The Blue Notebook

by MD James Levine

  There is high praise for the table full of food and drink. But once this formality is out of the way, they turn to me. Even with the makeup that was necessary to hide my bruises I know I am lovely. I immediately sense that Jay-Boy and Andy want me in different ways. Jay-Boy must possess me as a testament to his manhood whereas Round-Boy must have me as an affirmation of his. I am another food item on the table.

  It is clear that the party is not yet complete. They are waiting for someone called Bhim. Although beautiful Jay-Boy may be the focus of attention now, Bhim is the master the others obey. They speak of him as soldiers speak of their captain. They constantly refer to his victories as if they were theirs. They describe with passion how Bhim beat this one or tricked that one. The mode of reference is similar to the way Wolf was described at the Orphanage; he says—you do. In fact, I get the sense that the party tonight was precipitated by Bhim and certainly the celebrations cannot start without him.

  As the three boys sit on the sofa together and watch television, there is warmth and a palpable connection between them. Whether it is the herding of lambs or the affinity of boys, I do not know. The three of them sit on the sofa, jostling their bodies against one another, nudging one another’s shoulders, and slapping one another’s legs and arms. They entangle their voices in the same way, laughing and talking; one is always trying to outdo another. In an instant I am drawn back to the dining table with my brothers, who were always poking one another, fighting, and laughing. You could not help smiling as you watched them. Tiger and I watch these three boys and we both smile. I am puzzled by our ability to connect distant moments of time as one. I pull the laughter from so many years ago to the present and feel the happiness that I understand only now that I miss.

  The three boys watch cricket, principally at Jay-Boy’s request (I know that Iftikhar hates cricket). Jay-Boy and Iftikhar sit drinking beer straight from tall green cans and Andy is drinking a tea-colored drink poured from one of the bottles at the table. Their words are already slurring and their laughter is somewhat uncontrolled; they are not seasoned drinkers.

  The laughter is silenced by the telephone. “Father,” Iftikhar says with excessive and insincere enthusiasm, “it is wonderful you called … I am.” Iftikhar is obviously interrupted and his tone changes. “He is here,” Iftikhar says seriously and indicates with his hand to Jay-Boy and Andy that they need to be silent. “I agree, Father,” Iftikhar says. He is looking at Andy as he speaks and now he is smiling at his co-conspirator. “I did not want to tell you at all, but I thought it was my duty … to me, Mr. Vas is like an uncle … I know, I know … he used to rock me on his knee. Father, may I ask you, now that you have discovered that Mr. Vas has been stealing, what will you do?” He raises his eyebrows and smirks at Andy, who grins in response. “Father,” Iftikhar protests, “I beg of you, please, please do not sack him. I am sure there is another job he could do, say in one of the warehouses … He has a lovely wife and they have children … oh, I understand … I have a lot to learn from you. You are right, of course. If others saw you being lenient with a thief, there would be no stopping them. I will be sorry to see him go, though. Father, when will you tell him? Right now, are you serious? … I understand. I have so much to learn. Goodbye, Father … really it is Andy you should thank … yes, I will … he feels sad too as he knows how much I love Mr. Vas.” They smile again. Iftikhar carries on. “A few other friends are coming over too … yes, Father. Yes, she is. She is working out fine. Thank you … we will. Goodbye.”

  As he hangs up, Iftikhar punches repeatedly in the air with his right arm and Andy starts clapping like an imbecile. Jay-Boy is eyeing me. Iftikhar and Andy jump up and perform a little jig in front of the sofa. They toast each other. “Ifti,” Jay-Boy says, interrupting the jubilation, “can I take your little toy here for a quick test run in the bedroom.” Iftikhar’s guard is down and he hesitates. Jay-Boy gets up and advances toward me but Iftikhar stops him. “Jay-Boy you’d better wait until Bhim gets here. He is bringing over some girls too … you know what he’s like.” Almost immediately, there is a loud knock at the door, from the other side of which I can hear giggling.

  Enter Bhim, enter Bhim’s attendant, and enter two girls.

