by Suzi Davis
“She’s not – anymore.” Rebecca’s eyes widened as she spoke. Cadence gasped, and even Tanya and the boys looked interested. “She was just starting to show before Winter Break when she finally told the school about her condition. Of course they fired her immediately but then, just before Christmas, I heard she ended up losing the pregnancy anyway. Can you imagine?” Despite myself, I had become caught up in the story. My heart went out for that poor girl. I immediately wondered if Lisa knew her.
“That’s awful,” Tanya surprised me by empathizing. Cadence nodded her agreement. “So if she’d just kept her mouth shut for another week or two she would never have lost her job or tarnished her reputation. Ugh, I bet she feels like an idiot now!”
“If she’d kept something else shut she wouldn’t be in that position in the first place,” Adam chimed in. All the boys, including Clarke, laughed raucously. The girls smirked but gave the boys flirtatiously disapproving looks. I was so disgusted by them all that I began to feel physically nauseous.
“That poor girl lost her baby and you’re laughing about it?” I demanded incredulously. I was so angry my voice came out tight and strained. They all turned to look at me, surprised by my strong reaction and the heat with which I spoke. My amber pendant weighed heavily against my chest, its steady warmth seeming to increase with my outrage.
“Oh, please Grace! Don’t get all righteous on us. Jamie was just some trashy, college freshman who was stupid enough to get herself knocked up and ruin her own life. She got what she deserved,” Tanya pronounced callously. I glared back at her.
“Thanks, Tanya,” I said as I stood up. They all looked at me in confusion.
“For what?”
“For being yourself. I thought I might be missing something, but it turns out – I’m not.” They all stared at me as if I had two heads; it didn’t bother me, it actually made me smile. I imagined I had given Sebastian very similar looks when we had first met. “Goodbye, Clarke,” I said without bothering to even look his way.
“See ya around,” he answered, seeming confused and perhaps irritated by my abruptness.
“I doubt it,” I muttered as I walked away.
I was still fuming as I walked outside and began searching for Sebastian. I couldn’t quite figure out why I was so angry. Perhaps it was because I’d foolishly forgotten just what my old friends were like. I’d been lying to myself, my expectations for them set impossibly high and reality had been a cruel disappointment. It was a reminder of just how little I’d given up for Sebastian. But there was more to it than just that, I thought. Why did I feel so angry, so sad and empty inside, as if I’d lost something myself? And why did I feel guilty, almost like I’d been caught lying?
I contemplated this as I wandered away from the dining hall. I thought I caught a whiff of cigarette smoke floating upon the icy, brittle air. I turned towards the smell, following the winding path that led past the school chapel and down towards the flower gardens that were mostly bare this time of year. I saw Sebastian before he saw me. He was sitting on a bench, looking out over the ice-covered pond with an untouched cigarette dangling from his hand. He appeared to be deep in thought. My eyes widened slightly as I noticed the thin stream of smoke coiling upwards from his cigarette and splitting into two distinct strands that wound and weaved together in an impossibly intricate and unnatural pattern, holding together long after the wind should have blown the smoke apart. I’d never seen his strange influence so obvious and powerful before.
I paused in the pathway, taking a moment to admire him. He was dark and handsome, his unique beauty so obvious to me even from this distance that I wondered how I could ever have not seen it? My heart swelled at the sight of him, my temperament instantly soothed, my irritation with Tanya, Clarke and the others evaporating. It was no longer important; the only thing that mattered to me, the only person who meant anything to me was here. But then why did I still feel that nagging hint of sadness and regret? And that’s when I realized what was really bothering me.
I had been lying before when I told Clarke I hadn’t given up anything for Sebastian. I had given up something, something I had so quickly tried to forget - my ability to age, to grow, to have children. I was only eighteen; I certainly wasn’t ready to become a mother anytime soon. I was still a virgin and planned to stay that way until I was married and… and what? Grown up? That no longer appeared to be an option for me. My body had been frozen in time, my growth stunted in defiance of nature’s laws, without my consent or desire. Maybe I hadn’t really given up anything for Sebastian but he had certainly taken something from me and to be honest, I wasn’t certain how I felt about that. I rubbed my hand against my lower back, my tension seeming to gather in that spot, focusing into a dull, nagging ache.
