The Rules In Paradise (Playing By The Rules)

by Woods, Lindsey

  Every sob hurt my muscles but stopped the aching in my chest. When I stopped crying the pain in my chest ignited again. I lathered my hair and body quickly and rinsed, shutting the water off when I was done. I pulled on an old pair of jeans and a big sweatshirt. Despite the fact that it was mid summer I felt chilled to the bone. I piled my hair on the top of the my head and left my room.

  I wasn’t sure I was ready to see anyone, but my stomach was telling me it needed something in it. I shouldn’t have been, but I was surprised when I saw Jason and Adrian laughing on the couch. I didn’t make eye contact with either, I just turned toward the kitchen. They both had stopped talking and laughing. That answered my question, she already knew.

  I pulled down a bowl and filled it with cereal. I could hardly stand up right now, let alone make a real breakfast. I opened the fridge to get the milk when I heard footsteps come in.

  “Are you ok?” Jason asked.

  I closed the fridge and poured some onto my cereal.

  “Yeah, perfect.” My tone was icy, but he hopefully understood it was not about him.

  “I’m sorry, really. It just wasn’t fair. I just thought you had to know.” His face was set with worry.

  “You did the right thing, I’m not mad at you.”

  He just stood there and stared for a moment. The look of concern on his face pushed me over the edge and I started crying. I was shocked when I felt him pull me to him and he hugged me. He hugged me and just let me cry. This was very much outside of the realm of our relationship, but I was in no position to argue. I took several deep breaths as I tried to pull it together. I pulled back and wiped my face on my sleeves.

  “I’m sorry,” I said slightly embarrassed.

  “Don’t be, I get it.” There were so many questions in my head, I didn’t know that I wanted to verbalize them.

  “I don’t know. He came in last night drunk as hell and I left before he got up. He was pretty tore up last night though.”

  I gave a hopefully grateful face. He had read my mind and answered a question without making me say it.

  “For what it’s worth, he’s in love with you. I know that. He’s done enough stupid shit in the name of keeping you that I can’t believe that was a lie too.”

  “I’m just sorry that it’s affecting you. You’re an innocent bystander.”

  He shrugged. “He’s my best friend. He’s lost his mind over a woman. I get that. It’s just less complicated for me.”

  “I appreciate you telling me.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t sooner. I really wanted to. I was so mad at him for the things he was doing. It was never about you for me, you know.”

  I gave him a questioning look.

  “I never hated you. I hated that he was fucking everything up, sure. But I knew he wouldn’t do it unless he was sure about you. Nobody knocks Cooper off his game, and he was a disaster once he met you. I mean that in a kind of good way. He cared in a different way when you came along. He worked harder except this was for a purpose. I think he does what he does because he’s naturally good at it. But I think you gave him purpose to what he was doing.”

  “You know the worst part? I just keep thinking of moments, of having the best time with him. There were so many times I forgot anything existed except him. It’s those moments that I miss the most. When nothing mattered except him.”

  “He can still matter Olivia. I would never tell you what to do. I can just say one option is to try to give him some time. You don’t have to give up on him.”

  “All I can think about is the way he avoided questions, how he was so cryptic and secretive. How could he do that to someone he supposedly cared about? Why was the one person it would matter to, left out?”

  “I can’t answer that. I don’t what the hell he was thinking. I hate that this happened. I’m wondering if I did the right thing. I hurt him, I hurt you.”

  “Yeah but Jason, I needed to know. It wasn’t fair to have half the picture of him.”

  “I know. You were just good for him. He needed you.”

  “Not anymore.” I pushed my now slightly soggy cereal around my bowl.

  “I’m sorry Olivia, I really am.”

  I shrugged and kept my eyes on my bowl. I didn’t want Jason’s pity. He had been hurt by this whole thing just as much. I had ruined so much by coming into their lives.

  “Can you just make sure he’s ok. I mean I don’t want to know. I just want to know that you’re not going to give up on him too.”

  He gave me a weak smile. “I’m not giving up on him. He’s an idiot and I want to slap the shit out of him, but I’m his friend and this is where that job is important.”

  “Thanks.” I gave him an even weaker smile and he walked back into the living room.

  I heard whispering from the living room. I couldn’t bear to be around happy people. It wasn’t their fault and I was happy for them, but right now I wanted to sulk in self pity. I dumped my cereal in the trash and walked back to my room. I pulled the covers up just before the tears broke through the dam again.

  It was turning into evening when I opened my eyes. My headache was still pounding in the front of my head and I still felt weak and achy. The dusk falling outside allowed the notification light on my phone to light up the room. I reached for it and squinted as my eyes adjusted to the brightness. I held the phone tight in my hand and fought fruitlessly against the tears that had already started to fall. I clicked on the new e-mail and it opened up on my screen.

  To: Olivia Adamson

  From: Cole Cooper

  Subject: Your last request

  Date: August 10th, 2012 4:55 PM

  Olivia,

  I know it was your wish that I do not contact you, so I promise that this will be my last contact with you. I cannot begin to apologize for the actions that have caused me to lose you. I understand that I have given you no choice but to leave me. That’s why after this I will respect your wishes. I assure you this is not my last ditch attempt to get you to stay with me. I realize that my chance has passed and I have lost you. However, there are things I wish to say to you. I know you would not grant me the opportunity to see you in person, so this is all I can do.

