by K E Osborn
Swallowing hard, I look away from her back to my screen. “Oh, it does?”
“Yeah. Know anything about that?”
“Hmmm… nope.”
“Liar!”
I giggle and shrug gesturing to zip my lips shut. She smiles throwing her hands in the air. “Yes! I knew it.”
“I know nussing,” I say in a terrible German accent.
She laughs and pats my shoulder. “I’m happy for you two. Like so ridiculously happy you don’t even know.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Okay, so you’re keeping it quiet. I get it. I won’t say anything. Just know that I think you’ll be good for him.” She squeezes my shoulder and walks out leaving me feeling happy that people are on our side.
Taking a deep breath, I get on with my day. Getting lost in interview schedules and marketing campaigns, I find myself busy for the next few hours. But after lunch I want to take a break from it all and head to the studio to see how things are traveling with the band.
Making my way into the studio the band is in full recording mode. I stand back in the sound room listening as they record a track for a new album. I watch how the band move together, the way they flow and sync so well. I’m loving their new songs, and I sway my hips to the sounds as I watch Ryan with a smile on my face while he plucks at his guitar, singing into the mic occasionally. The song finishes and instinctively Ryan looks up and right at me. He smiles and I do the same.
“Okay guys, feel free to have a quick break. You’ve earned it,” Oliver announces.
Ryan puts down his guitar as Danger takes a giant drink from a water bottle.
“I’m just going to the bathroom,” Ryan calls out quite loud as he glances my way.
He heads for the hall between the studio and the booth, and I exit to meet him in the hall where we’ll have a small window of opportunity to have some private time. As I enter the hall Ryan smiles at me.
“You sounded great,” I chime and he smirks stalking toward me. I take a step back, my body hitting the wall as he steps up against me. He licks his lips, tilting his head and slowly leans in pressing his lips to mine. My body melts into his as my arms wrap up around his neck and I kiss him back passionately, holding him tightly while we kiss feverishly, but slowly. His body presses against mine and I ease into him, we continue kissing getting lost in each other, our tongues dancing together sending out sparks of magnetism. My fingers move up tangling in Ryan’s hair pulling him closer, needing him closer. He grinds into me making me whimper into his mouth when suddenly someone clears their throat.
My stomach flips as Ryan pulls back from me and we both turn to see Nate standing there smirking at us. “So, how long’s this been going on? Was the whole arch enemy thing an act?” he asks.
Ryan tenses and pulls back from me. “It’s new… as in today new. So don’t go around telling everyone.”
Nate raises an eyebrow. “Are you going to do a press release saying you’re off the market now, Ry?” He chuckles.
I watch for Ryan’s reaction as he becomes increasingly more irritated. “There’s nothing to tell right now, Nate. Stop being a child,” I berate and he smirks.
“Wow! Queen bossy pants has spoken. Is she that feisty in the sack too, Ry?”
Ryan clenches his fists and pushes Nate up against the wall, hard. “Shut. Your. Mouth. You tried to get into Danger and Lunar’s heads, I won’t let you do it to me.”
“I don’t have to try to get into your head, you’re in your own head enough as it is Ryan. Am I right?”
“You don’t know what you’re on about?”
“Oh no? So it hasn’t crossed your mind that Matilda here works for us and she’s doing an amazing job. What happens when this fling turns to shit? She’ll leave, and we lose the best PR we’ve had ‘cause you had to wet your dick.”
“Jesus Christ,” I murmur as Ryan shifts him higher up the wall.
“Learn to shut your mouth, Nate. We all know you have serious commitment issues. Don’t force your views onto others.” He lets Nate go and his feet hit the floor as he smiles.
“I won’t tell anyone, if… you do something for me, Tillie.” Nate smirks.
“Fuck off, Nate,” Ryan berates.
“It’s just a small thing, it’s for the band really. I think it’s the next step in our evolution.”
“You’re fucked in the head! Since when is blackmail your thing?”
“It’s fine, Ryan. What do you want, Nate?” I ask.
