“Who?” It can't be Cooper he should be in Phoenix.
Maybe I should go see him while he’s close by. He plays Tucson tomorrow. Also, I could see Julie and Alexa….
“Evelyn.” My ears perk up and away from my thoughts. Evelyn? She’s in my father’s house?
“Wha—? Why is she here?” I can’t keep the surprise out of my voice, wondering what she could want to say to me. Through Cooper’s countless emails and voicemails, he mentioned having it out with his mother and telling her about the miscarriage. But even if she’s feeling sorry now, that doesn’t mean I want to talk to her.
“She came over to talk to me, filling me in on what she’s done. She also showed me the file your mother gave her.” He clenches his jaw trying to fight off his temper. “It was very convincing that's for sure…”
“Yeah, I know. Listen, I get why Evelyn believed it; it was Cooper who should’ve never believed it.” The bitterness rolls off my tongue. I can’t stop it every time I think about it. “We went through it together, he knew—” I close my eyes, trying to keep the damn tears at bay.
“I know.” He sits down next to me on my bed and takes my hand. “I wish you told me, honey.”
When I’d arrived at his house, I had cried into his arms and told him everything: the miscarriage and mom’s handy work of trying to ruin my marriage, of trying to ruin me. He’d listened to me and before he could give me his fatherly advice I passed out. I haven’t been able to talk more about it since.
“I just didn’t want you to be disappointed or mad. Or maybe even end up killing Cooper.”
“I wouldn’t have been disappointed. I wasn’t dumb, Vi. I knew what you two were doing. One of the reasons I continued to give the boy a hard time. I would have loved you through it, honey.”
I nod my head, and the tears slip from my eyes. “Does it ever stop hurting? I know women go through this all the time and further along. I almost feel guilty for feeling this way when there are people suffering more.”
My father puts his arm around me and pulls me closer. “I’ve never personally dealt with this before, but I can’t imagine it’s something you forget. I’m sure you hold it in your heart forever, no matter how far along you were, or if you knew or not, he or she was still your child. And your pain isn’t measured by someone else’s.” My head falls against his shoulder. It feels good to finally talk to someone else about this. I’ve bottled it up for so long and this is a sweet release. “I believe, like any loss, you learn to keep moving and have to know it’s okay to keep living your life. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I’m so scared to try again,” I whisper.
“Have you told Cooper that?”
“No,” I utter the word guiltily. “I always thought he knew, but I was wrong. He never mentioned wanting to try ‘till the other day, but then he thought I could…I could have an abortion...after everything.” My voice cracks and there’s a dry ache in the back of my throat from all the tears I’ve shed.
“I know.” His arm rubs my back consoling me. “She caught him at a vulnerable time, but you and Evelyn didn’t know how much he was hurting. Like you, he didn’t communicate his real feelings. He messed up, but he knows that. Maybe he does deserve the silent treatment, but it’s not helping either of you. You’re going to have to talk to him. I don’t think this house can take another flower arrangement. If you want to save what you have and move on, you need to talk.”
My heavy heart finally drops to my stomach. All the most recent pictures I’ve seen of him flash in my mind. He’s a mess, I’m a mess. I told him it wasn’t goodbye, but in his hundreds of email, I wonder if it’s how he took it.
Should I have stayed and talked to him? He was crying when I walked out the door, but he believed them, when we promised we wouldn’t.
“Stop that!” My dad hugs me to him, and his scent of sandalwood comforts me. “You did what you needed to for you. I couldn’t tell you how many times I walked away from your mom or she did from me when we had enough. Now, we didn’t make it, but it doesn’t mean this is it for you. We had much bigger problems. This isn’t good, but it’s not the end.”
I nod. “That doesn’t mean I want to talk to Evelyn.”
“I think you should. It’ll help the healing process. You don’t have to take her apology, but maybe it will be good to hear what she has to say. That way you can start to move forward without any more of her meddling. She’s here. It’s more than I can say for your mother.”
I snort, this is true. I should call and scream at her, but I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of thinking she won. Plus, it’s not like she’s tried reaching out to me. She can rot and I won’t care if I never talk to her again. For all the things she has done to me, I don't want her. In my heart, she’s no longer my mother.
“What did she tell you?”
“Everything, since the first time she knew about you at the police station ‘till now. I gave her hell, don’t you worry, but it’s your turn. She’s your mother in law.” He pats my leg, chuckling. “Plus, you need to get out of this bed. You're starting to leave indents in the mattress from all your lying around. It’s not healthy.”
Throwing my hair into a messy bun, I take a minute to stare at the girl in the mirror. My face is pale, large dark circles hoop under my eyes from all the crying and lack of sleep. I need make-up, stat, to cover this disaster. I debate changing out of my sweatpants and Cooper’s Spinal Tap T-shirt that I stole back in high school but decide, fuck it. I’m not glamming up for her; let her see what she did to me. If she’s truly sorry, maybe she’ll give a shit about my raggedy muffin appearance.
My cell phone buzzes with a text message on my dresser. I already know who it is before I open it.
Coop:I LOVE YOU
My fingers hover over the keyboard wondering if I should return the message.
