A gentle pinch against my side was his only response. My stomach fluttered at how easy life was with him. I could get used to this. If forever was filled with moments like these then I understood why everyone was so obsessed with it, why some would even dedicate their whole lives to obtaining it.
“What? You aren’t in the mood for some stars?” Jeremy asked playfully.
I laughed nervous, and my body shook from the aftereffects of the memory. I took a deep breath and gave him a shaky smile. “Tonight? I’d rather avoid them.”
“As long as I’m spending time with you, I don’t really care what we do.”
“Oh, how very cheesy of you, Jeremy.”
“I’m putting out all the stops for you tonight, Everly, you just wait and see.” He promised, his cheeks widening from how much he was smiling.
“But it’ll just be fun right? With everything going on with Lio, I don’t think it would be smart to start anything serious.”
“Yeah,” he said, kissing me hard and deep. I leaned my body into his, my feet finally hitting solid ground again. “Just fun. It’s senior year, Ever, isn’t that what it’s all about?”
“You’re damn right it is,” I said matter-of-factly. “Besides, you and I have some lost time to make up for and what better time to make up for it than our final year of high school, right?”
“So, right,” he said against my lips. “So effing right.”
I let out a gigglish scream, tightening my grip around his shoulders. “Jeremy Hayes, you’re about to have the time of your life.”
“Right back at ya, Everly Davis.”
Jeremy and I were checked away in our own little corner while the rest of our peers partied on very loudly around us. For once, not one person was causing any drama. It was kind of nice. And for once, I wasn’t focusing on Lio and what he was doing—or who he was doing. I meant what I said to him earlier, we were young and starting any relationship now would only harm us in the future when we inevitably didn’t work out. That might have been a little harsh but it was honest, and even if my words were led by fear, it didn’t make them any less true.
So, I stood in Lio’s house, at the party his friends were throwing, and latched my body onto one of his best friends. My heart had barricaded herself away again, this time deeper and more securely than before, and my soul was off doing whatever it was that it did. I was content though, maybe even a little happy. Jeremy didn’t push. Hanging out with him was almost meaningless because there wasn’t much to it. He was a nice guy, and he made my body tingle but the parts of me that mattered, the parts that even at the age of seventeen I knew would always belong to somebody else whether I liked it or not, didn’t feel much for him beyond friendship.
We didn’t move beyond kissing, and his hands stayed above my clothes. Jeremy was being the ultimate gentleman and as long as he knew where I stood, I didn’t feel like I was at all leading him on.
“You’re different than other girls, Ever.” Jeremy’s voice was thoughtful.
“Every girl is different from the other, not one is the same,” I said simply. Girls, any human being really, were individuals who differed from one another in ways that weren’t always obvious, and the similarities that people used as comparisons were unreliable because even within those similarities were strings of differences. I knew that better than anyone. Living between two lives would do that to a person, make them more in tune to other people’s individualism.
A smile played on his lips, but before he could respond, a throat to my left cleared. My body buzzed, aware of who it was even before my mind could connect the dots on who it belonged to. Our souls were connected, anyone could see that, I just chose to turn the other cheek most of the time because it would be a lot harder to deny him if I let myself feel just how in tune we were with each other.
I took a few steps away from Jeremy, separating myself from him. Something that felt a lot like regret churned in the pit of my stomach and heat flared on my cheeks from embarrassment. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong. Well, correction, I had convinced myself that what I had been doing with Jeremy wasn’t wrong. Lio and I were friends, I had been stressing that to myself and anyone else who would ask for as long as I could remember.
I turned my body to face Lio’s. His dark chocolate eyes looked sad and angry. And they were directed at me. I inwardly flinched at the unsettling feeling that sparked in me. Why we were going back and forth with these games, I really had no idea, but it was almost easier than if we tried the something more he so clearly wanted from me. We weren’t ready for that. Maybe in the future, or maybe in another life, but now? Right now it wasn’t meant to be. If nothing else, that much I knew to be true.
“Lio,” I said through a dry mouth; his name came out as more of a croak. I rolled my lips together and pulled my bottom lip into my mouth, gently biting it. The small sting of pain distracted me from the growing hole in my chest, if only barely.
“Are you ready to go home?” He asked so quietly over the music, I almost misheard him. He held out his hand and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed back his own nervousness.
It would have been easy to tell him no but the pleading look in his eyes stopped me from doing that. Lio, despite begging for more than I could give, rarely asked for anything. He was the most selfless person I knew, especially when it came to me.
I gave Jeremy an apologetic smile and placed my hand in Lio’s outstretched one. A breath of relief deflated the tension in his shoulders. We were in a weird place right then, and I didn’t like it.
Not. One. Bit.
Jeremy looked angry, but he really had no reason to be. I made him no promises and we had only spent a few hours together. He was a good guy, but he wasn’t the guy for me. Based on the daggers his eyes were currently throwing at mine and Lio’s intertwined hands, I would venture that he had more hopes about our time together than he led on. I might have sent mixed signals, but in truth, I’m not sure I had any idea what I wanted.
