“I’m exactly where I want to be.” He lifted the platter, picked up his wine glass and headed back to the family room. “How about a fire?”
She watched him crouch down in front of his fireplace, arranging several logs on the black grate, and found herself comparing his body to Phil’s. There was no question he wasn’t as big or broad, but he was clearly fit, and the image of a panther again came to mind.
“My first fire of the season,” he said after rejoining her, the orange glow from the fireplace instantly making the room cozier.
“It’s beautiful.”
She took the cracker he offered, taking a small bite as she watched him take one for himself, the muscles of his jaw clenching and unclenching as he chewed. “So, no Emily tonight?”
“We’ve gone our separate ways.”
“Oh.” She dropped her eyes to her wine glass. “Sorry.”
“Are you?” He scooped up some almonds, holding his hand between them like a bowl. “Are you sorry?”
“No.” She took a few nuts and slowly ate them, adjusting her legs beneath her as she turned to face him, her shoulder sinking into the cushions of the couch.
“What’s your plan?” Nick asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You told me you kicked him out, but you seem to be the one who left.”
“Oh.” She pushed her hair back from her forehead as her gaze shifted to the fire. “I gave him until Sunday to pack his things.”
“Have you discussed how you’re going to tell your children? This is going to be traumatic for them. Their world is coming unhinged.”
“I know,” she whispered, shaking her head. “Do we really have to talk about this right now?”
“No, but at some point I think we need to. It’s not something—” He stopped mid-sentence at the sound of banging coming from the front of the house.
“What’s that?” Lina grabbed his hand.
“Someone’s at the door.”
29
“It’s Phil,” Lina said, the color leaving her face.
“There’s only one way to find out.”
“Wait.” Lina caught up to Nick, clasping his arm as he walked towards the front of the house. “You can’t let him in. He’ll hurt you.”
“He isn’t going to hurt me, Lina. Trust me.”
“You don’t know him. He hates you,” she cried. “Please—let’s just ignore him.”
“He isn’t going anywhere,” he said as the pounding continued. “He probably tracked your phone here.”
“Oh my God.” She pressed her hand to her mouth. Why hadn’t she thought of her phone?
“We’re all adults. It’s going to be fine.” He continued to the foyer and, after a brief look through the peephole, opened the door.
As soon as she saw Phil, standing on the porch in the same dark blue suit he’d left the house in that morning, his hair tousled and his jaw firm, the fear from moments earlier was replaced by rage as she remembered the pictures. “You bastard!” She squeezed past Nick and launched herself at Phil. “How could you?” she cried as she began pummeling him with her fists. “How could you?”
“What the hell? Lina!” Phil easily restrained her by wrapping his arms around her and holding her against his chest. “What happened? What did she do?”
“You took her to Steamboat. You had sex with her in our bed!” she cried.
“Lina,” he began, loosening his hold, “I—”
She managed to slap him across the face before he was again holding her hard against his chest. “Let me go!”
“Let her go,” Nick said.
“You stay the fuck out of this!” Phil exploded, glaring over Lina’s head at Nick. “She is my wife.”
“Let me go, Phil.” She pushed against his chest. “I can’t breathe.”
He loosened his hold, and she took a step back from him.
“I have nothing to say to you,” she said.
“After twenty-five years, I think you do, and I’m not leaving here until you tell me what the fuck is going on.”
“Go look in your robe pocket,” she said. “Go see what she sent me for my birthday.” She turned and began to walk around Nick, but Phil was beside her, gripping her arm.
“She’s trying to hurt you. She’s trying to get you to leave me.”
“Then she wins. She can have you because it’s over. I don’t know you. You’re not the man I thought you were.”
“Lina,” he whispered, pain evident in his eyes. “Don’t do this. I’m begging you.”
“I wish I had never met you.”
“No.” He shook his head. “You don’t mean that.”
“Yes, I do. Now let go of my arm.” She struggled to free herself from his grip. “You’ve lost your right to touch me.”
“You’re not going into his house.” He yanked her back towards him. “You’re still my wife.”
“Let her go,” Nick said.
Phil pushed Lina back behind him before launching himself at Nick.
“No!” Lina cried, but before she could intervene, Phil was throwing a fist towards Nick’s face.
It was all a blur in Lina’s mind. Nick either ducked or shifted his head to the side, and Phil’s fist connected with the brick front of the house. Then Nick dug his fingers into the back of Phil’s neck and twisted one of his arms behind his back as he pushed him into the brick he’d just punched.
“This is what’s going to happen,” Nick said, his voice low and controlled as he held Phil against the wall, his lower body pushed up against the length of Phil’s. “You’re going to get in your car and leave. And you and Lina are going to take tonight to cool off and start thinking about your children. You can talk tomorrow when you’re both calmer. Lina?”
“Yes.” Her voice was barely a whisper.
“If you’re choosing to stay here, you should go inside now.”
She entered his house, stopping just inside the door, continuing to listen as Nick once again began speaking to Phil. “Just so we’re clear, I’m not sleeping with your wife. She’s an emotional wreck, and I’m not about to take advantage of that. She is here because she needs a friend. I’m a friend. And I suggest you think twice before coming at me again. I am a fifth-degree black belt in karate, and you could get seriously hurt. I’m going to let you go now. Don’t do anything stupid.”
