by Suzi Davis
“Sometimes wanting something isn’t enough,” Mrs. Jenson spoke softly.
“It will work,” Sebastian repeated firmly.
“And if it doesn’t?”
The room fell silent. I wished I could have seen Sebastian’s face.
“If Grace is unhappy with me this way… if she decides that she truly no longer wants me, I’ll go back to the way I was,” Sebastian quietly responded.
“I thought you’d given up your ability?” Mr. Jenson asked. “Even if you wanted to go back to the way you were, would it work? How can you be certain?”
“It would work, if it came to that.” Though Sebastian answered reluctantly, I could tell he was sure. “I may have never been able to do this before but I did remember the theory… if Grace honestly didn’t want me, if she took off the ring…” I could tell he didn’t like considering the possibility; I didn’t either.
“Sebastian, about that ring –” Mrs. Jenson began, speaking gently.
“That’s between Grace and I,” he interrupted, his voice sharp. The finality of his tone had abruptly ended the conversation; I could tell I would hear no more.
I quickly and quietly crept up the rest of the staircase, tiptoeing down the hall to Sebastian’s room. I crossed over to the window to watch the heavily falling snow while I waited for Sebastian to come up. My thoughts seemed to swirl like the thick, heavy snowflakes, tumbling in all directions as the wind gusted back and forth.
“Looks like you might get snowed in with me for the weekend,” Sebastian commented as he came up behind me. I jumped slightly at the sound of his voice, wondering how he’d managed to sneak up on me with his limp.
“That wouldn’t be so bad,” I said with a smile. He slipped his arms around my waist and I leant back against him. “What did the Jensons have to say?” I was glad I had my back to him still, knowing my face would give me away.
“Oh, not much,” he answered just as casually as me. “They’re mostly worried that the trouble I didn’t want before will catch up to me now. It’s nothing to worry about though,” he assured me. I was surprised at how little he was revealing though I suspected he just didn’t want to worry me.
“Sebastian, are you certain this is what you want?” I asked, anxiously.
“Obviously it is,” he answered. Even with my back to him, I could almost feel his eyes rolling at me. I spun around in his arms so that I could see his face.
“It feels like you’re sacrificing so much…”
“That’s where you’ve got it all wrong,” he argued. “From my perspective, I’m sacrificing nothing. I’m getting everything I’ve ever wanted. We should be celebrating!” He kissed the tip of my nose, smiling down at me. I slowly smiled back, unable to resist his charm.
“You’ll never really be normal,” I told him seriously. “You’re much too weird.” He grinned back at me.
“Good thing you like weird.”
“I love it,” I agreed. And then we celebrated in the best way I could possibly imagine. Our kisses that started out tender and sweet soon became fierce and wild, the desperate need between us growing as I became lost in oblivion in Sebastian’s arms while outside the softly falling snow endlessly tumbled from the sky.
Sebastian ended up being right. I was snowed in with him for the weekend and most of the next week while all the schools in Victoria were closed due to the heavy snowfall. The Jensons phoned Craigflower and my father to let them know I was stuck at their house and that they’d be taking care of me until the snows cleared. Surprisingly, no one objected to this arrangement. Sebastian was thrilled to be able to get what he wanted in the ‘normal’ way. He insisted that life was not going to be as different or as challenging as we all had feared.
Being around Sebastian, I couldn’t help but feel optimistic. He seemed so genuinely happy, so thrilled with his normal life, that it was hard not to get caught up in his enthusiasm. Everyday tasks and events fascinated him. He began shaving twice a day, delighted with this evidence of his physical aging. He laughed when he stubbed his toe, he grinned when he burnt his tongue on his coffee, he chuckled when he lost his wallet in his room. Though he enjoyed many of the minor daily mishaps that occurred, he was often left perplexed by other negative events that he couldn’t remember ever experiencing. He became panicked one night when he couldn’t fall asleep, and he was completely unnerved when the snow began melting long before he wanted it to. His moods alternated between joyful over-enthusiasm and nervous unease. I couldn’t help but wonder and worry over which emotion would win out. He assured me that he just needed some time to adjust, confident that returning to school and a regular routine would help. I wasn’t so sure.
