My entire body sagged from relief when I finally found Lio in the crowd of students. I made my way over to him but stopped short when I realized who had been keeping him company while I tried to dodge Jeremy.
Natalie warmed his side, her arms wrapped around his middle and his arms wrapped around her shoulders while someone took a photo of them. I swallowed back the jealousy. Maybe this was better. With the new revelation about Penelope’s life, I was sure to pull away as I always did when I tried to process and piece together the glimpses of her life I had been given. I had accepted this life but that didn’t mean I was any less curious about hers, about mine and the life I lived before this one.
Lio’s eyes caught mine and his smile faded. His brows pulled together and before I could react, his dark eyes widened and he shook his head slowly, pulling his arms from Natalie’s body. He tried to slyly remove himself from her grasp, but she wouldn’t let up. They had always looked good together, with her dark features matching his. I turned and removed myself from the situation, instead searching for Claire who I’m sure was waiting impatiently to get a picture of me with my empty diploma holder.
I smiled when I found her.
Claire’s smile took over her whole face as she smiled boldly at me. She squeezed me against her body and held me. She cried silently against my shoulder, and I moved my arms to mimic the way she was holding me. Tears trickled from my eyes, and I swallowed back the sob that threatened to break loose. I might not have been the best daughter toward her, but the longer she was my mom, the more I tried to be the best toward her that I could be and to make up for the lack of compassion I had shown her during my early years. Somehow, someway, by some miracle, Claire had etched herself a permanent spot on my heart. I was quickly learning, that as pesky as the little organ was, it had become the thing I led with most. My heart was the foundation for a lot of my decisions lately; it was compassionate and daring, and I needed be careful with it.
“I was thinking we could make some homemade apple pie, your favorite,” she said, her smile never wavering.
“I would honestly love that. I think it’s about time I learn that secret recipe of yours.”
“It’s actually an old family recipe from way back,” she told me.
“Is it really?” I asked.
“Yeah, my mom got it from her mom, who at first didn’t want to share it with anybody, but I’m glad she did because here I am, two generations later, sharing it with my own daughter.”
Before I could respond, Lio and Emily walked up to us. His dad trailed close behind but in all the time I had known the Smiths, I could count on one hand the number of times I had seen him around. Apparently he traveled a lot for work and was an introvert of a man. As opposite as he and Lio were, I could always tell that they had a healthy functioning relationship. His eyes shined with unshed tears, and I smiled to myself.
What a typical dad, I thought.
My stomach dipped. There were no male figures in my life, which was fine, but the more I remembered Penelope’s dad, the more I wished I knew the man who helped Claire bring me into this new world. Without the both of them I wouldn’t be here, and although I was reluctant about it at the start, I didn’t mind this life so much.
“We should all take a picture,” Emily said, smiling brightly at all of us. She pulled me in for a quick, tight hug. “I am so proud of you Everly. I can’t believe you and Elliot made it this far, and together. There are movies made about friendships like yours, you know that.”
I nervously laughed and looked to Lio for some sort of rescue. He must have heard me loud and clear because he cleared his throat. “Alright, mom, we have celebrations to tend to, so how about we get that picture.”
“Okay. I want one of you and Everly together, and then we’ll jump in and take one with all of us.”
I handed my things over to Claire and Lio handed his over to his dad. He reached between us for my hand, but I closed it in a fist and refused to let him grab it. My brain was still swirling with images of him and Natalie together and how good they looked.
“Ever, please don’t shut me out,” he murmured, his thumb drawing circles on top of my hand. “Whatever it is, we’ll get through it. We always do.”
I sighed, spread my fingers out, and held on for dear life when his fingers laced through mine.
“I’m going to miss you, Elliot Smith.”
“Not as much as I’m going to miss you, Everly Hope Davis.”
He used his free hand to pull my face toward his and sealed his promise with a kiss. I heard Emily and Claire swoon and the sound of the camera as they clicked away, trying to capture this moment we were in. They knew how complicated our relationship was, which is why I think they were smart enough not to ever ask about it. Or if they did, they just as quickly changed the subject.
I was over thinking and feeling too much when all I really needed to do was savor the little time I had left with Lio. Life was coming at us at full speed.
As our lips tangled together, my thirteenth birthday flashed in my mind. He had always been sweet, and I might have been too young, but I think even then I knew he would someday own my heart, or maybe on that night that we spent on the river looking up at the stars, he already had the key tightly secured against his own heart.
Lio and I were destined to be together, that much I was sure of. But for how long? That’s the question that really begged, and with those higher powers giving me the silent treatment throughout the past eighteen years, I wasn’t sure I would be getting any answers anytime soon.
