I had seen Lio briefly on Christmas. And by briefly, I mean for about two point three seconds, if that. I hadn’t been avoiding him necessarily, but I sure didn’t make any effort to see him.
Fast forward to now, maybe a week later, and it was New Year’s Eve. As clichéd as it sounded, I really wanted to reinvent myself, to give Everly Hope Davis more of a fighting chance than before—which wasn’t much of one at all.
The perfectly wrapped box from Lio still sat on my nightstand, untouched, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to open it. I stared at it every night before I went to sleep and every morning I woke up. It sat beside my Penelope journal and hadn’t moved since Claire had given it to me.
I stared it down, contemplating whether it was a good idea to open it or not.
Lio hadn’t tried to make any contact and if I hadn’t known better, I would have guessed that he wanted to see me about as much as I wanted to see him—not at all. We were stuck in the middle and of all the things our friendship had survived, the fact that we were acting so childish about this whole situation was really infuriating.
Which is why I hadn’t touched his gift. No calls, no texts, barely a glance in my direction, and he sends this with Claire to give to me?
I took a deep breath and released it with shaky lungs.
I could do this.
I so couldn’t.
But I was going to.
Right. About. Now.
I grabbed the little box and held it in my palm. It was light, lighter than I expected. I shook it, trying to listen for any clues as to what it could be. I was only met with silence, sans clues.
Ugh, why was this my life?
I was nervous. My stomach churned and elephants flew around. It was Lio, just Lio. But I knew just as well as anyone that Elliot Smith was anything but just.
“Screw it,” I said out loud to myself. “I’m just going to go for it.”
I quickly unwrapped the box, anxious to see what he had placed inside. My heart skipped a few consecutive beats, and I held my breath, releasing it in a sigh.
Tears blurred my vision and I tried to blink them away but that only made them fall quicker.
“Curse you, Lio,” I said at the gift in front of me.
A thin, gold ring engraved with an endless amount of stars sat cushioned between star-shaped confetti. I slid it onto the ring finger on my right hand and smile, more tears making their grand escape the longer I stared at his thoughtful gift.
He knew me better than anyone and a week was way too long to go without talking or seeing my best friend.
I threw the blankets off and stood up quickly. The box fell from my lap onto the floor and confetti spilled everywhere. I was going to walk over it and worry about it later but a red paper bigger than the rest caught my eye.
I reached down and picked it up. It was folded several times over. I unfolded it and slowly read the words written in chicken scratch form.
Enchanted Everly,
I messed up. I know I did. But I love you. I love you so effing much that my heart legit beats for you. You’ve always been it for me. You’re my best friend, my soulmate, my North star.
I gripped my heart through my chest and took a deep breath through my tears. He called me his North star, when little does he know that he has always been mine.
Always.
Since day one.
I went back to reading.
Whatever it is you’re mad at me for isn’t worth it. No one and nothing is ever going to be worth losing you over. I haven’t lost you yet, have I? Man, I hope not. But if you’re reading this it means you finally caved and opened my present. How long did it take you? A day? A week? A year? Please be the first two because I don’t think I can go a year without you.
I’m sorry for not telling you about Taylor. She was fun, and she does make me happy, but if keeping her means losing you then we both know who I’m going to choose. But please don’t make me do that.
Can we talk in person now? My hand is cramping and we both know my writing sucks so bad that you probably can’t understand what I wrote anyway.
Love, Elliot
P.S. I didn’t go on that trip with the boys, so please keep me company. I’m lonely.
I rolled my eyes, laughing, as tears continued to stream from my eyes. He was so ridiculous, and I loved him. He was my best friend and even though the line sometimes got blurred, it didn’t change anything. We were us, we always would be. I pinned the note above my desk and stared at it, making a decision that I should have made a long time ago.
I changed out of my pajamas, brushed my teeth, threw my hair in a messy bun, and then I was on my way. I ran past Claire, who sat on the couch with a book in hand.
“Where you headed?” She yelled at my retreated back.
“Lio’s.” I answer over my shoulder.
I slid on a pair of sandals at the door and gripped my phone in hand, running—okay, more like speed walking—to Lio’s house.
When I got to his front door, I let myself in and ran straight to his room. His door was open, so I took a step in and stared at him, still asleep in bed. Of course he was.
I smirked to myself, wiped the excess sweat and tears from my eyes, and jumped onto his bed. I placed my legs on either side of him and put my hands against his bare chest, gently shaking his body.
“Lio,” I said softly. “It’s time to wake up.”
He barely stirred. I needed to switch tactics.
I leaned down and pressed my lips against the spot right below his ear. “Elliot Smith, if you don’t wake up now I’m going to have a mini panic and assume you’re dreaming of something more awesome than me, and we both know I’m as awesome as it gets.”
He stirred and I huffed, trying to think of other ways to wake him up. I supposed I could get a pan of water and pour it over him or blare some music—
I jumped as his hands gripped my shoulders and pulled my body against his.
“Fooled you, huh?” He whispered against my cheek.
I pinched his peck. “Rude.”
