The Keeper

by Hawke, Rosanne

  ‘Did you see that!’ Talk about jumping dolphins!

  ‘We can kiss that salmon goodbye, mate.’

  ‘Hook and all. Guess it’ll dissolve one way or the other.’

  We don’t catch much after that, even though the dolphins move on, yet it doesn’t seem to matter. For once the fishing’s not important – it’s the sitting, saying what comes into your head next after the staring. There’s something about watching that expanse of shifting blue and green that draws things out of me somehow. I know I talk a lot to Mei about bikes or fishing or what I did yesterday. Maybe she never wants to hear all that stuff. She never says. But this is different, stuff I never talk about to anyone. ‘Grandad was cool, you know.’

  Dev doesn’t glance down. Like it’s the most normal thing to talk about a dead guy. ‘I had a grandad too once.’

  ‘Mine just got sick and died.’

  ‘Mine too, mate.’

  ‘I didn’t think he ought to have, you know? Not when I didn’t have a dad.’ It’s on the tip of my tongue to say it wasn’t fair but I stop in time. That sounds so childish; Gran always says there’s no promise that life will be fair. I wish it was. Dev grins at me then. He’s got the bluest eyes today. It must be the reflection off the sea. It’s almost like he’s heard the stuff in my head, all the things I don’t say. It makes me feel warm in places I haven’t for a long time; it makes me ask the next question.

  ‘Why did you come?’

  ‘My sister saw the ad. She’s always on the lookout for a partner for me. She thinks I’m lonely.’

  I think about some other meanings of ‘lonely’. ‘She right?’

  ‘Sometimes, I guess. Anyway she thought where there’s a boy without a dad there’d be a young mother.’

  Suddenly I feel like a breeze has sprung up. A cool one. Mother, partner. The usual old bitterness begins its well-trod pathway through my gut. I try to keep the hurt out of my voice. ‘I’m sorry I don’t have one for you.’ He didn’t come for me! I try to keep calm, like it was before, but I can’t; horses are coming, galloping into my head. I try to stop them, try to shut the gate but they keep on, taking over, throwing up clods of earth. The noise is deafening and I think I stand up. I’m sure I drop my rod. The boat’s lurching. I know that much and nor do I care.

  ‘Mate—’ I can see Dev through the haze. For once he’s worried. I aim a kick at the tackle box. It goes flying, so does the hessian bag. Water washes out, the whiting we’ve caught slide onto the hull. The boat’s dipping low now and I’m struggling to stay upright. My head’s starting to clear but I hang onto the red-brown feeling inside; it’s stronger than me. Dev should shout at me, tell me to sit down – I could sink us. I’ll be ready when he does . . .

  But I’m not ready, not for Dev’s quiet voice – no menace, no Ms-Colby-you-lost-it-again; just ‘That’s not why I came.’

  I should shout at him but I’m never sure, when people go calm. It’s like they take a pressure valve off. What’s he mean? That’s not why he came? Why did he then? I don’t dare ask. It’s too close, I might hear the truth and I’m sure I’m not going to like it. No one ever comes for me. What was I thinking of? Letting my guard down like that? The horses are kicking their heels now, happy they’ve done some damage. My face is screwed up into my Al Capone scowl as I sit down as far away from Dev as I can manage in the confines of the boat.

  Funny thing, Dev keeps quietly sitting, picks up his rod again, but the fishing trip’s over. Even he can see that. He reels in the line; both of mine too. I pretend not to notice, as he leans over to half-fill the bucket again and picks up the fish. All this without glancing at me. And I try not to give a stuff.

  At the old jetty I help pull the boat in, onto the trailer, but I still don’t say anything. Some things go too deep. Besides, it’s all over now. Dev can keep the fish too.

  It’s when I turn to go that Dev calls me. I almost don’t stop, bugger him. I stand still for just a second, considering, but it’s long enough for Dev to start talking.

  ‘Mate, I’ll tell you why I came.’ Well, whoopi-do. I feel as hard as a lighthouse inside, all shut up. I let Dev have the full effect of what that feeling looks like on my face. Let him tell me then. What do I care?

  Dev’s playing with his goatee, glancing up at me on the slope. For a second I think he’s scared. Nah. I make a movement to go and Dev rushes in.

  ‘I had a kid once.’ Then he pauses. ‘It was my fault he died.’

  I stand my ground. Yeah, tough, but it’s got nothing to do with me.

  ‘I just wanted a second chance. Then I heard about the ad. Mate, it was for you I came.’ Dev’s actually looking sad. Big deal – it’s not for me he’s sad, it’s for that other kid. Second best. I’m always second best. Dev makes some movement with his arm then, and I’m out of there fast.

