“Ever? Are you ready to go inside?” Lio looked over my face and worry replaced his confident smile.
I brushed him off before he could ask any questions. I would deal with this later, but for now I needed to be Everly, needed to live as Everly. Once I got through this dinner I would be able to sulk all I needed to.
We all walked inside, took our seats, and that’s really all I remember because my heart was pounding a mile a minute and my mind was working at twice that speed. I sat through their conversations, halfheartedly interacting with them. I smiled and laughed at the right moments, doing my best not to draw attention to myself. We were supposed to be celebrating, we were supposed to be enjoying our time together before Lio went off to school. I was finally finding my way in this life and like clockwork, the truth came out and did the opposite of set me free. I felt trapped and unsure.
I gazed out the window, staring down the brightest star.
What sort of game are you playing, universe? I thought, narrowing my eyes on the shining spot in the sky.
I knew that like all the other times I had tried to get his attention that I would never get an answer. He was a busy man, sure, but I should have been able to live this life without the memories of my old one. I mean, no one else seemed to carry that burden, so why did I?
You sent me back to earth to continue in the same life I left but this time as someone different and Claire has no idea. How am I supposed to live with this knowledge?
“None of this makes any sense,” I murmured to myself.
Claire and Emily were deep in discussion over the fact that Lio and I were no longer babies. I stared at my plate full of food, unable to force myself to eat another bite. I moved it around a bit, creating the illusion that it had been more touched than it had.
Lio leaned over and put his hand above my knee, giving my leg a gentle squeeze. “Ever, what’s going on?”
I shook my head, and my throat tightened as tears threatened to spill. I couldn’t talk about it, couldn’t tell anyone the truth. How would that sound? They’d call me crazy and try to get me help. Convincing me that what I knew to be true was actually false would only make matters worse. Penelope’s memories had been playing in my mind since the day I became Everly. The older I got, the fewer they became, but that didn’t change the fact that they were real. I knew they were, and Claire’s admittance had further solidified that point.
“Everly, is this about graduation?”
“What do you mean?” I managed.
“We were just taking a picture together, it’s not like—”
I cut him off. “How shallow are you? Not everything's about you, Lio.”
“Everly,” he started, pain evident in his deep brown eyes as he flinched back from the force of my voice.
“No. Okay? You’re leaving me soon anyway, so what does it even matter? You wanted tonight to happen for you. That’s the only person you care about right now and good for you, we should all be a little selfish at times. But to do all of this—” I said, gesturing around the fancy restaurant we sat in, “so that you can have some party at your university, the one you’re going to be at for the next four years away from every person at this table, well then. Screw. You.”
He pulled his hand away from my knee and leaned back in his chair, his fists clenching at his sides. “I understand you’re upset but lashing out at me instead of having a conversation like we haven’t been a part of each other’s lives for as long as we could both breathe isn’t going to fix anything.”
“No, but it sure did make me feel better,” I said through my teeth. I was lying, of course I was, but he didn’t need to know that.
I pushed my chair back and stood up abruptly. The weight of the past was crushing down on me and the intimate lighting of the room, along with the lively conversations happening throughout the space made it difficult to breathe.
Through a blurred vision I could see Claire and Emily’s concerned faces, but I attempted a smile and reassured them that I was okay. “I’m not feeling well, so I’m going to walk home and get some fresh air. Thanks for tonight.”
I scurried out of the restaurant as fast as I could, nearly bumping into every standing person along the way. The night’s cool summer air was welcome. I gasped for breath and leaned forward, my hands holding me up as they pressed against my thighs.
Get it together, Everly. You’ve come too far to break now, I willed to myself.
I stood in my backyard and stared up at the stars.
“Alright, God, or whoever you are that’s responsible for forcing me into this life, which is basically the same one I lived as Penelope, what’s your deal? Did I do something to you up there for you to hate me so much that you would force me through this twice? Claire is heartbroken. Not only did she lose her older sister, but she lost her parents, and I can’t help but feel responsible for that. I left her. Penelope left her.”
I was yelling at nothing, begging that somebody somewhere with the power to reverse this was listening. Like always, I was met with silence. And barking dogs, but mostly silence.
“You took me away from her, and I don’t know why. I remember random moments that half the time make no sense. So, why don’t you help me out, huh? Why did you send me here? What’s the purpose of all of this, huh? Because I sure as hell haven’t been able to figure it out. The sweet parents I remember would never abandon Claire, especially knowing she was pregnant, so what gives? What changed?”
I was met with more silence. I hiccupped on a sob and bit back a cry. “Please answer me. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.”
I fell to my knees on the wet, uncut grass, and I sobbed into my hands. I didn’t ask for this, and I fought tooth and nail that I would wake up from this nightmare.
I never did.
No matter how much I begged or screamed, I was stuck here, with more questions than answers, questions that were creating a hole in my soul. Things were finally starting to look up. I was finally going to throw myself into this world and try, even harder than I had been.