He laughed and pulled me back, looking at my face. His brows drew together in worry. “Have you been crying?”
“I have.” I said matter-of-factly. “It was your gift and your note.”
His thumbs brushed against the spots under my eyes and he leaned up, pressing a kiss against the side of my mouth. “I didn’t think they would make you cry.”
“It was a good cry,” I said, placing my hands over his. “I’ve missed you, Lio. You’re my North Star, too. You always have been.”
He sighed. “I meant what I wrote. I’m sorry for not telling you about Taylor. It wasn’t anything serious. I was just experiencing college, ya know?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry I overreacted.”
“No, you had every right. I would be pretty pissed if I found out you were keeping someone from me for that long.”
I froze, my eyes widening slightly.
Before I could school my features, he looked at me, questions fleeting across his face.
“Jeremy and I hung out on Christmas Eve, after I left the party.” I quietly admitted, gripping his hands so that he wouldn’t pull away from me.
He laid his head back. “I know.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, we still talk every once and awhile, and he was all too happy to tell me about your night together.”
He looked thoughtful for a moment. “Do you like him?”
His question took me aback. “Not in the way you might be thinking.”
“What do you mean by that?” His hands rested against my thighs.
“I like him for the physical connection we have, and he’s sweet, but it doesn’t go beyond that.”
“You aren’t the type to hook up and run, Ever, so why do you keep doing that with him? It has to be more.”
“No, it doesn’t.” I shook my head. “He was comfortable. I’ve known him almost as long as I’ve known you, Lio. It was convenient, and I might have questioned whet
her it could be more but my heart always ran back to you. Always. Every. Single. Time.”
“I love this side of you, Everly.” His fingers ran up and down, from my knees to my waist.
“Which side is that?” I asked, doing nothing to contain the smile hurting my cheeks.
“The sweet side, the one that doesn’t run away from me,” he said, sitting up in bed and readjusting my body so I sat better on his lap. “I don’t like when we fight. It makes no sense to me. This right here, how we’re being now, is the only thing that’s ever made sense between us. You own me, Everly.”
I rolled my eyes at his cheesiness.
“I mean it. It might sound silly and played out but without you there is no me, and I remember you saying that we were young and we should go out and experience life, and that’s what I’ve done—what we’ve both done. So, tell me Everly, what are you waiting for?”
“Nothing,” I said, leaning down, pressing my hand against his chest, right over his heart. Our lips were a breath apart, and I felt his heart rate jumpstart. “I’m waiting for nothing.”
“It’s about damn time, Everly Hope.”
Lio closed the distance between us and locked his lips with mine. It was deep, frenzied, and so freaking passionate that it truthfully felt as though my heart was going to jump straight out of my chest and into his. I couldn’t get any closer to him than I already was, but I swear I could feel his love radiating off him in waves.
I loved him fiercely, sometimes too much, but was that even a thing? Love is love, and if any person is able to love at an overwhelming capacity then they should keep on loving.
That was my plan anyway. I was eighteen, and I had fallen in love with my childhood best friend. We were a romance movie in the making.
Lio and I always found our way back to each other, even when we were stubborn as anything else. This, with Lio, would always be where I felt safest.
They say home is where your heart is, and my heart was with him. I was just lucky enough that his heart was with me in return.
“Happy New Year to me,” he said against my lips.
“You’ve still got until midnight for that, but you bet your sweet brown eyes it’ll be a damn good new year.”
“Is she still blowing up your phone?” I asked Lio as we cuddled on his couch in his apartment.
It was one of those rare weekends that his roommates were gone and it was also Valentine’s Day weekend and spending it with my boyfriend—ugh, that still made my heart pound—was the only thing I wanted to do.
“No,” he said, lacing his fingers through mine. “That stopped a couple of weeks after I came back to campus.”
“Good, because I never used to think of myself as a jealous person but whenever you’re involved I can never seem to help myself,” I said, pressing a kiss against the side of his check.
“Good, I like jealous Everly.” I made a face, and he laughed. “It just means that you care. We both know how territorial I get when it comes to you. Jeremy is lucky I haven’t seen him yet.”
“You’re being ridiculous. It was just as much my fault as it was his and you and I weren’t together then.”
He scoffed. “We’ve always been together.”
“Fine, we weren’t exclusive or official then. Besides, you had your fair share of one-night stands, I’m sure.”
“You’re right.” He grumbled.
I wrapped my leg around his and rested my head against his shoulder. “Besides, it’s Valentine’s Day weekend. We should be celebrating our love, not talking about our past.”
“Our love, huh?” He tilted my face toward his and pressed a deep kiss against my lips.
“Uh huh.” I closed my eyes, kissing him back.
Life was especially good whenever love was involved. And life with Lio had been exceptionally good lately.
It was raining, so hard that the windshield wipers had broken off and the hail put cracks in the glass, making it difficult to see anything, even with our brights on.
“Shawn, I really think we should stop somewhere,” I said, shivering with fear. “I don’t feel safe. This isn’t safe. We should have never left the house in the first place.”
“Oh, what, you’re going to blame me for this too? Sure, go right ahead, you do it for everything else anyway.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, my fear quickly turning to anger.
