Life's Lessons on Stress

by Nona Mae King

  ~*~

  "There's a white one!" Sally exclaimed brightly.

  I looked over my shoulder in time to see the white chocobo dive into a nearby grove. I smiled and moved my gaze back to her. She continued to stare in the direction the chocobo had disappeared. I gave a slight shake of my head and pulled some of the containers from the picnic basket. After a little bit, Sally sat back on her heels and helped set up the picnic plates and glasses.

  "I've never seen so many chocobos before. They're so cute."

  "Yeah, but they're a pain in the ass to catch and ride. That's why we're going to the farm to ride a tamed one."

  Sally sent me a look from under her lashes. "I'd rather just hang out here, Zell. If you don't mind?" she said softly.

  I handed her a bottle of soda. "Sure. No problem." Hell no it's not a problem!

  Sally rested her hands on her legs and released a deep breath as she looked around. "Zell, I really want them to build a Garden here. The people are nice, and it's so pretty." She met my gaze. "I love it here."

  I smiled. "Yeah. It's cool, huh?" Sweet!

  "And you wouldn't mind moving, would you?" Sally asked, hesitant.

  I changed my focus to the plates and containers, absently moving food onto our plates. "'Course not. I want to travel around. Remember?" What am I gonna do if Laguna doesn't sell the house? "And I've liked this place from the first." Dude. Maybe I can get a house built.

  Sally moved her gaze to her small sandwich. "It'll be strange living so far from home, though," she admitted softly.

  My hands paused as dread punched me full-force in the stomach. I slowly lifted my eyes to watch her face. She didn't look sad, but she definitely thought hard about something.

  Then she lifted her eyes to meet mine. "Zell, was it hard being away from Ma? When you and the others were doing all the fighting?"

  "Well, yeah, sure. Being away from family's always rough. But I had my friends. And my family was the whole reason I kept at it."

  Sally slightly nodded as she again lowered her eyes to a scrutiny of her untouched food. I rubbed at the back of my neck as I watched her. This was always what got me. I mean, I knew how close she and her folks were, and I felt like scum taking her away from them. But--Damn.

  "Hey, Sally."

  Sally lifted her eyes and smiled. I'm sorry, guys, but it was sweetness itself. "Hm?"

  I released a slow breath. "Kitten, you don't have to do it just for me." I'll just think of something else.

  Her smile didn't fade from her eyes as she picked up a sandwich half and took a bite. "Do what?" she asked, with her mouth full, I might add.

  "Winhill. Doing the security thing and stuff." I can always take the job at Combat King.

  Sally swallowed her bite. "I know, but I want to." She offered me the other half of her sandwich.

  I took it. "What about your folks?"

  Sally's eyes widened, and she paused right as she was about to take another bite. "You don't think they'll want me to do it?"

  Okay. Now I'm confused. "Of course they'll want you to do it. It's a great step up." I pointed at her. "I was just thinkin' you didn't want to move so far from your folks."

  Sally smiled again. "I don't, not really, but it'll be good for me. Dad's always saying I need to get more independent. And Zack's always giving me a hard time about 'cut the apron strings'."

  And her impression of Zack had me howling with laughter.

  Sally moved to lay on her stomach, feet crossed at the ankles as they dangled in the air. She couldn't look any sexier. "It'll be great fun," she finished.

  And I'd have her all to myself--Booya!--Well, almost.

  I copied her position and gave her a slight kiss on the nose. "Cool."

  Sally's eyes twinkled as she fed me a grape. "You thought I wouldn't want to come? Zell, this place is awesome. I'd be crazy to not want to live here."

  "Hey. It's tough leaving home. Believe me. I know." I hadn't really moved out. I mean, all my stuff was still there, and I only lived 30 minutes walking distance! It sounded pretty pathetic.

  She plucked the green from a berry and then dipped it in whipped cream before nibbling on the end. "I appreciate the thought," she said softly, eyes focused on the berry.

  And somehow she hadn't gotten all the cream from her upper lip. I smirked and resisted the urge to do a little excavating. "Sure thing, Sally." She finished the berry and gathered another. The speck of sweetness seemed to call my name.