  Bhim is of medium height and has unremarkable features, neither attractive nor ugly. You would walk past him in the street without noticing him except for the sense he emits of being in charge. He does not use extravagant mannerisms or a loud voice, but you can sense his authority. He wears a smart black cotton jacket, a white T-shirt, and jeans, and he is followed by a dog. His dog is a head shorter and broader than he is and is dark skinned, with a somewhat squashed face. The dog’s eyes are hooked on Bhim and he says nothing; short of a wagging tail, he would actually be a dog. As Bhim takes a seat on the armchair nearest the door, his dog takes a seemingly natural position standing behind his left shoulder.

  The two girls are much older than I am and clearly are attending the party on hire. Their paymaster is Bhim and they accord him the attention he has paid for. One girl, wearing an orange T-shirt, is very full-busted; this is her principal attribute. Her T-shirt is dramatically stretched over her bosom and has the word “Bebe” written across it in shiny stones. Each gigantic breast is larger than my head. I am impressed that the parchment-thin material retains her breasts at all, as they are poised like wild cats to leap from it. Her face is ugly and you can see where she plucks her chin hairs. She is wearing tight blue jeans that cover her generous bottom, and her black-heeled shoes are similar to the ones I am wearing. Her overall appearance is of a massive pair of orange breasts.

  The other girl is quite lovely; she has long, flowing, shiny black hair, a well-proportioned body, and beautifully painted lips. She has a black spot on her left cheek just above her mouth, which I suspect is from ink. She is probably a little too beautiful, as this intimidates men even when money has already been exchanged. She is wearing a rippling silver top that falls away completely at her back so that her skin is revealed. Her back is so smooth and without blemish that you just want to touch it to see if it is real or porcelain. She is wearing tight white trousers, no underwear, and brown leather boots to her mid-calf.

  The girls, like me, are not introduced by name. When I was in my nest I often used to think that I had lost my name altogether. I had become an anonymous unit without any function; who names a broom or a table? The girls and I were objects and as such unnamed.

  The pet dog is dismissed and leaves. He is the only one to address Tiger, who reciprocally bids him farewell.

  The beautiful girl serves Bhim the same drink that Andy has and then the women help themselves. They do not acknowledge me. The party is beginning. Jay-Boy is still eyeing me and now that Iftikhar’s authority to deny him is muted, he takes me into the bedroom. He is easy to please and I am easy to possess.

  He returns to the group and I wash myself quickly in the bathroom so that I can steal a little time to write. As I leave the bathroom, the ugly girl is reminding Bhim of long-forgotten days of feeding from his mother’s teat. He is lying on his back on the bed as she straddles him. She is feeding him her left breast by pushing its nipple into his mouth using both of her hands. He is clothed and she is naked. He watches me walk through the bedroom. She, again, does not acknowledge me.

  In the main room, Jay-Boy is sitting in the armchair with the pretty girl on his lap. Iftikhar and Andy are together on the sofa. They are watching a music show on television. Iftikhar and Jay-Boy are smoking. Jay-Boy smiles when he sees me and calls over to Iftikhar, “You lucky man, she is quite a fox.” Iftikhar answers in kind, looking at me fleetingly as he speaks. “I rammed her the whole weekend. She cries for more all the time; she really loves it.” Jay-Boy interjects into the stream of fiction, “I think Andy should take her for a turn.” The pretty girl says, looking playfully saddened, “Oh, come on, Jay-Boy, I told you I want Andy.” The pretty girl is smart as she knows how hesitant and obedient Andy would be; an easy student. Andy blushes visib
ly and Iftikhar’s goading makes him blush more. “Andy wouldn’t know which end to start. I’ll tell you one thing, Sheenah, his princess wife, doesn’t give him head—that’s for sure. Right, Andy?” Andy meekly responds, “Ifti, she’s your sister.” There is an uncomfortable hush broken only by Tiger’s laughter.

  Bhim enters from the bedroom. “What, Andy gets no head? We’d better put that right, right, Andy?” Iftikhar adds, “That’s if he can get it up.” Iftikhar, Bhim, and Jay-Boy burst into raucous laughter at Andy’s expense. Andy reddens from embarrassment. Jay-Boy calls over the laughter (I sense with a sprinkling of malice), “Ifti, take Gee-Gee to the bedroom, she really wants you.” The beautiful one, obviously called Gee-Gee, interjects. “No! I told you I want Andy,” she says, playfully pouting her lips at a still red-faced Andy. Iftikhar responds, “I had the little bitch there,” pointing at me, “twice before you got here. I also want to see Gee-Gee on Andy.” I am not sure whether Bhim sees through Iftikhar’s front and so speaks mockingly or whether he believes him, but he says, “Ifti, I knew you had the rocks … I’m going to try your dolly, then … if she can handle it.” You see: “your toy,” “your dolly,” “the little bitch;” that is how they refer to me, but never as Batuk.

