Reality's Illusion

by Stephie Walls

  The waitress returned with my credit card and a copy of the bill and then leaned down so only I could hear her. “Keep her safe.”

  I signed the check, leaving her a fat tip, and then I helped Sera up and out the door to the car. The rain had shown up unexpectedly, making the drunken walk more difficult than it had to be. I tried in vain to shield her from the water. We were both soaked.

  “Where are you taking me?” The tears mixed with inebriation made her words difficult to understand.

  “Back to my house.”

  Her attempts to argue were futile. The alcohol coursing through her veins fueled her meltdown, and the entire drive back to my house, she pleaded with me to take her home to face her fate alone.

  She needed to deal with her demon on her own.

  She chanted her fears.

  I, however, ignored her pleas.

  The words poured out like a tapped fire hydrant. “Bastian, I just want to feel loved. To be desired, the way he desires other women. I’ve given him years of my life in the hopes something would change, that somehow I would become enough. I want to feel beautiful, but instead, I look in the mirror and see no matter how much pain I’ve endured for him, I will never be the submissive he needs. Rationally, I know this isn’t about submission, but I keep going back to it.”

  Had I not been with her for the last few hours, I wouldn’t know this outpouring of emotion was coming from a drunken stupor. Her words were suddenly coherent, her emotional distress evident with each phrase she uttered. Her ability to continue in such an articulate fashion shocked me.

  “Do you have any idea what I’ve done to myself to please him? To try to be what he fantasizes about?” It was a rhetorical question but one I identified with closely. “The abuse I’ve inflicted on myself is far worse than any bone he’s broken or bruise he’s left. I stopped loving myself years ago. I don’t make rational decisions. I’m addicted to a notion that simply doesn’t exist.” Tears streamed down her face, and I felt every word out of her mouth as they hit me in the gut.

  I was at a loss. I wanted to comfort her, but Sera hadn’t reached a point where I could step in; she wasn’t done. We’d barely scratched the surface, and Sera seemed prepared to bare it all. She needed this purge as much as I needed to hear it, and until she was finished, I had to sit back and let her get it out.

  “Why?” Her anguish rang throughout the room, and I swore the walls wanted to weep with her. “Why am I not enough?” The bloodcurdling wails left her body wracked with sobs.

  I couldn’t wait any longer; the pain was too great. I pulled her into me and was instantly taken over by the feel of her skin against mine. The warmth of her embrace. Her body shook when she was unable to catch her breath, and I knew if I couldn’t reel her back in, ground her, that she might pass out or worse.

  I hated to pull away from her for fear she’d fall apart without my arms to hold her together. Nevertheless, I took her face in my hands and forced her to make eye contact.

  Her eyes were melancholy and hopeless, and I wondered if she’d waited too long.

  “Sera, baby, look at me. Breathe with me.” I placed her hand on my chest, encouraging her to mirror me.

  The rise and fall of her chest began to match my own, but the devastation didn’t fade from those beautiful green eyes.

  “Stay with me. Keep breathing.”

  Sera’s erratic pulse beat under my pinky on her neck, and her eyes were wild with fear. My heart broke at the realization that she believed she was nothing without his acceptance, without his love and adoration. Ferry defined Sera the way Sylvie had defined me, only there was nothing pure or good to make it worthwhile.

  She was barely there when she spoke again, and her eyes were vacant, distant. “I’ve watched him fuck other women, Bastian. Multiple women. I’ve tried to be the cool girl who was all right with infidelity, okay with the multiple partners, although I’ve never had them myself. Before we left for New York, in New York. I was with him, Bastian. He bound me to a bed, spread me wide, then allowed another woman to touch me. She had her fill of my most intimate areas before he had his way with her. When he was done with her, he used me. Beating me, fucking me, infesting me with her. She left, and he untied me. I pretended I fucking enjoyed it to make him happy.

  Two nights in a row, a different woman each night. The second woman was a switch, Emily. He allowed her to beat me before he allowed her to violate me. Together they used me. In all the years we’ve been together, he’s never permitted anyone else to touch me—man or woman.”