Flipping the phone closed I decide I need to handle Evelyn first. Get that obstacle out of the way before me and Cooper finally talk. Tossing the phone back on the dresser, I make my way downstairs, preparing myself for the worst.
I find Evelyn and my dad on the couch. Both of them turn to me, and Evelyn gives me a genuine warm, yet sad smile. I’ve never seen her loo at me like this before. It's kind of creepy, and makes me wonder what episode of the twilight zone I walked into.
“I'll leave you two.” My dad stands and I try to will him with my eyes not to leave. “You'll be fine,” he says answering my silent begging.
He moves to the kitchen as I plop on the couch in front of Evelyn. In the middle of the coffee table, I spot a shoebox with the name Louboutin etched across the top.
Did she come to bribe me with shoes? Because those sure don’t go with my dad’s attire.
“You wanted to talk?”
“I came here because I owe you an apology. Actually, I owe you more than that.” I nod, telling her I'm listening and to continue. “You know the old adage, don’t judge a book by its cover, well, I misjudged you and never gave you a chance, based on your mother's actions alone. Now, I’m not saying everything was her fault,” she quickly adds, “I should’ve known better and seen around it—but I couldn’t because I did truly believe you were helping push Cooper down the wrong path.”
“I never pushed him down the wrong path, I only encouraged him to do what he loved.” I cross my arms.
I’m so sick of explaining myself.
“Yes, I know. I was blinded, but now I’ve seen what I was missing. I actually admire you, Violet.” My mouth pops open and I suddenly have the urge to clean my ears. “You had so many times to throw me under the bus and turn my son against me. We both know my son would have done anything to make sure you were happy. Even if it meant cutting me off, but you didn’t. My sons told me why you kept the burden of what I was doing to yourself for the sake of our relationships and I admire you for it. I know I couldn’t have done the same if it was the other way around. I only wish it didn’t take me so long to see how good you truly are.�
�
I’m astonished by her heartfelt words. I’m not even sure what to make of them in this moment or know what to say. So instead, I stare at her blankly as she continues.
“I don’t want to stand in your way anymore. I want you both to be happy. I’m not sure if I can make it up to you ever for what I did, but I’ll keep trying to show you I’ve changed and support you two.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose and take a deep breath.
Move forward. My dad’s words echo in my ears. That’s all I want. I want my husband back and to go back to the way we were. One less enemy is one less pain in the ass sticking their business where it doesn’t belong.
“Okay, I have some questions.”
“Anything.”
“Why didn’t you come to me when you got those papers from my mom? Or at least to both of us? You were willing to tear your son's heart out just to get rid of me?” My voice cracks and it’s scary how much of this pain could’ve been avoided if Evelyn had used common sense.
Her shoulders sag. “Because at first, I wasn’t going to say anything. I figured Cooper knew by now, but after I overheard you—” she looks to the front door, though I don’t miss the look of regret in her eyes. “Hearing you talk, and how you pushed back against the idea of kids, then thinking you had the abortion, I jumped to conclusions. Your mother said you would never tell him, and I thought he had the right to know because it was something he wanted. I was convinced you were taking it away from him.”
“I would never, but despite the past, I’m only twenty-one. We’re young and just married. Did that not occur to you? I get what my mother handed to you was very believable. I don’t fault you for thinking it was real, but I do for you going to Cooper with it and not me. You used his pain against him on purpose to use against me. That’s why I'm not sure if it’s forgivable.”
“I understand, because I’m not sure I could forgive myself,” she says softly, reaching for her tea.
“Does my mother know you used her bait? Because what you did doesn’t make you any better than her.” I wonder if my mom knows how much damage she has caused.
Did she pour the celebratory champagne yet?
“No. I had told her I wasn’t sure if I would say anything either. And I won't tell her now either. I've learned my lesson. She’s been trying to call me, but I’ve sent all her calls to voicemail.”
My hands push through my hair, confused about what to do. She seems sorry, my dad thinks she’s sorry, but there’s a part of me waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“Does Coop know you’re here?”
“Brody knows. Cooper won’t talk to me right now. I’m sure his brother told him. You know how they are.”
I do. I roll my eyes thinking those two are worse than girls when keeping secrets from each other.
“Okay,” I mutter. “I don’t know what else to say or do.”
“We don’t have to iron out anything right now. I know it’ll take some time, and it’s okay.” I notice the tears swimming in her eyes. Honest to goodness tears. Something I’ve never seen her do or thought she was capable of. “I just want you to know, I really do wish I was smarter because knowing now what you guys suffered alone with your miscarriage tears me up inside. As a mother, no matter how young you both were, I should’ve been there, gotten you help. I had three before I had Dustin. It was hard, but I had support and someone to talk to. I should’ve seen how different he was—and maybe even you. I caught you a couple times together on my lawn crying but didn’t think much of it. So, I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t ever go away, but it’ll get easier.”
I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. “I know. I’m okay ‘till I think about trying again and wondering if…” I snap my mouth shut and realize I don’t want to purge my feelings to her.
