by Suzi Davis
“They’re ready to move Sebastian out of recovery and into a room soon, I think,” she told me reassuringly. “He’s been treated for hypothermia and bronchitis which he was apparently suffering from also. They’ll keep him in a drug induced coma for several days until some of the swelling around his brain goes down, then they’ll try and wake him up.” I picked up on the key word at once, noticing the redness in her eyes, the tight lines across her plain, gentle face.
“Try?” I whispered.
“They’re not certain as to the extent of trauma to his brain. Grace… there’s a chance when he wakes up that he might not… be himself. He could have more memory loss, he could have trouble speaking or even moving. There’s a chance he may not even wake up at all,” she warned me, her voice breaking at the end. I could tell that it didn’t matter right then to Mrs. Jenson that Sebastian was four hundred years her senior, that he had seen and experienced more than she ever would in her own lifetime; in that moment, I could see that Mrs. Jenson saw Sebastian as a teenaged boy, as her foster son. My heart broke along with hers.
“He’ll be okay,” I told her, trying to sound confident. “I know he’ll wake up; he has to.” She sadly shook her head.
“Grace, we’ve got to face the truth. He may not wake up, this could… this could be the end for Sebastian.” Her dull brown eyes filled with tears as she spoke. I felt my own eyes automatically tearing up. I refused to accept her words. A world without Sebastian didn’t seem possible, it wasn’t an option for me.
“Even if he does wake up, even if he is okay, there’s still going to be trouble, Grace,” she continued, dabbing at her eyes as she spoke. “The police are asking questions now – everyone is. They’re not satisfied with our answers, there’s going to be a full investigation into Sebastian and ourselves. I think they suspect he’s an illegal immigrant or even a kidnapped child. There’s going to be trouble for us all.” The fear and stress in sweet, gentle Mrs. Jenson’s eyes were too much for me to bear. The decision that had been hovering on the edge of my conscious thoughts all day finally clicked into place. I had no other option; I had to end this.
“You have to get me in to see Sebastian again.” I spoke with a quiet strength. Mrs. Jenson looked at me sharply, hearing the change in my voice.
“I’m sorry Grace but they won’t even let me in there to see him – you were only let in this morning accidentally. That policeman should never have allowed you to. You’ll just have to wait…”
“I have to see him now.” My voice was hard and urgent, the newfound intensity adding power to my words. “I can fix this – but it has to be now.” She considered me a moment longer; she looked exhausted and worried, and resigned. I met her gaze levelly as I tried to will her to understand. Something changed in her eyes as she looked at me. She slowly nodded.
“You’ll have to sneak in and I can’t promise you much time. Go now – I’ll make certain no one’s watching,” she instructed in a slightly lower voice. I nodded squeezing her hand quickly in thanks, I couldn’t quite manage a smile.
Mrs. Jenson quickly stood and marched down the hall away from me, a determined look on her face. With her decision made, she wasted no time in carrying out her plan. Just as she neared Mr. Jenson and the officers questioning him, she suddenly collapsed, hitting the shiny, hard floor with a loud smack. I flinched at the sound but didn’t hesitate, knowing that this was my cue. As doctors and nurses rushed to her side, I quickly spun and slipped into Sebastian’s room, hurrying to his bedside.
I took a second for myself, to calm and collect my thoughts, to mentally prepare for what I was about to do. I took a slow, deep breath, studying his bruised and distorted face as I inhaled, my fingers reaching for his as I let my breath out in a sigh. I had to do this, and now.
“Sebastian,” I began, my voice quiet but strong. “I know you can hear me, I know that you know I’m here.” I didn’t take my eyes off his face for even a second as I spoke. “It’s over, Sebastian. You’re… you’re going to die and I’m sorry but I can’t let that happen because if you die, I’ll die too. I can’t imagine living through that – I won’t.” My breath caught in my chest as his lips faintly twitched, the beeping on his heart monitor began slowly increasing. I forced myself to stay calm and continue with what I had to do.
