There’s only one person that can give me all the answers.
I storm out of the office and spot Violet walking towards me. She smiles brightly, but it’s fuzzy looking through my fury.
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
I grab her elbow and pull her upstairs. “We need to talk,” I growl. The fuzziness turning a cloudy red.
“What the hell, Cooper? You’re hurting me.”
I push open the door to my old room and lock the door behind us. I release her, making her stumble back a bit. With the folder still clenched in my hand, I pace the length of my room.
“What in the world is going on, Cooper?”
“Were you ever going to tell me?” I slam the folder down on the desk next to her. She flinches at my tone, but I don’t give a fuck right now.
Answers. I need answers.
“Tell you? Tell you what?” She looks down at the folder then back to me. Her eyes glaze over in confusion.
“About the baby.”
“The baby?” she says softly, her eyes never leaving mine. “Coop…”
I hold my hand up to stop her from talking. “Yes, Vi, the baby!” I hiss and she takes a step back from me, shaking her head. “An innocent baby you took away from me.”
Her mouth drops open and tears fall from her eyes. I have the sudden urge to hold her in my arms, but I step back instead, needing the extra space.
She shouldn’t be crying, anyway. She’s the one who made the choice to do what she did.
“You know what happened to the baby.” Her voice shakes, barely above a whisper.
“Don’t play fucking games with me. You never told me anything. It sure was never in any letter you ever sent me. I have it here in black and white, oh and even a photo memory of what you did, Violet.” I can feel the vein in my neck pulsate from my rage as I scream at her.
Her eyes finally look down at the folder and she opens it up. She looks over the words on her chart and picks up the sonogram. Her eyes widen, and she covers her mouth with her hand.
“Coop…” she glances up at me, “this isn’t—”
“Just don’t, Vi.” I cut her off, not wanting to listen to her excuses. Yeah, you were caught. You can't get out of this, sweetheart. “I thought there were no secrets between us. How could you do this? To me? To us? I should’ve known there was something else fishy about your mom moving you so quickly.”
“That isn’t mine, Cooper. I never had an abortion. I wouldn't—” Her voice cracks and the sonogram falls from her fingers. “Who gave you this?”
“Doesn’t matter because it has your name written all over it. Violet. Harper. Spencer.” I point to her name on the paper, showing she can’t lie about this.
“It does matter. Because. This. Isn’t. Mine,” she growls back at me stabbing her finger on the paperwork like I did seconds ago. “Now tell me who gave this to you?”
“Your mother gave it to my mother. Told her how you’ve been keeping this from me and thought she had a right to know, I guess. After my mom overheard us talking about a family and you turning me down, she told me.”
Though even as I say the words, they leave a funny taste in my mouth and an unsettling feeling in my stomach.
“My mom told her? And you’re believing this after everything that has happened to us.” She snorts, her tears drying on her face, and she stands a little taller.
I open my mouth and she stops me, poking her finger in my chest. “No, you had your chance to piss all over me. It’s my turn.”
I cross my arms, pretending I don’t give a shit about what she has to say, but I’m actually worried about the words she’s going to unleash on me. There’s a fire in her eyes I've never seen before.
“So, let me ask you something. Do you think after what happened when we were sixteen, I would willingly have an abortion? After how much it hurt to lose our baby, after you saw what it did to me, what it still does to me, you think I would do it on purpose?”
“You’re the one who said you weren’t ready back then, and thought it could ruin me from being a star, remember? So instead of dealing with me, you were selfish and got rid of it.” I can’t control the words as they spill from my mouth. I don’t think Violet would lie to me, but the proof is here, staring at me as if it were a brightly lit theater promenade. It’s not only that; it’s the miserable feeling I have from her telling me today she wasn’t ready, to the miscarriage years ago, to seeing those papers. It’s overriding all rationality.
“I wouldn’t have hidden this from you. God, if I was pregnant we could have gotten married.”
