Flashman And The Tiger fp-11

by George MacDonald Fraser

  "What the deuce?" cries he, pulling free.

  "A touch fast, not much. You’ll do." In fact, I hadn’t found his pulse. "Seen the Prince, have you?"

  "So you’ve heard! Yes, I have seen his highness." He eyed me with profound dislike. "I suppose you too believe this filthy slander?"

  "Why should you think that?" says I, taking a chair.

  "Those other idiots do—Williams and Coventry! And the Prince! And when did you ever believe good of anyone?"

  "Not often, perhaps. But then, they don’t often deserve it. In your case, as it happens, I’m probably the only man in this house who is not convinced that you played foul."

  His sneer vanished in astonishment, and he took a pace forward, only to stop in sudden doubt. "You’re not? Why?" Leery of me, you see; many people are.

  "Because it makes no sense." I told him my reasons, which you know, and with every word his expression lightened until he was looking almost hopeful, in a frantic way.

  "Have you said this to the Prince? What did he say, in heaven’s name?"

  I shook my head. "Didn’t persuade him—or Coventry and Williams. Can’t blame ’em altogether, you know; the evidence is pretty strong, on the face of it. Five witnesses—"

  "Witnesses?" cries he. "Damned imbeciles! Two idiot women, a parcel of boys who know nothing—what’s their word worth?" Almost in an instant the cool Guardee was gone, and he was standing before me, fists clenched and eyes wild, voice shaking with fury. Strange how a man can show a calm front and a stiff lip when all the world’s agin him, but drop a sympathetic word and all the rage and indignation will come bubbling out, because he thinks he’s found a friend to confide in.

  "How can they believe it?" he stormed. "My God, Flashman, how can they? Men who’ve known me twenty years and more—trusted friends! As though I would … stoop to this … this damned infamy! And for what?" There were tears in his eyes, and if he’d stamped and torn his hair I’d not have been surprised. "For a few paltry pounds? By heaven, I’ll throw it back in their faces—"

  "Not if you’ve any sense, you won’t," says I, and he stared. "Might be taken for an admission of guilt. You won it fair and square, did you? Then you keep it." Sound advice, by the way.

  "That’s the whole point, though," I added, sitting forward and giving him my eye. "Now, Cumming, don’t start tearing the curtains, but tell me, straight out … did you cheat?"

  He was breathing hard, but at that he stiffened, and answered straight. "I did not! On my word of honour."

  He was telling the truth, no question. Not because he said so, but because of what I’d seen and heard from the moment I’d entered the room. I don’t claim to be an infallible judge of my fellow man (and woman); I can be deceived, and put no faith in oaths and promises, however solemn. But I’ve been about, and if I knew anything at all, Gordon-Cumming’s demeanour, in and out of anger, rang true.

  "Very good. Now, these witnesses—are they lying?"

  That set him away again. "How the blazes should I know? The whole thing is abominable! What’s it to me whether they’re lying or not? Pack of idiots and prying women! Who cares what they say! Let me tell you, Flashman, their foul charges don’t matter a straw to me—they’re worthless! But that men like Williams and … and the Prince, whom I counted a friend—that they should turn against me … that they can bring themselves to believe this vile thing—my God, and that you, of all people, should be alone in having … having faith in me …"

  I dare say he didn’t mean it to sound like an insult, but it did, and I found myself liking him even less than usual. He had gulped himself silent with outrage, so I resumed.

  "You haven’t answered. Are they lying?"

  "I neither know nor care!" He paced about and stopped, glaring at the wall. "Oh, I suppose not! The damned fools must think they saw something wrong, but who knows with ignorant young asses like those? What do they know of card play, even, or how such games are conducted? Tyros and schoolboys—that dummy Levett! That he should think for a moment—"

  "Stop vapouring, and keep your head," I told him. "Dammit, man, I’m trying to help you!" I wasn’t, but there. "If you want to come out of this, you’d best stop ranting, and think. Now, then—they weren’t lying, you believe. So they were mistaken. How? That’s the thing—what was there in your play—the way you staked—that made ’em think you were diddling them?" I offered him a cheroot, and struck a match. "Now, settle down, and think that over."

  He puffed at the weed in silence, made to speak, thought better of it, and then shrugged helplessly.

