Logan lifted his eyes briefly before returning them to the display, continuing the battle raging on the screen. “Wait.” Twenty more seconds passed before he removed his headphones and looked up at her. “What?”
“Dad.” She again held out her phone.
“I don’t want to talk to him,” he said before again donning the headphones.
Katie brought her cell phone to her ear. “He said—”
“Tell him if he doesn’t get on the phone, I’m coming over there,” he said.
“What?” Logan said into the phone after Katie relayed the message. “Fine…I didn’t have any,” he said.
Katie dropped down on the couch, no longer worried about a missed text from Matt as she watched Logan’s eyes fill with tears and then his bottom lip begin to quiver. “I don’t care,” he said. “You broke one of the Ten Commandments. You make us go to church, but you don’t even follow what they say.” His face crumbled, and he began to cry. “I can’t,” he whispered before tossing the phone to Katie and fleeing to his room.
Katie lifted the phone to her ear. “I think he’s too upset to talk,” she said, a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach.
“I know,” her father said, sounding tired. “I’m going to take the two of you to dinner Tuesday night. Maybe you can tell him that when he’s feeling better.”
She wanted to ask him if that meant he wouldn’t be calling the next night but couldn’t bring herself to say the words. He sounded sad, and, for reasons she didn’t quite understand, she didn’t want to make him sadder. “I will.”
“Katie?”
She gripped the phone, knowing what he was going to say. “Yes?”
“I love you.”
“Bye, Dad,” she whispered.
As she headed back to her room, she paused outside Logan’s door, wishing for the first time in two months that Megan was home. Megan would know what to say to make Logan feel better. She knocked softly on his door. “It’s me,” she said, opening the door. He was lying on his bed, turned on his side and facing the wall.
She had no idea what to say, so she sat down on the side of his bed and said nothing. A few minutes passed, and she was thinking about leaving when Logan rolled over onto his back.
“He’s such a fucking liar.”
Her eyes widened as she swung her gaze to his. “Logan! You just said ‘fucking.’” It was the first time she’d ever heard him curse. “Wow.”
He blushed. “Yeah, well, he is. He’s always lecturing me about what it means to be a man, and the whole time he…” He paused as if unable to bring himself to say the words. “He was sinning.”
“Maybe it’s better that he’s not perfect. He can’t really expect us to be if he’s not.”
“I still hate him,” Logan said.
“I don’t think I do, not for this anyway.” Katie lay back on his bed beside him. “I think he really regrets it. And Grandma said they’re going to get back together by next summer. She looked at their charts.”
“Mom won’t take him back! He had sex with another woman.”
“She probably will. He said it ended in May, and she stayed with him all summer. She still loves him. She told me.”
“Maybe she just found out.”
“I don’t think so. Remember when she was crying on the deck that night and then Adele came over? That’s probably when she found out.”
Logan considered this for a moment. “I wouldn’t take someone back if they cheated on me. I hope she doesn’t take him back.”
“Do you want her to marry someone else?”
“No!” He turned his lips down.
“Well, I think that’s how it works. She’s not that old. If they get divorced, she’ll probably start dating and stuff. That would be really weird.” She couldn’t imagine her mom with someone other than her dad.
“I’m never going to cheat,” Logan said. “Not even on my girlfriend. It’s wrong.”
Katie flipped onto her side and stared at his profile. “Do you have a girlfriend?”
He hesitated, which surprised her, because she expected him to say no. “I kind of like Lisa,” he said.
She tried to recall a Lisa and then sat up so she could see his face. “Lisa Kendrick? She’s my age.”
He blushed. “She’s nice.”
“Oh my God, Logan. You’ve seen her boobs, haven’t you?” She had a huge chest.
“No,” he said, but his blush deepened.
Katie laughed. “You are such a liar.” She couldn’t believe he was hooking up with a girl her age, but then she thought of how Emma seemed to want to talk to him more lately. She always thought of him as so much younger, but maybe you couldn’t judge your own brother. And considering he was over six feet tall, he looked older than fourteen. “Have you had sex with her?”
“No!”
This time she did believe him. “Do you want to?”
“I don’t want to talk about this with you. It’s weird.”
“Why is it weird?” She lay back down.
“Because you’re my sister.”
“It’s only weird if you think it is. Emma and Ryan talk about everything.”
“I’m not talking to you about sex.” He picked up a lacrosse ball off his nightstand and began tossing it up in the air. “What about you? Do you like anyone?”
“Remember Matt?”
He caught the ball and turned his head, meeting her eyes. “You told Mom and Dad you didn’t like him.”
“I lied.”
“Mom?”
“Logan.” Lina wiped the tears from her eyes. “Hi.”
“Are you okay?” he asked, his eyebrows pulled together in concern.
“I’m fine. I was just—I’m just a little sad.” She smiled up at him.
“Do you want me to sit with you or something?”
“No. I was just going to go upstairs and shower. I’m fine. Please don’t worry about me.”
He stared at her, not looking convinced. “I was going to check that the house is locked up and then set the alarm.”
