“How do you know you’re Penelope?”
“Because I remember her life as if it’s my own,” I said. My throat clogged with tears, and I started to cry again. “I dream her memories. They aren’t as frequent but in the beginning they were constant, and I write them down in a journal every time I wake up because I don’t want to forget. She’s part of me, but I’m realizing that she isn’t who I am, who I have to be. I’m Everly. This life is mine, and Everly Hope Davis is who I am supposed to be. Otherwise what’s the point? Why am I here? I used to be angry with God or the universe, whatever, but now I’m grateful because I have you, Lio, and Claire, and a good life. I’m just afraid that I’ll be ripped away from this one too, and I swear if I’m forced to live another life with the knowledge of who I was before, I will. Lose. It.”
“It would be real easy for me to disregard everything you’re saying and to try to think of a rational explanation for all of this but,” he said, pausing to grip my face between his hands. “I know you, Everly, and the way you’re looking at me right now with a mixture of fear, hope, and heartbreak that makes me want to believe every word you’re saying. So, I’m going to ignore my head and listen to my heart. I’m here for you, Everly.”
I leaned into his touch, a sob breaking free. “You believe me?”
“Yeah.” He nodded, his eyes softening. “I do. I believe you.”
“Some Valentine I am, huh?” I asked halfheartedly.
“You just opened up your entire heart to me, Everly,” he said, pressing a kiss against my forehead. “Yeah, I would say you’re something, alright.”
It had been four months since I had opened up to Lio, four months since I had finally shared my truth with someone else. The secret no longer ate away at me, and although I still wrote about each dream in my journal, I voiced them out loud to Lio, too. He wanted to know everything.
“I don’t want you to bottle this up anymore,” he had said.
And I am so glad he did.
It was liberating.
I was finally able to share with someone else what I had spent so long keeping to myself.
Claire and I had been hanging out more. I enjoyed her company, and I especially loved when she opened up to me about her family—my family and Penelope.
We were eating ice cream in the middle of the living room floor with a half-empty bottle of wine between us when Penelope came up again for the first time since she had told me about her.
“Penelope was vibrant and honest,” Claire said, a fond smile lighting up her face. “And so beautiful. She saw the good in every situation and gave her all to everyone around her.”
“Why did your family fall apart when she passed?” I asked, unsure if I wanted to know the answer to that or not while at the same time crazing this information. I wanted to know everything.
“Well, she was the glue that kept us all together.” She laughed softly, remembering a memory. “She had so much charisma, and when she met Shawn we all knew, I think even before she did, that she had met her soulmate. I like to think that they’re together in the next life, too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah,” she said. “From one life to the next, soulmates never part.”
“Soulmates never part.” I repeated softly.
“Penelope put her best foot forward always, and I clung to everything about her because she was who I aspired to be like—who I still aspire to be.”
“Did your parents try to make it work after the accident? With you?”
“They tried but their hearts were too broken, their souls too fractured.” She sighed, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. “I think the memory of me being around was too much for them. They said that I reminded them of her, and I loved hearing that because it meant that more of her would always be with me than I thought, but for them it was too difficult. It was too great a reminder of what they had lost.”
“So, you not only lost your sister but you lost your whole family.” I shook my head, my own eyes watering with tears. “Claire, I am so sorry. I can’t imagine what that would have felt like.”
“Yeah,” she said with a sad smile. “But everything happens for a reason, even when that reason remains unknown.”
“Do you believe in reincarnation?” I asked, reiterating the same question I had asked Lio a few months earlier, and the same one I had asked her before too.
She looked like she was mulling it over. “Sure. I mean, I like to think that our time is timeless, with no end, whether it’s in the form of human life or nature, whatever it may be.”
“Do you think Penelope could have been reincarnated as someone new?”
My heart stopped beating for a couple of breaths as I waited for her answer. This could go either way. I only hoped I didn’t upset her with all of my questions.
“I used to.” She stared into her melted cup of ice cream. “Actually, I used to think that she was you. You were born shortly after she died, ya know? And you reminded me a lot of her. Your love of stars, your love of apple pie, the way you love with your whole heart. I mean, look at you and Lio.”
My heart rate sped up and tears were free falling from my eyes, but I made no move to wipe them away.
“You are hope, Everly,” she said, a small smile lighting up her sad features. “I used to think of the possibility of she being you and you being her, but you are your own person and although you two are similar, you couldn’t be more different. You shine bright because of your own light, and I know that Penelope is somewhere watching over us with the brightest smile on her face. I know she would have loved you, just as much as I do Everly Hope.”
I was full on sobbing at that point.
She had thought about it before, about the possibility of Penelope being reborn as me, as her child.
But she was right.
I wasn’t Penelope. I was Everly Hope Davis, and I had my own life, my own stars guiding me. But I like to believe that Penelope and I shared the same stars, the same light.
And by the way Claire was opening up, I knew that we did.