  "How can I tell what they think they saw? Minds like theirs … stupid women and scatterbrains like young Wilson—"

  "That won’t answer. See here—from what I’ve learned, they claim that on two or three occasions you had a £5 stake in front of you, and then hey, presto ! it was £15—after the hand had been declared. Now, how could that be? Think, man—unless they were seeing things, you must have added another two red chips to the one already there. Did you? Could you? No, don’t start bellowing—think! If you weren’t cheating—how came those extra chips to be there?"

  He stood nursing his brow, and turned to me a face that was haggard with frustration. "I don’t know, Flashman. It can’t have been so … I swear I never added to my stake after the …" And suddenly he stopped, and his eyes and mouth opened wide, and he gave a choking gasp. "Oh, my God! Of course! The coup de trois! That’s it, Flashman! The coup de trois!" And he let out a great wailing noise which I took to be relief. "The coup de trois!"

  "What the hell’s the coup de trois?"

  "My system!" His eyes were blazing. "Why didn’t I think of it at once! I was tripling up—don’t you see? Look here!" He lugged a handful of coins from his pocket, spilling ’em all over the shop, and planked one on the table. "There—that’s my £5 stake. I win—and am paid a fiver from the bank …" He clapped down a second coin. "I let ’em lie, and add another fiver …" Down went a third coin "… and that’s my stake for the next hand—£15! It’s how I always play! Stake a fiver, win another, add a third! The coup de trois!" He was laughing in sheer triumph. "Why, it’s as old as the hills! Every punter knows it—but not those green monkeys, Wilson and Levett! They see a fiver staked, look away, look back again after the coup’s been declared and the bank has paid out—and see three fivers—my original stake, my winning, and the third which I’ve added for the next coup, perfectly properly!" He let out a huge gasp of relief and subsided into a chair. "And because they’re ignorant novices, brought up on old maid and halma, they think it’s foul play!"

  "The only thing is," says I, "that they’re sure you added the extra chips after the coup was declared, but before the bank paid out—and that you accepted payment of £15."

  "Then they’re wrong, that’s all! It’s a question of … of timing, can’t you see?"—

  "They say that on one coup you jockeyed your stake and demanded an extra tenner from the bank-"

  "Stuff and nonsense!"

  "—and that once you flicked a chip over the line with a pencil—"

  "That is a lie!" He was on his feet again, white with anger. "Dammit, man, can’t you see sense? Don’t you see what has happened? Some young fool sees my coup de trois, thinks it’s a fraud, tells the other young fools, and because they’re as dense as he is—aye, and as eager to believe the worst—they see all manner of things that ain’t there! Flicking chips with pencils—bah!" In his excitement he took me by the arm. "Don’t you see, Flashman?"

  In fact, I did, and was feeling much let down. For what he said made some sort of sense … perhaps. Half-baked lads like Levett and Wilson, knowing nothing of such systems as the coup de trois employed by seasoned gamesters like Cumming, might well misinterpret his actions. It was, as he said, a question of timing, and in an ill-regulated drawing-room game, with no croupier on the first night, and the bank paying out any old how, it was possible that they might have thought Cumming was still to be paid when in fact he’d already
got his winnings and was letting ’em lie, with an additional fiver, for the next coup. Now, if the thing were explained to them, they’d surely be bound to give him the benefit of the doubt—for Bertie would leap at the explanation as a lifeline, and for decency’s sake they’d have to admit that they might have been mistaken.

  If there had been a cat handy I’d have kicked it. What had promised to be a splendid scandal looked like fizzling out like the dampest of squibs, and this damned baronet would walk away without a blot on his escutcheon … or so it seemed to me just then. From the first, you see, I’d feared that there might be a simple explanation, and here was a plausible one, rot it. It was all most damnably deflating—and worse because I’d guided him to his bloody loophole of escape.

  "Don’t you see?" cries he again, impatiently. "Heavens, it’s as plain as daylight now! You must see that! It’s obvious to anyone above a half-wit—even a muttonhead like Williams can’t fail to see it! Am I right?"