“You don’t have to do that. I can—”
“No, I’ll do it,” he interrupted. “From now on, I’ll do it.”
“He seems to think he needs to be the man of the house,” Lina told Nick an hour later. “He even looks older. And he’s trying to comfort me when I’m supposed to be the one comforting him.”
“It’s all normal,” Nick assured her. “He’s just trying to find his footing.”
“I don’t want him to worry about me.”
“It’s been two days. He’s upset. You’re upset. If your house seemed normal right now, I’d be more concerned.”
She turned out her light, the darkness not scary with his voice in her ear. “Today is the first day since I met Phil that I haven’t heard his voice. Over twenty-four years.”
“And how does that make you feel?”
“Sad.”
“I imagine it would.”
“I don’t know why I brought him up. I don’t want to talk about him. Let’s talk about you. What did you do today?”
33
Lina awoke with a start in her dark bedroom, unable to catch her breath. “Phil?” She felt the empty mattress beside her. “Phil?” She looked around the room and remembered. He was gone. Her lungs suddenly didn’t feel large enough to take in enough air. She grappled on the nightstand for her phone.
“Lina?” Phil’s deep voice came over the line. “Lina?”
“I can’t breathe,” she managed. “I’m suffocating.”
“You’re not suffocating. Listen to my breaths.” He breathed in deeply and then exhaled. “Do that for me. A big breath in, and now let it out.”
She followed his instructions, her eyes closed tightly, her hand clenching the phone as she breathed in and out, listening to the flow of encouraging words coming through the phone. It took a dozen or so breaths before she felt the air filling her lungs and her body beginning to relax.
“I tried to sl
eep without a pill,” she said when she could talk without effort. “I woke up and you weren’t here. I panicked.”
“It’s okay.” He sounded exhausted. “Are you okay now?”
She knew she should let him go back to sleep but was afraid to hang up the phone. “Do you mind staying on the phone with me for a minute? I’ll take a sleeping pill.” She was reaching for the bottle on her nightstand.
“Just go back to sleep, baby. I won’t hang up until you do.”
For the second morning in a row, Lina awoke feeling dizzy with her cell phone pressed into the side of her cheek. She squinted at the clock and groaned when she realized she’d overslept, knowing she wouldn’t have time to shower before dropping Logan at his bus stop.
Thankfully, Katie had started to drink coffee, so there was a full pot when she made it down to the kitchen. “What’s wrong with your face?” Katie asked, squinting up at her. “Did you sleep on something?”
Lina touched her cheek, feeling the outline of the cell phone. “Yes, my phone.”
“Yeah, that’s what it is.”
Lina gripped the counter as she brought her coffee mug to her lips, taking a long swallow of the warm liquid. “We’re getting a dog.”
“What?”
“We need a dog.”
“Did you say something about a dog?” Logan entered the room looking as tired as Lina felt, his eyes puffier than normal and his hair uncombed.
“Yes.” She paused to kiss his cheek. “We’re getting a dog. A big dog.” One that could sleep at the end of her bed so she didn’t have to wake up with a cell phone indentation in her face.
“Cool.” He smiled for the first time in two days.
“Why would you call Phil?” Adele asked Lina a couple of hours later as they sat across from each other at a small bakery, sharing a muffin.
“It wasn’t a conscious decision, but he’s always been the one who could calm me down. After that night with Shiloh…It used to happen to me after that night, and he could always make the suffocating feeling go away.”
“But now you’re having it because you kicked him out. Do you plan to have him help you get past him? How is that going to work exactly?”
“It was one time, and it was the middle of the night. It wasn’t planned. And I realized something when I woke up this morning. I have no idea who I am separate from him. I’m completely dependent on him, financially, physically, mentally. I’ve lost myself.”
“That’s a profound realization.”
“I don’t even know how much money we have. He takes care of everything. I’ve never even looked at our tax returns. I just sign whatever he puts in front of me.”
“That’s crazy, Lina.”
“I know. I took your advice, though. Just before I came here I opened an account in my name and put twenty-five thousand in it—half of what was in our joint account.”
Adele gripped her hand. “Good. Now we need to find you a good lawyer.”
She went from coffee with Adele to lunch with Diane. “What are you doing, Lina?” Diane said practically before she sat down. “Are you really going to throw your marriage away over a four-month affair? You look terrible, by the way.”
“Thanks.” Lina looked down at her clasped hands, tears suddenly threatening. After her drug-induced sleep, her emotional state was in upheaval, and the feelings of strength and resolve she’d felt when she awoke and later when she spoke to Adele had been replaced with fear and insecurity. It was as if she were a pendulum swinging from one extreme to another.
“I’m sorry.” Diane laid her hand over the back of Lina’s. “I know you’re hurting, but kicking him out can’t possibly be the answer. You look as bad as he does. You should see him. I swear he’s already lost five pounds—I couldn’t get him to eat a thing last night.”
