by Suzi Davis
“You are. You’ve given up so much for him Grace and you can’t even see it. He’s changed you, he’s made you like him – a loner, a nobody with nothing but him by your side.”
“That’s enough for me.” I felt a chill run down my spine though as Clarke skirted unknowingly close to the truth. Sebastian had changed me, emotionally and physically.
“Clarke, I appreciate your concern, I really do,” I told him and strangely it was true. “But I know what I’m doing. I haven’t given up anything for Sebastian; I’ve made no sacrifices. I’ve been so much happier since I met him and though it may seem to you like I’ve changed a lot, I haven’t really changed at all. This is the real me. I don’t want to lose your friendship but if you can’t accept me being with Sebastian, then our friendship is already over.”
“You’d give me up for him too?” he accused, his tone bitter once more.
“I would.” I answered truthfully even though I knew it would hurt him.
Clarke winced, my words obviously wounding him. For a second he looked angry, his chest puffing up in response to his injured pride. But then something changed and he blew out the air in his lungs in a big huff, suddenly seeming smaller, sadder, deflated.
“You’re wrong, Grace and you’re going to realize it one day, one day soon. I won’t give up on you,” he promised, his voice quieter but his eyes fervent. I shrugged, already turning away. A small part of me was touched by Clarke’s concern – though it was a very small part. I knew that he was really just upset that someone else had gotten what he had wanted, especially since that someone was Sebastian, a ‘nobody’. And though his passion and sudden focus was flattering, I suspected it to be just an expression of false bravado and conceit.
“He’s hiding something – I know he is. I’ll find out what it is, I’ll expose him to you, Grace. Then you’ll see how he doesn’t deserve you. Then you’ll understand your mistake.”
“I seriously doubt that, Clarke,” I muttered over my shoulder as I walked away.
The icy breeze picked up as I walked, shaking the bare branches of the tall maple trees above me. Tiny, fluffy white snowflakes began to lightly fall, fluttering this way and that on the wind. I couldn’t be certain, but as I soothingly stroked the smooth piece of amber that hung around my neck, I could have sworn I heard Clarke’s low, threatening voice, carried to me on the frosty air.
“He hasn’t won yet,” he vowed.
I glanced back over my shoulder to see him watching me walk away, his expression dark. He was too far away for me to have possible heard him speak though – it must have just been my imagination. Either way, a cold shiver rippled through me that had little to do with the snow.
Chapter Twelve - Frustration
When I got back to my room, Sebastian was sitting on my bed reading one of my books while he waited. It was a whimsical, new age fiction novel that I’d been drawn to in the library a few weeks ago, entitled “Past Lives”. I was surprised to see Sebastian reading it – I hadn’t gotten past the prologue yet myself. I didn’t bother asking how he had gotten into the building and up to my room unseen, or if he thought it was a good idea for him to be there so soon after Lisa’s warning. The smile he gave me when I entered was proof enough that he was exactly where he wanted to be and no one would be interrupting us anytime soon. I fought the nearly irresistible urge to smile back and tried to give him a disapproving glare. It was difficult when he gazed across the room at me with his dark, mysterious eyes, his beautiful smile lighting up his handsome face and making my heart and soul throb.
“Why did you want Clarke to see us together today?” I demanded, deciding not to skirt the issue. Sebastian’s smile didn’t falter for a second.
“I wanted everyone to see us together; I’m proud to have you by my side,” he said innocently as he set the book beside him, having carefully folded a corner to mark his page. I gave him a hard look, walking over to the wooden chair beside my writing desk and sitting down to face him. He shifted slightly, his smile tenuous. “I suppose I might have wanted Clarke, in particular, to see us together.” He gave a quick shrug. “I know he still has feelings for you; I just wanted to ensure he knew how things were between us now.”
My eyebrows lifted in surprise. “You wanted to make him jealous?”
“No,” Sebastian quickly denied. “I don’t care what Clarke Simons thinks. I just wanted to ensure he knew we were together now and that he should back off.”