My eyes glance to the papers again. The proof she’s not telling me the truth is glaring at me, mocking me.
It says it there. Why can’t she admit to me?
The anger is back and the devil on my shoulder is encouraging me to keep going with it.
“There’s proof you did hide it from me. Papers which have insurance information and your social on it. Don’t deny it. You fucked up, you fucking did this to us. You killed our baby.”
She stumbles back as if I slapped her in the face. Though I guess in a way, I did. She chokes on her sobs and the tears pour from her face. She tries to wipe them away but they’re falling too fast. I move to her because no matter what, I still love her, and seeing her like this, kills me.
But you caused it dipshit.
“You’re right. I did kill our baby when we were sixteen…I failed. I fucked up because I did something wrong and I’ll never forgive myself for it,” she howls mournfully from deep within her chest, the sound hitting me like a dagger to the heart. It’s the dagger I needed to open my eyes because I was too blind to see what I was doing to her. Now it’s slicing through to my soul, leaving me open and bleeding.
“I’m sorry I failed...” Her shaky words continue to stab me.
No, No, No.
I’m yelling out to her. That’s not what I think, I know she had no control over it. I thought she knew that. “Vi…you didn’t,” I step to her and she backs away again, fearfully. Disgusted.
Her blue eyes turn icy and I feel the temperature of the room drop dramatically.
Everything is crashing around us.
“No,” she screeches, “don’t touch me.”
“I’m sorry…”
“You’re sorry?” she scoffs, the tears still rolling down her rosy cheeks. “Why? Because you choose to believe bullshit from our mothers? Your mother, the woman who has always hated me. Who thinks I’m some slut, has no trouble calling me one at our reception or in the middle of a dress store. She thinks I’m only after your money and planning to trap you with a baby to get more of it! Then you have my mother; her name should’ve been a red flag to anything that was happening. I mean it’s in her nature to lie. I mean she’s only done it to us countless of times. Oh, and it’s not like she didn’t use to work as a medical assistant, and would know how to write up this shit.” I cringe realizing I forgot about that, but I don’t think it would’ve mattered at the time. “But no, you choose to believe them. Sure, you have a piece of paper spilling of their shit, but it shouldn’t matter! You should’ve come to me calmly with what you had. Instead, you grabbed my arm and stepped all over me without trying to explain what was going on, so I would understand. You didn’t give me a chance, you weren’t willing to hear me out. You came in here not wanting to believe me.”
“Ace—” I beg, trying to move to her, but she slides past me heading for the door.
“No, don’t fucking Ace me right now. We promised to stand together against our mothers. Yet, here you are believing everything. I guess maybe they won again....” She trails off, unlocking the door. When she looks at me all I see is defeat in her eyes. She doesn’t say anything else before she’s out the door.
I’m left standing alone as the door closes in my face. My feet feel glued to the carpet, unable to move.
I got my answer, but now I'm left with more questions.
Did I just lose her?
Will she forgive me?
Why would our mothers go this low to tear us apart?
And last of all, why did I let them?
Collecting myself, I grab the folder, and I rush down the stairs to go after her. When I make it to the bottom I come face to face with a pissed off Brody.
“What the fuck did you do to her?” he growls at me.
“Brody, get out of my way.” I try to shove him out of the way, but he shoves me back.
“Not ‘till you tell me what the hell is going on. Violet came down here in tears and when I asked her what happened she said they won before running out the door.”
“I’ll explain later. I need to stop her,” I say urgently, pushing my way past him, but he grabs my shoulder stopping me.
“I think she needs a minute, and you do too.”
“What the hell? Get the fuck out of my way.”
“No, fucker. Tell me, so I can fucking help you.” He pulls me roughly into dad’s office. “I get you two had a fight, and you’re chasing after her with your tail between your legs. But I feel like I’ve always been the third wheel with you two and know your relationship pretty damn well. Almost too fucking well for my own fucking sanity, but I’ve never seen her like that. She looked—broken.”
