by Lin Stepp
“But you want children, too, don’t you?” Vivian asked in a hurt voice.
“You know I do.” Scott sat down in the glider beside Vivian and put his hand over hers. “I have fantasies about you holding our babies, about the two of us laughing down into their faces together, about us walking along holding their little hands in ours. I’m a sentimental guy, Vivian.”
“But we could make room in our hearts for Sarah, too.” Vivian put her other hand over his and gave him a wistful look. “We could love her and still have children of our own.”
Scott studied her then. She was getting that serious set to her face that indicated she wasn’t going to give in easily to argument.
“Listen, Vivian,” he offered. “It’s one thing when you wheedle me into taking Sarah and Chelsey to Dollywood for the day when I’d rather just be with you, but it’s entirely another thing for you to try to wheedle me into adopting a child when I’m not even married yet. This is simply not some place I want to go, Vivian.”
He got up to pace again, stopping to lean against the porch railing to look down at her on the glider.
“I know you’ve gotten attached to Sarah, Vivian. I’ve seen it.” He kept his voice casual. “With the girls not in school, and with you and Ellen doing so many things together with the girls, it was bound to happen. With your past, it would be easy for your heart to get overly involved in this matter. You know that.”
He turned to sit down beside her and take her hand.
“I love you, Vivian,” he said with sincerity. “And I want above all things to make you happy. But I don’t think this idea is right for us now. We’re just starting out as a couple. We can have our own children. Probably the family that is wanting Sarah can’t have children at all. They probably really need her.”
“Alice says they have one child. They just can’t have another.” Vivian dropped her eyes. “They think Sarah will round out their family.”
“Well, you see? She’s needed there.” He patted her hand. “They’ve been married a while, Vivian. They’re already into children and that stage of their lives. She’ll be loved there. I’m sure Alice wouldn’t have decided on any family that wouldn’t be right for Sarah.”
“But I love Sarah, Scott. And she loves me,” Vivian pleaded. “Don’t you understand? Haven’t you seen it? We have a connection. We’re meant to be together. And Sarah loves you, too, Scott. She worships you. She wants to stay here. She loves Ellen and Quint and Chelsey, too. She needs to stay here with us.”
“Look, Vivian.” Scott tried a reasonable approach. “At the end of every camp session, half of my kids bawl and squawl that they don’t want to go home. They want to stay with the camp and their counselors forever. They weep over the friends they’ve made, they cry over parting from the staff. Then they go on home, readjust, and everything’s fine. Every summer, I want to keep about half those kids. And every summer, I always fall in love with some special child at the camp. Some kid always really gets in my heart. But at summer’s end, I say goodbye. And we all move on. When Sarah goes to her new family, we’ll all move on, too. You’ll see.”
“It’s not the same.” Vivian started to cry then. “I can’t let her go, Scott. I can’t. Can’t you see that this is something I need?”
Getting irritated now, Scott opted for honesty. “Can’t you see that this is not something I need or want? I matter in this, too, Vivian. This is both of our lives we’re talking about here. I like Sarah. I really do. I’m genuinely fond of her. But I don’t want to become a father right now. I’ve just gotten my mind settled that I want to become a husband.”
“And what if I decide that I will foster Sarah anyway?” Vivian insisted, a little testily now. “I’m not married yet, Scott. I don’t have to do what you say. Alice says that with my education and my financial situation I’d have no trouble becoming a foster parent to Sarah.”
Scott looked into Vivian’s eyes, noting the challenge there. Anger flared in him along with hurt.
“You’re right, Vivian,” he announced flatly. “We’re not married yet. You can still do whatever you want and the heck with me if I don’t agree or see things as you do. That’s a choice you can make. In fact, that’s the kind of choice couples make every day that often hurts and breaks up their relationships and their marriages. Couples have to work out their differences together to have a successful relationship. They have to compromise.”
“And your idea of working this out is for me to do all the compromising and give up Sarah and break my heart?” she demanded, her own anger flaring up now.
