His eyes are wide and he’s scanning the doorframe. He turns the deadbolt and pulls but the door stays
shut. He pulls the door open and looks at the lock from the outside. I just shrug. Men are weird anyway. Add muscles and a gun and they lose their minds.

  Laney’s scream rips through the house. It echoes off the walls. I try to run but it’s like my feet are stuck in quicksand. Lex shoves past me at a full sprint. When I round the corner, I scream. There’s blood everywhere. The white carpet is stained crimson. I can see handprints. I freeze in place.

  Lex is yelling at Della to wake up. Laney is staring wide eyed at the kitchen floor. She grabs her phone and dials 911. Her words are frantic. It’s like a dream. Everything echoes. Nothing makes sense.

  “Don’t touch anything!” Lex yells at us and turns his attention back to Della. “God damnit, Del. Wake up.”

  Like I’ve been shocked, I jolt awake. I’m moving before I realize it. I run into the kitchen, pushing Laney out of the way. I kneel next to Lex and without saying anything, we start CPR. There’s so much blood. Every time I do a chest compression, my hands get soaked. Everything is in slow motion.

  The room fills with police, first responders, security guards. Some I recognize, some I don’t. Arms wrap around my waist and pull me away from Della’s body. I kick and scream trying to get back to her. I can help. She’s not gone. I’m carried to the couch by one of the officers. He’s asking me questions but I can’t hear him. I keep staring at my hands. They’re bathed in blood. I wipe them on my pants but I can’t get it all off.

  I hear the police on their radios. They’re calling in the scene. No evidence of forced entry. Multiple stab wounds. I hear them call Della a victim. Dead at the scene. I don’t understand any of it. I lean forward and throw up at my feet. My stomach lurches, my head spins. I can hear Laney screaming in the background. Lex is on the phone. I try to speak but my stomach rolls again and I empty what’s left onto the carpet.

  A female police officer sits with me and wipes blood from my face. She rubs my back and tells me it will be ok. Nothing will ever be ok again.

  I look up from my hands and watch them carry Della’s body from the house. The house is buzzing with activity. I want to run out of here. I want to wash my hands. The blood is caked dry now.

  “Ma’am”. I look at the police officer. I didn’t realize she was still here.

  “We need you to come down to the station with us. We have some questions.”

  I just nod my head and follow her to the front door. Lex makes eye contact. He’s haunted. I know I must look the same. He takes my hand and follows me out the door. Laney is being led out by another officer. I watch as the ambulance pulls away. The lights go on but the siren stays off.

  I duck into the back seat of the police cruiser. Lex is right behind me. He puts his arm around me and pulls me to him. I break. The tears won’t stop. My body is shaking uncontrollably. He kisses the top of my head but says nothing. The sound of my crying is the only noise the entire ride. I’m scared. I’m tired. I’m freezing. I want Damien home.

  I’m ushered through the station to a small room in back. When Lex tries to follow me, the officer holds up her hand. “We just need to ask her some questions. I’ll let you know when we’re finished.”

  “Not good enough. She’s my priority. She’s my assignment now. You’ll have to let me in with her or we’re leaving.” Lex is menacing. All six and a half feet of him. The first time I saw him at the concert in LA, he scared the hell out of me. Seeing him tonight is no different.

  “I don’t understand.” I don’t know what I could possibly tell the police that would make any difference. I don’t need a bodyguard.

  “I spoke to Joshua. He wants me with you until they can get back here. We’ve sent a guard out to Oksana as well. Until we know what happened, we’re taking every precaution to keep you both safe.”

  “I thought Harley was the one being threatened.” I wipe my tears away and gag when I realize my hands are still covered.

  “He was. We’ve increased our presence at the hotel. I’m sure he knows by now. Max and Damien are in the spotlight too. We can’t take any chances with you or Oksana.”

  “This can’t be happening.” I put my head down on the table.

  Lex touches my arm and I jump. “I’m sorry. I just want you to know I’m here if you need me.”

  “I need Damien.” I grab for my cellphone but it isn’t in my pocket. “Where’s my phone?”

  “Now isn’t the time. Joshua said he was destroyed by the news. We’ll get him home to you as soon as we can. Let’s just answer their questions and get out of here.”

  Time stood still. I’ve heard that phrase a million times in my life. I never knew what it meant until tonight. Nothing feels real. I don’t even remember the questions they asked me. Before I knew it, Lex was leading me out to the car the band sent to pick me and Laney up. I had no idea what time it was. I didn’t know where we were going. I’m wrapped around Laney. I’m so cold.