  I put on my judicial face and said that he probably was. "Well, thank God for that!" cries he sarcastically, and if anything had been needed to convince me he was telling the truth, it was his sneering tone. Not a hint of doubt that his explanation mightn’t wash, no palpitating hope of its acceptance—only cold fury that he, the soul of honour, had been disgracefully traduced, and that his peers had believed it. Two minutes since he’d been in an agony of despair, but now Sir William Gordon-Cumming, Bart, was back in the saddle, bursting with injured self-righteousness and the arrogant certainty of his kind. And, you’ll note, not a whisper of gratitude to your correspondent.

  "The Prince must be told at once! He’s a man of sense—unlike those clowns Coventry and Williams. I don’t doubt they persuaded him against his will, but when I put it to him he’ll see the right of it." He was at his dressing-table, flourishing his silver-backed brushes, improving his parting, with a dab or two at the ends of his pathetic Guardee moustache, and shooting his cuffs, while I marvelled at the human capacity for self-delusion. He was full of exultant confidence now, and it never crossed his shallow mind that others might be less ready to take his view of the matter. I’ve said his explanation was plausible, but it wasn’t near as cast-iron as he thought. Much would depend on how it was presented … and how ready they were to believe it.

  "It may be a lesson to them against jumping to conclusions! And on such flimsy evidence—the babbling of those whippersnappers! And my character, my good name, my record of honourable service, were to count for nothing against their damned gossip, the confounded little spies!" He was striding for the door, in full raging fettle, when he suddenly wheeled about. "No, by heavens, I’ll not do it!" He snapped his fingers, pointing at me. "Why should I?"

  "Why shouldn’t you do what?" was all I could say, for his anger had dropped from him like a shed cloak, and he was smiling grimly as he came slowly back to me.

  "Why should I humble myself with explanations? I’m the injured party, am I not? I’m the one who has suffered this … this intolerable affront! I have been insulted in the grossest fashion on the word of a pack of mannerless brats, and two elderly fools who, I have no doubt, persuaded His Royal Highness against his better judgment and honourable instincts." Drunk with vindictive justification he might be, he wasn’t ass enough to impugn Saintly Bertie. He gave a barking laugh. "Lord, Flashman, in our fathers' day I’d have been justified in blowing their imbecile heads off on Calais sands! Am I to crawl to them and say `Please, sir, I can prove your informants—ha, informers, I should say!—have been utterly in the wrong, and will you kindly tell ’em so, and condescend to forgive me for having conducted myself like a man of honour?' Is that what I’m supposed to do?"

  Talk about women scorned; their fury ain’t in it with a Scotch baronet’s wounded self-esteem. Had I ever, I wondered, encountered such an immortally conceited ass with a truer touch for self-destruction? George Custer came to mind. Aye, put him and Gordon-Cumming on the edge of a precipice and I’d not care to bet which would tumble first into the void, bellowing his grievance.

  "What," says I, keeping my countenance with proper gravity, "do you propose to do?"

  "Not a damned thing! You—" stabbing me on the chest "—since you’ve thrust your spoon into the dixie, can do it for me! You can be my messenger, Flashman, and have the satisfaction of showing them what asses they’ve made of themselves! You’ve got the gift o' the gab, don’t we know it?" says he, with a curl of his voice if not of his lip. "You can explain about the coup de trois and the rest of it—because I’m damned if I will! It’s not for me to make a plea to them—let ’em come to me! I’ll accept their apology—Coventry and Williams, I mean, and those three guttersnipes! Not the ladies, of course—and certainly not His Royal Highness, who has been most disgracefully imposed on, I’m sure of that. Yes," says he, head up and shoulders square, with exultation in his eye, "that’s the way to do it! So off you go, old fellow, and don’t spare ’em!" Seeing me stand thoughtful, he frowned impatiently. "Well—will you?"

  Would I not? I’ve told you my score against Gordon-Cumming—a natural detestation of his supercilious vanity, his unconcealed dislike of me, above all the suspicion that he’d ploughed with my heifer, and now, if you please, the arrogant bastard was appointing me his message-boy. Throw into the scale his overweening certainty that he’d cleared himself, and must be grovelled to in consequence, and you’ll understand (if you know me at all) that I would not have missed the chance to sink the swine, not for my soul’s salvation.