Mr. Jenson kindly drove Sebastian and I to school when it reopened the following Thursday. We were both in unusually silent and grumpy moods as we approached Craigflower’s main gates, snow banks piled high to either side of the school’s long driveway. Sebastian was still irritated by the fact that Mr. Jenson had forbidden him to drive this morning, making the valid point that Sebastian didn’t have a driver’s license or any form of identification. I idly wondered if Sebastian would pout like this every time one of his wants was left unfulfilled; I sincerely hoped not. I was in a foul mood because after nearly a week of staying with Sebastian and avoiding school and the rest of the world, I had absolutely no desire to return to reality.
Our first day back at school did not go well (to say the least). Sebastian struggled to get through his day as a ‘normal’ student would. He was constantly getting in trouble – for talking in class, for not doing his homework and he was nearly sent home for how he wore his school uniform (studded belt, wallet chain, no tie) but somehow managed to talk his way out of it. And it wasn’t just the school staff who were suddenly paying more notice to Sebastian, our classmates and peers were obviously more aware of him too and that wasn’t necessarily a good thing. Sebastian did appear to be vaguely amused by some of the younger girls who batted their eyelashes at him and suddenly found reasons to speak with him or brush against him in the hallway (honestly it amused me a little too) but the reaction of the rest of the school was nowhere near as entertaining. Sebastian was suddenly the target of many dirty looks and sneers; the jocks pushed him in the hallway, someone threw a juice box at the back of his head at lunchtime and taunts of “freak” and “loser” seemed to follow us wherever we went. Sebastian did not handle it well. His annoyance and irritation slowly grew into a smoldering rage. He tried to fight it, he tried to hide it from me but I could see it burning in his eyes along with the faintest shadow of doubt, a glimmer of regret. My heart ached for him but I’d known this would happen, part of me had expected it.
Sebastian’s frustration seemed to reach its peak when he realized that he would have to say goodbye to me for the night at my dormitory building’s door. The fact that I would have to fall asleep alone seemed to greatly offend him.
“It’s alright, Sebastian, I don’t mind,” I tried to reassure him.
“I do.” His forehead was creased into a frown, his brows pulled down into a scowl. I lightly touched his face.
“You’re going to give yourself wrinkles,” I teased. I watched him struggle to erase his frown, he’d worn it nearly all day. For someone who’d only aged by a week, he certainly looked years older. His body wasn’t used to the stress and frustration he had been exposed to lately and amazingly it was already taking a toll. I sighed, feeling a mirroring frown settle into my features.
“Don’t worry about me, Gracelynn. It’ll get easier,” Sebastian comforted me. His frown vanished then as he took me into his arms, lightly kissing my forehead and cheeks. “Tomorrow will be better, I know it.”
Sebastian managed to be both right and wrong. The next day was a little easier for him; he remembered not to speak in class and put forth more effort to please our teachers. He avoided the jocks in the hallway and we ate lunch in the corner of the cafeteria, as far from the popular table as possible. He avoided trouble fairly well whe
n he tried, but I could tell the effort was taking a toll on him – it injured his pride, it hurt his soul. He was hundreds of years older than everyone around him, infinitely more experienced and wise. He had seen and done things many of us would only ever dream of. And yet here he was, forced to raise his hand to ask if he may use the bathroom, unable to look his peers in the eye to avoid trouble, sitting with his back against the wall. It was breaking him, I knew it and I could hardly bear to watch. I knew exactly what he meant now when he had said that my pain was harder to bear than his own.