My heart falls from my chest and shatters at my feet.
“Broken?” I gulp.
“Yeah, much like you do right now, which tells me you know you were being a dumb fuck.” He jabs his finger at me.
“I know,” I mumble.
Listen it’s clear you need someone to talk to. Just tell me. I’m guessing this had something to do with Mom.”
“How you guess that?” I snort and fall into one of dad’s chairs. My body no longer has the strength to stand.
“Oh, I don’t know…the way Mom treats her and the ‘they won’ comment, but I want to know what she did.”
The words quickly stumble out of my mouth as I tell him what took place. I show him the papers and his eyes widen, horrified. “And you just went to her guns blazing?”
“Yeah, when I asked if she was going to tell me about the baby, she kept saying she did. It didn't click right away she was talking about the miscarriage because I was too hung up on the papers. Brody, they look so fucking real.”
He runs his hands through his hair. “I get it, but still man, I was there when you lost the baby. It destroyed both of you. Did she ever see anyone to talk about it?” I shake my head. “And you had no idea how much she was hurting.”
“I knew she thought about it, but it’s been six years. I didn’t know she was still blaming herself for it. She only uttered those words to me once and that was right after it happened. So, no, I didn’t know the extent.”
My head drops to my hands, and I’m at a total loss. “It was just this morning I was asking about having a baby, and she wanted to wait. It’s all I’ve been thinking about lately and it sucked when she told me she wanted to wait. I guess I took it harder than I thought…” I rise to my feet, “I need to go—”
“What’s going on in here?” Our mother walks in with our father behind her.
“Like you don’t fucking know, Mother,” I growl so loudly she takes a step back in shock. “You started this shit. Who knows, maybe you finally got what you wanted.”
“Cooper…” My dad starts and I immediately cut him off.
“No, Dad.” I spit. “Did she tell you she gave me a file and told me Violet had an abortion as soon as she got to Arizona? That she got this file from her mother who hates me and wants us apart?”
Picking the folder off my dad’s desk, I thrust it into his hands.
I’m so fucking angry; at my mom, sure, but more at myself. I let her get into my head, just like Amber did all those years ago. I assumed the worst and once again, instead of listening to Violet and getting her side, I let the evil words haunt me.
My dad’s eyes scan the papers and the sonogram. He turns to his wife, confused. “What is this, Evelyn?”
“Amber gave it to me and told me it’s why she hightailed it out of Riverside. Violet wanted the abortion but didn’t want to tell Cooper. So, she moved her out, helped her get it done, and that way she couldn’t make the mistake again. You had the right to know, Cooper. I didn’t expect you to handle it here.”
“But you did. Like perfect timing right before a tour to fuck it all up for us. You took the knowledge I wanted kids and exploited it.”
“That’s not true. I really wasn’t going to tell you, and then I heard you talking today. It’s not like I could have made this up in the time frame of today. I had no idea you wanted kids, and hearing what was being said, it concerned me, knowing what I knew! She was going to break your heart, Cooper. You needed to have this out. She did something wrong. You missed this chance because she took it away from you.”
“She didn’t take anything away from me, Mother. She didn’t have it done because she wasn’t pregnant then,” I bellow and step forward to get in her face, but my dad puts his hand out to stop me.
“Yes, she did. She’s trying to protect herself. It’s there in black, white, and gray, Cooper. She took your chance away from being a father. Sure, there’s no way I would have been thrilled about you having a kid so young, but I would have helped. She could’ve given it to you and not been so selfish.” Her voice is clipped, and raised, pointing her fingers at the vile, red folder.
“She’s not being selfish, Mom,” I yell back, begging for her to listen to what I’m saying. Much like Violet was trying to do to me.
Beside me, Brody runs his hands through his hair, his eyes darting between our verbal volley.