  For it was in my hands, no error. His coup de trois excuse had put the whole affair on a knife-edge. If it were shrewdly urged, the three wise men, and the witnesses, might be disposed, for the sake of avoiding a horrid scandal, to swallow it. Well, by the time I’d done with it, they’d spew it all over the floor.

  So I consented to act as his go-between, and left him grinding his teeth at the prospect of accusers confounded and honour restored. No time, we agreed, must be lost, so I made for the Prince’s apartments, and whom should I meet on the way but the three leading witnesses, plainly just come from a royal audience: Master Wilson bright with excitement, Lycett Green tight-lipped, and young Levett plainly wishing himself in the Outer Hebrides. No change on that front, thinks I, and the air of gloom in H.R.H.’s sitting-room, most of it cigar smoke, confirmed my conclusion.

  "That fellow is impossible!" Bertie was croaking, and I gathered he meant Lycett Green. "Not a shadow of doubt, according to him. Oh, it’s intolerable! What can we do but believe them?"

  "As your highness says." Coventry sounded like a vicar at the graveside. "That being so, we are bound to take …" he frowned as he dredged his vocabulary "… ah, measures … in regard to Sir William."

  "Lycett Green won’t keep quiet if we don’t," says Williams.

  "Self-righteous ass!" snaps Bertie. "No, that’s not fair … he’s a decent man, no doubt—I only wish he weren’t so infernally adamant." He scowled at me. "Well?" I said I’d seen Gordon-Cumming.

  "And much good that will have done! I’ve seen him myself—and it was heart-breaking! I tell you, the man almost had tears in his eyes! One of my closest friends, I’d ha' trusted him with my life—but how can I credit his denial in the face of … of …" He flourished a paw in the direction of the door. "They’re so sure! Even Levett, poor devil—heavens, we could hardly drag it out of him!" He sat down, groaning, drew on his cigar as though it were poisoned, and regarded me dyspeptically. "What did Cumming have to say to you?"

  "Denied it, absolutely. I suppose he gave your highness his explanation?"

  That brought him bolt upright. "What explanation?"

  I hesitated, with an artistic frown, and shook my head. "I don’t know quite what to make of it myself … I confess that I …" At that I stopped, waiting for him to demand what the devil I was talking about, which he did, with considerable vigour.

  "Well, sir… ." I began, half-apologetic, and then I gave him the coup de trois story, plain and matter-of-fact, but with dark doubt
hovering over every word, and was gratified to see Coventry’s face growing long as a coffin, Williams frowning in disbelief, and the light of hope fading from Bertie’s bloodshot ogles.

  "D’you believe it?" cries he, and I maintained the manly silence that damned Gordon-Cumming as no words could. "But is it possible?" he insisted.

  "Possible, sir?" I made a lip and shrugged. "Aye, I dare say it’s … possible …"

  "But even if it were true," broke in Williams, "and you plainly don’t think it is, it still does not explain all the … the irregularities. The pencil, that sort of thing." He met Bertie’s despairing eye. "I regret to say it, sir, but it sounds to me like the feeble excuse of a desperate man. And I’m sure," he added, "that that is how Green and the others will regard it."

  Coventry heaved a draughty sigh. "Indeed, it only confirms my belief that Sir William … ah, that the witnesses … the charges …"

  "That he’s a cheat and a liar!" cries Bertie. He growled down his temper, gnashed on his cigar, and faced us. "Very well, then. God knows we’ve done our best to sift the thing—and that’s our conclusion. He’s played foul and been caught out. Now," says he, and for the first time that night he sounded royal, "how is it to be hushed up?"

  They stood mum, so I put in my oar again. "’Fraid it can’t be, sir … unless you and Williams are prepared to risk a court martial."

  If I’d said "are prepared to steal the Crown Jewels and make a run for Paraguay" I couldn’t have provoked a finer display of consternation, but before Bertie could explode, I explained.

  "You and he both hold the Queen’s commission, sir. I’m retired, of course. But as serving officers, aware of dishonourable conduct by a brother officer, you’re obliged to bring it to the attention of your superiors. Since your highness is a field marshal, I’m not sure who your superiors are, exactly … Her Majesty, of course. Or I dare say the colonel of Cumming’s regiment would do …"