“Nothing I do ever seems to please you lately,” he said, keeping his attention on the slippery road ahead of us.
“That isn’t true, Shawn. I love you, I always have.”
“Then why don’t you act like it? Ever since we got our own place and started new jobs, you’ve been distant.”
“I’ve been busy, we both have, that doesn’t change the way I feel,” I said, my heart breaking at the mere thought of him questioning my feelings for him. “If you were feeling this way, you should have said something sooner, not now when we’re trying to survive this storm.”
“Ironic huh? It rarely rains in Los Angeles and when it does it’s damn near unbearable.” He threw a gentle smile my way. “And I do know how you feel, I’m sorry, Penny. I’ve just been dealing with stuff at work, and I took it out on you.”
“That’s life, babe, but we have each other, so next time just talk to me about it, okay?” I put my hand on his knee. “Now, get us home safely. I would really love to make up with you, preferably in a warm, dry bed.”
He chuckled and shook his head.
A car in front of us swerved from right to left, trying to right itself, but it was too slippery to avoid. The car stopped in the middle of the road and when Shawn tried to break, nothing happened. He panicked, his wide eyes staring at the closing distance between us and the car. He reached for my hand and held onto it like his life depended on it.
What we would later learn is that no matter how hard we held on, we couldn’t avoid fate.
“Everly.”
My whole body shook in agony. I curled into myself and screamed into my arm, begging the pain to go away.
I just wanted it to end.
It needed to end.
“Everly, I need you to wake up.”
I ignored the voice, their words sounding like gargled water. I needed to get to Shawn, it was too slippery, too dangerous. I needed to help him, to help the people in the car in front of us.
A strangled cry escaped through my gulps for air. Two strong arms wrapped around my body and held me against their chest. I leaned into it, grasping onto their arm.
After what felt like several minutes, hours, days, I slowly opened my eyes. The room was brightly lit from the early morning sun and my journal wasn’t beside me where it always was.
I blinked again, slowly remembering where I was and that the memory was a dream, not a reality—at least not mine anymore.
“Lio,” I said, my voice breaking on his name. “I’m sorry.”
“Shh, you’re okay.” He lightly ran his hands up and down my arms and back. I curled closed against him. “You just had a bad dream.”
I closed my eyes, tears escaping as I remembered the dream in vivid detail. It had felt so real, it had been real. At some point, eighteen years ago, that had been my reality—my end.
“It wasn’t a bad dream.” I whispered the truth for the first time. The words lifted a weight from my soul that I had grown accustomed to living with.
“Everly, it was only a dream,” he said softly. “I know how real they can be sometimes but whatever it was you were dreaming about isn’t real. You’re okay.”
“No, I’m not,” I said through my tears. “I might have thought I was, but I’m not.”
“Talk to me.” He pleaded, trying to understand my new form of delusional.
“This life isn’t mine,” I said, not hesitating to think it over. It was as truthful as I had ever been.
I pulled away from him and turned my body, facing him. He opened his mouth to say something but thought better of it, instead giving me a short nod of
encouragement to go on.
I wiped at my tears and released a shaky breath. This was it, the moment I never thought I would have, revealing the burden I never thought I would share.
“My name was Penelope,” I said, looking him in the eyes. “I was twenty-six years old, I had a husband named Shawn, and we died in a car accident. That’s what that dream was just now.”
He shook his head, confused. “That doesn’t make any sense, Everly.”
“I know it doesn’t, but let me explain it to you as best as I can.”
He stayed quiet.
I continued on. “Do you believe in reincarnation?”
“I’ve never really thought about it before.”
“Well, I do. That’s the only way to explain... everything.” I closed my eyes, pulling up every dream that I had had about Penelope, reciting the facts from memory. “Since my first day in this life, as Everly, I’ve known that she isn’t who I am. I woke up one day in this new life with few memories from my old one, as a girl named Penelope. But most of my dreams for the last eighteen years have been memories, reminders of who I was then. I know how it sounds, but it’s the truth, and it sucks.”
“I don’t know what to say, Everly,” he said cautiously.
“She and I share a lot of similarities, but we aren’t the same person.” I opened my eyes and looked at his ash-stricken face. “This new life changed me and at first I hated it, I fought it every chance I could, but now I’m happy. I have you and I have Claire, and you’re both so important to me, but I found out recently that Penelope was Claire’s sister. I was Claire’s sister.”
His brows pulled together. “I’m not going to judge you right now, I’m just going to try to understand, okay?”
“Okay.”
“How do you know that this Penelope person was Claire’s sister?” He asked slowly, unsure of his own words.
“Claire mentioned a while ago that she had a sister named Penelope who died in an accident with her husband,” I said slowly, a little worried about how he would react when all was said and done. “She was her older sister. Penelope lived in Los Angeles, but her family moved to Oregon when she graduated high school. Claire said that shortly before Ever—before I was born—that Penelope died. I guess her parents were already having issues with her pregnancy, so when Penelope died, she came here with your mom and the rest is history.”
This Life Isn't Mine Page 13