“Really?” The skepticism in my voice was obvious. Sebastian didn’t answer. “Well, whether you wanted to or not, you did make him jealous but unfortunately it’s only made him more determined. He told me that he loves me and isn’t giving up.” I rolled my eyes as I spoke.
“He said he loves you?” Sebastian repeated.
“Yes,” I answered, suddenly feeling hesitant. “You’re not jealous are you? You know I only think of Clarke as my friend.”
“Actually, I was under the impression you didn’t even care for him as that,” Sebastian casually commented. He stood up and tossed my book back onto my bedside table.
“I didn’t but he’s been a surprisingly good friend to me lately. He was there for me when I needed him, when you were ignoring me,” I reminded him gently. Sebastian scowled at the floor briefly, then suddenly spun, quickly stepping towards me and pulling me to my feet. His arms encircled me, holding me firmly and tightly against him.
“I’m not ignoring you now,” he pointed out, a smile in his eyes. I reached a hand up and ran it through his soft, messy black hair, admiring the many tints that shone in the light.
“It would appear that I have your full attention,” I agreed.
“You always have my attention, now and forever. I don’t know how I ever managed to keep away from you before. You are disgustingly un-ignorable,” he teased. I laughed in response.
“I’m flattered, but I haven’t forgotten about Clarke,” I added. A flicker of annoyance crossed his face. “He is my friend, Sebastian; I owe him. Please, I don’t want him to be jealous, I don’t want him to be hurt – I just want him to be happy too. Can’t you want what I want?”
Sebastian sighed. “I’ll try,” he agreed. “But it’s not always that easy, Gracelynn.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that,” I argued, smiling up at him coyly. “I’m fairly certain I can make you want the same thing as me now…” I let my words trail off as I became quite preoccupied with convincing Sebastian how easy it was to want the same thing.
Over the next several days, I tried not to let my attention become totally consumed by Sebastian. It was difficult, as I truly didn’t feel like I needed anything more in my life than just him. Some of what Clarke said stuck with me though; I didn’t want to ever feel like I’d sacrificed anything for Sebastian. I didn’t want to ever have any regrets or harbor even the smallest sliver of resentment.
I quickly realized just how absorbed in my own little world I had been yesterday. With my effort to be more self-aware, I noticed how many people still stared at me at school. I heard them whisper and wonder about me and about Sebastian, and about my parents. I saw the confusion in many of my peers’ eyes. I could tell they were all asking the same questions Clarke had been; what was I doing with a boy like Sebastian? Why had I given up so much to be with him? Could I really be happy? What was I thinking? But these were their questions – not mine, I firmly reminded myself. I knew what I was doing. I was happy. It didn’t matter what other people thought.
I made the mistake of commenting to Sebastian one night how I was starting to grow tired of being stared at. We were cuddled up together under the covers on my bed, whispering in the dark. We had to be quiet as it was well past curfew in my dormitory, not to mention the fact that Sebastian wasn’t even supposed to be in my room at any time of day.
“It makes you unhappy that others stare?” he asked. I couldn’t see his face in the dark but his voice sounded sad.
“A little,” I admitted. “You’d think I’d be used
to it by now but sometimes, all I want is to be ignored, to be left alone with you and to not have to worry about anyone or anything else. The only attention I need, the only attention I want, is yours.”
“I feel the same way,” he said with a sleepy sigh, his arms tightening around me. “I didn’t want anyone to notice me before I met you. I wanted to be left alone so strongly that most people didn’t even notice I attended the school. But then I saw you drawing that day and you looked so sad, and suddenly all I wanted was to make you smile, to take away just a little of your sadness. I realized I didn’t want to remain unnoticed anymore, at least not by you. I’d been watching you from a distance for weeks but until that moment, I hadn’t even realized just how badly I wanted to speak to you, to know you. And now I’m so happy that I’m with you – I want the whole world to see us together, to know just how lucky I am. But I’m sorry it’s making you unhappy. I definitely don’t want that. I can’t bear to be the cause of your unhappiness, to any degree,” he murmured quietly.