  As Bhim beckons me to experience “the roller coaster,” as he refers to himself, I glance over my shoulder at Iftikhar. There is such a delicious flood of dejection emanating from him that I hold his sad stare for a second longer than I intended—just to relish it. Suddenly, though, I feel a prick of sadness because I remember the moment that Wolf took me from Shahalad. The difference is that then I longed for Shahalad in a way I had never experienced before. Iftikhar’s humiliation is my yearning now.

  In the bedroom, Bhim is surprisingly gentle. Young men generally use physical strength to communicate their potency. I appreciated long ago that this reflects a lack of confidence and immaturity. The overreliance on the physical renders them poor lovers, which is why, I suppose, their wives reject them. Bhim is different. He wishes to emulate an exchange of fondness between us. I see this more commonly in an older man, who oftentimes I suspect is married to a woman no longer capable or interested in providing affection. I can become a daughter to these men and provide them with the forbidden love of the powerless. It is rare for a young man to want affection from me, and it is tiresome because I have to extend my dramatic skills beyond the most simple of dances.

  As we lie opposite each other, Bhim smiles and strokes my hair. He wriggles closer to me so that he is a handbreadth from me. He strokes my bare arm and smiles. “So,” he says, “Master Iftikhar is wearing you out.” I smile back at him and respond, “Yes, I am tired,” which is true. I have nothing to gain by affronting Iftikhar. It strikes me that I have not gained anything by being brought here; I miss the sounds of the city, the others, and even the heat. As I lie here on the soft bed in the cooled bedroom, I feel the tiredness for the first time and I want to fall asleep. Bhim smiles at me in a way I cannot decode; at its most simple it is a polite smile. He puts his arm around my waist and pulls me closer to him and now strokes my bottom and my thigh. He rubs my dress higher up my thigh so that my entire leg is exposed and I feign pleasure; if I had my choice I would slice his hand from his body. His grip is a mixture of strength and boniness, and with his hand now on my exposed buttock, he leans over me to kiss my neck. This is standard for many cooks. I coo for him and think about how sweet the mango was yesterday. He leaves saliva on my neck, which feels cold as it dries. I love being able to be clean. I will wash him off very soon. “Your lips are very gentle,” I say.

  “Why don’t you get that pretty dress off?” he whispers in my ear. I oblige. He then fiddles a little to remove the bra and I feel a little depleted, remembering the huge offerings of the ugly girl. I realize that I am still young but know that I will never become that generous in my body. He starts to kiss my breasts and then he pushes his hand between my legs. I lie and stare at the bathroom door. I am thinking to myself that one day I would like to write a story about the tiger. I call out “Tiger” with my under-voice. Bhim’s teeth nip my left nipple and I flinch; I wince in feigned pain, as many cooks love to hurt me. He carries on kissing my breast. I think of Tiger asleep in the next room.

  Bhim says, “Oh, you are all wet for me, baby,” as he wedges a hand between my legs. “Yes. You are very handsome,” I say. Has he forgotten that I have Jay-Boy’s spill in me?

  “Wake up, Tiger. I am going to write a story about you one day. I need you to tell me about your mummy and daddy and the other cubs. Tell me about the jungles you ran through and all the deer you hunted. Wake up, Tiger!”

  Bhim is kissing me between my legs on Bunny Rabbit’s mouth. Can he taste Jay-Boy? I find this thought pleasing and rub his hair as he licks and partakes of Jay-Boy. He wants me to roll on top of him. He wants me to stare down at him as I move on him. I oblige. The bhunnas is not excessive in size and I pitch to and fro. He closes his eyes, only to open them to ensure that I am looking at him, which I am. How you pace a man is important; too fast and he deflates (Iftikhar’s limitations were not by my design), too long and he burns out. It is like baking a cake. I am concerned that since Ugly Girl has just worked him, Bhim will take forever. I need not have worried; with seven or eight twists of my hips as I descend on him, Bhim gives himself to me. He is delighted with his sweet-cake. I smile at him amorously and politely excuse myself. I close the bathroom door shut, pull my bundle of paper from behind the sink, turn on the bathtub faucets, and write. I feel a growing desperation to melt within my ink.