  She shook her head, and my mind spun, nearly out of control. While she gained her thoughts to continue, I lost mine unsure I’d heard what she’d just said.

  “You don’t understand. I don’t know how to live a life without Ferry’s permission, his instruction; he outlines my every move, every day. I don’t know when it crossed over from the lifestyle Mark led me into to abuse. I see it’s abuse, but I don’t want to stop it. I want him to see I’m strong enough to take it and still love him.”

  I’d missed whatever she’d said since uttering another woman’s name. “Emily? The girl who was staying at Shawn’s house?” Now, I was the one who needed to worry about passing out. “Ferry’s friend, Emily?”

  “Yes, do you know her?”

  I had flashbacks from that night in New York, Friday. I wondered where Sera fell victim to her in the timeline. Ferry played us both, and that cunt knew what she was doing. Ferry now had ammunition against me. I was positive he not only knew about what happened Tuesday night at the party, but I’d bet my left nut he orchestrated what took place Friday night after the gallery opening.

  I vacillated with where to go. My heart screamed to admit that I loved her, to tell her I could give her everything she needed. I could be the man who showed her, her worth. I wanted to unveil my undying devotion to her, announce I loved her the way she loved him.

  I would take my last breath, trying to prove it.

  However, my brain kept my mouth shut. Sera didn’t reciprocate those feelings, and if there were any chance she’d ever find out about Emily, there would be no salvaging even a friendship. Sera didn’t know what healthy was—hell, I might not anymore, either—but I did at one point, and I would gladly spend my life trying to convince her.

  But my brain won—self-preservation. Sera’s rejection would send me spiraling back to where I was prior to meeting her, a fate worse than death—one that might ensure death. I wouldn’t survive that darkness again. My dreams of our finding what Sylvie and I once shared shattered at that moment. The fissure started in my heart and ran like the crack of ice through the rest of me.

  Then as quickly as it started, the blubbering mess that had begun in the car dried up, the tears stopped, and an eerie calm washed over her, while internally, I’d fallen apart. Sera looked at me with resignation. “You need to take me home, Bastian. It’s dangerous for us to be together.”

  “Sera, Ferry knows we hang out. He won’t be surprised to find you with me.”

  She half laughed and slowly shook her head like I was an idiot who couldn’t get the big picture. “Don’t you see? Everything’s different now. After New York, he didn’t even want me to respond to your text messages much less be with you. I’ve had him arrested. He didn’t give me permission to be here, in fact the opposite. I was supposed to cancel. Ferry figured you’d give up and back off with time.”

  Ferry clearly knew nothing about me if he thought I’d ever leave someone I cared about at the mercy of a wolf.

  “Whatever happened between you two in New York must have been bigger than the incident at Le Musée because he vehemently opposed any continued line of communication between us. I violated him in more ways than one, Bastian, and he will want retribution. You’ll end up in the crossfire, or even worse, become the target.”

  Sera was full of shit if she believed I’d throw her into the lion’s den with a steak wrapped around her neck. All she’d done was ensure I wouldn’t let her out of
my sight.

  “I’m not taking you anywhere, Sera. You can sleep in my room, and I’ll take the couch, but I’m not leaving you home alone, especially not in this condition. You’re overwrought, and I’m not sure how you’re still standing after the amount of alcohol you’ve consumed.”

  I got up and began to make my way through my nightly routine while Sera watched. She never took her eyes off me—despair was written all over her, etched in the lines of her face. After changing and brushing my teeth, I ensured all the doors were locked and the curtains were drawn. My hope was that she would feel more secure, but when I handed her a pair of my boxers and the smallest T-shirt I could find, she still looked skittish as I pointed her to the bathroom.

  “You’ll be more comfortable when you get out of those wet clothes. That’s the best I can do.”

