I grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze before letting go.
“You don’t deserve to hate your life Cole. Even now I don’t believe that. You deserve to be blissfully happy. It scares me to think of you so on edge that you spent so much time, not in your right mind. The Cole I know is so full of life and is always busy living, not just surviving.”
“You only know him because you created him. He hasn’t been there forever.”
I took a deep breath trying to will my tears away.
“That makes me wholly sad. It was so hard to know that I didn’t have you in my life anymore, it close to killed me some days. The only thing worse than that would be to know you, the you I know, wasn’t here. I don’t mean dead or ceasing to exist. I mean that someone as truly alive and vibrant as you wasn’t living a life that supported that. That is the ultimate sadness here. To think about you not making people happy the way you make me happy is so sad. I think about all the things we’ve done in such a short amount of time and I think that everyone should live this way. It is very troubling to me to think about you not doing that. It’s eerie, I don’t like it.” I gave a shudder. He let out a low laugh.
“You give me far too much credit. All of the credit belongs to you. You brought me back to life. I owe you so much. I owe you for that, I owe you for all of the happiness you brought me, I owe you for hurting you as terribly as I did. I am just so in awe of you Olivia. Every quality you possess makes me want to be better. That’s what I mean when I say you keep me on my toes. I don’t mean just in us going back and forth, I mean literally I strive to be more for you.”
I kicked out my legs and laid down, putting my head next to his.
“You don’t owe me anything. Just knowing you exist, and you’re you, and you’re real makes me feel better.”
I looked up at the sky,studying the stars. I was so lost in my own world. I didn’t know how I felt right now. Or if how I felt now was how I should feel given the circumstances. I stared at the stars for a long time. I heard Cole’s breathing even out. I smiled hearing the sound of him sleeping. I grabbed his hand, and it wasn’t long before my eyes grew heavy and closed.
Chapter 26
I woke up with a start. It was still dark out. Immediately I realized I was outside and the night at the beach came to my head. I sat up and saw Cole sleeping where he had originally laid down. I couldn’t help but smile as I watched him sleep. You always hear about how people look so peaceful when they sleep. Peaceful didn’t begin to cover what he looked like here.
This picture of him sleeping was a drastic change from his normal demeanor. I watched his face and saw every line was gone. His eyes were closed and he looked like a little boy. His hair was messy, not quite in its neat combed back style. It was ruffled and fell slightly over his forehead. His breathing was deep and soft and it was comforting to listen to it.
“What am I supposed to do with you?” I whispered. Life had been so simple, then was great and still simple, followed by a stage of disaster and now here I was in a terribly complicated situation. So many things had changed, but how did I deal with that? I knew that I cared about him, more than anyone else, but did that justify what had happened? Was I being over-dramatic and I should just love him for what he is? I didn’t know the answer to those questions. Now that we were here, back in the same physical space I felt overcome with what he was. I was truly weighed down by who he was. He suffocated me in the best of ways. When he was around all I saw was him. He commanded attention without trying. He had all of mine, and I didn’t know if that was good or bad.
“I can’t begin to imagine what’s going through your mind right now,” he said in a low, gravelly voice. I smiled at him as he looked up at me, sounding groggy.
“What else could it be? It’s usually you, just like it is now.”
“Not that I don’t enjoy being the subject of your thoughts, especially if they are borderline explicit, but are you going to fill me in?”
“I could just fall right back into it with you. And part of me wants that, but is it right? Does how I feel about justify you and what you did? I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m supposed to overlook what happened because of how good this is. I literally feel like we never skipped a beat. That scares the hell out of me. I’m so scared that I’m going to let you back in and never address the real issues here.”
“Then don’t,” he responded. I gave him a disbelieving and curious look.
“I don’t mean that rudely Olivia, but I didn’t expect you to give me the benefit of the doubt and all would be well tonight. I intend to work to regain your trust. I believe that is what you’re struggling with. You don’t know if you should trust me, and I get it. I understand that and I didn’t expect it. I want to put in the work so that you come to the realization that I’m really worth it. I hope that I am, but that is not a guarantee.”
“I don’t know if I can handle you trying. I mean if what I’ve known from you is not trying, my heart might not be able to handle trying.” He smiled and got up, brushing the sand off his shorts and held his hand out to help me up.
“That is part of the plan anyway. Come on, let’s get you home before the sun comes up.” We set off back to the beach.
I woke up shortly before ten. After only five hours of sleep I still felt a little groggy. I wandered out to the living room. I felt the intense stare of my two friends as I walked out and poured myself a glass of milk. I tried to ignore it, but I could literally feel the stares on the back of my head.
“I’m going to pretend that my milk drinking is not nearly as interesting as you’re making it out to be,” I said and faced them. Neither of them moved a muscle and neither of them said anything. I looked between the two of them, they were still staring in silence.
“Ok, you win, what is it?”
“You didn’t come home last night,” Charlotte said, a bit of a harsh tone to her voice.
