by K E Osborn
Lunar pauses. “Okay. I’m not going to push. I can see you’re upset, and there’s obviously something I don’t know about here. Just know you can talk to me. At any time, Ryan. I’m your go-to girl... or Danger, he’ll always be there for you if you need to vent.”
“Thanks. You know… I kinda love you, right?”
She smirks. “I kinda love you right back… Do you want me to hang around for a bit?”
I shake my head. “Nah, go be with Danger, he’s more fucked up than I am.”
She smirks. “Hmm… debatable at this point, my friend. How’s your chili infused junk?”
I laugh and smile for the first time in a while. “It’s fine… was a bit hot there for a while but a cold shower fixed it.”
“No permanent damage then?”
I smile. “Nope. My cock will live on to fuck another day.”
“So you can fuck all you want, just not fall in love, right?”
My smile falls and I nod. “Exactly.”
She hums under her breath. “You sound like a certain lead singer we both know and love.”
“Okay, I’m tired.”
“It’s only eight thirty. But I get it, you want to wallow alone, right? Just remember we’re here for you, Ry. Always.”
“Thanks.”
She leans in and kisses my cheek, gives my knee a squeeze then she stands up and walks to the door. She turns back to look at me, but I notice she slumps her shoulders. “You know… sometimes we have to let go of the painful past to have a pleasant future.” She turns and walks out of my room closing the door with a soft click behind her.
I feel bad for the way I left things with Tillie. We’ve almost kissed, twice, and both times I’ve pulled away. That’s got to eat at her confidence. I don’t ever want her to think she isn’t good enough. The problem lies solely with me. I’m so irreparably damaged, and to top that off I’m bad karma for those who get too close to me. Having Tillie around makes me think about Katie a lot more, and I swore to myself I’d only think of her and Maddie one day a year. Just the one day, so I wouldn’t wallow in self-pity and loathing so I wouldn’t become who I am becoming.
I’ve been okay for nine years.
Nine years.
No one has made me feel anything for nine long years. Then in walks Tillie, all nerdy with her black rimmed glasses framing her sexy face and her feisty, take no shit attitude, showing me who’s boss and it only makes me more interested.
Fuck!
Lunar’s right—I do like her.
And that scares the ever-loving shit out of me.
I’ve not liked or loved anyone other than Katie. She was my first girlfriend, then my wife, the only woman I swore I would ever love, and yet here I am developing feelings for another.
It’s crazy.
It’s ridiculous.
I almost feel like I’m cheating on Katie. Sure, I’ve fucked an array of beautiful women in the last nine years, but I’ve never had any sort of connection with them.
That’s what scares me.
Actual feelings.
Of course it’s not love, but she’s smoking hot and she fights me. She’s immune to the power of the rock star persona and I like that. Plus, the way she looks at my body when I’m naked makes me think she likes me just as I am. Which is kinda nice. I know I’m not Jabba the Hut, but I’m not Danger quality either, so the fact she still finds me attractive without all the abs says more about her than most girls.
Fuck.
I’m in way over my head and I need to find an even ground between us.
Do I keep going with the friendship or do I put space between us?
That’s something I need to figure out, and quickly.
My bed although warm and comfortable gives me no comfort as I cry softly into my pillow. Today’s almost kiss followed by tonight’s almost kiss and then Ryan’s utter rejection has left me feeling cold and completely self-conscious.
I hate that he’s made me feel this way.
I hate that I’m letting him make me feel this way.
But I like him and all I want is for him to accept me into his life.
My cell buzzes on the bed next to me, vibrating on the mattress. I sniff as Piper gently raises her head and looks down at me from the end of the bed but quickly puts her head down to go back to sleep. Sighing as I wipe my eyes, I pick up my cell and swipe to check the message. My stomach flips when I see it’s a text message from Ryan. Nibbling on my bottom lip, I take a deep breath and tap the screen.
Ryan: I’m sorry about tonight, I hope you’re okay. Ry.
I swallow hard, reaching out for a tissue from the box I placed on my pillow and blow my nose. Shaking my head as my stomach settles, I type my reply.
Me: I’m fine, I’m not in bed crying or anything lol. I hope you’re okay, I’m here if you need me.
I hit send and instantly wince hoping he doesn’t take my lame attempt at hiding my sadness seriously. Why do I have to be so stupid in texts?
Ryan: Please don’t cry, I know you were trying to come off funny in the text but I think you might actually be crying. I’m sorry for upsetting you. Let me make it up to you?
Opening my eyes a little wider, I read the message four times to make sure I’ve read it right. Typing back with shaky fingers, I smile slightly.
Me: Okay, what do you have in mind?
His reply comes in quickly.
Ryan: Nothing fancy, you, me, on the rooftop for an early breakfast at the office?
Smiling, I wipe a tear from my cheek and sniff.
Me: Sounds great. What time?
Ryan: Before sunrise, I wanna watch the dawn of a new day with you.
My eyes shoot open at this sudden romantic side of Ryan that he’s showing me. I’m not sure where it’s coming from, but I like it.