I was at a cross between two lives, torn between the both of them. It was a never-ending battle between myself and Penelope, and I wanted it to end. It was too much; her memories haunted me and although her life used to be mine, this life was making its impact on me.
I knew probably better than anyone how quickly a life could be cut short and the longer I ingrained myself in this one, the more I didn’t want what happened to Penelope to happen to me, but I had no control over that. If I were being honest, that was what hurt the worst some days.
So, I let Lio walk me home and after some inappropriate jokes and sincere apologies, we were over our little tantrums. Or, so I thought.
“I can’t believe we’re graduating,” I said, excitement bursting from every fiber of my body. “I don’t think the world is ready for us, Lio.”
“You don’t think?” He raised his brows at me. “Shoot, I know it isn’t.”
“Whatever are you going to do without me? We’ve been attached at the hip since birth. I’m not even sure my body knows how to function properly without yours.”
He shook his head and laughed, reaching out to hold my face between his hands. I made a face, scrunching my nose, as tears threatened to spill. It was all fun and games, sure, but I was going to miss the life out of the boy-turned-man-overnight whom my soul had latched itself onto.
“I’ll tell you what I’m not going to do,” he said, his eyes staring down into mine. “I’m not going to forget you, that’s for damn sure.”
“Are you sure? There’s a lot of girls at Texas A&M. You just might find your soulmate.”
“None of them are you, none of them will ever be you.” He promised, leaning to brush his lips against mine. “And I already have.”
Tears slipped from my eyes as I silently cried into his kisses. This past year had been our hardest yet, a true test of our friendship. After that Halloween party that took place on a night that wasn’t Halloween, he stopped pushing me so hard and we continued on with whatever relationship we had before. And it
had been working, it really had. We were good, but the thoughts of him finding someone else and moving forward in life without me made my heart bleed.
His thumbs brushed gently against my cheeks, wiping my tears away as they fell.
“Please tell me these are happy tears,” he said softly against my lips. “Good things are happening for us. I’m going to be this badass football player, and you’re going to be an incredible teacher.”
I laughed halfheartedly and wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tightly against me. “I’m just going to miss seeing you every day. It’s going to be weird.”
“I know, but hey, I’ll do as many weekend trips as I can. I’m just happy you’re staying closer to home because someone has to make sure our mothers are sane.”
I pressed a kiss to his neck. “I know you’re only going to be a few hours away but it still feels like hundreds of thousands of miles.”
“It’s only four years, and then I promise that for the rest of my life I’ll never leave you again, okay?”
“That’s a mighty big promise. Are you sure you can keep it, Elliot Smith?”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything, Everly Hope Davis.”
“Hey Claire,” I said, sitting on the other side of the couch from her. I turned my body to face hers. Although I had acknowledged her as being my mother, I still hadn’t crossed that line of calling her the term out loud.
“Hi, honey, are you nervous about tonight?” She asked, a smile brightening her features. Her eyes were red and puffy, and I had no doubts in my mind that she had spent half the morning crying like I had.
“A little? Maybe? I’m honestly not really sure,” I said truthfully. “I saw Elliot as soon as I woke up and it made me realize just how much I’m going to miss him. He’s my North Star and with him it’s always felt like home.”
Tears shined in her eyes and she let out a light laugh, shaking her head. “I’ve never heard you talk about him like that before.”
“Yeah, I know.” I took a deep breath, letting myself feel things that I had avoided and locked away since starting this life. “I guess I was worried? I’ve loved him since before I knew what love even was, and I didn’t want to ruin our friendship by starting something so early on in our lives, you know?”
“I do know,” she said positively. “I also know that we learn what love is as soon as we open our eyes and breathe our first breath of air.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, Everly, I really do. Emily and I have known since before you two could walk that you were destined to be together. I’ve told you this before. You two were different toward each other than you were with anyone else. You actually made me believe in something bigger than all of us, you made me believe in love again.”
“If my tear ducts weren’t so dry from my cry-fest with Lio this morning, that would have made me cry,” I said with a laugh. “I’m really thankful to have you in my life, Claire.”
“I am too. Are you ready for tonight?”
“As ready as I can be. I’m nervous for college, but also really excited.”
“I can’t believe you want to be a teacher, I never would have expected that.”
Neither would I, I thought to myself. Who would have thought?
That’s what Penelope was before she left her life, and since I hadn’t seen much of her lately, I wanted a way to stay connected to her. I should have let go, but I couldn’t. So, instead, I chose the same occupation she had. I only hoped I wouldn't regret it. I wasn’t the greatest people person but helping shape the young minds of our future could be fun right? I sure hoped so. I really, really hoped so.
The graduation ceremony passed in a blur. A big frenzy of a blur. I realized as I sat sandwiched between two other students in my black gown that I had made little effort to make friends at this school. I mean, I had Georgia—sort of. Okay, more like, not really. But she did wave feverishly at me as she passed me on her way to grab the empty folder with our school emblem that would someday hold her diploma.
If nothing else, at least I had made one sort-of-maybe-who-knows friend. I mean, if we ever had a high school reunion, I knew I could count on Georgia to keep me company in a corner, talking my ear off like only she could.