  Olivia, the moment I saw you I was captivated. I loved everything about you. You were so reserved, so ok to sit in the background. That first evening, watching Adrian dance and seeing you sit there, having a good time despite not being involved confused me. To me, you were a beautiful woman who was in the shadow of her outgoing friend. It was then that I realized that is where you were happy. You didn’t need the attention. In fact, often times you ran from it. But when I spoke to you that evening you were so articulate and witty. That is what I love most about you Olivia. I love the fact that you are brave despite your reservations. I love the way that you looked at me that night, like you saw nothing else. Those moments, when I felt like only you and I existed made me realize that I had met the only woman who could do that to me. I spend much of my time observing people. That is part of how I run my business. I watch, I listen, I look for clues. I didn’t need those clues from you. You wore your emotions and your thoughts on your sleeve. I loved that no matter how hard you tried you could not keep it inside. It is such an endearing quality when a woman is so oblivious to her true beauty. Right now I want to cry thinking about how much I’ll miss watching your thoughts come across your beautiful face. I will miss watching you think things through. I’ll miss the look you get when you arrive at something really good. I will miss the look that makes my body go weak. Olivia, you can bring any grown man to his knees, and it makes me so sick to think of the man who wins your heart.

  I told you that you were in control, that I was along for the ride. It’s still true, it’s always going to be true. You are the end all be all for me Olivia. I have gotten a glimpse of absolute euphoria with you. I can never go back to just ok. You’ve ruined me. I have come to terms with the fact that I have lost you and the odds are stacked against me that you will return. I’
ve become acquainted with the fact that all I can do is let you go. You asked me a long time ago it seems, love or money? My answer was regrettable. I don’t choose either. I choose you. You’re so much more than love and I would give this all away for one more night with you. My work, my things, my anything is useless if I don’t have you. I don’t mean that in the whole ‘woe is me’ way. I mean that there is nothing in this world that holds any meaning to me without you. I have no purpose now that I’ve fallen in love with you and experienced your love in return.

  That moment when you told me you loved me nearly brought me to my knees. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. When you said you loved me I wanted to hold you and never let you go. Never in a million years would I have thought it would end with you leaving me. I hate that fact and I hate that it is my fault. But Olivia, I want you to know that I did nothing to hurt you on purpose. I did everything in order to fully give myself to you. I will never love another woman the way I love you. If ten years from now, you tell me that you love me and you’re willing to see me, I would drop everything and get to you. I love you Olivia and I hope one day you will really truly believe that.

  With every ounce of love and honor that I possess in my humble body. I owe it all to you.

  C.C.

  My hands shook and my tears fell freely as I touched the delete button.

  Chapter 19

  Life returned to normal at a painstakingly slow rate. I returned to work, and started back to school. Fall semester quickly turned to spring semester, and spring had come. It was Friday evening and I was more than happy to sit inside and relax.

  It had been nine months since I had last heard from Cole. This was both a blessing and a curse. True to his word he never contacted me again. I saw Jason from time to time whenever he was in town, however I hadn’t seen him in about a month. Adrian had went to visit him this week and would be home tonight. I was grateful for this fact because it was so much harder to keep my head above water without someone to pick you up when you needed it.

  I had gone through the stages of grief throughout most of the year. I had been in denial for a long time. I denied that I would never see or hear from him again. I spent some time watching my surroundings, imagining I would see him standing there, come to sweep me off my feet. When I realized it was probably never going to happen I denied that I loved him. I tried to convince myself that what we had was a fling, it wouldn’t have lasted anyway. I denied the fact that I spent so much time, even now, thinking of him. I denied that it was him in my dreams, that it was some mystery man I saw nearly nightly. I spent the most time trying to deny the fact that I had told him I loved him less than an hour before my whole world came crashing down on those three little words. I felt foolish and embarrassed and almost, just almost, wished I had never said it to him.

  I was extremely angry, both that night and even now sometimes. I was angry at myself for letting him get to me. I was so stupid to fall for his bullshit. I was angry that I had spent my vacation falling in love with him when he was busy with someone else. I felt so angry that I knew, somewhere I knew the phone calls and the cryptic messages were significant. In my heart I knew that I should have known better. This is when I was still so angry. I knew for most of our time together that there was something I was missing and I let him talk me out of it. I let him brush it off so many times. I hated myself for being weak, for not broaching the subject more or more aggressively. I was still so angry.

  I bargained, except not with him. I bargained with myself. If I kept feeling him around I would e-mail him. If I dreamt about him again next week I would call him. I bargained the fact that I just needed to know he was ok so it was alright to call. If I was checking on him it wouldn’t be bad. This phase was the shortest because I had Adrian physically take my phone before I did something stupid. She deleted his number from my phone shortly after I could be human again, not so much a zombie. I had no evidence of him. It was symbolic to see a Cole Cooper free phone. He had been wiped from my life just as quickly as Adrian had wiped him from my phone.