“You’re turning this into a purely emotional matter, Vivian, and trying to turn me into the enemy because I don’t want to adopt another person’s child just as I’m getting married for the first time.” Scott tried to stay reasonable and calm.
He came over to sit down by Vivian again and put his hand gently on her face. “Stop and think this through, Vivian. The one thing we both want here is the best solution for Sarah. Maybe the best answer is for her to go into a family where both the mother and the father are eager and ready to have her. Into a family where the couple has been married for a long time already. Where there is another child.”
“And maybe the best thing is for her to stay with me,” said Vivian stubbornly.
She looked up at Scott then with a tear-streaked face. “Don’t make me choose, Scott. I love you both too much.”
Stunned, Scott stared into her eyes. “You’d choose fostering this child over marrying me?” He found the idea even difficult to put into words.
“You’re bringing it to that for me.” Vivian lifted her chin defiantly.
“No,” Scott said, standing up now, almost shaking. “You’re bringing this to that point yourself, Vivian. You committed to me months ago. Took my heart. Took my ring. Gave me your promises and pledges before God. And now you’re adding new conditions to that commitment. Wanting to add amendments.” He paused to take a breath. “Well, listen clearly, Vivian. I proposed marriage and meant it with all my heart. I didn’t propose fatherhood. I want some time before I’m ready for that. I don’t want to start my married life with both a wife and child. If that sounds harsh to you, I’m sorry for that. But this wasn’t in our original agreement.”
“I didn’t know I would fall in love with Sarah, too, along the way,” Vivian protested. “It just happened. Won’t you think about changing your heart about this?”
She was weeping profusely now, but Scott found his heart wasn’t moved.
“I only want to be with you right now, Vivian.” He looked down at her. “And I believe it’s best for us and for Sarah that she go on to this other family. We can go meet this couple Alice has found if it will make you feel better. We can have Sarah come to us for visits. Surely, Alice would let us do that.”
“She said she would,” Vivian admitted, sniffing. “But I want more. I don’t want to let Sarah go. I can’t, Scott. I just can’t. I believe it was destiny that she came when she did, met me and you and all of us when she did. Don’t you remember? The first time I met her she was even wearing fairy wings. It was meant to be.”
“It’s a pretty story you’re weaving, Vivian. You’re always persuasive with words. But the ending you’re weaving isn’t right for me. And I honestly don’t think it’s right for Sarah.”
He started off the porch then.
“I’m going home now, Vivian. I don’t want to talk about this any more tonight. If you feel you’ve got to make some kind of dramatic life choice and pick a foster child over a husband, then so be it. I’ll get over it in time, I’m sure. You haven’t given me much choice or thought in all of this, anyway.”
“Scott, please,” Vivian started.
“No, Vivian.” Scott turned back toward her coldly now. “Don’t start. Taking on a child is a serious commitment. And I’m not ready. So don’t ask me anymore. I want our own children some day, but not a child right now. You’ve asked me, and I’ve told you as honestly as I can. I’m sorry
you don’t like my choice or respect my feelings. But I can’t change them. And I don’t want to. I think it’s wrong of you to ask me to. I don’t know what else to say to you.”
As he walked home through the dark, Scott’s anger simmered and grew. He couldn’t believe Vivian would pick a child she’d just come to know over him. That she’d threaten not to marry him if he wouldn’t agree to foster and adopt Sarah Taylor. For God’s sake. What sort of woman was she? And what new side of herself had she hit him with now? The way he was hurting at the moment, he wished he’d never even met her.
Chapter 24
Thursday morning, a week later, Vivian wandered restlessly around the Greene’s barn while Ellen made soap. Finished with the early critical mixing stages, Ellen now worked on the lengthier stirring phase to thicken the soap mixture. She was making lavender soap today, and a nice hint of lavender fragrance hung in the air. Vivian found herself toying moodily with the lavender buds on the workbench that Ellen used for texture. She had dried hibiscus petals laid out, too, which she used to give the soap a purplish color.