“I know she didn’t do this. I’m the one who fucked up by accusing her, because I believed something you said. I trusted you more than you deserve. Hell, I even gave Amber fucking way too much trust.”
“So, you’re just taking her word? Even when it’s in front of you?”
“Didn't you hear me? It came from Amber. I don’t know when you two suddenly became all buddy-buddy, but her word is as good as shit. I can admit, you had me fooled, and it looks fucking real. The thing is you have no idea—” A large lump collects in my throat. I’m about to admit to her something only two other people know. “The thing is you have no idea what we went through before. I should’ve never even believed for a millisecond she could do it.” I shake my head and find myself crying, falling back into the chair. “She wouldn’t have because she knows how it feels. I know how it feels—”
The moment of when I found her in that bathroom surrounded by blood, to rushing her to the hospital, and all the tears we shed together flash through my mind. How many times back then did I see she was always trying to convince herself it would be alright, to convince me, so we could survive it? The thing is: do you survive it or learn to live with it?
“Cooper?” My dad kneels in front of my chair, placing his hand on my knee.
I sniffle and wipe away my running nose and tears. “What do you mean you know how it feels?”
“When we were sixteen, Vi had a miscarriage.” I hear my mother gasp as my dad stares at me in disbelief. “We were away, together for Valentine’s. We didn’t know she was and I found her in the bathroom, bleeding and in pain. We thought maybe it was a bad period, but it didn’t stop and the pain got worse. So, I took her to the hospital and we found out she was having a miscarriage. For the longest time the Vi I knew vanished. It ate away at us both. I knew she thought about it…but…” My words fall off. The words of her blame hit me like a slap again.
“She had a miscarriage?” my mom whispers, and I finally look back over at her. Through my hazy eyes, I see the shocked look and her eyes watering.
“Yeah, she did. That’s what makes this all worse,” I sigh. “You know, I would tell myself it would be okay. That we could move on, but you don’t. I still think about it, the what if, and the what could’ve been. Sometimes I wonder if you and Amber weren’t so vengeful on breaking us—maybe it wouldn’t have happened, or maybe w
e could’ve talked to you and you could have helped us. Tried to tell us it would be okay. Especially Vi.”
I remember vividly Vi’s sorrowful eyes she wore for months after it happened. She suffered the most and I was never enough to completely help her heal. What she needed and maybe what I needed was someone to talk to who wasn’t so close and vent out the heartache it brought us.
My eyes glance to my mother who has tears in her eyes and my father's arm around her shoulder. Though, I wonder how she could be upset when she helped create that whole mess. Brody grips my shoulder, giving me his silent support.
No one says anything, waiting for me to continue.
“We couldn’t tell you because we didn’t want you to try to break us up over it when we needed each other the most. Imagine how easy it was for you today; could you picture how easy it would’ve been six years ago when we were pretty much defeated?” I stand and turn to get in my mother’s face. “It’s my fault today for fucking up with Vi. I should’ve known it was a scheme to break us. The thing is all of this could've been avoided if you’d just supported us in the first place.” I point my finger in her face. “Why did you want to destroy her? Destroy what we have? How could you never see how happy she makes me?”
I see the confliction in my mother's eyes, but she remains quiet, which only makes me madder.
“WHY?” I scream so loud the wall shakes. All the veins in my neck pulsate with my anger.
Brody and my dad grab my shoulders pulling me away from my mother. I shove them off once I’m far enough away.
“Tell me! And not the bullshit stuff you told me in high school. A real reason!”
“Because I thought she would be like her mother,” she whispers, and her body sags.
“What?”
“The night you went to jail for beating up that boy, I watched Amber take the bribe money without even blinking. I saw Violet’s neck and all I could think was what mother would settle so quickly when her daughter had those nasty bruises. I confronted her and she turned it on you; made it your fault.”
She’s right about Amber, but I’m still failing to see how it falls on my wife.
I Found You Page 23
