The Dastardly Mr Winkle Meets His Match

by Rufus Offor

  “Shit, I hate the religious ones. There’re too many people to piss off when it comes to messing with churches.”

  “The thing is that, as I’ve said before, the Priory Of Sion seems to have appeared around about the same time as Jesus’ supposed real death; in fact, the very same year if this map is to be believed. By the looks of things, using the map and cross referencing it with a number of other documents, the evidence suggests that Jesus died on the twelfth of September in ninety three AD. The POS emerged slowly over the coming months.”

  “Bollocks.” said Shoop under his breath, “I bet we get those mad catholic knight orders after us again. We barely got away last time, those people are brutal.”

  “That’s not all, there’s reference here to an organisation called the Order Of The Green Man.”

  “What’s that got to do with anything?” asked Shoop.

  “It looks like they’ve been around for a lot longer than the POS. There’s photos somewhere in this mess that have paintings of the green man encased in the same triangular design that was on Bunty’s belt. So basically, we’re talking about the possibility that this organisation could’ve been around since mankind was painting pictures on cave walls.”

  “Is this the same green man from Celtic myth?” enquired Shoop.

  “The very same, but it’s bigger than the Celts alone. Every culture, every religion has had a version of him since man-kind crawled out of the primordial ooze. From the books and articles strewn about in here we’ve managed to ascertain that there was never a time when the Order Of The Green Man didn’t exist. He’s been nestled under the fabric of mankind’s subconscious forever, sometimes in plain view. The only reason we’re even vaguely aware of him is because of this map. Without it he would’ve stayed invisible. Once we got an inkling of the codes and ciphers, we began to see that he runs through absolutely everything in this room. Every single item holds a little of his past. We are basically sitting in the middle of a huge book. This stuff must have taken centuries, possibly millennia to put together and we haven’t even scraped the surface of it all.”

  “Looks like my sixth sense may have been right then!” said Shoop. “So what does it all mean?”

  “To be honest, we’re not really sure. We’ve got a bit of the picture, but we still don’t really know much. I didn’t want to come to you until we had something really solid to go on. It’s all very much in the early stages; we could be here for months, possibly years. With every little piece of the puzzle that we find, the picture gets ever bigger and bigger. It’s quite frustrating really. But I suppose if we were going to get you lot moving, we could start with the map.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “As I’ve said, the map shows something jumping about all over the world. It’s not all completely clear yet, but it appears that the POS have been guarding and moving something called the vessel from location to location for two thousand years.”

  “The Vessel?….” Shoop pondered for a moment, trying to make his brain complete a connection somewhere deep inside it. Then it came to him in a flash, “Shit George, we’re not talking about the Grail quest here are we?”

  “It certainly seems like a plausible enough hypothesis.”

  “Oh for Christ’s sake, this is all getting just a tad too bloody far fetched!”

  “Shoop, we’re sitting near a crash site for a UFO, following a lead that we got after you blew up a vampire with a grenade. Far fetched is something I’d have thought you’d be used to by now.”

  “Smart arse!” spat Shoop.

  “As I was saying,” continued George, “and stay with me here because you may like this bit, we’ve broken the code enough to know that this Vessel thingy has been dragged all over the world by the POS, there’s quite a lot of holes in it’s journey, but the places that we know it’s been have changed permanently after it’s visit.”

  “What do you mean?” asked Shoop.

  “Well, we found somewhere that was a pitiful down-trodden hovel of a place. It had been run by barbarians and Saracens for centuries, and not the good types of barbarians and Saracens either, the warmongers and pirates. It was dark and corrupt. Then the Vessel gets there in the eleventh century and things take a turn for the better. The place became affluent, even enlightened. It was an extreme change in very little time and the place has never been the same since. It lost a lot of its enlightenment, but it’s affluence stayed put. We know it now as Monte-Carlo.”