Ellen looked up at Vivian with a frank stare. “You want to quit pacing around my shop and tell me what’s going on with you and Scott?”
Vivian turned around from the workbench to stare at Ellen in surprise.
“Oh, come on, Vivian.” Ellen frowned. “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that the two of you have had some kind of spat. One, you’ve been moping around for over a week, being overly quiet, even for you. Two, Scott has nearly snapped my head off every time I’ve seen him. And, three, both of you came up with a bunch of lame excuses last week to avoid our Thursday night dinner.”
“I told you I had a script deadline to meet.” Vivian turned away to toy with the herbs on Ellen’s workbench again, avoiding Ellen’s perceptive eyes at the same time. “You know I’m flying out to California early tomorrow morning to have meetings about the show, and there are a lot of things I have to do before I leave.”
“Right,” Ellen said, sarcastically. “And I’m sure that explains why after you caught the bridal bouquet at Norma Jean and Trolley Harper’s wedding on Sunday afternoon that you sneaked into the church bathroom and burst into tears.”
Startled, Vivian put her hand to her heart and turned to search Ellen’s face. “How did you know that, Ellen?” Vivian almost whispered.
“I followed you.” Ellen announced this calmly with a shrug. “I could tell something was wrong at the time, Vivian. You should have been excited about catching that bouquet. And you should have been laughing along with everyone else when the McFee girls wailed that it wasn’t fair you caught the bouquet when you were already engaged.”
As if remembering the day herself, Ellen smiled. “It was a great wedding, you know, Vivian. Not that you hardly noticed.”
She paused to check her soap mixture to see if it was tracing yet, and then continued. “When I heard you boo-hooing in the bathroom stall, I decided I would just wait and talk to you about everything later. And now it’s later.”
Ellen was always very matter-of-fact like this. Usually, Vivian appreciated her candor, but now she studied her thoughtfully, deciding what she wanted to tell her.
“I’m your best friend now, Vivian,” Ellen prompted, seeming to read her mind. “I think I can be trusted with your confidences, don’t you?”
She blew a strand of hair out of her eyes and grinned sideways at Vivian. “Besides, if you don’t tell me I’m going to send that horrid picture Quint took of the two of us off to the tabloids. The one where we fell in the creek running away from that snake we saw in the water.”
Vivian laughed then, in spite of herself. “That was a truly awful picture, Ellen. We were both wet and shrieking, and we looked absolutely ridiculous.”
“Yeah, it’s a great blackmail opportunity. So sit down and talk, Vivian.” Ellen gestured to a chair. “All couples have spats. It can’t be all that bad.”
“It’s worse than bad.” Vivian dropped down into the old folding chair. “I don’t think Scott and I will be getting married at all now, Ellen. We’ve had two terrible fights.”
Just admitting this much started Vivian’s tears again.
“You’d think I wouldn’t even have any tears left after all the ones I’ve cried this last week,” she complained, sniffling.
Ellen tossed her a tissue tucked in her back pocket. “My grandmother always said that love brings more mixed joy and sorrow than any other event in life, Vivian.”
“Well, it’s mostly sorrow right now.” Vivian wiped her eyes and blew her nose.
“So, talk and tell me what happened, would you?” Ellen prompted impatiently. “Just start at the beginning and give me the facts.”
“Okay.” Vivian gave in reluctantly. “You remember last Tuesday, I kept Sarah while you took Chelsey to the doctor?”
Ellen nodded.
“Well, Alice came by to check on Sarah and visited for a while that day.”
“Alice called me and said she might stop by over at your place to see Sarah.” Ellen stirred her soap while she listened. “So?”
“So Alice told me that she might have a home for Sarah.”
“She told me that, too,” Ellen paused in her stirring. “The Perrys – Harvey and Blanche, I think their names are. I met them over at Cosby once. They own rental cabins and a log house out in the country. It’s a nice family. They have one boy about ten and they want a little girl. It’s not a bad situation for Sarah. What does that have to do with you and Scott?”