  I stayed in the depression stage the longest. I believe I began in the depression stage and stayed there. My anger and my denial kept me there most days. I was so angry at myself for allowing this to happen when I knew better. I was so angry at him for ruining the most perfect thing I’ve ever known. I spent more time alone, more withdrawn if that was possible. Circumstances were against my leaving this phase. Charlotte was a newlywed and obviously was spending much of her time with Kyle. Adrian was busy working, but would also see Jason almost monthly. My support system had been eaten up by circumstances that were great for them, but less than helpful for me. I put on a brave face for both of them because I loved them. They deserved to be happy and I wasn’t going to take that away because I was bitter and resentful of the massacred state of my life because of the same love they were enjoying.

  Here I was, sitting on my couch on a Friday evening still not accepting what had happened. So maybe in reality I haven’t gone through all the stages. I was still so angry, and I still denied the truth, I had not fully accepted everything that had happened. I accepted the fact that he respected my request and I would not hear from or see him again. That I believed. He would feel like he owed me that much. I had accepted the fact that despite him being the biggest asshole I’d ever known, he was gentleman enough to do as I asked. I also accepted the fact that I would never feel that way again. When I thought of him I felt like warm sun rays, and his color was green. When I saw him in my dreams he always had at least half of his face in the sun. Everything around him was blue and green. The most I could gather out of that was Mexico. Everywhere we had been was full of beautiful green life, and the sun was always warming our skin. I accepted the fact that he would stay with me forever.

  I heard keys rattling in the door and actually felt myself get excited for the first time in a long time. The door flew open and Adrian came straggling in, dragging her big bag behind her. I gave her a genuine smile as she came in. She immediately ran over to the couch and hugged me tight.

  “Hi,” I said, “did you miss me?”

  “I totally did. You look good,” she said as she got up. I looked away from her when I heard shuffling outside. Before I could begin to ask Jason came walking in, dragging a bag behind him.

  “Hey,” he said, smiling. I really was happy to see him and Adrian, it was always just slightly awkward to see him at first.

  “Hey there, nice surprise,” I said. He gave me an apologetic look as he closed the door behind him.

  “Get ready, we’re going to dinner at seven, Char and Kyle are meeting us,” Adrian called from down the hall. I rolled my eyes and opened my mouth to call after her.

  “I don’t care if you don’t want to go, you are,” she yelled from her bedroom. I felt my face register shock and heard Jason laughing at me.

  “You should shut up, I’m not afraid to take her overbearingness out on you,” I said to Jason, trying to hold back my smile.

  “Yes ma’am,” he said as he saluted me.

  I begrudgingly got ready, and walked in to the restaurant after Adrian, as Jason held the door for us. I walked in and gave both Charlotte and Kyle, who were already sitting, a hug. I felt slightly out of place sitting at a table for six with two couples. The open seat next to me felt like the focal point of the table.

  We all ordered drinks and sat around talking for awhile. I felt actually good to be sitting with my friends, out of the house.

  “I’m so glad you guys could come, I feel like it’s been forever,” Adrian said as she took a sip of her drink.

  “I’ve just been so busy with work and school. We’ve been waiting on Kyle’s bar results, but he feels really good about it.” Charlotte grabbed his hand and I couldn’t help but smile. I felt like they were truly the perfect couple and complimented each other perfectly. I watched Kyle stroke the back of Charlotte’s hand with his thumb and felt a pull in my chest

  “I love you guys s
o much. I really can’t believe that we’re all so grown up. I guess that’s why I wanted to share with you that I’m getting married.” Adrian squealed the last part. Her hand was in the air, showing off an extremely beautiful ring.

  My eyes were big and I looked between Adrian who was sitting diagonal from me and Jason who was sitting across from me. Charlotte jumped up from her seat, squealing almost as loud. I took that as my cue to get up and I hugged Adrian as well.

  “Wow Ad, I’m shocked,” I said. I was going through the motions, and I hated it, but there was nothing else I could do. If I couldn’t be happy for my friend I had to at least pretend to be. There was excited chatter around the table as Kyle shook Jason’s hand and hugged Adrian. I had resumed my seat and downed my drink. The chatter continued and I continued to sit hearing none of it.

  “I’m sorry she sprung that on you.” Jason’s voice broke me out of my trance.

  “What, why? Congratulations. Really Jason. I’m so happy for you too.” I really meant it, but I didn’t know how to make my body language and tone of voice convey that.

  “I was hoping she was just going to tell you at home, but you know her,” he said apologetically.

  “I know, in true Adrian fashion. I’m happy for you Jason.” I squeezed his hand that was on the table to show I meant it.

  “Thanks Olivia,” he paused, “he’s still not over you either, you know. I see the same look on his face all the time.”

  I cleared my throat and sat up straighter. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “He’s always blank. He has to will himself to show any emotion. I told him I was going to propose, and his first question was if you knew.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “I didn’t really feel that I should tell him our relationship was practically healthy now. That’s not something he’d want to know.”