  Sera didn’t move toward the bathroom after standing. Instead, she began to peel each wet garment from her ivory skin right there in front of me. But there was nothing erotic or remotely sensual about that dance.

  The alcohol had started to affect her ability to function. As she stumbled, I braced her to prevent her fall, accidentally grabbing a tender bruise. She winced and steadied herself with her hand on my shoulder. There she removed her bra, followed by her panties.

  I had envisioned this being very different…seeing her naked. I had grandiose, X-rated fantasies about her, but none of them included what stood before me. Her clothes had hidden the evidence of war, a road map of destruction, some new, some old; Sera was covered in scars, bruises, and twisted skin. My eyes roamed everywhere and nowhere; there were too many to see to focus on one.

  “This one—” she pointed at the scars, each inebriated word more pained than the last—“was the first time he put me in the hospital. This one was for being disobedient. This one was for talking to one of his other subs that I wasn’t supposed to know about.” She pointed at what appeared to be an old burn near her nipple.

  She trusted me with a secret I didn’t want to have.

  Sera continued to map out the abuse over her body, but I couldn’t listen to any more. I zoned in on the rain pelting the roof, the tick of the clock, her anesthetized voice; the sounds were all amplified, pushing my limits.

  I hadn’t felt this raw, this level of distress since Sylvie had died. And it was nearly suffocating me again.

  Grabbing the T-shirt I’d brought her, I pulled it over her head, covering her marred body; she instinctively began to put each hand through the sleeves like a child. And then I sat on the couch and held out the boxers for her to step into.

  Sera stood between my thighs and then sat in my lap; it should have felt like a victory hard-fought. But as her head dropped to the crook of my neck, and she silently curled into me, it seemed like I’d lost everything. I wrapped my arms around her chilled skin, not having a clue in the world how to care for this angel’s broken wings.

  My only solace was the steady thump of her heartbeat. Unable to break away from her, I laid us both on the couch. I clung to her in hopes that she’d feel my adulation, and in some way, find comfort in it.

  With her head on my bicep and the metronome of rain on the roof, I stroked her hair until I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.

  22

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  I jerked up, searching the darkness for what had startled me. It took me a moment to gain my bearings. I couldn’t have been asleep long since my eyes burned with an intense dryness. And then I realized it had been the front door.

  Sera.

  Fuck.

  My feet had barely hit the floor before I raced to the front window to find her walking—where to I had no idea—head down, in substantial rain. I sprinted to my room and grabbed my jeans from the floor, tugging them on as I hopped across the room on one leg to grab a sweatshirt and stuff my cell into my pocket. As quickly as I could, I pulled on tennis shoes. I didn’t have time to search for an umbrella, so I ran down my front lawn in the rain to bring her back. The cloud cover made the night especially dark, difficult to see. Add in the rain, and I couldn’t make out what was five feet in front of me. I didn’t have a clue where she was going but just kept going, hoping I’d find her quickly.

  As lightning illuminated the sky for a few intermittent moments, I would catch a peek of her several blocks ahead. It was cold as fuck, and the wind bit at my face, the rain like icicles pelted my cheeks. With the same quickness I’d seen her, the virtual blackout obscured her from view again. There wasn’t anything within walking distance of my house—nothing that was open at this hour, anyway. She’d been heading toward downtown, but with no indication of why, I walked blindly into the inky night.

  My fingers ached from the bitter cold and rain, and moments into the chase, I was soaked through. “Sera!” I howled into the darkness, wishing she’d answer, knowing I’d receive nothing.

  As the lightning filled the sky again, she turned the corner, never looking back, determined to make it to her destination alone.

  “Sera! Stop!” The sting of cold water striking every inch of my bare skin was the only reply I received.

  The faster I moved, the harder my heart beat until the thumping took over, muting all other noises around me. There wasn’t a car in sight and virtually no streetlights, although in this rain they’d be of little use. I took off in a run as soon as I got to the corner where I’d seen her turn. Glimpse after glimpse, I raced after her in the storm.