The worst part of it all was that I was having to try very hard too; nothing was easy for either of us anymore. I’d had no idea just how much Sebastian’s wants had been influencing my life. I’d grown so used to his wants protecting me that I hadn’t even realized how reliant I was on his ability. Suddenly I was getting in trouble in class too; and I was suddenly the target of a lot of unwanted attention. I’d had no idea that Sebastian hadn’t wanted my male classmates to notice me in that way but it quickly became obvious that they did again. I was constantly being approached by boys who shamelessly flirted with me in front of Sebastian, rudely ignoring his presence. Neither of us found this to be amusing in the slightest. Clarke was the worst of all – he was suddenly everywhere. He was friendly enough but he flirted and leered whenever Sebastian turned away and made very thinly veiled insults towards Sebastian too. He was constantly hinting that I would be better off without Sebastian, that I should reconsider our ‘friendship’. Coward that he was he never came directly out and said what he meant but perhaps he thought he was just being polite.
I also discovered that the reason for my mother’s silence towards me was another result of Sebastian’s influence. I hadn’t realized he’d been protecting me from her, not wanting her to upset me. Now that his wants no longer mattered (at least not in the same way) my mother was constantly phoning me, insisting that I come to dinner with her at the Simons’, demanding that I end my relationship with Sebastian, blaming me for her split with my father and expecting me to apologize and move back in with her. She even sent Walter to Craigflower a couple times, to check in on me, I supposed. Twice now I’d glimpsed him, watching me secretively from a distance with dark and narrowed eyes.
I tried my best to screen my phone calls, to avoid my mother and Walter, and to hide from Sebastian how stressful and upsetting my life had become, and the effort cost me too. I felt like I barely slept anymore, unable to fall asleep alone and kept awake by my concerns and fears. I soon had dark circles under my eyes and new lines on my face. My haggard appearance didn’t even have the benefit of deterring my admirers, particularly Clarke who became concerned and even more positive that Sebastian was bad for me. Nothing seemed to be going right anymore.
After two weeks of near constant misery, I decided it was time to speak to Sebastian. We were sitting in our usual corner of the empty school cafeteria, supposedly studying as it was after school hours. I looked across the table at him, examining the deep frown lines in his forehead, the weariness in his eyes. I knew he wasn’t happy either; he couldn’t possible want this still. It was time to change, to go back to the way we had been. We’d just have to find another way to be together but this, obviously, wasn’t working. To my surprise though, Sebastian was in complete denial.
“It’ll be fine, Gracelynn, we just need to give it more time,” Sebastian stubbornly insisted. “This is what I want, what I’ve dreamt of for centuries. No one said it would be easy.”
“But you’re not happy,” I argued. I could see the denial already forming on his lips. I decided to change my strategy. “I’m not happy,” I admitted quietly. I knew it would hurt him for me to say this but I couldn’t help but remember the conversation I’d overheard in the Jensons’ living room. He had said if it didn’t work, if I wasn’t happy, he’d go back to the way he was.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his eyes full of anguish as he reached across the table for my hand. The pain in his voice sent guilt stabbing into my heart. I immediately regretted my words. “It’ll get better,” he repeated. “I really want this to work, Gracelynn.”
“But what you want doesn’t matter anymore,” I pointed out sadly.
“It always matters.” We held each others hands in silence, our thoughts ripping us in different directions. “You know what we need? A distraction. It’s past time we start focusing on the positives of our situation. We’re together, I can cause us no more problems from wanting the wrong thing, I’m not aging so I can stay in Victoria with you for years if you want – we can even grow old together.” He smiled as he spoke, his voice taking on a wistful quality.
“You can have your first birthday party in over four hundred years,” I added, unable to resist his lighter tone. “But maybe we’ll only put nineteen candles on the cake.”
“That’s actually not a bad idea,” Sebastian agreed thoughtfully. “It’s just what we need; a distraction, something to celebrate the positive changes. Maybe hosting a party will improve my popularity too,” he added. His familiar cheeky grin had suddenly returned, dimples and all.
“Seriously? You want to throw yourself a birthday party?”
“I do. I’ve missed celebrating the miracle that is me.” His smile had reached his eyes now, his good humor infectious. “Besides, it’s the first time I can remember that I’m not afraid to make friends – I can let anyone I want be close to me now without fearing for the consequences. And since I’ve chosen to live as a normal teenager, I might as well start acting like one. Throwing myself a birthday party seems like a typical teenaged thing to do – wouldn’t you agree?”