“Would it even matter?” I asked myself. “Even with answers, you would get nowhere, no one would ever believe you. So, why don’t you move on? Forget Penelope, forget about what Claire told you, and move on. The only person who would ever know is you.”
Sure, I was confused, but at least I knew the people Penelope left behind were alive and living, even if they were apart.
I laid back on the grass and closed my eyes, breathing in some much-needed hope. I couldn’t let this news affect the progress I had made. Sure, it would be hard, but some say the truth is supposed to set you free, so maybe instead of letting this drag me down, I could use it to move on and get some form of closure. My fingertips tingled and my chest ached. Maybe someday when Claire’s revelations weren’t so fresh, I could ask her more questions, and hopefully I could get more answers. I would just need to be stronger and not break down immediately after her honesty.
Honesty. Ironic since I myself had been anything but honest. A part of me wanted to be able to tell Claire who I used to be, but I knew that would do more harm than good. I would just have to live the rest of my life harboring this secret of mine even more carefully.
I’m going to be okay. I wanted this life to be mine. I didn’t want to continuously reminisce about Penelope and make comparisons, I just wanted to be Everly.
I felt a body lay beside mine and when their fingers tangled through mine I knew who it was. I held onto his hand for dear life and released a shaky breath.
“I’m sorry, Lio, my outburst wasn’t fair.” I whispered to him. “I just had a moment, well, a night really, and I took it out on you.”
“You can lash at me anytime you want,” he said, his breath fanning my cheek as he spoke. I looked over at him. “I’m not lying when I say that you’re everything to me, Everly. No matter what happens, I will go through hell to keep you in my life. I’ll choose you above all else, always. So, I’m going to ask, did you mean wh
at you said back at the restaurant?”
There was some truth to what I had said, but I wouldn’t confess that to him. “No.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to leave this weekend knowing that you’re upset with me.” His brows drew together and I leaned up, pressing a kiss above the bridge of his nose and wiping the confused look from his face.
“I guess a small part of me is worried that I’m going to lose you.”
“You know that’ll never happen. My soul is so attached to yours I don’t think it would even know what to do if you and I ever ended our friendship.”
“Your soul is attached to mine? How very sentimental and poetic of you Lio. I think I might cry.”
He rolled his eyes, laughter bubbling in his chest. “Only with you. It’s one of the many privileges of being my best friend.”
“Oh, it’s a privilege now, is it?”
“Hasn’t it always been?” He quipped.
“Alright, Mr. Confident, let’s just enjoy tonight. The first step to that is you not talking,” I said with a straight face.
I busted into laughter when he altered our bodies so that he was above me with his hands tickling my sides. I half screamed, half yelled, half laughed as I tried to use my hands as a barrier against his tickle attack, but it was no use. He wasn’t going to let up. I reached up and pinched his sides, finally gaining some sort of upper hand. We switched positions again, and I placed a leg on either side of his waist, sitting on my knees.
“Truce?” I asked through my tears, an aftereffect of the tickle fest he had just tortured me through.
“Truce,” Lio said, licking his lips before pulling my face down toward his and pressing a wet kiss against my mouth. I would have been disgusted had my body not melted against his as soon as he made contact.
I leaned my body against his and put my head against his chest. His arms enveloped me closer and a content sigh left his body.
“I’m going to miss you enchanted Ever.”
“Just don’t forget about me when you’re a big, famous celebrity with girls and guys screaming your name wherever you go.”
“Never.” He laughed and held me tighter against him.
I closed my eyes, breathing him in, breathing in this moment.
For me, happiness was wherever Lio was. We had been through good and bad and everything in between but somehow, by some miracle, we had always gotten through it, and I knew that we always would. That was my hope at least.
I reached a hand up and gripped onto the star pendant around my neck. Life was complicated and ugly, and I was unfortunate enough to have to live through it twice, but I was learning that the only real way to get through it half alive was to take it one day at a time—no, one life at a time.
“Your obsession with apple pie will never cease to amaze me,” Lala said, staring at me as I stuffed my face with the deliciousness that was apple pie.
“You know as well as I do that mom’s apple pie is the best,” I said through a full mouth. “Besides, celebrations call for dessert and who was I to turn this down?”
“Whatever you say. So, speaking of celebrations, are you nervous?”
“Nervous about what?” I asked, more focused on the slice of pie in my hands than anything else.
“About starting school, about leaving home soon.”
“Oh, that.” I smiled, remembering why our house was stocked with food and desserts.
“Yes, that. I’m going to miss you.”
“San Diego is a short drive away, I’m only going to be a couple of hours away. And you know that you can visit whenever you want.”
“Yeah, I know.” She gave me a sad smile. “But you know that mom and dad have been talking about moving to Oregon since forever.”
“I know, but I really don’t think they’ll do that while you’re still in school. So, luckily we don’t have to worry about crossing that bridge until we get to it.”
Her eyes narrowed. “How you manage to find the good in almost everything is beyond me.”