“I want you to get an A-lister actress to star in a music video of ours. It will boost our popularity, don’t you think?”
Raising my eyebrows, my lips turn up and I nod. “Yes. Why didn’t I think of that? If I can get someone to agree… someone big… then that will draw more attraction to you. Nate, you’re a genius!”
He shrugs and nods. “I know.”
“You have a shit way of showing your genius, though, dip shit,” Ryan says, and Nate chuckles.
“I’m not going to tell anyone about you two, I promise. I just really wanna meet a hot A-lister.”
“I would have done it if you had just asked normally, you know?” I tell Nate.
He smiles. “I know…” he raises an eyebrow, “… but this way was much more fun.” He walks off back into the studio and Ryan turns to me.
“We have to be more careful where we make out.”
I nod. “Can I ask… why are we hiding this from people?”
He slumps and runs his fingers through his hair. “I’m still wrapping my head around it. I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to be with you, so don’t think that. I just need time to get used to the idea of having a connection with someone. It’s been a long time.”
My stomach sinks slightly and even though he said he isn’t ashamed or embarrassed, I can’t help but feel like he doesn’t want to show me off and that doesn’t make me feel good at all.
“Okay,” is all I say.
He swallows hard looking into my eyes deeply like he’s trying to read me. I’m not sure what he’s getting from my facial expression, but he screws up his face and groans. “Fuck… am I fucking this up already?” He turns away from me, his shoulders slumping while his chest heaves.
I reach out grabbing his strong bicep as my stomach sinks at seeing him upset. “It’s okay, you’re confused. I get that. We’re in a weird situation. I work for you, that makes things… harder—”
“It’s not just that,” he says still turned away from me.
“It’s not?” I ask raising an eyebrow.
He slumps even more. “I want to tell you, all of it. I just can’t yet. I’m not ready.”
My hand drops from his arm and I nod even though he can’t see me. There’s more to his story, more that’s making him hold back, I just have no idea what it is.
“Can you wait?” he murmurs.
Squishing my brows in confusion, he turns to look at me, but his face is strained and full of worry.
“Wait?” I ask.
“Can you wait for me to be ready? It’s asking a lot, and I don’t know how long it will take for me to open up to you. But if you’re willing to stand by me, I promise I will tell you… everything, as soon as I’m able.”
Licking my lips as my mouth suddenly goes dry, I take in a deep breath. “Does this mean everything is on hold until you find your strength?”
He shakes his head. “No. I still want to keep seeing you, it’s just delving into my past I’m not ready for yet.”
Nodding slowly, I think I understand. The last girl he was with, obviously hurt him. Severely. He has trust issues and it’s starting to make a bit more sense. “I think I can manage that.”
He sighs in relief and leans his forehead against mine. “Thank you. I’m sorry I’m such a head case.”
I smile bringing my hand up to caress his smooth cheek. “It’s okay, I like my men a little crazy.”
He smiles and leans in quickly kissing my lips then pulls back. “Be
tter get back in there before Nate demands a pony.”
I laugh as he squeezes my hand then pulls away from me and walks down toward the studio. I turn and head back inside the sound booth just in time to see Nate smirk at Ryan while Danger looks to Ryan and frowns.
“You okay, man? You were gone for so long I thought you fell in the toilet.”
“Sorry, it’s all those kale smoothies you’re making me drink,” he says.
Danger laughs as Ryan looks over at me and winks.
I wink at Tillie knowing she can hear us, and I was hoping for a convincing smile, but the one I’m getting back from her is clearly fake. Swallowing hard, I take a deep breath and look away from her. I hate that I’ve asked Tillie to keep us a secret. I know it would and obviously is, making her feel inadequate. But if I acknowledge publically that there’s something going on between us, that means I’m over Katie and I just don’t know if that’s true. I’m not sure if I will ever truly be over her.
“Okay guys, let’s get this going again,” Oliver calls out clapping his hands together.