I needed to live as Everly and stop comparing myself to Penelope. The dreams were my connection to her, but that didn’t mean I needed to halt my life or fear my own future.
It was just that—mine.
I had had this same conversation with myself before but the more I had it, the stronger the conviction became.
“Claire,” I said with a heavy-from-crying voice. “You’re a really incredible mom.”
Her eyes widened and her body shook from her tears. She shook her head in amazement, or disbelief, possibly both.
“Did you just call me your mom?”
“Yeah, because you are.” I set my ice cream down and moved to sit beside her. “You always have been, and I’m sorry if I’ve taken you for granted or pushed you away, I won’t do that anymore. You’re my mom, Claire, and a really great one at that.”
“Awh, Everly, you’re going to make me cry.”
I laughed through my own tears. “You already are.”
She rolled her eyes playfully and wrapped her arms around me. I did the same, holding her tightly against me.
“I don’t know what I did to deserve a daughter like you, but I’ve never been more thankful of anything in my whole life,” she said, pressing a hard kiss against the side of my head. “After what happened with your birth father and my parents and Penelope, I wasn’t sure that void would ever be filled. But because of you my life is more full than I could have ever hoped.”
“We should do this more often,” I commented.
“We should. I agree.” She smiled.
“Yeah, crying and getting lost in our feelings over ice cream and wine are definite mother-daughter goals for sure,” I said with a laugh.
Claire barked out a laugh. “They really are, aren’t they?”
“Yeah.” I pulled away from her and looked at her tear-stricken face. She didn’t look sad though. She looked liberated and happy. “We definitely should make a
habit of this.”
“Yeah, we really should.” She agreed for a second time, her smile widening.
“Thank you, mom,” I said, testing the word on my tongue. Goosebumps spread over my arms and Claire’s smile widened, if that was even possible.
“You’re going to make me cry again.” She laughed and shook her head, wiping the tears from beneath her eyes.
I laughed along with her.
Everything happened for a reason, and when I thought of Lio and Claire, my reasons for being here as Everly had never been more clear.
“Do you come here often?” Asked a handsome guy as he stepped in front of me.
“Do you use that line often? Because if so you should really work on your delivery.” I shot back, tilting my head to the side and taking a sip of my drink. “My friends will be back in a few minutes.”
“Then that gives me one hundred and eighty seconds to convince you to go out with me,” he said, smiling. His confidence was impossible to ignore.
I almost swooned. Almost.
“The clock is ticking, Mr. whoever you are.”
“Shawn, my name is Shawn,” he said, a dimple peeking out of his right cheek.
“Penelope,” I said, trying to sound as uninterested as possible.
He was attractive, sure, but I had no place in my life for a guy right now. I was focusing on myself, having fun with my friends.
“Go out with me.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yes.”
I stood taller, confused as to why I said yes when I meant no. Ugh, what did I just get myself into?
His smirk grew into a smile, and he nodded. “Perfect, here’s my number. Use it. I’ll pick you up tomorrow at six.”
I widened my eyes, my mouth opening and closing like a fish’s.
Shawn, whoever he was, leaned down and pressed a soft kiss against my cheek.
“Until tomorrow, Penelope.”
I woke up to the shrilling sound of my phone. I opened my eyes, adjusting to the morning light, and stared at the screen.
I had several missed texts from Lio, all with the same sentiment.
Lio: I love you.
Lio: Really missing you right now.
Lio: Can I come over? I’m coming over.
Lio: HOW ARE YOU STILL ASLEEP?
Lio: ON MY WAY. YOU BETTER BE UP.
I laughed at his ridiculousness. Sometimes he was so cute I wanted to lock him inside my heart and never let go.
I replied.
Me: I’m up, all thanks to you.
Just as the text went through, my bedroom door opened, revealing a disheveled, sleepless looking Lio. He tore off his t-shirt, flashed me a smile, and climbed into bed with me. I scooted over to make room for him, but he wasn’t having it. Instead, he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me on top of him. I put my hand on his stomach and smiled.
“Good morning to you too, Lio,” I said sarcastically.
“Oh, right.” He tilted my face toward his and looked over my face. “Good morning, girlfriend.”
“Girlfriend huh? I’ll never get used to you saying that.”
“Well get used to it because that’s what you are,” he said, pressing a kiss against the side of my mouth. “That’s what you’ll always be.”
“Always is a lot to promise, Lio.” I teased.
“Not when it comes to you.” He shook his head. “If anything, it’s not enough.”
I laid back, placing my head against his shoulder.
“It’s six in the morning, why are you awake?” I asked, realizing the time I had seen above his texts.
“I went out with some of the guys and just got in a while ago, but I figured why sleep alone when I could come over and cuddle it up with you.”
I rolled my eyes. “So romantic. Please, do tell me more.”
He laughed, his fingers trailing up and down the side of my body. “Did you ever think that we would end up together?”