  The room is steaming up. There is a violent knocking at the door which then flies open.

  Plain white paper

  I will never be able to explain exactly how this sheet follows the last. Words come to me with far greater effort both mentally and physically. I sit in bed with my back against a steel frame. On awakening, I did not immediately realize that I was in a hospital, probably because of the medication, which I think is also making me feel woozy and sick. The pain is returning and so the medication must be weakening.

  My memories of the events that brought me here are, like my words, only sketchy. It has taken me a couple of days to patch together the events that took me from the bathroom to this hospital bed.

  The police sergeant is interested in my account of what happened and has asked me to write down everything I can remember. He was dumbfounded when he learned that I could write. He went and got my blue notebook from under the mattress in the Tiger Suite and took away all my other writings. Lying here, I have been told that I have nothing to fear from the police. I think that I may have much to gain by aiding them; the doctors will certainly not forget me with the police coming every day to talk to me.

  As best as I can recollect, here is what happened.

  The urgent knocking on the bathroom door was only Gee-Gee, the pretty girl, who had to clean out Jay-Boy from inside her. He had apparently dealt with her on the armchair in the main room while I had been baking with Bhim. She agreed with me that he was easy to please. I remember we giggled like schoolgirls after I told her how amazingly beautiful I thought she was. She was naked below the waist, which made the moment between us even more sisterly. “So what are you doing in here?” she asked. “I am writing,” I answered after some hesitation. “What are you writing?” I showed her the sheet of paper I was writing on and the whole pile of my writing that rested on my lap. She took hold of the pile and fanned through it in silence. The sheets of blue script blurred into one; I knew she could not read but did not want to offend her. “It is just my silly thoughts,” I say. She looks at me with a pure smile of sunshine and says, “You are so pretty and so clever …” She fans the pile of paper again, looking at it in awe. She asks, “How old are you?” “Fifteen,” I answer. “Did you come from a brothel or are you private?” “Brothel,” I say. I am ashamed to tell her that I come from the Common Street, as it is the lowest level. Girls from brothels are far higher, and private girls the best
. “How about you?” I ask. “Private,” she says. I am not surprised as she is so beautiful and poised. She would have known the foreigner hotels well. “You make good money?” she asks. “Mamaki keeps my share for me for when I am older.” Gee-Gee bursts out laughing. “Oh darling, are you being serious?” “My name is Batuk,” I say. She looks at me, pauses a second, and she understands, for she too is nameless. She says, “Batuk, you will never see a rupee of that money! You need to get out while …” She is interrupted by Bhim, who has silently appeared at the bathroom doorway. “Get your asses in the main room,” he says.

  After issuing his command, Bhim halts. He looks at the pile of papers in Gee-Gee’s hand and pries them from her. I watch him and hold my breath. The second I see his eyes scanning the lines I know he can read. “No,” I scream and instinctively throw myself at him, grasping for the papers. What a terrible mistake. He pushes me back. I come at him again but he kicks me to the floor with savage thrusts of his right leg (not so gentle now). He takes a couple of steps backward out of the bathroom, brandishing the papers high above his head. “Now what is this?” he asks. “It is just my silly scribbling,” I say beseechingly to him. “Please give them back to me. They are just my silly stories.” I run at him for the third time but he sees me coming and swats me away with the back of his left hand. He shouts, “Jay-Boy get in here right now.” Jay-Boy runs into the bedroom and Bhim tells him with a huge grin on his face, “Hold her back.” Bhim is the beggar who was just handed a glass of water to find it full of diamonds. Jay-Boy grabs me round the waist, twists me away from Bhim, and I start kicking. Gee-Gee slinks into the main room. Jay-Boy takes my wrists and pins them against the bedroom wall; he presses his body into mine so that I am stuck. I stop struggling altogether.