I finished off my pie and pulled her in for a side hug. “Positivity goes a long way, Lala.”
“If you say so, Penny.”
“How is it already winter break?” I asked Lio, whose weekly visits home had quickly transitioned into weekly phone calls instead.
The distance sucked, but I was just glad that he was still a part of my life in some way. We talked at odd hours of the night, when everyone else was asleep.
“Tell me about it, this semester flew by so freaking fast,” he said. His voice slide through the phone quietly. “I’m stoked for break though. I could use the week off from practice.”
“You really get a whole week?” I couldn’t hide my excitement. He hadn’t been home since Halloween, and if you were to ask me, that was way too long for a girl not to see her best friend.
“Yeah, the boys and I are going to take a trip to New Orleans.”
“New Orleans.” I deadpanned. “Really?”
“Yeah, it’s this whole thing, some sort of bonding experience for a couple of the sororities and frats.”
“So, you’re not coming home for Christmas?”
“I’ll probably be down for a day or two. My mom has been on my case about how little they’ve seen of me since starting school, but it’s all part of the experience, ya know?”
His voice was still quiet, a noticeable contrast from his usual boisterous self.
“Why are you whispering?”
“I’m trying not to wake up Ta—” He stopped with whatever he was about to say.
I jolted upright, pressing my back against the head of my bed. “You should really finish that sentence.”
“I don’t want to upset you.” He sighed.
Had he been here in person I would have pulled away from him. I was just grateful he couldn’t see the look on my face. My heart was slowly cracking and it was the last thing I needed him to witness.
“By not telling me, you’re upsetting me already, so you might as well be honest.” I snapped.
Lio and I had rarely kept anything from one another. I knew ninety-nine percent about him, and he knew about ninety percent about me. But I wasn’t happy about this one percent that he had almost let slip.
“Fine, what I was saying is that I was trying not to wake up Taylor,” he said in a level tone.
I stayed silent, waiting for him to give me more explanation than that. I hadn’t seen him in two months, and he had never once mentioned someone named Taylor. With any luck it would be one of his housemates, but knowing Lio and his apprehension to tell me, I knew that wasn’t the case.
“Are you going to say something?” His voice hitched on a note.
“I’m waiting for you to explain yourself, but since I clearly have to pry information out of you for some honesty—”
“That’s not fair, Ever,” he said, interrupting me.
I continued on like I hadn’t heard him. “Who is Taylor?”
“She’s,” he sighed into the phone, and my stomach dropped. “She’s someone I’ve been seeing.”
“Since when?” I asked, my voice cracking on the question.
“Since school started.”
“Okay.” That was all I said, but knowing me the way that Lio does, the way that he should, I’m sure he knew that that one simple word translated into something a bit more complex.
Something a bit more like this:
You’ve been lying to me for months, and we’ve spoken every week since you left and this is how you break the news to me about this girl, this girl who I’m sure is your new girlfriend. You’ve been with this Taylor chick all this time and didn’t think to mention it to me, your so-called best friend. Here’s a few middle fingers up to you too, Elliot Smith.
“That’s all you have to say,” he warily asked.
“No, but that’s all I’m going to say.”
“She’s a nice girl, Ever, and we’ve been hanging out, having fun. That’s all it is.”
“It’s n
one of my business,” I said calmly.
On the inside my stomach was churning and my heart was bleeding, but I wasn’t going to let him know that. No, he had lost that right the minute he lied by omission by not telling me about her.
We weren’t dating, no, but we were definitely more than friends, that much I knew. And this hurt, it hurt a whole effing lot.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re happy. No one should ever have to apologize for that, including you.”
“It isn’t anything serious, okay? I’ll come up for a few days around Christmas and we can talk then. I really didn’t want to do this over the phone.”
“Right.”
He was so full of himself right then that had I not known him my entire life I would have categorized him with all of the other guy best friends in the world who led their best friends hearts on only to break them in the end.
“Come on, Ever.” His voice was almost pleading.
I would. Not. Cave.
“No, you come on, Lio.” I bit out. My heart pounded and my blood ran cold. “You messed up. Have fun with Taylor.”
“Everly—” He started.
I cut him off for a second time, more than I ever had before. “No. I’ll see you when I see you. Goodnight, Lio.”
I hung up before he could say anything else.
Betrayal spun fiercely in the pit of my soul and every other type of emotion imaginable made an appearance. I pulled my knees to my chest and hoped that he would keep his distance. I was more angry that he had kept this from me than the fact that he had someone new in his life, someone who wasn’t me.
“Are we seriously having our first fight right now, Penny?” Shawn’s eyes widened, and he held his arms out in frustration.
He was mad at me, but I was mad at him too, so at least we were on the same page.
“Yes!” I screeched. “I can’t believe you told Cody about our sex life, you jerk.”
“He’s my best friend!” His voice raised. “Don’t play some victim when you know as well as I do that you sit and gossip with your friends about the same exact stuff, if not more.”
This Life Isn't Mine Page 11