Hours later, Lina set down the philosophy book she’d found in Nick’s guest room, unable to concentrate as thoughts of Phil swirled in her mind. She could feel him. He was upset or hurt or both. She checked her cell phone for the first time since leaving her house and saw over a dozen voicemails, but the two from Phil were from before he came to Nick’s. He hadn’t attempted to call or text since he left. She was imagining things.
It was 1:45 a.m. She’d avoided thinking about him most of the evening, enjoying Nick’s food and company as they shared a bottle and a half of wine and light conversation, but as soon as he left her, as soon as she was alone with her thoughts, she became consumed by Phil. Her mind was her enemy, trying to convince her something was wrong so she would reach out to him. She pulled up the pictures of him and Kim on her cell phone, flipping through them until all desire to reach out to Phil disappeared.
The door to the master suite was closed but unlocked. When she stepped into the room, she could tell from the heaviness of his breathing that Nick was asleep. After quietly crossing to the bed, she lifted the comforter and slid beneath. His deep breathing stopped as soon as she lay back on the pillow.
“Lina?”
“I don’t want to be alone,” she whispered. “Please—just let me sleep here.”
“Just a second.” He was off the bed and crossing to his closet.
Lina caught her breath as she realized he was completely naked, the moon coming through the window illuminating his muscled back, butt and legs. His body reminded her of the dancers’ she saw when she attended The Nutcracker the Christmas before. He disappeared into the closet and moments later
reappeared in black cotton leisure pants, his hairless chest bare. An image of Phil’s hair-covered chest flashed through her mind.
“Talk to me,” he said after stretching out beside her and propping himself up on his elbow.
“I just can’t sleep,” she whispered. “I don’t want to be alone.” She slid her body closer to his. “Would you just hold me?”
“Lina, I don’t—”
“Please.” She turned onto her side, backing her body into the length of his. “Hold me.”
He whispered something that sounded to her like “God, help me,” and then he was pulling her back into his warmth, his arms wrapped around her body, his chin resting on top of her shoulder
“Thank you.” She settled back against him, her hand resting on the back of one his as it lay splayed over her ribcage.
Unable to see his eyes, she found that only his smell was familiar, and even that wasn’t familiar in the dark, because it wasn’t Phil’s mixture of soap, woodsy aftershave and the unique smell that was him. Nick’s smell, like the rest of him, had a refined quality. He smelled of a mixture of soap, mint and lavender. His body too felt different. He was harder than Phil and not as comfortable, or maybe he was just different. As she pondered the subtle differences between the feel of their bodies, she found herself relaxing, becoming aware of the strong beat of his heart, which felt exactly like Phil’s, and the feel of his chest as it rose and fell with his breath. A feeling of warmth and safety enveloped her, and she fell into a dreamless sleep.
Lina awoke the following morning alone in bed. As the events of the previous day came flooding back, she pulled the comforter over her head, only to be assailed by Nick’s aroma. She was in another man’s bed. Guilt consumed her as she recalled the feeling of his body wrapped around the back of hers, and she sunk deeper into the covers. She may not have committed adultery, but sleeping in the arms of a man who wasn’t her husband had to be close.
She couldn’t bring herself to take a shower in his bathroom. It felt too personal. So after brushing her teeth, she slipped on a pair of yoga pants and a loose top and went in search of Nick.
He was sitting at his kitchen table, reading from his iPad, a cup of coffee and an empty plate before him. “Good morning.” She gave him a small smile, feeling shy after the intimacy of the night.
He came to his feet. He was still wearing the black lounge pants he’d slept in and had added a long-sleeved black T-shirt. His face was unshaven, but his scruff was light, so his shadow didn’t look as heavy as Phil’s. Everything about the scene felt intimate, as if he, instead of Phil, were her husband “Sleep okay?” He touched her arm.
“Yes, I’m sorry for that.”
“I’m not.” He attempted to meet her eyes. “Talk to me. What’s going on in your head?”
“I feel like I cheated on Phil,” she admitted. “I know it’s stupid because I’m not even with him, but I’m Catholic and that’s how I feel.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
She lifted her eyes to his. “I slept with you.”
“Nothing happened. Believe me, I’d remember.” When she blushed he took her hand and squeezed it. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t tease you. Please have a seat. Would you like coffee?”
“Yes.”
“We’re friends, Lina,” he said after she was sitting at the table with a mug of steaming coffee. “You have nothing to feel guilty about, okay?”
She looked into his eyes and felt a fluttering in her stomach. “I’m not sure if that’s how I feel about you.”
“I’m talking to you as a therapist right now. The only relationship you should be focused on is the one with your husband. You’re not emotionally available for more than a friendship with me.”
“You told me to find you if I left him.”
“I know.” He touched the side of her face. “And I meant what I said to you that night.”
“Then what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that until you’re divorced or on your way to being divorced, we shouldn’t take this further. And that’s me speaking as a doctor, not a man.”