“Yes I did.”
“Considering I was waiting until near 2:30, no you didn’t. Anything later than that is considered early in the morning, not late at night.”
“I came home,” I said. I had lost a little of my argument by Charlotte’s rules.
“What time?” Adrian asked over her cup of coffee.
“I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention,” I shrugged as I rinsed my glass in the sink.
“I’m calling bullshit. What time and where?” Adrian said, smiling.
“I don’t know, maybe five or so.” I closed my eyes to prepare for the verbal blow I was going to receive.
“James?” Charlotte asked, leaning forward in her chair. I gave a nervous look and shook my head.
“You whore!” Adrian shrieked. “How was it?” She was clapping and jumping like an idiot.
“I didn’t sleep with him, my god, I’m not you,” I said feigning hurt.
“You spent all night with Cole?” Charlotte said with clear disapproval. I nodded.
Charlotte sighed. “Why?”
“I don’t know, it just happened.”
“What’s he saying?”
“Whatever he wants to. He has promised to answer my questions. I’m just confused. It’s so easy to just fall back to what we were. I don’t know how to stop it.”
“Not seeing him would help,” Charlotte said almost with a sneer.
“I still have feelings for him, I’m just not sure what those are.”
There was a knock on the door and Charlotte jumped up to get it.
“So, what is going on with you two?” Adrian was bent over the island, her head in one hand, smiling wide. I couldn’t help but smile at her.
“I really don’t know. It’s so crazy. I could so easily just fall back into this and be ok. I don’t really want to do that though. I want us to be on solid ground before I say ok to this. He knows that and accepts it. It’s just, weird.”
“I never thought he’d be here,” she said.
“Me either. It completely stopped me cold. It was literally too m
uch, seeing him. Now I feel like we never were away. If thought of this moment for so long and here it is, it’s so strange.”
Charlotte came back and took her seat again. We both looked at her.
“Wrong room I guess,” she said as she shrugged and sipped from her mug.
“I’m going to get ready and head down to the pool,” Adrian said as she walked down the hallway.
“Would you just say it please,” I said slightly annoyed.
“What do you mean?” Charlotte replied.
“I know you want to say something, but you’re not. I’m not sure why you’re not unless it’s going to be pretty bad.”
“I’m just worried Olivia,” she said.
“Why?”
“Because, he shows up here and suddenly everything is ok. I don’t want to be the one to hurt you now, but the reality is he lied to you about something really big. He also lied to another girl who he was going to marry in less than a month. Another reality is you know he played both sides of the fence for awhile. You know that. Why are you accepting that as ok?”
“I’m not saying it’s ok. I’m not. I’m just trying to determine if how I feel about him is enough. Am I able to forgive him in the future for this? I don’t know the answer to that. All I know is that he seems to be trying, and I love spending time with him. I feel so comfortable with him. I don’t know if that will matter in the long run, but right now I like it. I’m not doing anything stupid. I understand the circumstances.”
“Olivia, I’m not trying to be a pain. I just am so scared for you. He’s done so much wrong and I don’t want you to forget about that,” she said. Her face was lined with concern.
“I know. Just trust me right now that I have this in my head. I’m not forgetting.” I walked over and hugged her.
“I’m going to get ready too and head down, come with us,” I said to Charlotte.
“My goodness the sun is outrageous today,” Adrian exclaimed as we found some empty lounge chairs.
I laid my towel on the chair and threw my cover up dress over the back. I reveled in the feeling of the warm sun on my skin. It felt good to be here and enjoy the warm feeling. I closed my eyes behind my sunglasses and let myself relax fully for the first time in a very long time. I forgot about every worry in my head. I felt myself start to drift off.
“I hope you didn’t anticipate just a lazy day by the pool. I have big plans,” a voice said from beside me. I jumped a little at the sound and saw Cole sitting in the chair next to me. He was dressed in black cargo shorts and a black T-Shirt. As usual his casual dress was heightened by his attractiveness.
“You scared the shit out of me.” He smiled.
“I’m sorry, really,” he said.
“Yeah, I bet. Actually I was quite comfortable and relaxed.”
“You can be comfortable and relaxed where we’re going. Come on. We’re going,” he said as he got up and pulled my dress from the back of my chair and threw it onto my lap. He gave Charlotte and Adrian a wave as he grabbed my things. I slid on my flip-flops and put on my dress. I waved to the girls as well.
“Don’t do anything you don’t want to! No means no!” Charlotte called from her chair as we walked away.
Within minutes we were in the familiar Jeep and driving down a long road.
“Did you sleep well?” Cole asked, concentrating on the road.
“Yes, I could have used a nap by the pool, but since that was not to be, the five or so hours I got will have to suffice,” I said as sarcastically as I could.
“Way to be an optimist Olivia.”
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“Do you want to use your question already?” He asked checking over his shoulder as he switched lanes.
“Nevermind, I’ll wait and see,” I sighed. I constantly had to be on my game with him.