  “Blimey!” said Shoop

  “Quite, and it’s the same for a number of other places too. We’ve still got a lot of locations to figure out though. We seem to have reached a brick wall, the code changes after a while and we can’t follow it.”

  “This might interest you as well,” George went on, “another location that housed the Vessel was the south west of England around 455AD, which is pretty much exactly the same time as King Arthur, or Ambrosius Artorius as he was known, is supposed to have come into power, which ties in with the Grail quest theory, but as I’ve said, the work we have yet to do is immense.”

  “Maybe we should just stick to the Priory Of Sion for now. It seems to me that we should be trying to find out as much as we can about them, but most importantly, how do we get our hands on this Vessel thing? Sounds like it could make life a lot more enjoyable for us.”

  “The last place I believe it to be shown is in Singapore, but until we find the cipher for the new codes I can’t be sure of where it went after that.”

  “When was it in Singapore?” asked Shoop.

  “Around the late eighteen hundreds.”

  “Right, that’s it, if it was there only a few hundred years ago there might be traces of it. I can’t have the boys sitting around idle any more, they’ll kill each other. Me and the boys are going to Singapore to do a bit of field work.”

  “Sounds sensible I suppose, the code that Dr Komodo and I are trying to crack may take us months.” Said George

  “I’m going to have to take Komodo with me, you’ll be on your own, but before we go, you’re going to have to knock up a bunch of fake passports and visa’s for us all.”

  “Right you are, but I’ll need someone here with me as security.”

  “We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, maybe I’ll get you a bodyguard or something, but only if and when you need to get out of this bunker. You’ll be safe here until then.”

  Shoop breathed in deeply as if trying to subdue some inner turmoil. His mouth was down-turned and his nostrils flared, after a moment he spoke. “My senses are on over-drive, I’ll have to try and keep them under control, but it feels like I’ve just made the right decision.”

  Shoop left George alone to start work on the counterfeit documentation while he told the independents to get ready to leave the bunker. His sixth sense vibrating like workman with a pneumatic drill.

  Chapter 12

  Shoop TV

  Jill was lying on her back in two inches of snow making snow angels. Mike lightly crunched his way through the undisturbed blanket of white in his sandals, loving the feel of the chill on his toes. He was smiling, but then he always was. Jill looked ecstatic lying there, moving her arms and legs up and down and letting the snowflakes melt on her forehead as they floated down from the thick clouds overhead. She noticed Mike.

  “Look,” she said, “I’m being ironic.”

  “I don’t get it!” said Mike.

  “I’m making an angel!” she squealed with laughter.

  “Jill, you’re terrible!” said Mike suppressing an outright laughing fit by clamping his hand over his mouth.

  “I know, but I made you laugh.”

  They both laughed at the irony of the creator of the Earth pretending to be god’s workman. For a bit of a giggle, Mike pretended to be God for a while and ordered Jill around and gave her some Hail Mary’s to do. Mike ordered Jill to create something new. They had just managed to create a new species of winter flower that blossomed pinks and purples, which looked fabulou
s against the white landscape when Mike remembered what he’d come to see her about in the first place.

  “Oh, I came down to tell you something, Ben’s here.”

  “Oh good, how’s he doing.”

  “Good yeah, he’s quite excited about what’s going on. It seems that Shoop is operating outside of the Sphere’s influence. He’s out on his own and is trying to hide from the Sphere as Ben’s brother, the Boss, wants Shoop dead.” said Mike, starting to feel the chill of the snow on his feet.

  “Yeah I know, the map should point them in the direction of Singapore first, the first level of codes that run through the map should be easier than the second, and if I’m not mistaken, holding up in that bunker will prove to be a little difficult for that lot. I reckon that they’ll be moving within the next few days, Shoop will want to get his men out of the bunker as soon as he can and will want something more interesting to do than stare at concrete walls.”

  Mike started to shiver a little.

  “Come on, lets go and see Ben, we’ll get you out of the cold for a little while.” Said Jill.