I sighed. Maybe I would miss her a little more than I originally thought.
Soon, it was my turn to walk up the stage, shake the hands of a principal I rarely, if ever, interacted with, and pose for a picture I knew Claire would frame and place on a mantel on the wall. She was supportive of me and every single one of my decisions, and she always had been. Originally I tried to push her away and reject her advances at trying to get to know me, but I learned, especially recently, that there was no avoiding it. Claire’s love was unconditional, and I knew that no matter what I did or how I treated her, that fact would never falter.
As they announced my name, I ran through the motions and smiled as bright as I could. I gripped the hard casing of the faux leather between my hands and walked down the middle aisle back to my seat. I heard a loud holler and looked up to see Lio standing on his seat with his fingers formed in a heart above his head. I shook my head and laughed at his ridiculousness. I rolled my eyes, blew him a kiss, and sat back in my seat, waiting for the ceremony to be over.
“My little girl is all grown up,” my mom said, squeezing me against her side. “You’re going to accomplish so much in your life, I already know it.”
“Where’s Lala?” I asked, searching for my little sister.
“She’s playing out back. But don’t worry, I’ll make sure she’s clean when we go to your graduation.”
I laughed. “That little girl is always running wild, I wouldn’t expect her as anything other than just that—wild.”
“She looks up to you, you know.”
“Yeah, I know,” I said wistfully. “I’m really happy that she chose us. I mean, I know that it was ultimately our decision, but I’m really happy that she fell in love with us as much as we had with her.”
“She’s the puzzle piece we didn’t know we were missing.”
“She sure is.” I agreed.
I blinked away the memory, its new information causing me to rethink through every other one that I had had before. It had been so long since a new one had forced its way into my mind, and lately they had been repeats, more deja vu than anything else, but this one was new. So entirely new that my hands shook and my palms sweated. This was the first mention of another little girl. My sister. No, Penelope’s sister. Penelope mentioned that Lala, whoever she was, had chosen them just as much as they had her. Did that mean that she had been adopted? It must have, because I really couldn’t think of any other explanation. But, if she was such a big part of Penelope’s life, why was this the first time a memory had involved a mention of her? Since I had first started with the memories, they had only ever revolved around three people—Shawn, Penelope’s mom, and her dad.
I was abruptly pulled from my thoughts when Lio left his seat to stand beside me and grabbed my hand, pulled me to stand, and pulled his tassel the opposite way. I did the same, mimicking him in a zombie-like haze while my mind and body struggled to resurface to the present. Altogether, our classmates threw their hats into the air and cheered, celebrating the end of one of life’s many chapters. I clung onto my hat, tugging it off my head and holding it against my chest. I didn’t want to risk losing it amongst everyone else’s. No. I wanted to savor this moment, bottle it up, and never forget.
Lio’s eyes were shining with happiness. His eyes were so bright that they would have given the moon a run for its money.
“We did it, Ever, we really did it,” he said breathless against the side of my neck as he held me against him. “I’m so freaking ecstatic that we got to do it together. There’s no one I’d want to share this, or heck, any other moment with.”
And, because I was either a glutton for punishment or I really wanted to dim the light in his eyes, I said, “Yeah, well, what are best friends for, right?”
His smile slipped slightly, but he caught himself. He gave me a quick peck on the cheek before turning and congratulating his friends. I lost him in the crowd, cursing myself for pushing him away and friend zoning him at every given opportunity, even in once-in-a-lifetime moments like these.
We were going to be separated for four years, and sure we’d still maybe have holidays and breaks, but I wasn’t naive enough to think that he wouldn’t start an entirely fresh life out there—without me. I was afraid of losing him, so my petty, hopeless heart decided to push him away at every given turn before that could happen. I’m sure it rationalized that leaving him would be better before he could leave me. It was instinctual, and I regretted it instantly.
I took a step, fully prepared to seek him out and apologize to him, when Jeremy blocked my line of sight and smiled. He held his arms out expectantly and not wanting to be rude, especially after the way I’d dropped him—twice—I let him wrap his arms around me. Gone was the flutter of possibility that had been there at the beginning of the school year. I pulled away quickly, not wanting it to last longer than it needed to. I truly believed that people entered our lives at different times for different reasons and for me Jeremy had fulfilled his purpose, as cruel as that may have sounded. It didn’t help that his friendship with Lio had dwindled afterwards too. I felt largely responsible for that, which is why I played pleasant whenever he made small talk.
“You’re an incredible girl Everly, don’t let him make you feel any different,” he said with a sadness in his eyes. He stared at me for a beat longer before walking away.
I didn’t need to ask to know who he was referring to. I gave him a close-lipped smile and walked around him in search of Lio. I really needed to apologize and make things right before it was too late. He was leaving for school in two weeks and who knew when I would be able to see him again. He was going to make an impact on that campus, I already knew, and I also knew that when he started his life there and grew comfortable that the life he had here would slowly fade into the background, including me.
This Life Isn't Mine Page 9