“I love you and I’m so sorry that it has to end. But what choice do we have? We either die together too soon, or we both live out our full lives… but apart,” my voice tried to break as I said the last word. I watched, my heart pounding desperately as Sebastian’s lips struggled to move, a faint gurgling sound coming from his throat. His heart monitor was now beeping wildly, I knew the nurses would be in to check on him any minute; I was running out of time.
“I’m so sorry,” I repeated, bending down to lightly kiss his fingertips. Tears ran down my nose, dripping onto his fingers, soaking into his bed sheets. His finger twitched noticeably as a warm teardrop hit it. “Forgive me,” I breathed against the back of his cut and bruised hand. “We can’t be together – we both know it won’t work. I’m not happy.” A miserable sob broke through my lips, emphasizing my words. Sebastian’s whole hand twitched at the sound, a weak groan escaping his throat. “I don’t… I don’t want you this way. I want you to get better, I want you to live, I want you to fix everything and I… I don’t want you to be normal. I don’t want the heartache, Sebastian – I don’t want to be with you anymore, it’s over.”
“Miss – you can’t be in here!” a nurse chastised as she stepped into the room. Her eyes went wide as she heard Sebastian’s racing heart monitor. She dashed forward, hitting the page button on the wall. I could already hear more footsteps running down the hall. “Out – now!” she yelled.
I began desperately tugging at the ring on my finger. It had always fit so perfectly as if it were made for me and I’d never before had any reason or need to take it off. Of course now that I wanted to, I couldn’t budge it an inch. My tears ceased as I was overwhelmed by sudden panic, my heart pounding in my ears. I tugged on the ring so hard it hurt but I just couldn’t seem to get it over my knuckle. My memory flashed back to the conversation I’d overheard between Sebastian and the Jensons. He’d said he would only regain his ability if it was what I truly wanted, if I could take off the ring. Maybe I was the selfish one after all; maybe I didn’t want to save him enough.
I felt a hand pulling on my shoulder, more people had entered the suddenly crowded room, their voices business-like but also urgent.
“You need to wait in the hall,” a new doctor instructed, steadily pulling me away from Sebastian’s bed. I distractedly let him guide me from the room, focusing all of my need, tugging with all my might, on the ring. I strained with the effort, nearly shaking from concentration. I could feel it slowly loosening, budging a tiny fraction of an inch at a time, until it suddenly gave way, smoothly sliding over my knuckle and off my finger.
“No – wait!” I cried. I clenched the ring in a tight fist, vainly struggling to reach Sebastian’s hand. “Wait!” I begged as the Doctor began towing me away.
“No, no, no.” The sound of Sebastian’s soft croaky voice made everyone freeze. His left arm tried to lift up off the bed, his eyes were still swollen shut but his head tossed feebly. I sensed the doctor’s stunned surprise and pushed my advantage, squirming free from his tight grip and lunging for Sebastian’s bedside, pushing a nurse out of my way. Hands immediately grabbed me, dragging me from the room but I just managed to slide the ring back onto Sebastian’s fourth finger before they pulled me away. I smiled in satisfaction and relief as I saw his left hand drop back down to his side, tightening into a fist as he squeezed the ring against his palm. I thought I may have heard him try to whisper my name through his parched and swollen lips as I was pulled from the room and firmly deposited into the hall.
The Jensons were already there, peering through the glass window into Sebastian’s room in alarm. Chaos was erupting within, the blinds were firmly pulled shut as the door was
practically slammed behind me.
“What’s going on?” Mr. Jenson asked, his face pale and drawn.
“Sebastian’s waking up,” I told him quietly. My hand stole up to tightly grasp the pendant around my neck. I sighed in relief at the lukewarm feel of it in my hand. “He’s going to be okay – everything will be okay,” I told the Jensons confidently. Mrs. Jenson’s eyes immediately went to my bare finger and her expression changed to one of understanding.