  They trudged through the snow happily. They were in a small courtyard that was surrounded on three sides by the castle walls; the fourth housed a low turreted stone barrier and dropped off on the other side down a steep hill into the landscaped gardens bellow. The gardens had been sparse because of the winter weather but were now pockmarked with the brand new winter blossom they’d just invented. Before they walked through the door into the building they stopped, turned back and took in the majesty of the gardens stretching out toward Loch Dunvegan and the barren moor land hills beyond.

  “I never quite get used to it all you know, but then I don’t think I’d want to.” said Jill wistfully.

  “I can imagine,” said Mike, “you must have put a lot of work in!”

  “No not really, I had a lot of time to do it all in. Nice though isn’t it.”

  “My favourite’s the grand canyon man, just stupendously big.” Said Mike

  “Yeah, I like that one too, but not as much as Africa, but then that’s where it all started. Anyway, shall we?”

  “Why not.”

  The tiny little black woman took hold of Mike’s big strong arm and they ventured inside to meet Ben and have a nice hot cup of tea.

  They walked through ancient corridors and stairways and made their way up to the main study where Jill liked to spend most of her time when she wasn’t playing squash or making snow angels.

  They turned the corner into the study and found Ben sitting there. Jill ran up and gave him a huge hug while Mike put the kettle on.

  “So good to see you again, “ said Jill, “How are things in Fife?”

  “Good yeah, we had a bit of trouble recently as you probably know but other than that fine and dandy.”

  “Oh yeah, how is Willie and his gun-shot wound?

  “Nicely healing, nothing to be worried about there. He’s met a girl too, nice lass, she’s a nurse that lives near the house, she took pity on him and they’ve been inseparable since.”

  “Oh that is nice, just like Willie though, he always had a talent for making a bad situation into a good one.’

  “Yeah,” said Ben with a little chuckle remembering the time that Willie had inadvertently been confronted by some football hooligans, only to have them take him on a pub crawl and had managed to rustle up VIP tickets to a big match for him and his new found friends. Willie, during the course of it all, had talked to the men in such a way that they all saw the error of their violent ways. Shortly after the encounter the hooligans had set up an initiative that taught underprivileged kids football skills in a local community centre.

  “So,” said Ben, “my brothers’ acting up again is he?”

  Ben had had a difficult childhood. He had been the victim of a very vicious brother who’d mentally tortured and sometimes physically beaten the entire family in their sleep. He also managed to have their neighbour, old man Hooper, jailed for interfering with young boys. Ben had run away as soon as he was legally allowed to work. He didn’t want to leave his parents with his younger brother but they had insisted over the course of a number of years and he’d eventually given in. His parents were well off and they gave Ben half of their wealth and sent him off into the world with a new identity to make his mark. It was a sad parting. He knew that his parents wouldn’t be able to last much longer in the company of his evil sibling but his parents had reasoned that it was Ben’s job to go out into the world and do good. It would put balance back into the universe if the brothers developed into total polar opposites. Ben had always wanted to go to Africa and do charity work. By the time he was twenty-three he’d spend all his time making the world a better place but had run out of money. He was sleeping on the streets, homeless, destitute and miserable. Then he met a tiny little black lady called Jill.

  Jill had been looking for him for many years but, even with her uncanny gift for knowing things, had been denied her quarry for a long time. She had known of Ben and his brother, now known simply as the Boss, since their conception. Her friends didn’t know why, and she never said, but she’d shown a great deal of interest in them from day one.

  Once she’d found him, she happily invited him into her fold and he accepted. He had been doing well ever since.