There was gentle tapping on the door leading to the kitchen before it was pushed open, revealing Lio’s sun-kissed face. The summer sun had been good to him. It unfortunately had the opposite effect on me. I had misplaced tan lines and a red, uneven face most of the time. I scrunched my face at him and threw a piece of peeled apple at his head. He caught it before it could reach him and shoved it into his mouth, smirking over his chewing.
“Thanks, how’d you know I was hungry?”
“Ha ha, very cute.” I rolled my eyes and went back to work.
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m baking. Claire gave me her family’s recipe for the apple pie I’ve basically fallen in love with, and I want to see if I can make it on my own.”
I wiped my brow, feeling a layer of flour streak my face. I left it, uncaring, as I concentrated on the dough in front of me.
“You look cute, my little baker Everly.”
“What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were going to spend the day packing.”
“I was, but then I got sad and remembered that packing means leaving you and decided to come over and visit for a while instead.”
My heart melted right there on the floor. I turned my face toward him and puckered my lips, silently and openly asking for a kiss. He shook his head, smiling, and grasped my face between his hands, giving me a long, hard kiss full of every word we both seemed too afraid of saying out loud.
I love you.
I’m in love with you.
My heart is yours, please take my soul with you when you go.
Let me give you my forever.
I miss you already, and you’re still here.
Don’t forget me, please don’t replace me.
I’ll be here waiting, waiting for you,
My love has no ends.
I had said those words a million times over, in the same cycle, whenever his lips touched mine. After graduation, I realized how ridiculous I was being. That was usually what happened after I started to analyze and question things. In the heat of the moment my rationalities seemed sound, until enough time had passed for me to realize how irrational they actually were.
We moved past it, just like we always did, and now we were back at square one, always. We took ten leaps forward in our sort-of-maybe-who-knows relationship just to take twelve more back. We had three months of summer before he started school, but he was gone most of th
e time for football-related responsibilities, and he had already started to talk about all the new people he was meeting. I was happy for him. How could I not be? But I was losing my Lio, the one who used to only belong to me, and I didn’t know how to mention that without sounding selfish and insecure. Because let’s be honest, I was both of those things and more.
He pulled his lips from mine. “I’m sure it’s going to come out great.”
It took me a moment to realize what he was referring to. I went back to testing my pie-making skills and placed it in the oven.
“There,” I said, dusting off my hands. “Now, we wait.”
He leaned against the counter, relaxed. “What are you doing for your birthday this year, Ever?”
“Probably the same as always; dinner with Claire and some soul searching downtown. Why?”
“Well, I just realized we’ve never celebrated our birthdays together.”
“Are you serious? We’ve celebrated eighteen, you dork.”
“No.” He laughed, shaking his head. “I mean, combined our celebrations. We’re only a few days apart, and we’ve never done that.”
“Okay?” I cautioned. “Where are you going with this?”
“I want to head to campus early, but my parents won’t let me because they want to do something for my birthday, but I was thinking that if we celebrate closer to yours, maybe they won’t mind.”
He stared at me expectantly, and I narrowed my eyes, scoffing at him. “Are you serious right now?”
“Yeah, the team wants to throw me a party that weekend, and I’d rather spend it there with them than here. Besides, we would be doing this together, wouldn’t that be great?”
“Yeah, great.” I grumbled, non-committed to his idea. But he looked and sounded so happy, who was I to burst his bubble? “Whatever you want, just give me the details and I’ll back you up.”
“This is why I love you, Ever, you’re the best.”
“Yeah, the best,” I said to his retreating back as he walked out, leaving me alone to evaluate and read between the lines.
I loved him, I was in love with him, but he was finally moving on, moving forward with his life.
Isn’t this what you wanted? The devil on my shoulder asked.
I swallowed back a lump and ignored her. Lio had become the center of my life, of this life. Maybe now would be a good time to find myself, to figure out who Everly Hope Davis was without Elliot Smith.
I shivered, worried about what I would discover once I untangled myself from him.
Nothing good, I’m sure.
While most people were afraid of dying, afraid of the unknown, since I had already experienced death, I would say that one of my biggest fears was others hearing me sing. Second to spiders and all things bugs, of course.
While I dabbled in poetry, one thing that really brought me happiness was songwriting, without the music because I was in no way instrumental. So, on a Friday night in the middle of summer while most of the other graduates were out partying and celebrating their final months before official adulthood started in college, I was sitting against my bed on my fluffy white carpet, singing to myself, a range of emotions flowing in and out of my body.
I had my journal open, the one I had used to write down all of Penelope’s memories as they came. But since those weren’t as frequent and most of the pages were empty and unfilled, I didn’t like the sight of that. Instead, I scribbled down words, verses, melodies that released some of the weight from my shoulders.
Writing was a release for me, the easiest form of expressing myself. I wasn’t the type to go out and tell everyone I passed about my feelings, like some other people might have been. I think that maybe I was afraid of growing too close to too many people because I knew that someday I would be ripped from them too. Penelope’s life, the people in her world, lost her, and I didn’t know how they were coping now, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about that every once and awhile.