Lina tapped the display on her cell phone and brought up the picture of Phil dancing with Kim, his hand on her butt. “The look on his face,” she said as she slid the phone across the table. “I thought that look was only for me.”
“Oh, Lina,” Diane whispered as she stared down at the picture. “That’s a man in lust, not love. Honey, the way he looks at you is different. Why don’t you delete this?”
“Because I don’t want to forget. There’s more. You can flip through them.”
“I don’t need to.” Diane slid the phone back across the table. “I already know he had an affair.”
“It’s worse when you see the pictures,” Lina said.
“Which is exactly why you should stop looking at them. Do you have a plan? What’s your plan?”
“I’d like to make it through a night without having to take a pill or call him, and once I can do that, I’ll let you know.”
“Do you want to tell me why there is twenty-five thousand dollars missing from our checking account?” Phil asked later that evening. She’d been dreading the call all day as she tried to anticipate his reaction, vacillating between feeling completely justified and unsure about her actions. She’d even driven back to the bank to transfer the money back into their joint account but at the last minute changed her mind.
“I just thought I should have money of my own,” she said after stepping out onto the deck to give herself privacy.
“Why?” He sounded more confused than annoyed.
“Because I’m forty-one years old, and I’ve never had a bank account in only my name. I think it’s time.”
“You realize by putting it into an account in only your name, I’ve lost access to it. It was my money too.”
“I left you half.” She dug her fingers into the back of her neck, kneading her muscles.
“You left me half?” he repeated, frustration creeping into his voice. “That account pays all of our expenses—the mortgage, phones, cable, electricity, taxes, school tuitions. I was building it up so there would be enough to pay the tuitions in December.”
“I didn’t know that. I don’t know anything about our finances. You’ve kept me completely in the dark.”
“If you’re in the dark it isn’t my fault. I haven’t hidden a damn thing from you.”
“You take care of everything. I never even see our bills.”
“Jesus Christ, Lina! Are you listening to yourself? I’ve been taking care of you for twenty-five years, and suddenly that makes me the bad guy? Have you ever wanted for anything?”
“That isn’t the point.”
“Then what is the point? Please tell me the fucking point!”
“Don’t yell at me.”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t know what the fuck is going on. You’re making no sense.”
“You made me completely dependent on you,” she rushed out. “I don’t want to need you.”
“I’m your husband. You’re supposed to need me.”
“I don’t want to.”
Seconds passed before he replied. “What are you saying?” All the anger was gone from his voice.
She closed her eyes, a knot twisting in her stomach. “I don’t know.” Her voice was barely a whisper. “I’m very confused.”
“Well, I suppose you’ll let me know when you’re not confused anymore. In the meantime, I’ll start looking for a place to live.” When she didn’t respond after several seconds, he continued. “Regardless of what someone is whispering in your ear, I would never cut you off financially. Every account we have is in both our names. If you want to understand our finances, just look in the safe. The combination is the month and day we met. The names of our accounts and passcodes are inside. And this is not the first or even second time I’ve told you this.”
He was right. She recalled him telling her before he left with Logan on an overnight lacrosse trip the previous spring. Her guilt over transferring money from their account returned. She should never have listened to Adele. “I’ll put the money back tomorrow.”
“No,” he said. “If that account provides you with some sense of autonomy that you need, I want you to keep it. But please don’t move any more mon
ey without my knowledge.”
34
The plan was to meet in the courtyard outside Nick’s building and enjoy the fall weather, but it was raining, so Lina instead went up to his office. “What did you do?” he asked after his last patient left and they were alone in his waiting room. “Buy one of everything?”
She smiled as she came to her feet, two overstuffed bags in her arms. “I couldn’t decide, and I knew Logan would finish off anything we don’t, so…” She trailed off as he stopped within inches of her, brushing his lips over her cheek.
“It’s good to see you.” He relieved her of the bags and motioned with his head for her to precede him into his office. “Not as scenic as the courtyard, I’m afraid, but we will remain dry.”
The feeling of his warm lips lingered on her cheek as she stepped into his office and watched him set the bags on the coffee table. “I feel like we should be discussing Katie,” she said as she sat down on the same leather sofa she’d sat on a hundred times over the past year.
“We can if you’d like.” He lowered himself down beside her, his thigh pressing against the length of hers. “How did you sleep?”
“Fine, thanks to the pill. How late did we talk?” She leaned forward and began to empty the contents of the bags onto the coffee table, conscious of the feel and heat of his leg against her own.
“Twelve thirty or one. I didn’t look at the clock.”
“I’m sorry. I promise this isn’t permanent.”
“I’m not complaining.”
“You’re a saint.” She handed him a chicken panini.
“Far from a saint, I’m afraid.” He removed the foil covering his sandwich and raised his eyes to hers. “Is this a nice coincidence or did you remember?”
“That you had a chicken panini the first time I met you? I remembered.”
He breathed in the aroma of the sandwich, a smile lighting his features. “My favorite. Thank you.”
“Maybe you’ll even get to enjoy it while it’s still warm.”
A White Picket Fence Page 21