“I told Alice I wanted to foster Sarah myself,” Vivian explained. “We’ve bonded, Sarah and I. I realized when Alice started talking about taking Sarah away that I couldn’t bear it if she did, Ellen. I want to adopt Sarah, too, if I can.”
Ellen looked at Vivian thoughtfully then. “That doesn’t really surprise me in some ways, Vivian. Anyone can see you and Sarah are crazy about each other. Sarah even tells stories about you. I thought it might be a wrench for both of you when she had to move on in time. I assume that Scott wasn’t as enthusiastic.”
“I thought he’d love the idea,” Vivian said, sighing. “He’s so fond of Sarah and Chelsey both. I thought he’d be happy about us keeping her, adopting her, raising her. But he wasn’t at all.”
“What did he say?” Ellen tested her soap and started stirring again.
“He said he liked Sarah but that he didn’t want to foster or adopt her.” Vivian’s words came out in a rush. “He said he wanted it to be just the two of us when we got married. That he wanted us to have some years together before having children. That he wanted us to have our own children. He was adamant that he didn’t want me to foster Sarah. He said if I did that our marriage was off.”
“That doesn’t sound like Scott, making ultimatums.” Ellen studied Vivian’s face. “Are you sure that it wasn’t you that made that ultimatum?”
“Well, it doesn’t matter how it happened.” Vivian scuffed her foot along the ground. “The result was the same. I want Sarah and Scott doesn’t.”
“And then you said?” Ellen raised her eyebrows inquiringly.
Vivian lifted her chin. “I said what Alice told me. That my education and my financial situation would make it possible for me to have Sarah even if he didn’t want her. And that I was going to foster Sarah, even by myself, if I had to.” She stopped and looked up appealingly at Ellen then. “I can’t let her go, Ellen. I’ve come to love her.”
“And what about loving Scott?” Ellen asked softly.
“Well, I love Scott, too.” Vivian twisted her hands and started to weep again. “I love them both. That’s why this is so hard. This whole thing is just tearing me apart, Ellen. I tried to go over to talk to Scott again this week, to get him to see how important this is to me. And he just won’t bend at all, Ellen. He thinks Sarah should go on to the Perry’s. Do you think you could talk to him, Ellen?”
“No way.” Ellen shook her head. “I’m not taking sides in this. I’m staying the neut
ral party here. This isn’t like arguing over what color of bride’s maids dresses to have. This is about a child’s life. And this is about both of your lives and your futures. You have to find a way to be in agreement over this.”
Ellen stopped to check her soap. It was tracing now and beginning to look like liquid honey in its consistency.
“Start handing me those oils and herbs over there on the workbench,” she directed Vivian. “My soap is starting to trace.”
Ellen worked for a little while, adding color, scent, and herbs to her thickened soap mixture, and then stirring it well. The rich scent of lavender filled the air.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Vivian told her dejectedly.
“So what options have you been thinking about, Vivian?” Ellen turned to look at Vivian sympathetically before starting to dip her soap out into the molds. “I know you’ve been considering options. People do.”
“I really only have two.” Vivian stood up to help Ellen pour the soap. “Give up Sarah and marry Scott - if he’ll still have me, that is. Or foster Sarah and give up Scott. That’s basically it, Ellen, and both choices are going to break my heart.”
“And which decision are you planning to make?”
“I just can’t bring myself to give Sarah up,” Vivian confided. “Even if it means losing Scott. In fact, I’m thinking about asking Alice if Sarah and I can go back to California. I don’t think I could stay here in the area where I would see Scott all the time. I think it would just gradually destroy me.”
The tears came again then. “While I’m in California, I thought I might look at property around Mendocino where I grew up. I think Sarah would like it there. I was happy there when I was her age. It’s on the coast.”
“Well, that’s hardly an answer I’m happy with.” Ellen looked up with annoyance. “I’d lose you from the area, and Chelsey would lose Sarah, too. Cosby is at least close enough for the girls to remain friends. But California is a long way from here.”
“I know,” Vivian said, her voice breaking. “But I don’t know what else to do!”