Sebastian turned and saw me watching him. For a fleeting moment, I saw a strange, melancholy expression on his face but it was quickly replaced by a warm smile. He butted out his cigarette and spun off the bench, jogging lightly up the path towards me.
“Sorry, I thought you’d be in the dining hall for most of lunch,” he apologized as he approached. His expression suddenly changed, becoming wary and uncertain as he read the emotions on my face. “What did he say to you?”
“Nothing,” I quickly denied.
“Gracelynn, don’t lie to me. It’s obvious you’re upset. What did Clarke do?”
“No, really, it wasn’t him. He was fine – quite happy to talk to me. But the others… ugh, they disgust me! They haven’t changed a bit. They’re all so self-involved, so judgmental and superficial; I’d forgotten just how awful they can be,” I explained. My anger was now burnt out and I just sounded and felt tired.
“I’m sorry,” Sebastian said simply. His eyes were apologetic and full of compassion. The way he said it, the way he was looking at me, it felt like he knew what I’d been thinking moments ago. Like he knew what was really upsetting me. I suddenly felt ashamed.
Sebastian didn’t walk me to my dormitory building after classes that day; he said he had something to attend to and would meet me there in an hour but I think he understood that I needed some time alone. I walked slowly across campus, dawdling and taking the longest route possible as I tried to work my way through my increasingly complex thoughts and emotions. I was so wrapped up in my own mind that when I entered my room, I didn’t immediately notice I wasn’t alone. I jumped back in surprise, my heart instantly racing, my muscles locking in fear as I realized there was a dark figure sitting by my desk. He held a book in his hand as if he’d been reading; it looked like he’d gotten halfway through the novel now. He certainly wasn’t reading anymore. His attention was entirely focused on me, his expression solemn, his eyes sad and full of concern as he studied my face.
“Sebastian, you scared me!” I chastised, placing a hand over my now-pounding heart.
“Boo,” he said softly, a sad smile on his face as he lightly placed the book on my desk.
“What are you doing here? It’s barely been half an hour. Is something wrong?” I asked, instantly concerned.
“Nothing’s wrong. You seemed upset today; I was worried about you and didn’t want to leave you alone for too long so I only took a brief detour on my way here. You look like you have a lot on your mind,” he commented as he stood. He held his arms open for me and I slipped comfortably into his embrace, resting my head against his steady chest.
“Oh, I just got caught up in my thoughts while I was walking. I was worrying about one of the dorm-mother’s, Jamie. She’s got herself into quite a situation.”
“The dorm-mother who miscarried? Yes, I heard about that.” I twisted in his arms to look up at him in surprise. “That’s what I was doing just now. I wanted to know what Clarke’s friends had been talking about at lunch that upset you so much, so the information came my way,” he explained. “You seemed so distraught by the news…”
I knew there was a good chance he had guessed what was really bothering me, perhaps before I had even realized myself. He s
eemed quite aggravated, probably because he had been unable to protect me from this sad news. I reached up to touch the frown lines on his forehead, his expression smoothing and relaxing at my touch.
“It’s not your responsibility to think of every possible thing that might upset me and then not want it to happen. Life is meant to have its ups and downs – it’s okay, it’s natural,” I reminded him.
“I know. I just want you to be happy so badly, Gracelynn. It’s become my very reason for being. But it seems like no matter how hard I try, I just make things worse for you. I’m so sorry,” he apologized, his expression morose. “Like with your father, for example. I’m trying to want him to reconcile with you but,” he paused, looking away from me in shame, “I think there must be a selfish part of me that just doesn’t want it enough. I don’t want him to have the power to hurt you again. I’m trying so hard but sometimes you just can’t change what you want.” He looked down into my eyes pleadingly, willing me to understand. He looked tired, exhausted even.