We pulled up to what looked like a small park, and Cole got out of the car. He grabbed the familiar backpack, and waited for me to get out of the car.
We walked down a path in silence for a few minutes.
“Last night was the best sleep I’ve gotten in months,” Cole said as he focused on the path before us.
“I’m glad,” I said. And I was. I thought for a moment. I knew what I wanted to concentrate on today as far as what I would ask him, but I was trying to weasel as much information out in the least amount of questions possible.
“Just ask it Olivia. I feel like I’m pins and needles when I see you so deep in thought,” Cole said out of the blue. I never grew used to what he knew just from observations.
“Tell me about her,” I said. I couldn’t believe I said it because the truth was I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know, but it was a start.
“Who?” He asked.
“You know,” I said, not wanting to say her name out loud.
“Vanessa you mean?” He said, and he looked at me for the first time. I nodded.
“What would you like to know?” He asked.
“Whatever you want to tell me. Who is she?”
“Well the truth of the matter is that she is a spoiled brat. She was born into money, and she will remain living with money until she dies. She will never work for a cent of it either. That is a trait I do not admire in her. In contrast I worked for every dime I make and continue to work for it now. I am spoiled, but I have worked hard to become so.”
“These questions fall under my first question, so you can’t count them against me,” I said, clarifying the rules. He smiled and nodded in agreement. “What do you like about her?”
“Let me clarify, these will be the things I past tense, liked about her. She is a part of my past Olivia, just to be clear. At first I will admit I liked her for her looks. We started working with her father and I’d see her around. She is very attractive. She has unlimited time for grooming and the like. I also liked her innocence. She is very naive because she has never had to see the world in the way most people do. Her innocence and the fact that she has led a very sheltered life was refreshing to me. She is very supportive. Now this trait I have begun to wonder about, but she always supported me in anything I wanted to do. She was like a cheerleader on the sidelines no matter what. I enjoyed feeling like I had someone in my corner, especially in the early days. We would get so bogged down with rejection that it was nice to have someone standing up for me.”
“What don’t you like?” I asked, very interested in this particular question.
“Well, like I said she is spoiled. I think I also reserve the right to feel like she is backstabbing. She had her father fight her battle for her, and she turned things around on me to make herself look good. She is very egocentric. She likes to make everything about her. She loves attention of anyone around her. That got us into many fights. We would go out, and she would do some questionable things and I would get upset. I didn’t particularly trust her because of this. She liked to flirt with men, even if they were my clients. She knew she was attractive and she played that up. Which privately I could enjoy, but in front of business partners or in public it rubbed me the wrong way. I can look back now and say that she is not the smartest woman I’ve known. She’s no you.” He stopped talking and concentrated again on the trail.
“Why were you going to marry her then?”
“Good question. In hindsight, I don’t know. Then I probably was marrying her because it was easy. I don’t profess to be a long term relationship kind of person. I am not afraid of commitment, but the reality is I can get bored easily. I felt ok with her, never bored, but never overly excited. She was satisfactory.”
“You didn’t love her?”
“I thought I did. Now I disagree with that statement,” he said, clearing thinking.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because it didn’t feel the same as it does with you. I never felt even half the spark and fulfillment I feel from you. Once I felt what I felt with you, I realized that what I had with her wasn’t love. I told her I loved her, yes. I think that was a lie though.”
The thought of him saying he loved her, even before he knew me, made my chest hurt a little bit. The ugly jealousy monster was rearing his head, I tried to keep him suppressed. Out of my peripheral vision I saw his face turn towards me.
“Full disclosure Olivia. Don’t ask what you don’t want to know,” he said.
“I know.” I took a deep breath.
“We’re almost there,” he said excitedly as he picked up the pace.
I tried my best to keep up with his pace. In the distance a strange sound was growing. I couldn’t quite place it, but it seemed familiar. We kept walking and the sound got louder and louder. Finally we reached the source of the sound. It was a huge waterfall that spread out into a huge body of water. Cole was still walking towards it. I was awed at its beauty. The water that flowed at the bottom was clear, and I could feel that it was cooler than the air. The waterfall itself was huge and beautiful. It created so many ripples in the water below. Cole finally turned around, and saw I was far behind him.
“Do you know where you are?” He called to me as I walked toward him.
“At a waterfall?” I asked, confused.
“Look,” he pointed upward. I watched his hand travel along an imaginary line in the air. I finally stood next to him.
“Sky?” I said. I was still confused.
“You’ve been here, see the black line? This is the water from the zipline,” he said excitedly.
I finally saw the light line of black traveling across the sky. I couldn’t help but smile at being here. That day, like many others spent with Cole, was ingrained in my head. It was clear as day.
“I mean truly, this is amazing,” I said, still awed.
“Come on, come with me,” he said as he took off his shirt, and threw his sunglasses and objects from his pocket on top of it. Could I say no to following a shirtless Cole? Probably not.
The Rules In Paradise (Playing By The Rules) Page 21