“I can’t stay here – he might try to give the ring back and I’m not sure what would happen…” I feebly explained. Miserable tears started streaming down my face once more but these tears were different, this sadness was bearable, this price was worth paying. “Please, try to make him understand why this is for the best. Tell him not to bother calling – he won’t change my mind, but… if you don’t mind discreetly contacting me in a few days and letting me know how he’s doing, just so I know that he’s okay…”
“Of course we will dear,” Mrs. Jenson assured me, her eyes sympathetic, her voice kind.
“Sebastian isn’t used to denying himself what he wants – it had to be you who decided, Grace. What you’re doing is for the best. It’s very noble of you, very brave. Thank you,” Mr. Jenson told me in his deep, gentle voice. He sounded very genuine, very grateful; it brought even more tears to my eyes. I couldn’t manage any more words, so I merely nodded. I struggled to bring my tears under control, to slow and steady my breathing so that I might speak.
“Tell him I’m sorry. Tell him I’ll always love him and – no, don’t say that. Just tell him I’m sorry.” My sadness pierced me through. The Jensons murmured that they would pass on my apology, kindly repeating their thanks and promising they would call to update me as soon as they could. I knew the news would be good, my amber necklace already glowed warm and steady. I had done all I could and now it was time for me to go home.
I lifted my hand to touch my fingertips against the cold glass that separated me from Sebastian. Though the blinds were still closed, I could sense his presence growing stronger with each passing second in the room beyond. My heart ached to be with him, but I now understood that it just wasn’t meant to be. Life could be so cruel.
“Goodbye,” I whispered, my hand limply falling from the glass. Tears streamed down my face but no more sobs escaped my lips as I calmly and peacefully walked away, leaving half my heart, half my soul, and all my happiness behind me.
Chapter Seventeen - Healing
The first night was awful; I had never before felt so empty, so totally alone. Lisa came into my room when she heard me crying. My sadness was so great that I didn’t turn her away. Surprisingly, her company soothed my aching heart a little. She sat silently beside me on my bed, gently rubbing my back while I sobbed and sobbed until finally my tears ran dry.
“Grace, I’m so sorry,” Lisa whispered. It was the first time that she had spoken. “I heard that Sebastian was attacked; that he wasn’t doing well…”
“It’s okay, he’s going to be okay,” I told her, my voice unusually rough from all the crying I’d done in the past twenty-four hours. “He was just waking up when I left the hospital.”
“Oh…” Lisa sounded confused and surprised. It was only because she didn’t press me with further questions that I decided to keep speaking.
“We broke up,” I explained. It was all I needed to say.
“Oh.” This time her voice was laden with understanding and sympathy. “I’m sorry, Grace. Sebastian was… unusual but I could see how happy he made you. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I’m sure once he’s recovered and back at school, you two will drift back together –”
“No,” I interrupted, my voice hard and flat. “We won’t.” This time Lisa was silent, probably unsure of what to say. “It’s late – I think I should get some sleep. Thank you, Lisa, for being here for me – I really needed a friend. I’m okay now. ” And it was true, I was. Though my heart still ached, it now felt as if it had bled dry. I would cry no more tears for Sebastian, I would waste no more time mourning a choice that I had willingly chosen to make.
“It is late,” Lisa agreed, hesitantly standing up. “If you need me again though, I’m just down the hall. It doesn’t matter what time it is, however early or late, I’ll be here.” Her kindness was enough that it brought a small smile to my lips. It was a bare shadow of my former smiles and laughter but it was more than I had expected myself capable of this soon.
“Thanks, Lisa. Good night.”
“Good night, Grace.” She walked out of my room, quietly closing the door behind her.
I still wore the t-shirt and sweat pants I had slept in the night before – I’d been in them all day. I didn’t bother putting on fresh pajamas, just turned off the light and crawled into my bed. The darkness was soothing; it matched the empty, bleak feeling inside of me. There was no moonlight coming through the window tonight and my room was pitch black. I fell asleep, wondering if my eyes were still open or closed.
I was excused from class the following day; the whole school had heard about the vicious attack on Sebastian and could only guess at the mental and emotional trauma I was suffering. Most people probably expected me to spend the day at the hospital, waiting diligently and devotedly by Sebastian’s side. Instead, I stayed in my room, avoiding the outside world all day. Lisa seemed to understand. She came and checked in on me at lunch, bringing me food and encouraging me to go outside, to get some fresh air. I politely declined.
