“I didn’t want you mixed up with a family like that, especially at the time when me and your father had great hopes for a prestigious future.”
“Yeah, a future I didn’t want,” I hiss. “Vi, Brody, and Dustin were the only ones who had hopes for the future I wanted.”
Mom smoothes her dress and stares for too long at her shoes. “I get it now,” she admits what I already knew. “Though at the time, I wanted you far away for that kind of trouble. One that could ruin your future. So, I mentioned your issues with fighting to Amber, hoping it would be enough to keep you away from her and suggested as well, it would be better to keep you two apart.” She pinches the bridge of her nose and closes her eyes. “It didn’t work, of course. When you two would go running off, getting drunk, it proved more to me you guys needed to not be together. Yes, you were happy, but you weren't—” A large sigh leaves her lips and she looks back at me sternly, and exasperated. A look I know well from getting in trouble all the time. “You weren’t behaving. I really thought putting all your focus on music back then was a pipe dream. You had a chance at Princeton and I thought you were throwing it away for playing guitar at a coffee house. Sure, I was wrong, but at the time...I tried to let it go, but another thing would happen, like skipping school or coming into the house at three a.m. wasted. I thought it was because of her because when she left and you stopped all that.”
“I did stop coming home late, but I was drinking in my room instead. How could you not notice how miserable I was without her? You saw, you watched how it fucking destroyed me when I thought she didn’t want me…” I shake my head, remembering the hurt and my break down in front of her house that fateful day. “But why couldn’t you let it go after we were married? Everyone in this house knew I still loved her. You’ve seen my house.”
Brody snorts, and I turn to him glaring. “Sorry,” he holds up his hands, “but it’s a good point. You’ve seen his shrine, the mushy love songs that made him huge. I don’t get how you can’t see how helpless the boy is without her.”
“I do—”
“Then why did you and Amber suddenly chum up to do this to us?”
My mother’s head drops to her feet and she doesn’t say anything, playing with her wedding rings. This isn’t the same woman I’ve known who is ready to stand up for any fight and win.
“Evelyn?” My dad stands and moves to her, putting his hand on her shoulder. “What the hell did you do?”
“I thought I was doing the right thing for our son,” she mumbles.
“By trying to destroy my marriage?” I growl, getting pissed all over again. I’m not playing this fucking game of dancing in circles.
“Yes,” she mumbles, relenting, and moves to sit in a chair. “Amber called me early that morning after you got married. She was angry you had somehow weaseled yourself back into Violet’s life. I was mad she had the nerve to say that, and I said it was her daughter trying to take your money. She agreed to disagree and asked if we could work together for what we both wanted this time.”
“You can’t compare Vi to her mother…”
“He’s right,” my dad interrupts. “If I had known this was your main reason I would’ve convinced you otherwise when they were kids. Instead, you convinced me she was making him lose focus, and yes, I also thought the music was a dead end, but not the way you saw it. I wanted him to be a Princeton man, to become a lawyer or politician like me.” He turns to me and smiles. “You could argue yourself out of everything and I wanted you to put it to something good.”
Yeah, I was pretty good at fighting for what I wanted, especially when it came to seeing Vi—no matter how much they fought, I did win.
Turning his attention back to my mother he moves in front of her and takes her hands in his. “But you knew also no matter what I would always stand by you. Violet is a wonderful girl and if you focus away from her mother’s doing, you would have noticed even though he was staying out late and drinking, he stopped fighting and he was happy. They were only running off to be together, and you can't blame them. We were kids once and disobeyed our parents when they went against us. But now, since she came back, I don’t know how you can’t see how much happier he is. I was convinced the light in his eyes was gone forever, but Violet brought it back.”
“I’m starting to see that. I saw it at the Ball when I kept trying to knock her down. The woman, Caroline, I admit was a setup between me and her mother to make Violet jealous and angry at you.”
“Like you did with Ainsley?” I say her name with disdain. She still makes my skin crawl and my dick want to hide.
“Yes,” she mumbles, “but after Violet went off on us, Ainsley had enough because you weren't worth your wife's ire. I would go to find that out myself...” She trails off and a small grin raises the corner of her lips.
“Find out how?” I ask curiously.
“I said things to her and she threw the wine at me at the ball…”
“Wait. Violet threw the wine at you?”
I had a gut feeling about it, but neither one had said anything. I figured if it was true one of them would’ve called out the other, so I let it go.
I should have pushed harder.
“Yes, and I deserved it. I said hurtful things, hurtful things which are now much worse in the light of tonight. I was tempted to go to you and make it her fault, but I noticed she didn’t tell you what happened and thought better of it. It made me realize...she probably never told you everything going on. She probably didn’t mention all I said at the reception or the dress shop, or blame me for the dress mix up.”
I should’ve fucking known. Why didn’t I know?!
“She had so many opportunities to turn you against me and she didn’t. I didn’t see it ‘till I was covered in wine.”