“Don’t let it stop you from wanting when you’re ready. We never know what will happen and the what if’s will crumble you more than the trying. Trust me. The best advice I got—and I know you don’t want to hear it from me—is don’t try, let it happen.”
I let her words sink in and give her a small nod. “Okay.”
“Oh, before I forget, I have something to give you.” She changes the conversion and I wonder if she can feel my uneasiness. “Well, they’re for Cooper, but I thought you might want to be the one to give them to him.”
She picks up the brown shoe box and hands it to me. I peer at the box skeptically on my lap, knowing these aren’t Louboutins before opening it.
My jaw drops when I see all the unopened envelopes that have Cooper’s name and address written on them in my handwriting.
“You kept them,” I whisper my disbelief, and look back up at my mother in law. “Why?”
Her eyes flick away from me with guilt. I really don’t know who this woman is today. The shame, the admitting of wrongs, the kindness, is all a new look on her, and I can’t help but wonder if this is who she truly is.
“After Cooper came back from seeing you, only days after your mother had called telling me you moved on, he was a mess. Crying and screaming that you had moved on. He locked himself in his room for days and wouldn’t eat.”
My already aching heart shreds a little bit more. Hearing of his pain, I swear if I see my mother again, I might rip her apart.
At least Evelyn is making an effort.
“He left a month later, got a record deal, yet your letters kept coming and I thought you were either trying to lead him on or going to break his heart again. But for some reason, I’m not even sure of, I didn't have the heart to get rid of them. I’m sorry, and I know it’s too late for them.”
“Thank you, I’ll give these to him—” I frown, realizing I’m going to have to talk to him if I want to do that.
“I hope it’s sooner than later. I’d like to see you both happy again, rubbing it in my face, and your moms face too. Because the both of you can’t keep going on acting like zombies.”
Shortly after Evelyn and I finished our talk, my dad came back into the room and offered lunch. Evelyn declined, wanting to get on her way, and saying she’d already taken up enough of our time.
I still haven’t accepted her apology, but there might be some hope for that in the future. Especially, if Cooper and I ever have kids; I’d like them to have one grandma.
My mom won’t even look at my children ‘till she repents of all she’s done, and that will be a cold, rainy ass day in hell, I’m sure. She was never one for ‘I’m sorry’s’ unless they benefited her somehow.
I lay the shoebox down on my bed, letting my finger run over the white envelopes, wondering how life would be different if he’d gotten these. Glancing at my phone, I figure now is better than later to reach out to him. When I open my phone and I have a new email from him.
* * *
To: Violet Reid
Subject: I miss you
From: Cooper Reid
I know you won’t reply, and I’m not sure if you’re even reading these. I guess I still can’t blame you.
I’m about to go onstage and wanted to tell you again I love you and miss you so much.
I don’t know if I’ll ever say sorry enough. I kick myself every day for believing my mom and for not listening to you.
The pain of our loss still affects me more than I ever thought it could. She used ammunition against me she didn’t even know she had. Then blend it with our conversation that afternoon. I was blinded and couldn’t see reason.
But it’s not an excuse. I should’ve never assumed, and no matter what given you a chance to talk and to listen.
I wish I could take it all back. I was an idiot, I’m so sorry.
You not being here with me is killing me…but I can’t blame you. I know you hate me now. I hate myself too.
I don’t want to lose you.
I love you, Ace.
Sweet dreams,
Cooper.
* * *
I take a deep breath and decide to answer him after five long days.
T
hough I had every right to be mad and ignore him, my dad is right; only talking, will things start to work again. We’re married now. This can’t be the thing that breaks up apart. Regardless of how pissed I am, they can’t win again.
* * *
To Cooper Reid
Subject: I miss you too
From: Violet Reid
I love you too. I promise we will talk soon.
I know you haven’t been sleeping. I can tell by the pictures I’ve seen of you.
Promise me, tonight, you will get some rest. I should have answered you sooner and I’m sorry I didn’t.
I miss you too. I promise, I’m not going anywhere. We just need to talk.
Please get some sleep.
Love,
Violet x
* * *
I send the e-mail and I know it’s not enough. There’s only one thing I can do now.
I dial the familiar number and it rings. It’s after six and they’re probably in the middle of setting up the show, but I can’t wait ‘till later.
“Vi?” he yells over the loud music in the background.
“Brody, I need your help…”
The next morning, I’m standing in front of Room 1430 at the Desert Diamond Hotel. My wonderful brother in law picked me up at the airport at five a.m. half asleep. He caught me up on tonight's work, but told me that under no circumstances was I to come out of the room ‘till me and Coop have made up.
Brody gave me his key to the room and I walk in closing the door quietly behind me. The room is bathed in darkness, but I hear the melody of a guitar playing from inside the suite’s bedroom. I drop my bag and flick on the light, noticing right away the bottles of beer laying everywhere. Brody did mention he’d been drinking like a fish the last couple of days.
Yet, he’s still not sleeping.
I follow the music into the bedroom. There’s my husband, sitting on the edge of the bed, playing his guitar to a tune I’ve never heard before. I smile, wondering if this is something new he has written, because the melody is new to my ears, and also somewhat depressing.
I Found You Page 25