Me: That would be lovely. See you in the morning.
Ryan: Sleep well.
Taking in a deep breath, I roll over as Piper stands up and walks up the bed to me. She nuzzles into me, her chocolate fur tickling my arm and I cuddle into her.
This is a turnaround, let’s just hope he doesn’t freak out again.
A shrill piercing dinging echoes through the room waking me up from a peaceful sleep. My heart races as I sit bolt upright in my dark room while trying to gather my bearings as to what’s happening. After a moment of looking around the darkened room, I remember I’m meeting Ryan before dawn for a sunrise breakfast.
I turn to my bedside table to see my cell vibrating and flashing brightly with the alarm sounding. Moving over, I turn it off and push back the covers throwing my legs over the edge. Flicking on the side light, I hurry about getting dressed for the day, not only to impress Ryan but also for a day of work. I say my goodbyes to Piper and Hunter, and then head out the door with an empty stomach and decaffeinated for the morning. It’s hard to keep functioning without my morning cup of Joe, but I manage to make it all the way to the office without running a red light or staying stationary at a green and being honked at.
I can’t help but wonder what I’m going to find when I step out of my car and head for the office block. My stomach is flipping on itself, and I honestly haven’t felt this nervous about anything in years. I unlock the main door and head inside, making my way straight toward the fire escape where Ryan told me to meet him. The lights are mostly out, so it’s quite dark everywhere I go. It gives quite an eerie sense to the building I know so well making me even more nervous.
Reaching the door, I head up the steps and onto the roof. My smile doesn’t escape me when I see little lanterns lighting a path to the edge of the roof where blankets are set out. Little pots of various blooming flowers are sporadically placed making it look even more like a rooftop garden.
My grin is wide as I walk the path to the edge to see a banquet of pastries, fruit, and juice sitting there waiting to be devoured. The whole vibe is chic picnic and very romantic. Biting down on my bottom lip, I look around to see if Ryan is here but I can’t see him anywher
e. So I sit down on the blanket looking out into the darkness of the crisp morning, lit only by the dull hue of the lanterns.
The fire escape door opens and the strumming of a guitar makes me turn to see Ryan walking toward me. A smile pulls on my lips as he plays. He really is so gifted on that thing. Then he opens his mouth and his deep tenor fills the air.
“The day you came into my life,
I knew it would never be the same,
It turned upside down,
But I’m so glad you came.”
“I never thought this could work,
And I still don’t know,
But I guess we could try,
And give this a go.”
“I’ve been a fool for so long, but I need you to know,
I’m not that fool anymore,
I’m just a fool for you,
I’m just a fool for you.”
“My life is a mess, a world of chaos and music,
But if there’s one thing I know,
is that one person can fix it.”
“I think you might be that girl,
And I swear that it’s true,
The only woman I can think of right now,
is you.”
“I’ve been a fool for so long, but I need you to know,
I’m not that fool anymore,
I’m just a fool for you,
I’m just a fool for you.”
He continues with one more verse, and as I listen to the words I know he’s singing it for me, and I now know why he does backup vocals because he’s a really good singer too. Ryan is super talented and as he serenades me with these amazing lyrics, my thighs clinch together dulling the throbbing as he saunters toward me. My chest rises and falls quickly completely entranced in his song. He’s singing so beautifully and to make it even more wonderful he’s singing just for me and that makes me smile a smile so wide I must look like a fool.
He stands next to me and finishes the song, then places his guitar on the step. I clap as he kneels down next to me. Pushing forward, I thrust my arms around his neck and hug him so fiercely, he falls backward onto the blanket, forcing me to drop on top of him. He lands with an ‘oomph’ as we both chuckle, while my body presses on top of his entirely.
His hand rises up and moves a small strand of my hair behind my ear, and I look down into his eyes which sends a tingle straight down my spine. Our breathing becomes ragged as we continue to stare at each other. I inadvertently lick my lips as his hand moves from my cheek to the back of my hair.
Unexpectedly, he grasps my head forcing me forward, surprising me as our lips crash together. My eyes open wide as all air is pulled from my lungs. A current so powerful filters through me, sparking all of my molecules to life. Ryan’s tongue slips into my mouth, and I moan as my eyes close, finally surrendering to the kiss I was not expecting. His fingers dash through my hair as mine hold me up either side of his head. His other hand runs down my back to the top of my ass, and he pushes his crotch into my pussy showing me his painfully obvious erection.
We both groan into each other’s mouths as I grind against his cock needing to ease the pressure. Abruptly, he spins us and I’m on my back, with him on top of me. My legs wrap around his waist as he grinds into me. Gasping with delight, his tongue dances with mine while he rubs against me slowly.
This is rapidly becoming hot and serious as my hands run up into his hair holding his head to mine while kissing him feverishly. It’s intense, the chemistry is incredible and undeniable. Every part of me feels alive as he crushes into me again. The ache in my throbbing clit is almost unbearable as he pushes again, and I swear if he keeps doing that I might come just from the intense pressure of his hard cock. The kiss deepens, and I moan. But suddenly he pulls back breaking the kiss and halting his movements as he looks deep into my eyes, his are completely hooded and full of lust.