  "You don't suppose Commander Squall will really give you the commander position here, will he?"

  Focus, Dincht! "Depends. If it's just gonna be a security post, we'll be a glorified security team. If there's plans to build an actual Garden, then we'll need to fully staff it, but he said there are other names on the list." Whipped cream--Dincht! "I already told him I'm interested."

  "I wonder who else he's considering?"

  "Quistis maybe? She'd be good." Did it get bigger?

  Sally offered another grape. "You're right. She would. It'd be hard for her and Zack to meet then. Oh well. I guess it's not my problem."

  "Yeah." I couldn't resist any more. I leaned in and kissed the whipped cream from her lip--berries!--and then slowly pulled back. I smiled. So did she. "Yum."

  Sally giggled, her cheeks flushing as she lowered her gaze.

  Email. Laguna. House. I touched Sally under the chin and sent her a wink. Birthdays were awesome.

  And that's all I could think and talk about on the picnic for the rest of the afternoon. Her birthday party. We got it all worked out, too. We'd have it at the hotel in Balamb. They'd cater a bunch of different kinds of food--she promised me special hot dogs!--and they'd also do the music--I'd choose the songs. Both our folks would be invited, and so would Sally's friends--and I noticed there weren't very many--as well as a lot of mine. I guess we liked the same people. Then, at the end. Surprise. heheheheheh

  When the stars began to come out we headed for ho--Winhill. It was weird. I nearly called it 'home'. We held hands and just listened to each other breathing. I hadn't really ever done it before. It's pretty cool. Couldn't tell you why, but it is.

  Then, after I walked her to the doorstep of Raine and Laguna's place, well, I kinda did something Ma woulda popped me for. Instead of just keeping it safe and giving her a simple peck on the cheek, I kissed her full on the mouth. And after the picnic and the party plans and the secret she didn't know, well, 'Booya!' would have been an understatement.

  Sally went along with it, too. 'Course, at first 'it' was pretty harmless. Just exchanging kisses and laughing against each other's lips because it tickled or something stupid sounding like that.

  Next thing I knew, we weren't giggling anymore and I was getting ready to break every single wall and rule I'd ever made when dealing with kissing Sally. And I used the same bat to break all the alarms going off in my head. All I could think about was how to open the door without breaking contact.

  Sally pulled back enough to whisper something, but, well, dude! I know, I know. 'Zell, you dog.' But I couldn't help myself. She's hot, and a sweetie, and intense, and--Booya! I was kissing and touching Sally the way I'd been wanting to for months!

  "Zell, no."

  And that word made it all go away, especially how she said it. I stepped back, nearly tripping over my feet as I did. All I could do was blink down at her.

  Sally cleared her throat and looked down, straightening her t‑shirt and jeans with trembling fingers and hands as her cheeks flushed red. I scrubbed at my scalp and neck so hard it stung. For the first time in my life, I was. horrified! "Sally... Oh Hyne. I am so sorry."

  Sally nodded with a whispered "I know," before raising her eyes to meet mine. She smiled, but it didn't make me feel any less the slime. "I'm not mad."

  But I was. I was pissed. "I'll, uh." I cleared my throat and rubbed again at my scalp. Then I gestured over my shoulder. "I'll go that way."

  I turned and strode off the porch and down the steps toward my temporary ho
me, rubbing at my face and my scalp and neck and swearing up a blue streak. I mean, Damn! If she hadn't said 'no', what were you planning on doing, Dincht? I thought you were gonna wait!

  "Zell?"

  I heard quick footsteps and turned to see Sally hurrying toward me. I took a step backward before I could even stop myself. Sally noticed and froze in her tracks. The surprise and then uncertainty I saw on her face twisted the dagger the other direction.

  "Zell.” She intensely examined my face. “Sweetie, are you okay?"

  I swallowed hard and then cleared my throat. I reached out, palms outward, and made a type of 'pushing' gesture. "I, uh." I cleared my throat again. "I just need a little space."

  "Okay," she said softly, wringing her hands in front of her.

  And the fact that she looked about to cry didn't make me feel any better. "It's not you, kitten," I said as I rubbed the back of my neck. I didn't meet her gaze. "I just, I mean, I don't really trust myself right now, so I need to just stay right here."