I’m sorry,
That’s all there is to say.
Do you remember me?
I hope that you’re okay.
My heart used to beat for you
Now it beats for me
We’re one in the same
But as different as night and day.
Who were you? Why did you leave?
I’m lost not knowing,
Not everything’s as it seems.
Can you give me a sound?
Were you ever afraid of falling down?
You’re in me,
I feel you every day.
Different parts of you
Pump through my veins.
I chewed on the edge of my pen and read the lines over to myself. Not my best words, but they were honest, and that was mostly what I cared about. If I couldn’t be honest with myself, through my words, then how did I ever expect to be that way with anybody else? Someone like Lio, or Claire. I wanted to be more open, more of myself, even if I wasn’t quite sure who she was yet. She was a walking, breathing contradiction, and she was taking life day by day. I wanted more for her, for me, for this girl who remembered more about who she used to be than who she was, who she was supposed to be. I wanted—no, I needed answers. But getting them would be impossible. All I had were the memories and those weren’t much help lately.
My phone buzzed against my thigh. I glanced at the message, cursing myself for agreeing to this in the first place. I understood his reasoning but the insecure voice inside of me wanted to scream and beg him to stay with me and not go off to some party when I knew good and well what he was going to get into.
My teeth ground together, and I released a breath, trading the pen and paper in my hand for the phone still illuminated with the message he had sent.
Lio: Tonight is going to be fun. Can’t wait to see you. Thanks for doing this.
Me: I’m going to miss you.
I shook my head, deleting the message. Instead, I sent something safer, something less honest.
Me: See you tonight.
It almost felt like a game, this thing Lio and I had going on. He was the right guy at the wrong time until he was the right guy at the right time and then it was too late to backtrack. We were friends who sometimes kissed and shared hearts on a silver platter, but we were friends above all else. I thought it was what I wanted, but I thought wrong.
“You look worried, Everly, what is it?” Claire asked to my left, a sense of worry in her tone.
“I’m just nervous about starting school soon.” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth either; those never had been my specialty.
“Are you sure that’s all?”
Maybe truth time would have to happen sooner than I thought.
We stood in front of a hole-in-the-wall restaurant near downtown and waited for Lio and Emily to show up. Unsurprisingly, his dad had some business to take care of and was too swamped to join us. It was just going to be the four of us, like it had been since the first birthday we ever celebrated.
“Is this about Lio?” She asked after I had been quiet for too long.
“A little. He’s already changing, and I’m not sure I’m going to like who he becomes.”
“Oh, honey.” She gave my hand a squeeze. “We all go through different stages in our lives where it might seem like we’re someone else, but Elliot, who he is deep in his core, will always be the Elliot you grew up with. You just have to stand by him through the changes and support him. You two have a friendship that is strong enough to get through anything, you just need to have a little faith.”
“Faith.” I repeated softly. “Is that what your friendship with Emily is like?”
“Yeah, I like to think so, but even before Emily, I had someone who had been a part of my life for as long as Elliot has been a part of yours.” She admitted, her eyes glazing as she got lost in her thoughts.
“Really?” I asked a little louder than necessary as a way to pull her from her own mind. “Who?”
“I had a sist
er.”
“You did? You’ve never mentioned her before.”
“Yeah.” She nodded, her eyes focusing on a distant memory. “We were several years apart. I was adopted, actually, and really she was the one who chose me. She was the absolute best. She used to call me Lala.”
My heart stopped beating in my chest before speeding up, absorbing this new information and trying to process why it felt so familiar.
An ache started to form in my chest, but I brushed it off, giving all of my attention to Claire and the life she had never shared with me before.
“Really?” My voice came out hoarse. I cleared my throat and strengthened my tone. “How come you never told me?”
“Because those people aren’t a part of my life anymore,” she said simply. “But I do still think of Penny every single day. You remind me a lot of her, Everly.”
My throat tightened and my airwaves closed as fear, shock, and confusion took over me.
“What happened to her?” I managed somehow.
Claire had an older sister named Penny.
Claire had been adopted.
I held my breath, waiting impatiently for her response. A tear slid down her face as she said, “She died in an accident when I was nineteen. She and her husband, Shawn.”
My eyes widened. This had to be some sort of dream, or nightmare, or alternate universe or something. I had little time to process her words or try to connect any dots because Lio and Emily walked up to us all bubbly and carefree while Claire was remembering her sister and I was struggling to grasp...everything. I was closer to my old self than I had ever realized, and I didn’t know to deal with that fact.
Penelope had died in an accident. No, I had died in an accident. With Shawn, who wasn’t living his life like I thought he had been. He was gone, too. Had he been given a new life like I had? Did he remember like I did? Why was I given a second chance on this earth?
This Life Isn't Mine Page 10