He pants hard as we both fight for breath and he smirks shaking his head. “Fuck! Sorry! I have to stop… or I won’t be able to.”
I nip my bottom lip and grin in understanding. We were getting hot and heavy, and it’s only our first kiss.
We need to slow down.
“Some first kiss, though,” he says.
“Yeah… some first kiss.” I giggle in agreement.
He leans in slowly pressing his lips to mine again briefly, then pulls back and slides his body off mine sitting back on his heels. “I’ve been waiting to do that since I first saw you.” He smiles and looks past me to where the sun is starting to rise. He moves in behind me as I sit up, wrapping his legs either side of me and slides his arms around my waist as his head nuzzles on my shoulder.
“This is nice,” he says.
“It really is. It’s nice to not have you pranking me. Wait… is this a prank?” I ask turning my head to look at him.
He chuckles. “No, this is real, now watch the sun rise.” Ryan leans in and kisses my cheek.
“Yes, sir.”
The sun rises over the hills in endless vibrant hues. It’s a magnificent sight as the sky is filled with a powerful glow as it splashes the clouds with its endless rays of beautiful sun-drenched color. My stomach is a swarm of giddy butterflies as Ryan holds me tightly in his embrace while I’m mesmerized by Mother Nature.
It’s so nice to finally be on the same page. I just wonder what all this means for us now. Where do we stand? Are we a couple? Do we tell people that we are a couple? I have so many questions but I don’t want to spoil the mood of the moment. Ryan kisses under my ear making me smile as I gnaw endlessly on my bottom lip. I like this side of him and I could get very used to it. He exhales as the sun finally rises and the orange fades into yellows and the yellow fades finally to blue. The day has dawned and the sunrise is officially over.
“That was beautiful,” I say.
He nods against my shoulder. “Yeah, it sure was. All the better with you being here. It’s so lonely when I do it on my own.”
I turn to face him. “You come up here on your own?”
He nods. “Sometimes. Not often. I think I’ve seen the sunrise up here twice… three times now.”
I smile and tilt my head. “Well, thank you for inviting me.”
“My pleasure. Right, shall we eat?”
I look down at the food on the platters and nod in delight as my stomach growls inadvertently.
He chuckles and hands me a croissant.
“Thank you.” I take a bite and look down at the blanket wondering if we’re going to talk about us at all.
Ryan exhales and takes a sip of some juice and crosses his legs sitting up taller. “So, I guess we have to talk about where we go from here?”
Glancing back up, I swallow my mouthful and half-smile, not sure if I’m excited or terrified by the prospect of the conversation that’s about to take place. So I simply nod.
“Tillie, I want to be honest with you.”
Oh God!
“I like you and it scares me, but I’ve finally admitted that I do actually like you.” I smile, but let him keep talking. “The thing is, I’m not sure I’m ready to go public with anything massive just yet. I want to see where this can go. So, if you’re okay with it, I’d like to keep it just between us for now while we figure out what we are. I don’t want to rush anything.”
Swallowing hard, I take a second to process. He wants to be with me, just not publicly. I take a deep breath. From a publicist angle I see where he’s coming from, I would probably say the same thing, but not telling the band and our families, well, that’s a little different. It makes me feel a little like he might be ashamed of me, but I’m not sure if that’s the case or if he doesn’t want the other members of the band to get angry at him. After all I do work for them, and if things go south then it could be bad and they would be pissed. So I can see why he wouldn’t want them to know.
“I’m fine going slowly. I just want to get to know you, the real you.”
He smiles wide taking my hands in his. “I can deal with that.”
/> “Just so I’m clear, we’re going to try this… you and me… but no one knows?”
He winces slightly. “Yeah, I can’t promise that I won’t be a mess at times and that I won’t stuff up. Because Tillie… I’m a wreck. But I’m hoping you’ll put me back together.”
I’m not sure what’s happened in his life to make him think he’s a mess. Yes, he’s a little left of center and he has some stories that he hasn’t told me, but I’m hoping with time he’ll let me in.
“I’m here for you, and I want to be your rock, a safe place. Because even though you treated me like crap, I like you, too.”
He smiles wide and furrows his brows. “Yeah, sorry about that.”
“It’s forgotten. Boys always treat the girl they like a little meanly to start with.”
He laughs, picking up an apple and taking a bite.
We ate our breakfast and talked a little more about our relationship, what it meant for us and how it would work. Ryan had some demos to record, and I have media to attend to, so we came back inside at the start of business hours and headed our separate ways. He gave me a long passionate kiss before we parted ways and now I’m in my office looking over this week’s statistics on Recoil’s social media pages.
“Hey-ho,” a chirpy voice echoes through my doorway breaking the intense concentration on my notebook screen. I glance up to see a pink framed head popping in through my doorway with a bright cheery smirk as she stares at me.
I furrow my brows at her strangeness and shake my head. “What?”
She steps into my office and walks up to my desk with a spring in her step. “So… I went up the fire escape and it looks like there was a date or something up there?”