“I’m not unhappy,” I whispered back, fighting a yawn. “They’d probably stare even if you didn’t want them to – people are nosy.”
“They might – you are ridiculously beautiful after all,” he agreed. I tried to snort indignantly but the effect was ruined by another yawn.
“That’s not what I meant,” I argued.
“I know. Now go to sleep.”
I was about to argue some more but my words were cut off by yet another yawn. And so I let the matter drop, falling into a deep and sound sleep full of vivid but easily forgotten dreams.
After that night everyone started to ignore Sebastian and I. At first it was a relief; it was, after all, what I had wanted. I no longer had to see the anger and hurt in Clarke’s face every time he looked at us, there were no more curious, questioning eyes following me everywhere at school – there was nothing. I relaxed and rejoiced in this new privacy, and Sebastian took obvious pleasure in my happiness, especially since he was the cause. He laughed and joked and chatted away, more animated and light-hearted than I’d seen him in weeks. And so once I realized just how lonely it was being ignored, once I started missing the smiles and waves and occasional greetings that were mixed in with the stares and whispers, then I had to hide it from Sebastian. I knew how guilty he would feel if he knew he’d actually made things worse for me. I couldn’t bear to be the cause of his unhappiness either.
After about a week of being thoroughly ignored and left alone by the rest of the student body, I decided to take a pro-active approach and initiate conversation with someone other than Sebastian. I announced to Sebastian that I wanted to eat lunch in the cafeteria that day instead of in our usual spot on the benches outside.
“Okay, if that’s what you want,” he answered, looking at me strangely. I had spent some small amount of time complaining about the cafeteria. Sebastian had been quite amused by my little rant on how the cafeteria represented everything that was wrong with high school; the student body divided into cliques by who they sat and ate with, the popular kids served first as even the staff recognized the pecking order, and all the while everyone on display, staring at one another, whispering and judging, putting others down to lift their own spirits higher. It usually made me lose my appetite but today it was just what I needed.
“That’s what I want. Isn’t it funny how sometimes you don’t miss something until it’s gone,” I mused. Sebastian continued to look at me with an unreadable expression on his face, the familiar ancient look in his eyes that he sometimes got when he was remembering the past. “We don’t have to eat in the cafeteria,” I hesitantly backtracked, wondering what was wrong. His eyes refocused on me, a sudden smile appearing on his face.
“Don’t be ridiculous. Let’s go.” He clasped my hand and towed me in the direction of the cafeteria.
It was the first time I’d eaten in the school cafeteria since before Winter Break. It felt strange to enter the massive dining hall with so few heads turning; barely anyone glanced our way as we walked between the wooden tables and benches and those who did only looked fleetingly.
“Where do you want to sit?” Sebastian asked as we neared the center of the hall.
“Let’s sit by the fireplace over there,” I gestured vaguely as I spoke though I had a very specific table in mind, the one just behind Clarke and his friends. Sebastian nodded, following me towards the side of the hall. Just before we reached the table I had indicated, it suddenly filled up with students. Within seconds there wasn’t a spare inch of space. I scanned the surrounding area; all of the tables near Clarke’s were suddenly and unexpectedly crowded and full. I sighed, trying to suppress the vague sense of irritation.
“You don’t want to sit near Clarke,” I said flatly. Sebastian looked at me curiously.
“No, of course I don’t,” he replied as if it should have been obvious.
“I’d like to speak with him. Can we sit with him today?”
“You can sit with whoever you want, Gracelynn; you don’t need my permission,” he reminded me. “I am most certain that I would not be welcomed at Clarke’s table though, so perhaps I’ll wait for you outside. I’d like to have a cigarette anyway.” I could tell he was lying so I wouldn’t feel badly about ditching him. I pretended I believed him.
“Thanks, Sebastian. I won’t be long,” I promised. He smiled and quickly kissed my cheek. Before he walked away I thought I saw a hint of sadness in his eyes but perhaps I had imagined it.