  "But you stopped when I said 'no'," Sally said.

  I nodded, my eyes staring at a rock. But I definitely knew she was there. "I know, Sally, but." I cleared the emotion out of my throat as I gestured behind her to the house. "What happened, there? That was because I lost control. I broke every rule I've ever made." I glanced up, but the look in her eyes made me look very quickly down again. "And that was because you were close--not a bad thing!" I added quickly. "It's just I don't want to hurt you that way. And if you're close, well, I might do it again."

  "You stopped," Sally pressed.

  I'd never had to fight against myself so hard before. I mean, she sounded about to cry, and she really wanted to try and make me feel better, but the longer she stood there across from me looking so damned hot.

  "Sally, I can't really." I released a deep breath and forced myself to look at her. Hardest thing I'd ever done and not pull her into a hug. "Sally, I can see you don't get what the problem is, so. can we just call it a night? I need to get some space and work out a little and stuff, so we'll talk about it tomorrow. Okay? Sally?"

  Her lower lip trembled, and I nearly did myself in right there on the spot.

  "Okay." And to my horror, she sniffed. "Good night, sweetie. See you in the morning."

  Sally turned and slowly stepped back toward the porch again, turning long enough at the door of the house to give me a look that nearly had me running after her. Then she closed the door and I could loosen my balled fists a little. I cleared my throat and rubbed at the back of my neck as I stepped toward my temporary home. Cold shower--No. Punching bag, jog around Winhill, full-body workout, then a cold shower.

  But the cold shower didn't cut it. Especially not when I kept thinking I heard her crying in the house next door. I kept telling myself she wasn't, but remembering the look on her face. No, I couldn't convince myself at all. But I knew I couldn't go over and ask; I'd be signing my own death papers. So I just worked out some more, took another shower, and then laid in bed still as wide awake at three as I had been at midnight or at ten. I tried everything; push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups. I kept seeing the whole damned scene--in Technicolor with a close up on her tears.

  The next morning I wasn't so sure I was ready to go help her set up for the interviews, but I bit the bullet and walked over anyway. One look at her face and I could tell she'd slept about as good as me. We both kept our distance, too. I figured she did it because of what I said last night, and that made me pissed at myself all over again. But I knew talking about it wouldn't have done any good. I figured we'd talk at dinner that night. Until then, I wasn't going to think about it.

  It went like that through the whole day, with me being silent and distant through almost all the interviews. Just standing there with a scowl that I'm sure made 'em all nervous.

  Now, sitting across from Sally at a decked-out table in the hotel of Winhill, I still had no idea how to talk to her about what had happened. Neither did she. I could tell. Why? Because it was the first time both of us stayed quiet and looked damned uncomfortable.

  Oh hell. "Sally," I began as I looked up. She peeked up at me. How the hell am I--"Sally, I don't, I mean, how do--" I released a quick breath and slumped both arms onto the table. I scrubbed at my scalp. "Sally, I'm sorry about last night. I don't know what I was thinking. Hell. I wasn't thinking."

  Sally looked up and reached across the table to grip my arms. "Zell, I don't know why you're so--You stopped. I said 'no' and you stopped. I don't know why you're so mad at yourself."

  "Because how many times did you have to say 'no' before I actually heard you?" I leaned back in the chair, pulling my arms from her hold and crossing them tightly against my chest. I scowled at my water glass.

  "But I don't care about that," she persisted. "It doesn't matter anyway."

  I leaned forward again, so quick she blinked and leaned a little away. "Yes it does, Sally. I was all set, fired, and ready to go a lot further than--" She flushed and lowered her gaze. I clenched my jaw. Then I leaned back and looked away, adjusting my crossed arms to keep from doing something--who knows what. "We're not ready for that, Sally," I said quietly. "No way. Nothing doin'. You wanna wait. I wanna wait. We're waiting."

  I tensed when I heard her sniff, but I kept myself from looking over at her.

  "This is all my fault," she whispered.