She knew he was right, but the thought of being alone caused a suffocating anxiety in her chest. “Does that mean I can’t call you?”
“You can call me as much as you like. This is going to be a difficult time for you and your children. I’ll be here as much as you need me, but I want you to know you don’t need a man, even if that realization ultimately results in the conclusion you don’t want me.”
30
As Lina pulled into her garage, she felt like the time with Nick was almost a dream, and she was now waking up to her real life. It was almost 11:00 a.m., and when she entered the kitchen it looked untouched, like the house was still sleeping.
She set down her bag and opened all the blinds before making her way upstairs. When she entered the master bedroom, she heard the sound of water running in the bathroom. The room was in a state of upheaval, with bags open and partially packed. She felt tears in her eyes as she realized what it meant. She approached the bathroom and saw Phil in the shower, his back to her as he stood under the spray of water, a plastic bag wrapped around his right arm.
“What’s that?” she asked.
He turned at the sound of her voice. Even through the water-spattered glass she could see the circles under his eyes. “Did you fuck him?”
“No!” She crossed her arms over her chest.
He turned his back to her. “I’ll be out by tonight.”
“Phil—”
“The kids will be back this afternoon. Mike and Jeanie had them overnight. We can tell them then.”
“Why didn’t you call Adele?”
“Because I called my brother.”
Lina was sitting on the unmade bed when Phil emerged from the bathroom naked, his right hand and lower arm encased in gauze and some type of temporary brace. He ignored her as he stopped before one of the open suitcases and pulled out a pair of boxer briefs, awkwardly stepping into them as he tried to maneuver with one hand.
“How bad is your hand?”
“I’m no longer your concern. You made your feelings perfectly clear last night.” He walked towards his wardrobe.
“Did you see the pictures, Phil?” she asked, following. “Did you see my nice birthday gift?”
“I did.”
“That’s it? That’s all you have to say?”
“Yes. That’s it.” He pulled a pair of jeans from a shelf and turned his back to her.
“You’re a bastard!”
He slowly turned, his eyes meeting hers. “Maybe I am, but I never walked into her apartment with her while you were standing on her front porch. I never left you alone with a broken and bloodied hand to drive a manual transmission to the ER. And I sure as hell never made you lie awake all night wondering how many times I was fucking her.” He breathed in, and Lina could see tears in his eyes. “Congratulations—you broke my heart.” He turned away from her. “Now leave me the fuck alone.”
She left the room and leaned back against the wall, covering her mouth to stifle a cry. She felt wracked by guilt at the memory of her night with Nick. She’d shared dinner and a bottle of wine with another man while her husband sat in an emergency room by himself. And then she had curled up against his body and slept like a baby while Phil suffered alone. He didn’t deserve her loyalty. He had gotten another woman pregnant, and yet she felt sick at the hurt she saw in his eyes.
She went down to the kitchen and made a pot of coffee before sitting down at the island. Her eyes focused on a bag with a bottle of pills and papers inside. She pulled it towards her and looked through the contents. He had been given a bottle of Percocet for pain. She read through his hospital release papers. His hand was broken in three places and would probably require surgery. She covered her mouth. He wouldn’t be able to ride his bike or swim. And he certainly couldn’t drive his car. How he managed to drive himself home she couldn’t imagine.
“Take my c
ar,” she said when he came into the kitchen over an hour later, carrying two bags, one slung over his left shoulder, the other in his hand. “Until your hand is better you should just drive the SUV.”
He didn’t acknowledge her comment as he continued into the mudroom, but when she stepped out into the garage after he went back upstairs, she saw her trunk door open. He made several trips between the bedroom and the car, and Lina noticed the paleness of his skin and the beads of sweat on his forehead.
“Have you taken any of these?” She lifted the bottle of painkillers when he stepped out of the mudroom.
“You told me to leave. Stop acting like my wife.” He left the room, and for the next couple of hours she saw him sporadically as he did some work in his study, went out to the car a few times and took a soda from the refrigerator.
“I’m telling them about the baby.”
Lina turned at the sound of Phil’s voice. He was under the arch of the doorway leading into the kitchen from the front of the house. “No.” She shook her head. “Not until after he’s born.” He was having a son. “Did you know? That she was having a boy?”
“I’m telling them,” he said, ignoring her question. “I’m not putting them through this twice.”
“Are you a hundred percent sure it’s yours?”
“She had an in vitro DNA test. He’s mine.” He disappeared back in the direction of his study.
Lina followed and found him sitting behind his desk. “We can’t just tell them. They’re going to be devastated enough by you leaving. Why don’t we wait?”
“I’m telling them,” he said coldly.
“I didn’t sleep with him. I didn’t kiss him. I didn’t do anything wrong.”
He looked up from his computer screen. “You chose him.”
“No, I didn’t,” she said, shaking her head. “He’s a friend, and I was in pain. Those pictures devastated me.” She felt her lower lip begin to tremble. “He’s no different than a woman friend.”
“Except he’s not a woman. He’s a man who’s in love with you. A man you have insisted on numerous occasions you have no relationship with.”
A White Picket Fence Page 19