My relationship with Sebastian, though complicated, had always been easy and come naturally to us both. I hated how recently I’d had to try to make things work. I hated when we didn’t want the same things, it was always so much more difficult. I sighed as I watched him go, then took a deep breath, squared my shoulders and looked away from his retreating back. It was time to face my old friends.
None of them looked up as I approached, not even Clarke. I hesitated beside their table, unnerved by their complete lack of acknowledgment. I felt invisible, as if I didn’t even exist. Just as I was starting to turn to walk away, Clarke happened to look up. His eyes met mine and for a brief second he stared at me blankly, he almost glanced away again but then sudden recognition flared in his eyes.
“Grace!” he exclaimed, a smile spreading across his face. It was strange how much it pleased me to hear someone else say my name, to know that I wasn’t just a ghost, haunting my past life, unseen and unwelcome. “Did you want to sit with us?” Clarke’s smile was welcoming and a little too hopeful as he noticed I was alone.
“Actually, that would be great. Thanks.”
I sat down across the table from Clarke. Rebecca slid as far away from me as possible, pushing up against Graham, her nose wrinkled in distaste at having to share the bench. I almost laughed but settled for a half-hidden smirk. I had forgotten how ridiculous these girls could be.
“So what’s up Grace? I’m glad you came over. I’ve been wanting to talk to you for days now but it seems like I barely ever see you at school anymore and when I do, something always comes up. Plus, Sebastian’s always hanging around you,” he added with a frown.
“Yeah, where is your boyfriend, Grace?” Tanya taunted as she tossed her now shoulder-length blonde hair over her shoulder.
“He went outside for a cigarette,” I answered levelly. Tanya sneered while Rebecca just looked shocked. The boys, other than Clarke, didn’t appear to be listening.
“Ew, he smokes?” Cadence asked, sounding slightly scandalized.
“Figures,” Clarke muttered condescendingly. I struggled to remember why exactly I had wanted to sit with these people. “Your mother’s been asking me about you, Grace,” Clarke told me, changing the subject.
“What? When did you talk to my mother?”
“I see her all the time. She’s been spending a lot of time with my mom lately; she’s been a real shoulder for your mother during this difficult time,” Clarke explained, a superior tone to his voice as if suggesting his mother were so much stronger
than mine. I shouldn’t have let it irritate me – after all, it might very well be true. “She’s lucky to have my mom’s support – and Walter’s. He’s been very loyal to your mother through these trials.” His tone sounded almost admiring.
“I wouldn’t know. I haven’t spoken to my mother since I moved out,” I reluctantly told Clarke, lowering my voice slightly as I spoke. The girls were all leaning forward, their eyes alight with the possibility of fresh gossip.
“I know,” Clarke answered disapprovingly. “She wanted to know how you were, if you were still acting… if you were still seeing Sebastian,” he rephrased. “I told her that you were and how you’d even started to accept tacky gifts from him,” he looked pointedly at my necklace as he spoke, his possessive jealousy obvious. “Even Walter seemed shocked to hear that – he even had me describe that cheap atrocity you’ve taken to wearing. Your mother was quite disappointed to hear it all, especially when I informed her of how you’ve been avoiding me too.” I fought the urge to grind my teeth.
“I haven’t been avoiding you,” I told him firmly. “What exactly did you tell her?”
“The truth.” He looked indignant and perhaps even offended at my implication.
I sighed, unwilling to argue. “No wonder she hasn’t called then,” I half-joked. Clarke’s friend Adam barked out a laugh. I hadn’t realized he’d been listening. Even Clarke smiled ruefully.
“Ugh, do we have to talk about this,” Tanya complained, making it obvious that this was me.
“Yeah, let’s talk about something else,” Rebecca immediately agreed. “Did you hear about that girl, Jamie? She was one of the dormitory mothers.”
Cadence leant forward in interest. “The pregnant one?”
“Who else would she be talking about?” Tanya scoffed. Cadence blushed, looking down at her plate.
“I didn’t know one of the dorm-mothers was pregnant,” I commented. Tanya threw me a withering look but Rebecca accepted the opening enthusiastically.