I did not spend my day in bed as much as I wanted to. It would have been all too easy to curl up under the warm blankets, to bury my head in my pillows and lose myself in unconscious dreams. There were matters that needed to be taken care of though, lose ends I must tie up before I could move on. The idea of ‘moving on’ seemed ridiculous to me, pointless. What would I be moving on to? I had left my whole life, my whole world behind me. But I knew I must go on, move forward, I just didn’t know how yet or even what that phrase might mean.
I took a long hot shower and dressed in fresh, clean clothes; making me feel surprisingly better. After my shower, I opened the curtains to let the dull gray light into my room. There was a steady drizzle falling outside; not the torrential, endless rains of winter but the lighter, fresher rains of spring. The seasons were changing, everything was growing and adapting, moving onward and forward in the endless cycle of life.
I made my bed and then sat cross-legged in its center, closing my eyes to help focus my thoughts. I became aware of the warm feel of my amber necklace against my skin. I felt no guilt over not returning it to Sebastian; he had said himself that it was meant to belong to me. Besides, it was one last, small connection that I could have to him, other than my precious memories which I would always treasure.
Almost of its own accord, my hand crept up to the warm pendant as I thought of it, my fingers automatically wrapping around its smooth teardrop shape and gently squeezing it in my palm. I instantly felt more relaxed, my thoughts and emotions more centered. The numb sadness within me faded slightly as I focused on what I must do next.
Clarke. Sebastian would remember who had hurt him and would want his revenge. He deserved his revenge too – I wasn’t about to take that away from him. No matter what Sebastian wanted to happen to Clarke and the others, I knew that it could be no worse than what they deserved. But first, I needed to speak to Clarke myself, to look into his eyes and ask him why he had done this, to try to understand how or why he could ever be so cruel. And to offer him one last chance for forgiveness before he felt the full fury, the deadly consequences of his brash and hateful actions.
There was another problem I needed to consider also; my mother, and Walter. I could only assume Sebastian would want to know all the details of his attack – then he would quickly and easily discover their involvement. I had disowned my mother, it was quite likely that I would never speak to her again, but did I want her to be spared? Sebastian deserved his justice but could I allow my mother to face the full force of hi
s anger? Should my last daughterly gesture to her be in the sparing of her life? I was undecided.
And then there was the problem of Sebastian himself. I loved him so much it physically hurt. My heart ached for him, my soul was torn in two over leaving him, my body trembled and itched to return to his side, but I could not. I understood now that it would never work between us. We would make each other miserable, alternately sacrificing who we were to be the other’s match. He would give up his long life-span and his amazing abilities, I would give up my friends, my family, my ability to age. We could never be truly happy together because we simply weren’t meant to be, we never were. Loving each other the crazy way we did, wanting to be together more than anything else – it still wasn’t enough, it would never be enough.
As certain as I was of the truth, I also realized that Sebastian must know it too. I prayed that he would understand, that he would come to accept it as I had. Though part of me desperately wanted him to come to me, to fight for me, I knew it was for the best that he didn’t. I hoped he wouldn’t though my heart still grieved over the loss.
I wondered what Sebastian would do now, if he would return to school or if he would simply move on. It would probably be better, easier for us both if he just left quietly and quickly. I wasn’t certain that I had the strength to face him again, that I could be brave enough to say goodbye twice. Even though I knew it would be better, my heart still broke wide open all over again at the prospect of him simply disappearing without another word.
After spending most of the day sitting in my room, contemplating and meditating on my life and the problems that I faced, I decided it was time to do what I could. My body itched for action, my heart demanded it. I was ready to face Clarke; I knew what I had to say, what I wanted to, and I knew I needed to do it soon.
I dialed his phone number confidently, fearlessly. I had lost everything, what was there left that I need fear be taken from me? It was empowering and depressing all at once.