“It’s okay, Sebastian. I know you’re trying. I know you want me to be happy and so I trust that eventually it’ll all work out.” I crept up onto my tiptoes to brush my lips against his. He looked deeply into my eyes, searching their depths. In the back of my mind, I prayed he wouldn’t see in them what I was so desperately trying to hide. That sad, empty part of me that feared he was right, that no matter how hard he tried he might only ever make things more complicated, that no matter what he wanted, perhaps we were just not meant to be…
“I know what you need,” I told him, seriously. “You need to stop worrying; to forget about everything.” I knew that was what I needed anyway.
He laughed, wryly. “And I thought my memory loss was a large portion of the problem.” His voice still sounded sad but there was a twinkle of amusement in his eyes. I lifted my hands to lightly place my fingertips on each of his temples.
“I can make you forget,” I threatened. A smile twitched at his lips.
“Do your worst,” he encouraged, humoring me. I grinned at his words then surprised him by twisting my fingers into his hair and pulling his face down to mine a little more aggressively than he was used to. My lips met his mouth forcefully as I felt the overwhelming need to become lost in my desire and for a time, for us both to forget everything but each other. And it worked, all thoughts were chased from my mind as I was consumed by my love, my never-ending want for him. It was bliss.
Later that night after lights-out, I lay on my side in my bed with Sebastian’s warm body curled protectively against mine, his arm around my waist. I listened to the sound of his peaceful, even breathing, surprised that he had fallen asleep before me. He normally lay awake, wanting to hold me until I fell asleep and then quietly slipping from my room before morning, not wanting to get either of us in trouble. Tonight I couldn’t find the peace of sleep.
I wriggled around in his arms so that we were face to face, the movement not stirring him from his sleep in the slightest. I stared at him in wonder, our faces so close together. He looked so beautiful in the dim light of the moon coming in through the window. All the lines of worry and tension had melted from his face, leaving him as innocent and peaceful as an angel in his sleep. He must have been really worried; the stress and exhaustion finally catching up to him. I felt a fresh wave of guilt, knowing that I was the main cause of his tension.
I gently pressed my lips against his, unable to resist the urge. His lips quivered beneath mine, his eyelids fluttered. I pulled back quickly, afraid that I’d awakened him.
“Gee-lynn,” he mumbled softly. It sounded like he was trying to say my name. “…found you… the others… I’m sorry.”
A smile tugged at my lips. I was amused by how Sebastian’s subconscious made just as little sense as his conscious mind. He mumbled something else and though the words were incoherent he still somehow conveyed a sense of peace, the barest hint of a smile on his lips. He sighed, his arm tightening around me for a moment and then relaxing while his breathing slowed and deepened.
In the sudden quiet of the night, while Sebastian slept and I was free from all distractions, I could no longer escape my darker thoughts. I began to toss and turn, acutely aware of the slowly building tension in my body. I tried in vain to find a comfortable position. The dark clouds that had been lingering on the edge of my thoughts were slowly creeping in and all my worries and doubts came crashing down upon me as I closed my eyes.
I loved Sebastian unwaveringly, of that I was absolutely certain but I was beginning to realize the high cost of being with him. I missed my father and I wondered how long it would take him to forgive me; weeks? Months? Years? How long did I have before people would notice I wasn’t aging and I’d have to leave Vancouver Island and everyone I’d ever loved and known far behind me? With Sebastian by my side, would I truly not mind? Would I still feel the loss?
And what about further into the future, when all the ramifications of my choices finally caught up to me? When I had outlived everyone I knew, when I had never lived in any one place for longer than a few years. What would I think then? Would I grow tired of always being viewed by the rest of the world as just another teenage girl? Would I envy my old friends their babies, their middle-aged credibility, their deaths? Would I regret my decisions? Would I eventually resent Sebastian for his selfishness? After years of his wants always trumping my own, would I one day, no longer love him enough to stay with him?