  My gaze snapped over to her so fast I thought they'd fall out of my head. "No, it isn't, Sally!" I leaned forward, grabbing her hands to try and... and... and I don't know! Make her feel better somehow. "If I had any brains at all I woulda seen about having one of the seniors of my class come with as a training exercise. But no. I had to be a horn-dog and make sure I got you to myself."

  She looked up. Tears. Oh Hyne. "Zell, I'm the one that suggested the trip, knowing Seifer would ask for security. Sure, I rationalized the separate houses to make it all look nice and safe, but I knew what could happen. I knew what could happen," she whispered.

  And then she pulled her hands from mine, stood, and rushed out of the inn. Damn it! I stood so fast the chair musta shot across the room, and then I was across the room and out the door bellowing "Sally! Sally, wait!" But she didn't. She kept on, stumbling down the stairs and down the path toward town even though she probably couldn't see a blasted thing. I swore a blue streak and hurried after her, catching her by the hand a few steps down the road.

  She tried to pull her hand free, but I didn't want to risk her running again. Sally's lip and chin trembled as she choked and cried. Damn it, Dincht! You're an ass! "Sally."

  "Zell," she choked out. And she finally met my gaze. "Zell, I don't like the fact you're blaming yourself," she struggled out between teary hiccups. "I don't care that you nearly did what you did." She wiped the tears from her cheeks and sniffed several times. "You stopped when I wouldn't have."

  I blinked and leaned slightly back. "Huh?" I leaned forward again. "But you said 'no'."

  She nodded. "I know I did." She sniffed some more. "But I wouldn't have said it again. If you hadn't stepped back. . . ." Sally pulled her hand from mine and covered her face.

  I stared at her--at my shy little Sally--and then stretched out both hands. "Sally, if you love me as much as you say you do, this's gonna happen a lot. Dude! Do you think we'd be normal if we didn't want to just make out all the time? Hell no!"

  "But we both decided," she choked out, blinking back the tears.

  "What the hell does that mean, anyway? It doesn't make us not feel anything. It just means we're gonna do our damndest to hold out. We did. So you feel like you started the whole thing; it takes two, you know. I knew what I was doing when I kissed you. I could feel the guilt kick me in the gut the minute I did." I took her hand and tilted her chin up. "But you said 'no'. Who cares if you didn't really want me to stop. You still said it because we'd decided. And I stopped because you said it. And you gave me the space because I asked."

  Sally choked on a sob that musta twisted my heart clear in half, and then she pu
lled me into a tight hug. Who woulda known that the conversation would turn from me begging for forgiveness to me making her feel okay for wanting me? I smirked and held her tight. Dincht, do you have any idea how hard Irvine would laugh his ass off if he found out you passed on sex? 'Course, I didn't really 'pass'. I just took a raincheck. Actually, it was probably more like an investment. And, boy, was it gainin' interest!

  Booya!

  I rubbed Sally's back before pulling slightly back. She brought her hands up to wipe the tears away and then looked up. I smiled. "Come on, shy girl. Let's go get some dinner. I don't know about you, but I'm starved. I haven't eaten much all day. Too busy beating myself up about last night."

  Sally lowered her gaze and slightly nodded. "Me, too."

  "Guilt doesn't taste too good, huh?" She smiled and giggled, meeting my gaze again. There she is. I released a quick breath and wiped more tear-trails from her cheeks. "Sally, don't beat yourself up about this. Okay? It's normal. Promise. Just ask Squall or Rinoa. Or Zack even. They'll tell ya. We're just gonna have to be a little more careful, I guess." I kissed her forehead. "Me especially." I took her hand and led her back toward the inn. "Now come on. Let's go talk about those interviews that I didn't really pay attention to. Seifer'll be pissed if we come back without a good report."

  Sally squeezed my hand several times and finally whispered, "I love you so much, Zell Dincht."

  She looked over and caught my gaze, her blue eyes shining like... My throat tightened, and I don’t think I'd ever felt that before. I mean, I'd come this close to losing everything I’d ever wanted and never had. The battles with Ultimecia were nothing compared to the thought of never hearing Sally giggle again. And for her to never trust me again? Hell no, I wasn’t going to let it happen. I was going to try damn hard.

  I swallowed hard. "I love you, too, Sally."