  The sun breaks over the top of the buildings of the city. I can’t even comprehend how a new day has come. Life ended for someone beautiful last night. I don’t know how we just go on.

  “Where are we going?” Laney’s voice breaks.

  Lex points to the Hollywood Hills sign. I take the first deep breath I’ve taken since going into Della’s house last night. Even heartbroken and miles away, Damien is making sure I’m safe. “It’s ok. We’re almost there,” I whisper and pull her back into me.

  When we pull into the driveway, Steve jogs off the porch to meet us. He opens the back door and takes me in his arms. He doesn’t speak. Just carries me into the house and holds me on the couch as I break in two. Lily is down the stairs and by my side in seconds. The love of my family surrounds me. I’ve gone through the worst night of my life and they’re all here to remind me how much they love me. My eyes are heavy and I rest my head against Steve’s chest.

  My hands are being cleaned. I don’t have the energy to care. I can hear voices. A lot of them. The warm cloth brushes my face. I sigh.

  “I’m going to give her something to help her sleep.” The voice is angelic. I know I’ve heard it before. It’s one of Lily’s friends. I feel a needle stick me in the arm. My eyes roll back and my head swims.

  “Steve, grab Laney and take her upstairs. I’ve got Mia.” I’m lifted from the couch.

  I force my eyes open. It’s hard to focus but the gray eyes that stare back at me are warm. “Kevin.” My voice is quiet. I feel like I’m falling into nothingness.

  “It’s ok. I’m taking you upstairs. We’ll all be here when you wake up. Sleep now, doll.”

  Before I fall into sleep, I smile. My sister has found a life here with Steve and his friends. This house used to belong to Mark Moretti and his wife before Steve bought it for Lil. It’s filled with love. It’s filled with hope. It’s filled with family. I desperately try to hold on to that as my mind turns black and I’m surrounded by nothing.

  The last thing I remember before the static is Laney’s scream and how I will never be the same.

  Chapter 17

  Darkness, sorrow, I scream your name

  The life that we knew will not be the same. – Liquid Regret

  I stand completely motionless. I’m emotionally and physically drained. I’m about to do the hardest thing I’ve ever done. As soon as he opens the door, he’ll know. There would never be any reason for all of us to show up at his hotel room door in the middle of the night. I tried to convince the others to stay behind but no one thought I could do this on my own. They’re probably right.

  I can’t breathe. I knock on the door praying he won’t hear it. I just want to buy a few more seconds. Just a couple. Just enough for them to call and tell me this has all been a huge mistake. It has to be.

  I hear the door unlock. My whole life stops. I can tell he’s been awake worrying. His eyes meet mine and his face falls. I can’t feel my feet but I know I’m moving into his room. It’s like being in the middle of a nightmare and praying to wake up. He’s just staring at me, shaking his head no. Ha
ve I said anything yet? Joshua grabs my arm and I take a deep breath.

  “Harley.” My voice cracks.

  “No.” He shakes his head, tears forming in his eyes. “No. No.”

  “Lex called. I’m so sorry, man. I’m so fucking sorry.” I break.

  He breaks. He hits his knees, a tortured scream erupts from his throat. It’s raw and the most haunting sound I’ve ever heard. I crawl to him and pull him into my chest. I don’t remember anything else. People are talking, the band is all around us. Joshua is on his phone. But I hear nothing. I feel nothing. I’m a black hole, endless, empty.

  The tour bus feels like a distant memory. The label sent the jet to pick us up. Our lives are all over the media. I heard the story in the limo, the pilot was whispering about it, Joshua can’t get off his fucking phone about it. I want to scream. I want to fight. I want something to numb me. Anything. A pill, a needle, a bottle.

  My hands are shaking. I haven’t felt this in years. I’m picking at my fingers. It’s my old tell and now I can’t stop it. They have Harley drugged up. He’s crumpled into his chair across from me. I begged them not to use anything on him but he screamed he needed to be numb. It was agony to watch. Not just because I’m scared for him but because I wanted it too. Della was his world. How do you come back from this? How do you get up every morning and keep living?

  “The press will be everywhere when we land. They’ve increased security at the airport. We want to get you through the crowd and to the limos as fast as we can. We need to protect Harley. Cover him with a jacket, surround him. Whatever. Do not let them near him.” Joshua doesn’t even look up from his phone. I know he’s trying to be strong.

  “And if we can’t wake him up?” Max shakes him a little but Harley barely moves.

  “We’ll have a guard on each side. We’ll carry him if we have to. No pictures of his face. No fuel for their stories.” Josh growls.