  My attempts to reach her, my calls out, they all were in vain. I prayed to a god I no longer believed in to help me find her, begging him, pleading to his sovereign nature to save her. But I wasn’t filled with peace; every step brought me closer to all-consuming dread and impending doom. Each block made me more desperate than the last.

  Standing in the downpour—clueless which way to turn—my clothes were drenched, my spirit broken, and the hope I’d find her all but lost. Tears filled my eyes, and when I blinked, the heat of the stream down my cheeks seared my skin in opposition to the frosty rain.

  When I blinked, lightning crackled across the sky. There, several blocks in the distance, she sat on the ledge of the bridge. The night lit up long enough for me to see her head in her hands, and I broke out into a sprint—my thoughts battled, and my mind jumbled.

  Fuck, Sera. Please don’t do this.

  I chanted in my head as if my begging would change things, counted my steps. If I could just get to her, I could convince her she was loved, life was worth living, and she could get through this. But my thighs burned with the steady cadence of my footsteps until the splash of water stopped me dead in my tracks.

  Bolts of lightning tore across the midnight sky, but she was gone. The bridge was empty, and below was nothing but a roaring abyss. The air muddled with the water and there was no distinction between the two—infinite blackness.

  I hadn’t been able to save Sylvie, but I was here with Sera. If I could reach her, I could help. If I could just get to her, I could save her. Cancer had kicked my ass, but this river wouldn’t beat me.

  Finding my way to the water's edge in the night seemed fruitless as I stumbled down the bank. I stripped as I went, knowing the clothes would weigh me down.

  The rush of the dark water, the pounding of my crazed heart, the rain dropping into the raging river—I dove into the icy water, desperate to rescue her.

  I’d never known cold like the daggers that stabbed at me as I shot up to the surface for a gulp of air before diving back into the blackness.

  It had been too long.

  The burning in my lungs pushed me forward as I held each breath as long as possible. I searched blindly in the dark sky and the blacker water, while the hope of finding her alive slipped further with each moment that passed. I screamed for her every time I broke the surface, hoping she’d return my call, but only the sounds of rushing water battered my head, filled my ears, and muted the rest of the world.

  “Sera!” My cries fell short as I turned every direction in hopes of seeing
her, just a glimpse.

  I was almost out of steam; adrenaline was the only thing that kept me moving, but I couldn’t stay in the water much longer, or I wouldn’t make it out. Diving down one last time, the sky lit up, providing the illumination I needed.

  A few feet from me, I saw her on the riverbed. Not wanting to risk losing her again, I didn’t return to the surface for another breath. Instead, I kicked as hard as my feet would go with my arms outstretched. Thunder and lightning continued until I reached her. My lungs burned as if they might explode, and every muscle in my body was on the verge of giving out. I was exhausted and not sure either of us would make it out of this alive.

  With one arm across her breasts, I pulled her body to me, swimming up. I was desperate for air, and panic had set in by the time I breached the water’s surface.

  “Help! Someone fucking help me.” But exhaustion had stolen my breath and my voice, and I realized those words were nothing more than a whisper. I had nothing left to give.

  I managed to drag her to the bank and pulled her out of the water. Fuck, she was so goddamn lifeless, and her skin had turned an unnatural bluish-grey that was evident even in the darkness. I had no clue how long she’d been under, but the dingy-purple color of her lips and her grotesquely plump face told me it had been too long.

  “Sera.” Fuck, I needed a response. Anything. Shaking her did nothing, smacking her did nothing. And I didn’t know CPR. “Talk to me, goddammit. Breathe!” In nothing but boxers, I crawled across the ground; every inch sent pain though my knees and hands, but when I reached my jeans, I grabbed my wet cell phone and hoped like hell that it worked.

  Phone in hand, I dialed and made my way back to Sera.

  “Nine-one-one, what’s your emergency?”

  “I need help. Please send an ambulance.” My voice shook with every word, and my body started to match the quiver. I convulsed as I moved, while the rain never let up, and every second was like another eternity of pain.