  “I’m afraid you’re brother may find out who and where I am before long.” Said Jill

  Ben was struck dumb. A look of absolute terror slashed its way across his face. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Trevor, The Boss, had been the only thing in the world that Ben was scared of. He couldn’t bear for him to have anything to do with Jill; it was just inconceivable. If the Boss found out about the Priory Of Sion and it’s work, it’d all come to a crashing halt. They would be demolished and demonised. The Boss would make sure that every government; every religious organisation and every hate group in the world would find out about the Sion and label them evil. They would be hunted down and destroyed, the only way to survive would be to vanish and change, to go underground and find a new name for itself. Even then the Boss would probably find them. For some reason Jill wanted to make sure that the organisation was constantly traceable, albeit through a series of complex clues and ciphered maps. She never explained why, and nobody ever questioned, but there were clues, codes and signs all over the world that pointed straight at her. Only the initiated could read the signs and trace them but anyone who learned of these things and took the time to investigate thoroughly enough would be able to pick up the trail.

  “How could this happen, has he got the map?” Ben was standing now, gesturing wildly with tears of pure fear trickling down his cheeks, “what are we going to do, he’ll find you, he’ll destroy you, there’ll be nowhere for us to go!”

  Jill sat silently and Mike followed her lead. She waited for Ben’s panic to subside a little before she locked eyes with him. The kindness, humility and eternal patience of her expression instantly calmed Ben, but he remained fearful.

  “What are we going to do? How did this happen? I thought you’d been careful, you never really said that you had, but I thought you’d know that you had to be. You have to be careful Jill.” He looked at her. Her eyes calmed him a little more. Then she spoke.

  “I’m sure it’ll all turn out fine.” was all she said, it didn’t instantly do its job. Ben still looked quite distressed and the answer didn’t seem to appease him. Jill let it slide into his mind though and waited, gazing into him. Eventually, through the depth of ages in her eyes he believed her.

  Mike brought the tea over and, after a few sips and some more calming gazes aimed at Ben, she began telling him about Mr Winkle, of how he had found the vault, how he’d taken the map and how he was under the radar of the Sphere Of Influence, but not under Jill’s. She also said that if Shoop managed to find her, then the Sphere wouldn’t be far behind him.

  “I’ve been around for quite a long time Ben, I know what I’m doing, whether destruction or salvation await, I’m sure
it’s all going to be quite alright.”

  The ages that sat on Jill put things in perspective, her voice seemed to resonate with the wisdom of far off times and places, it had a billion years of calm floating inside it. It brought Ben down from his panic almost completely.

  Before long Mike was telling Ben about the snow angel, the fun they’d had playing twister and many other things. It loosened Ben up quite nicely. He even started making jokes.

  All of a sudden Ben stopped dead in realisation with a look that screamed EUREKA stamped on his face.

  “What is it?” asked Mike.

  “Oh… hang on, just thought of something… oh that’s good!” said Ben to himself and started sniggering. “That’s great.” A huge smile took his mouth all the way up to either ear. He got up and rubbed his chin as he looked off into the ether of his imagination and paced up and down the room. He was visibly excited and his enthusiasm proved to be contagious, before long they were all bouncing up and down, clapping their hands like schoolgirls at the prospect of a boy band concert.

  “What is it man?” asked Mike again.

  “Yeah, come on man, don’t keep us hanging like this spit it out.” Said Jill.

  “Well, the thought occurs that we should maybe have a little fun while we can,” said Ben.

  “Ooh, fun is good, I like fun, fun tends to be funny, and I like funny things!” said Jill clasping her hands together in anticipation.

  “I thought, if Mr Winkle has a good chance of finding you, and if you’re not that bothered whether he does or not, well, I thought, maybe we could distract him a little.”

  “How do you mean?” asked Mike.

  “We could feed him clues!” Ben waited for the full impact of his statement to dig in. Jill started smiling a little broader. “We could lead him to different places. We could send him in lots of different directions. Mess with him a little. Send him to places that he’ll hate.”

  “Oh that’s good,” Jill was lost in her own imagination now. She was seeing him in all manner of unnecessarily beautiful places. She new that he loved misery and the thought of seeing him traipse through some of the politest, friendliest, places in the world filled her with joy. Then a thought occurred to her.