Nodding, I pick up my Fender, placing the strap over my head. Looking to Oliver to let me know when to start the intro to the song he points to me, and so I start plucking at the strings to start the song. Nate kicks in with the drum beat and Matt strums at his Bass. Danger’s voice chimes in soon after and I head into autopilot. My eyes shift toward Tillie and she smiles at me as I watch her, but soon after she nods at me and turns leaving the sound room. I wince feeling like an asshole for treating her like this. Day one of our, whatever the hell this is, and already I’m fucking it up.
We finish recording and we head back into the main office. I leave the guys to go in search of Tillie, but I can’t seem to find her anywhere and her office door is closed and it’s clear she’s left for the evening. I’m bummed, but figure I may as well head home too. I want to call her, but I don’t want to seem needy and desperate either. So I walk to my car and drive home wondering the whole time if this thing we have is over before it’s even begun?
Danger and Lunar beat me home, and as I walk inside Danger is pulling his shirt off and smiles up at me. “Work out?”
I nod. “Yeah, definitely.” Pumping some iron and letting off some steam is just what I need.
We head out the back to the porch and Danger flicks on the sound system. “We did great today, I fucking love it when we get new tracks down,” he says, and I simply nod.
He raises an eyebrow. “Okay spill. You’ve been weird all afternoon. What’s on your mind?” he asks handing me a dumbbell. I start hammer curling and purse my lips.
“Okay, so hypothetically, what’s it like dating an employee?”
Danger smirks picking up his own dumbbell and starts hammer curling too. “Well, it’s fun especially on tour ‘cause you get to spend time with your partner rather than being on opposite parts of the world. But also hard ‘cause if you fight you’re right there with each other for everyone to see and to judge. Why?”
Shaking my head, I poke out my bottom lip. “No reason.”
Danger snorts. “If you wanted to start something with Tillie you should. You know I was against it at first, but I’m all for it now.”
I stop curling and look at him with furrowed brows then I tilt my head. “You are? Why?”
“I see the way you light up around her. I haven’t seen you like that with anyone but Kati…” he trails off and we both pause taking a breath.
I start curling again.
“Seriously dude, she might push your buttons, but it’s all the right buttons. You need to go for it if she is up for it. ‘Cause trust me, being in love is worth the agony of dealing with your past. Take it from someone who knows.”
“But if I start something with Tillie, isn’t that disrespecting Katie?”
Danger shakes his head. “What’s disrespecting Katie is you not moving on and being happy.”
“I guess.”
“No guessing about it, Ry. She would want you to move on. Katie would not want you wallowing in self-pity and being alone for the rest of your sad existence.”
“I have Lunar, she keeps me company.”
Danger laughs. “No offense, dude, but having a woman who’s like your sister as the only woman in your life besides your mom… is just sad. Tillie’s great. Plus, that whole nerd chick thing she has going on is hot as hell.”
I smirk. “She really is hot isn’t she?”
“Smokin’ dude, but don’t tell Lunar I said that, though. That woman would strangulate my balls in an instant.”
“Yeah…” I laugh. “Yeah, she would.”
I continue to curl as I think about Tillie’s lips against mine, her fingers running through my hair and her body pressed against me. Would it be so bad to allow myself to like her? Maybe Danger is right. Maybe dealing with my past is stopping me from living in the present. I have this amazing woman wanting me for me, warts and all, and I’m holding her at arm's length. I curl harder and faster with a fierce determination.
Tomorrow, I’m going to try harder.
Tomorrow, I’ll be better for her.
Tomorrow’s a new day, and I’m going to make it up to her!
I’m at the office, but there’s no sign of Tillie anywhere. It unsettles me slightly as I go in search of Oliver. I find him in his office tidying his desk like the neat freak he is.
“Hey Oliver, where’s Tillie?”
He lifts his head to look at me and exhales rolling his eyes. “Before you get too excited… no, she hasn’t left. She’s gone to Las Vegas to talk to Zaria Shafir.”