“She didn’t want to turn me against you. I kept asking and she said it wasn’t a big deal because at least my mother didn’t sell me out for cash. But you sold me out another way, didn’t you? You knew there was something off with the papers, and you still did it…”
“Yes, but I read the papers over twenty times. All of it seemed legit. The clinic and the doctor she saw were real, even the sonogram was realistic. I didn’t plan on telling you, I figured you had to know, and there might have been a reason to why she had it done. But when I heard you guys talking about having kids and hearing her resistance, I thought she was being selfish like her mother and denying what you wanted. I let my own bitterness and heartache take over. I’ve had miscarriages and I couldn’t imagine not carrying a baby. So thinking she didn’t want to ever give you a child, thinking that she got rid of your child before, I caved and confronted you.”
“But now I might never have the chance with her. Fuck!” I scream the obscenity and collapse to a chair.
“Cooper, I’m sor—”
“Are you?” I snap, cutting her off. “You should’ve never meddled in the first place. You saw what Amber was like and hooked up with her for your sick twisted games. Sure, I was stupid enough to believe what you were handing me, that’s on me. I’ll never forgive myself, but this could’ve all been avoided if you tried for me. If she doesn’t forgive me...” My breathing becomes heavy and I feel the walls caving in around me. I can’t breathe.
“Cooper you need to relax. Take deep breaths, man…” Brody’s voice sounds distorted in my ears. His hand is on my shoulder and I try to take slow breaths. I can’t see him through the fog because all I see is Violet leaving me, hating me.
I accused her of having an abortion. I didn’t listen to her. I trusted the people who were always trying to tear us down.
What did I do?
I take out my phone and dial her number again and again. All I get is voicemail. Everything is hazy, my cheeks are soaked, and my chest is heaving.
I need to get out of here.
“I need to go see her.” I stand up and stumble backward. Brody catches me before I fall to the ground.
"You're in no shape to drive, I'll drive you."
My panic rises to heart attack level when I see clothes scattered, a drawer hanging open, and clothes missing off hangers.
She’s gone.
“NO!!” I bellow. “Fuck, no!” I grab the first thing I can and throw it at the wall and collapse into the cushioned bench.
“Cooper,” Brody yells, gripping my shoulders. My head snaps up, tears running down my face. “It’s okay,”
“Like fuck it is,” I growl. “She left.”
“Yes, but she went to her dad’s.”
"How do you know?"
"She left a note on the bed." He hands it to me and I read the hurried scribble.
I went to my dad's. I don't know when I'll be back, and as of now I can't go on tour with you. We made a promise, and the first chance you got, you broke it. I'll call Brody and I’ll do what I can from dad's house. I'm not saying goodbye, but what you accused me of— what you thought I could do to our child—sliced through my very soul and I can't see you ‘till it stops hurting so bad.
I crumble the note in my hands and let it fall to the floor. I fucked everything up.
Baby, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.
ELEVEN
August 2nd, 2001
Cooper
I ’m lying in bed wrapped around Violet’s naked body, in some dingy motel with ripped floral wallpaper, twenty miles out of Riverside. X-Rated had a gig at the local bowling alley, which paid us only in hotdogs and free games. It doesn’t matter where we play as long as my music is being heard.
Plus, I like hotdogs and bowling.
The upside was we sold a bunch of CD’s which helped pay for this room so Violet and I can be alone. Her and her mom got into it yesterday over her mom’s boyfriend. Vi thinks he’s a creep and told her mom so. It escalated when her mom said it wasn't any of her business. She didn’t understand how her mom could have so many opinions about our relationship, yet she gets none with hers.
That’s what I made out through the hiccup cries.
It was a mess, which ended with me having to pick her up on the corner by her house around eleven. Her face was tear stained, her body was trembling, and her voice hoarse from yelling. There’s nothing worse than seeing her cry, especially after these last six months. Vi was finally going back to her normal self after the miscarriage, the light was coming back in her eyes, and she was getting out, living again. Then her mother would bring her down and Vi would crumble inside all over again.
I had to sneak her into my room for the night because there was no way she was going back home when she needed me. I doubt her mom even knew she left. Which brings us here, now, avoiding going home for one more day.
With her father on a boat somewhere at sea, she didn't get to spend the summer with him and had no one to call who understands how ‘truly crazy Mom really is’—her words. Violet didn’t know how to share the news of our loss with her dad and was too afraid he’d be disappointed in her. In us. I urged her to, but didn’t want to push it too hard.
I spent a lot of time online searching sites on how to help us cope. I stumbled on a bunch of parenting blogs where people wrote out their stories. It opened my eyes to know we aren’t alone. The one story I related to the most was about remembering that they’re always watching you from heaven. I’ve never been very religious, but it gave me hope, and inspired me to write a song for us to remember them. When I first sang it, the light in Violet’s eyes flickered on again. I haven’t sung it to her in a while, but I can tell she needs it.
My hand brushes down her shoulder, over her flat stomach, and I whisper the song into her ear.