I smiled wryly, ignoring his question. “I don’t suppose you’ve remembered your date of birth in one of your dreams?”
“No, actually since I… changed, I haven’t had any more dreams, only the normal kind anyway. Looks like I won’t be remembering any more but that’s fine by me. Let’s leave the past in the past and look forward to the future. And in the meantime, let’s celebrate in the now.”
“You’ve stopped remembering? What?” A fresh wave of guilt hit me as I realized just how very much he’d given up for me.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Sebastian’s tone was dismissive but firm. “I do want to talk about my birthday party. I think I’ve decided to turn nineteen this Saturday – February 26th seems as good a birth date as any. Do you have any plans?” He grinned at me, as happy as can be once more. I sighed, knowing even without his ability, it was pointless not to give him what he wanted.
“What’s Mrs. Jenson’s phone number?”
“Why?” Sebastian looked equally amused and confused by my resigned tone.
“Because you can’t very well plan your own birthday party and I’m going to need her help and her permission before I arrange to throw a party for you at her house.” Sebastian’s grin widened.
“Why don’t you talk to her now,” he suggested. His eyes twinkled with excitement as he handed me my phone, Mrs. Jenson’s number already dialed. He laughed when I rolled my eyes.
Sebastian’s birthday party was a fairly informal affair. I invited a few key people and then let the word spread around school. Though most people hadn’t noticed Sebastian until recently, and most of them still thought he was some kind of strange loner, nobody could turn down the opportunity for a good party. The Jensons were surprisingly enthusiastic about the idea and were generous enough to rent a good sound system and help me pay for decorations and food. They didn’t seem to mind at all that their house was going to be invaded by close to a hundred teenagers, insisting that we enjoy ourselves. I even managed to get permission from Lisa to stay at the Jensons’ for the weekend. Everything was going so smoothly, I almost wondered if Sebastian had secretly gotten his ability back; of course that was ridiculous. He’d never be able to hide such an immense secret from me.
The party went off perfectly. Even I had to admit it had been a good idea after all. Almost everyone in our senior class was there; the
only ones missing were Clarke and his friends, which to be honest, no one really missed at all. A few people from one of the local public schools even showed up, lurking around outside as they hoped to be let in. Everyone was having a great time, a crowd naturally flocking to Sebastian. Once people gave him a chance, his undeniable charm and charisma were impossible to resist. His joke about the party improving his social standing at school turned out to be surprisingly and insightfully true.
I crossed the crowded living room floor, weaving my way between the tightly pressed, dancing bodies. People called out to me as I passed, shouting over the music, smiling and trying to entice me to dance. I smiled back politely but didn’t stop. I felt like I’d barely seen Sebastian all night. He was constantly surrounded by a crowd of people, for once enjoying having the spotlight on himself. My company had been equally sought after. Apparently hosting such a successful party was enough for my peers to forgive my bizarre and anti-social behavior of late. I supposed it also helped that they were finally accepting Sebastian. I was proud that most of my classmates now understood what I saw in him; how interesting and compellingly attractive he really was.
Just then the birthday boy himself looked up and met my gaze. Though I was still halfway across the room from him, my heart instantly accelerated, goose bumps rising on my arms. He smiled at me, his adorable, irresistible, dimpled smile that was meant for only me and I suddenly found myself struggling not to push and shove the rest of my way over to him.
He looked even more amazing than usual tonight. He wore black pants and a dark gray, button-up shirt with a black vest left open over top. He’d left the top button of his shirt undone and surprisingly had rolled up his shirt sleeves halfway up his forearms, exposing the last few inches of his tattoo. He was freshly shaven, his recently grown, short sideburns trimmed and shaped immaculately. And his hair, which he was too excited about its growth to cut, was styled in longer, messy, black spikes. His eyes were still locked on mine as I reached his side. Since he’d caught sight of me, he’d been completely ignoring everyone else, all his attention on me.