My mouth opens wide, and I shake my head. “As in the Oscar-winning, Israeli goddess, and every teenage boy’s wet dream… Zaria Shafir?” He nods and continues tidying. “Why didn’t she tell me?”
“Why in the world would she tell you? I’m not supposed to be telling you until it’s a sealed deal. She spoke to her people late yesterday and hopped on a plane last night.”
That’s why she was gone before me last night. She was working on Nate’s big idea. When I thought she was going to get an actress, I thought it would be a B-Grader, not the world’s most wanted female celebrity right now.
“Right… when will she be back?”
He shrugs. “Not sure, depends how long it takes to seal the deal.”
I nod and turn walking out of the room, my head spinning slightly from the information overload. One—Zaria Shafir, and two—Tillie left without telling me. I’m not sure how that sits with me. I thought we were at least at the stage of sharing that kind of information with each other.
Walking out of Oliver’s office, I head to Tillie’s, because I know no one will come in there, and I pull out my cell and dial her number. It rings twice and she picks up.
“Hey.”
“Hi, umm… why didn’t you tell me you were going somewhere?”
She’s quiet for a moment and the silence is deafening.
“Tillie?” I ask making sure she’s still there.
“I’m here, just confused. I wasn’t sure what stage we were at, and I didn’t want to overwhelm you by telling you where I was going and risk you thinking I was trying to take this to a place further than you’re ready to go.”
“So you didn’t tell me because I want to keep us quiet? Is this like a payback thing?”
She scoffs. “What? No! How could you think that? I’m trying here, Ryan. I’ve never had a relationship like this one. I have no idea how I’m supposed to act or what I’m supposed to say or do.”
“And that’s because of me?”
“Well, yeah… you’re the one making the rules on us.”
I scoff. “Doesn’t mean I don’t want to know if you jet set off somewhere.”
She exhales. “I’m sorry, I read it wrong.”
I’m not sure what to say back so there’s an awkward silence that filters over us.
“Tillie, I’m ready to discuss now,” a voice echoes in the distance down the line.
“Loo
k Ry, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you when I get back?”
“When will that be?”
“I’m not sure.”
I exhale and nod swallowing hard at the awkward tension between us. “Okay. Tillie… be safe.”
“Of course, I’ll see you soon.”
“Bye.”
“Bye, Ryan.” She hangs up her cell and I slump down into her office chair resting my forehead on my arms on her desk.
“Fucking hell,” I murmur under my breath as I close my eyes wishing I didn’t talk to her like that. Now she could be away for days and that’s the last conversation we’ll have until she gets back. I’m a fucking fucker. Why do I have to get so defensive? So irritated? I should have just told her that I’m missing her and I’m looking forward to her coming back. But no, I had to act like an overprotective dick. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Standing back up, I walk out of her office and down to the studio where I know Danger will be. Scrubbing my face as I walk in Danger chuckles.
“You look like shit.”
“I feel like shit, I need a pick me up.”
“Why don’t we go to a club tonight? No booze for you obviously. But we can hang out. Guys only. Play pool. Listen to some music. Be in the VIP area for a bit?”
Nodding my head, I purse my lips. “Yeah, okay, let’s do it.”
We’re heading straight up the stairs of a swanky LA night club. Danger and I have been here before and now that we’re better known, they let us into VIP a hell of a lot easier. Especially with Oliver’s influence on the door. We were going to ask Nate and Matt to come, make a real guys’ night of it, but Danger said he just wanted to spend some downtime with his best mate and I was cool with that. Plus, Nate can be a wanker, and even though I live with and am in a band with Danger, it’s still good to hang out with him on our own occasionally—no girlfriends, no bandmates, just us, best friends against the world and all that.
“Wanna shoot some pool?” Danger asks as we hit the top of the stairs of the VIP area, which isn’t overly crowded.
I nod, and we head over to the offset which is set out just for the pool tables. I grab a cue and start rubbing the tip with the blue chalk. “So how’s life with Lunar?” I ask.