“You were sent home to fly with the angels.
Made with so much love
You needed to share it with heavens.
You'll always be with us
And showed us our love had room to grow.”
She turns around in my arms and wraps her arms around my neck. “Thank you.” She kisses me softly. “Your singing always makes me feel better.”
“What would you have done if I couldn't carry a tune?”
She purses her lips together and looks at the ceiling, before looking back at me with a humorous gleam in her eyes. “Um…hope you'd still have your writing skills and could read me poetry?”
“And if I sucked at that too?”
“Well, you're really good in bed and it trumps everything, so we’d be finnnne.” She exaggerates the n’s and rubs her core against my cock.
Violet buries her face into the side of my neck, littering little kisses in her wake. When she reaches my lips she stops and looks at me seriously.
“You’re going to still love me when you become a star right, Coop? Even if it’s only on the bowling circuit.”
“Of course. It’s always going to be me and you. You’ll be my manager or personal groupie.”
She smacks me lightly in the chest, giggling. “I’d make a terrible manager,” she jokes, and I push her into the mattress.
“Groupie it is then.” I tickle her side and she falls into a fit of giggles. “I’ll pay you only in hot dogs, too. If you know what I mean...” I wiggle my eyebrows, continuing to tickle her sides.
Between her uncontrollable laughter, she begs me to stop. I finally release her and she has tears running down her cheek from laughing so hard. The smile on her face lights up the whole room, and there’s nothing more for me in this life; I love nothing more than making her smile.
I don’t know if I could handle not being the one to make her smile anymore.
“Good thing I like your weenie.” She giggle snorts at her little joke.
“I love you.” I kiss her, as I sink into her again. “You’ll always be mine, Ace. Nothing will ever stand in our way.”
She moans, wrapping her legs around my back as I fill her completely. “You and me against the world. Forever.”
July 7th, 2006
Violet
“Little Angel we never knew
You'll always be ours
Always in our hearts.
We'll never forget you though we never got to meet you.
You’re a part of me, a part of her
Made of our love
Flying in heaven
one day we will finally meet
and wrap you in our wings.
Little Angel, fly.
Fly high with your wings
Know you'll always be loved
Soaring through our hearts
Where you stay with us
For always.”
I whisper the lyrics to the song Cooper wrote all those years ago. When I was at my lowest, he would sing this to me, and I don't think he knew how much hearing it helped mend my broken heart. Our baby isn’t here, but he is somewhere safe. Cooper never talked as much about how much he was hurting. I know he held it in to be strong for me, but the lyrics told me how emotionally attached he was to our loss. For him, the only way he could get those feelings out was through song. He had recorded it on a CD for me, and I would listen to it every time I felt empty.
Like now.
Life has felt empty these last five days. I'm surrounded by dark clouds and a monsoon of tears. My life has come to a halt, and I don't know how to get past this pain.
I miss him.
Though, no matter how much I miss him, I can’t seem to get past this hurt he’s inflicted upon me.
Cooper left on tour a couple days ago, and I haven’t talked to him since our fight. Maybe I’m being stubborn; I always have been when it comes to arguments, but every time I think about it, my heart clenches in my chest. He looked at me as if he hated me.
I see that look every time I close my eyes.
He’s been sending me messages and countless flowers, telling me how sorry he is. Though I know he’s sorry, I can’t escape this ache I have deep in my soul, caused by him.
You did th
is. You killed our baby.
The stinging words he said play in my head on a loop. I know he wasn’t talking about our miscarriage, but the words sting all the same. The blame I’ve put on myself for years coming to life from the person I love the most. But in that moment, he really believed I would abort our child. Believing our mothers before me.
I don't care how real those papers looked. I thought he knew me better than that.
I look down at my wedding rings and think back to that night we got married. As much as I always loved him, maybe we shouldn’t have gotten married after being apart for four years.
I don’t regret it for a second, though, and would do it all over again. I love him, even if right now, I want to punch him in his perfect face.
Then there’s poor Brody, who is always stuck between us. Though, I think this is the first major fight we’ve ever had where we have gone days without talking or seeing each other.
We were lovers, not fighters.
The thought makes me laugh for the first time in days.
Brody calls me every day, and I do what I can from this end, but it isn’t the same. He says he understands, but he wants us to make up before he loses the rest of his sanity.
It’s after eleven in the morning, and I’m still wrapped in my blankets in bed with my laptop to the side looking at concert pictures and articles from last night’s show.
Cooper looks miserable, unshaven and like he hasn’t slept all week.
Broken. Like me.
And no matter how pissed I am, I just want to hold him.
There’s even an article about how he’s acting differently on this tour and they’re assuming his new marriage is on the rocks.
“Vi?” my dad calls through the door following a knock.
“Come in.” I close my laptop, and wipe the tears I didn't realize were falling again.
“Hey, someone is here to talk to you,” he says, walking fully into my room.
I Found You Page 24