“I think deep down I’ve always known that you’re it for me.” I admitted quietly.
“It for you, huh?”
“Yeah, so don’t screw this up otherwise I’ll be forced to cry in a corner and that isn’t something I’m very fond of.”
“Is anybody?” He quipped.
“Good point.”
We both drifted off to sleep, the dream world taking ahold of me once again, forcing my mind to relive memories I wanted so badly to forget.
Moving on as Everly had never been easy, but I was in a good place. Unfortunately though, when the past kept invading my current life, it made it difficult to remember why Penelope and I weren’t one in the same.
I screamed for Shawn, my eyes searching everywhere for any sign of him. The only thing I could see were the white lines in the middle of the road that were illuminated from the headlights of our car. The car in front of us had gone into a ditch on the side.
I tried to move my body, but it wouldn’t cooperate. I willed something, any part of me to move, but nothing happened.
I yelled in frustration, fear fading as adrenaline took over. My heart pounded in my ears, and my eyes frantically searched for any sign of Shawn. He was here one second and the next he wasn’t.
I looked over at the driver’s seat. The seat belt had been torn out from the impact.
My heart pounded harder.
“Shawn?”
I yelled his name over and over, the sound growing weaker each time.
The windshield was scattered across the pavement and the inside of the car, shards of glass taking up every surface like crystal snowflakes in the middle of winter.
I don’t know how long I had sat there trapped inside the car upside down but my adrenaline faded and pain took its place.
I screamed in agony. Every part of my body hurt and when I tried to move, very little happened. I wasn’t even sure I moved at all.
“Penelope?” I heard Shawn ask from somewhere in the darkness.
“Are you hurt?” I yelled back, hoping he heard me.
“Penelope, I love you. Hold onto that, don’t ever forget it. You are my entire life, and I will love you from this life to the next.”
His voice broke on the words. My heart broke along with him.
“We’re going to be fine, okay?” I said frantically, trying to hold onto the tiniest bit of hope. “Our time isn’t done here. We’re supposed to start a family—we’re going to start a family, okay? We’re going to renew our vows in a few years, at thirty. Remember how we always said we would? Well, we will. Just hold on, okay?”
“I can’t feel anything, Penny,” he said, his voice sounding weaker than it had a few minutes before.
“Neither can I,” I said honestly. My pain had faded to nothing. “But we’re okay. We’re going to be okay, Shawn.”
I drifted off to sleep and when I woke up the lights from the car were no longer on.
I gasped for air, panic spreading throughout my entire body. “Shawn? Are you there? I think I hear something.”
Silence was my only response. And soon after silence was all I heard as I drifted into darkness.
I opened my eyes to Lio’s worried gaze. I buried my head into the crook of his neck and screamed, an overwhelming feeling of loss taking place in my heart.
“They’re gone, he’s really gone, and so is Penelope. Oh God.”
His arms held me tightly against his body and he whispered sweet words against my ear, comforting me the only way he could.
“It’s okay, Everly. You’re okay.”
I shook my head, crying harder against him. “It’s not. How can it be? They never got a chance to live. They just...died.”
“They did live, Everly, of course they did. They had each other. You’ve told me a bit about their relationship and even though you have these memories, I know they had their happily ever after somewhere.”
“How can you believe that?” I asked, fiddling with the star ring on my finger.
“Because you’re mine, you’re my happily eve
r after, and it wouldn’t be right if Penelope never got to have hers.”
I nodded against his neck, pressing light kisses against his skin. “Thank you, Lio. Thank you for being here, for never leaving.”
“That’s one thing you never have to worry about because I’ll never leave you,” he said, pressing his lips against mine. “Never.”
I drifted off to sleep again, the memory too exhausting to do anything else. After that morning, I never had another memory again.
“Everly, I really don’t think that’s a good idea,” Claire said, her face full of fear and disappointment at what I was suggesting.
“It’s been twenty-two years since you’ve seen or spoken to them, don’t you think it’s time you reached out to them?”
“And why should I be the one to do that? They pushed me away when I needed them the most, it wasn’t the other way around.”
“I don’t want you to regret not reaching out,” I said, pleading with her. “Our time here is temporary and spontaneous. We don’t know what’s going to happen or when. At least try, that’s all I’m suggesting.”
She looked at me, her eyes softening at my words. “Okay. I will contact them, but I make no promises, Everly. I don’t want you to be disappointed.”
“I won’t be,” I said honestly. “My expectations aren’t very high, but I want to at least meet them at some point, and I want you to be there too.”
“Okay, Everly, I’ll try.”
Convincing Claire to reach out to her parents was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I had been bugging her about it for three years, since my final dream about Penelope’s life. Finally, a few days ago, she caved. I was nervous and excited and slightly fearful of what they would be like. Did they ever think about me? About Claire? There were so many things I wanted to know that could only be answered by them.
This Life Isn't Mine Page 14