My mind was plagued with these questions, questions I feared the answers to. They spun round in my brain, my thoughts twisting and tangling as I hovered on the edge of consciousness. The only thought that soothed me, the only reason I was eventually able to relax enough to sleep was the mantra I kept chanting to myself; Sebastian loves me, he wants me to be happy, he wants it to work between us and so it will. I tried not to think about if he wanted it enough.
Chapter Thirteen - Promise & Price
I woke up the following morning covered in a damp sweat. I wondered if I had been shivering last night when Sebastian left, for there was an extra blanket pulled up over me. I roughly kicked it off, trying to untangle myself from the sheets. For a minute I lay there with my eyes closed, enjoying the feel of the cool air in my bedroom against my burning, sweaty skin. It wasn’t long before I began to shiver – apparently my inner thermostat was completely thrown out of whack this morning. I decided to give up on more sleep and get ready for the day. Even though it was Saturday, I wasn’t that disappointed not to sleep in for it meant that I would get to see Sebastian all the sooner. He always arrived not long after I woke, never wanting to miss a minute with me.
I sat up in bed and immediately let out a low groan. The dull ache in my back that I’d fallen asleep with flared into a nauseating, cramping pain as soon as I moved. I winced as I slowly stood up, my head pounding from lack of sleep, my eyes feeling grainy and tired. As soon as I stood I was greeted with a familiar yet totally unexpected sensation. I rushed to the bathroom to check. My back ache and emotional sensitivity from the day before were all finally making sense – my cycle had restarted.
A long, hot shower and a couple of extra-strength Tylenols fixed me right up. I also felt a lot better once I had dressed in stretchy yoga pants and a comfortable cotton hoodie. I was glad more than ever to avoid my school uniform today. Once I’d taken care of myself, I couldn’t help but wonder over the possible implications. Obviously, I had started aging again but what did it mean?
I turned up the thermostat in my room and went to sit on my bed, placing pillows between my back and the wall. For the first time, I missed my bedroom in my parents’ house or at least, I missed my window seat there. It would have been nice to perch up there now and look out over the slowly awakening, mist-covered world. A thick blanket of snow had fallen overnight and everything looked bright and clean under the weak sunlight. I sighed, trying to find a comfortable position against the pillows. I would just have to make do with what I had. With my blinds open I could at least see the s
now-covered lawn below and the icicles stretching down from the roof above. To be honest, the view didn’t really concern me; I knew I was just avoiding thinking about what was really bothering me.
Why had Sebastian changed his mind?
There was no denying that he no longer wanted me to remain ageless by his side forever and there were really only two possible explanations. One, he no longer loved me in that same, limitless, immeasurable way. I knew, without a doubt, that he loved me now but perhaps he had come to shy away from the commitment of forever. The idea was almost laughable; I sometimes felt I knew Sebastian even better than he knew himself and I immediately realized this wasn’t even a real possibility. And so I brushed the idea aside knowing it to be unlikely.
That left me with only one other explanation – Sebastian must love me more than ever before. He had finally managed to solve our dilemma through wanting my happiness above all else, above his own desires. He knew me through and through, as well as I knew him – I could hide nothing from him. He must have seen the sadness inside me, the hesitation, the doubt. And so he had finally managed to want absolutely nothing other than for me to be happy, even at the possible cost of his own happiness.
The realization hit me hard, bringing tears to my eyes. I knew that this must be the truth. It filled my heart until it broke to realize just how very much he must love me. I blinked back the tears, hugging my knees to my chest. And now the most important question I must ask myself; had Sebastian really solved the problem? Was I happy now? I certainly felt relieved. But happy… I wasn’t certain yet. Though I’d had many fears and anxieties over my possibly permanent ageless state, I had started to accept the inevitability of the situation. And now that Sebastian had given my life back to me (I winced at my own choice of words but it was true enough) shouldn’t I be rejoicing? Shouldn’t I feel more than this slight relief and hesitant happiness? I idly stroked the smooth, warm pendant of my amber necklace, the gesture comforting and focusing me.
