Jennifer Johnson Is Sick of Being Single

by Heather McElhatton

  He’s the doofy parking lot guy in the red parka.

  It comes crashing down on me like Kennebunkport cobblestone. I let Ted go and I married Brad, who thinks I actually like wearing thongs to bed. Why would I marry Baby Huey? He farts while downloading porn. He wears printed T-shirts under dress shirts and thinks no one notices. He occasionally hires hookers. He sold my Scout and made me give my cat away.

  This is who I married.

  This is Prince Charming.

  This is the fairy tale rewritten in the real world.

  People are cheering and clinking their champagne glasses with forks. Why are these lunatics always clapping at everything? Who gave them forks? Cameras explode in silver spiderwebs across the room and the music swells. I’m smiling so hard it hurts.

  “Let’s roll,” Brad says, and I distinctly suppress the urge to scream as I take his hand and step forward.

  Just breathe. Relax.

  I can do this.

  Acknowledgments

  Thanks to the eternal patience and steady editing of Jeanette Perez. This book would not exist without her. Also thanks to Carrie Kania for her endless vision and Christmas Kringles, to Jen Hart for crucial input and boundless energy, and to Alison Callahan who is/will be/can’t-not-be terribly missed. Many thanks to my elegant agent, Elizabeth Sheinkman, and the fearless Felicity Blunt, along with all the good eggs at the London offices of Curtis Brown.

  Thanks to Billy Collins for writing me little poems, to MPR and Ira Glass for supporting me, to Pete Turchi and the Warren Wilson MFA program for teaching me, and especially to Mac, as always, for changing everything. Breadloaf 2000 kittens, you are always with me. You know who you are.

  Marcy Russ edited, Harry Drabnik found blue sea glass, Jason Shapiro sang heavy metal, Thompat Beene lurked mysteriously, Lance Reynalds kept the faith, Chris Romeo gave me wheels, Jodi Ohlsen-Read checked in, Rick Bursky inspired, Adam 2B called from distant lands, R. D. Zimmerman advised, Geoff Herbach commiserated, Carrie Andersen read everything, Joel Switzer delivered gold, My Lee Xiong brought good spirits, Andrew Peterson, Bart Regehr, David Sunderland, and Tim Peterson are the best bees a girl could ask for.

  Many thanks to my family, especially my very funny mother, as well as Colin and Jenna, who watched Walter during the roughest patches. So, too, James Larkin must be commended, a fine man who has a tougher constitution now, and a new and abiding appreciation for my Lunesta prescription. I couldn’t have done it without you.

  About the Author

  heather mcelhatton is the author of the bestselling novel Pretty Little Mistakes. She lives in Minneapolis.

  www.HeatherMcElhatton.com

  Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors.

  Also by Heather Mcelhatton

  Pretty Little Mistakes

  Copyright

  This book is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, and dialogue are drawn from the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  JENNIFER JOHNSON IS SICK OF BEING SINGLE. Copyright © 2009 by Heather McElhatton. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  EPub Edition © FEBRURAY 2013 ISBN: 9780061874413

  Adobe Digital Edition April 2009 ISBN 9780061874413

  Version 02152013

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