  It’s later, on my bed, when I think about it some more. I think about what Dev called out as I rushed off. ‘Don’t shut me out. We need each other.’ Do we really? I need a dad, sure. That’s obvious, but does Dev need me? And why? I want it to be because he cares, not because of some mistake he’s made. What about Rogue’s Point? I reckon he cared then. And tonight – Dev didn’t have to tell me all that, did he? It’s weird, like Dev’s finally let me look inside the box. But why?

  There’s not much point thinking about it any more. How’s Dev going to like me anyway after today?

  Mei

  I saw Joel and Dev Eagle today. On old Mr Billings’ boat. They didn’t look too pally. I hope Joel doesn’t get his dream squashed too quick. He always gets so excited over something and then it doesn’t take long to wear thin. It’s like he sees things a different colour to everyone else until his eyes start to focus. I mean, who in their right mind would do half the stuff Joel does? And what if Dev gets on the wrong side of him? Even though Joel comes across like he’s daring you to treat him bad, he doesn’t want it really.

  I think his gran lets a bit slide. I do too really because I see this other side of him that no one else does. His eyes aren’t always hard and expressionless; when he looks at me they aren’t anyway. Sometimes I just try to keep him happy – he’s so cool when he’s happy. Anything can change it though like that time he suddenly realised Prescott was wearing his hat. He went berserk. Ms Colby couldn’t do a thing with him. When he’s like that he reminds me of the movie we saw: Jekyll and Hyde.

  Guess it’s that changeableness that’s exciting. No one’s like that in my family – it’s good old self-control and doing the right thing in this house. Mum would never let me roam around after dark like Joel gets to do. He’s a bit like Heathcliff. I’m reading Wuthering Heights now. Mum says I’m too young for it.

  I like the way Joel can suddenly do things. You’d never know he wasn’t good at school by talking to him – except for that time we were in the gift shop and he didn’t know what twenty per cent off would’ve been and he walked out rather than ask. He bought that same thing in another shop for ten dollars more. I keep off the subject of maths. He gets real touchy.

  Wish I could think of something else to write about than Joel Billings. I don’t think it’s going to get me anywhere. I’m sure he thinks I’m a useless girl, only worth his protection (which I don’t need). I don’t know what could ever change that.

  I hope Dev Eagle doesn’t mess him up. Maybe I should tell Mrs Billings. Wish I knew what to do. If it wasn’t for all those tatts and black leather – I mean he could be a criminal or something. Though he was nice to me the other day. Made sense really. Not what you’d expect a biker to say at all.

  15

  Next morning I wake up before the sun. I’m pulling on my black jeans and T-shirt and I know this will be a better day. It’s something I can never explain, though Gran accepts it now – some days are just better than others. I have to get to Dev. How could I have ever thought last night that I can have a life without Dev as
a dad? The secret bit has to go though. The other day after fishing on the beach, I had to go into Housers’ shop by myself to get our Cokes. I can’t be seen with him or Gran will find out. Everybody tells everything in a town like this. All in the cause of what’s best for everyone concerned, of course. It makes me snort just thinking about it. Sure it was exciting at first, having a secret, but since Dev said all that last night – well, it’s different now. Dev’s got an ‘inside’, something that might hurt, and I don’t want to make it any worse.

  I’m a bit nervous. What will Dev say now it’s morning? He might have thought better of the ‘needing each other’ bit. Dev sees me before I get down to the rocks. He’s having a wash and hasn’t done his hair yet. It’s the first time I’ve seen it down past his ears – long, but not as long as the Sikhs’ hair on Mr Pham’s trawler before they put their turbans on.

  It’s hard saying sorry and I don’t exactly say the words but Dev knows why I’ve come. ‘It’s okay. We’re mates. We’ll take the good with the bad, ol’ son.’

  The ‘ol’ son’ bit makes me wince. It’s just a phrase, but it makes me wonder again how long Dev will hang around. Surely he has a life of his own somewhere, and at no time has either of us said this is forever. I wish it was.

  It’s time. I’ve told Gran I’m bringing someone for tea. Bet Gran thinks it’s Mei – well, let the bomb drop. I’m going to need Gran’s permission to go public in the fishing competition with Dev. But it’s not just the competition. I want Dev out in the open, whatever it costs. He’s worth it, a real keeper. Last week I mightn’t have risked Gran’s reaction to Dev but now it’ll be okay for sure. I mean, Dev’s a bit of a shock when you first see him but once he starts talking he’s okay. How could they not like him?

  As it turns out it’s Gran who shocks the rest of us. Except maybe Dev. We’ve just reached the back step. Gran opens the door with her ‘strangers are dangerous’ frown in place and I’m hoping Dev hasn’t noticed, when her expression totally changes. Eureka! Just like that. The harsh lines smooth out, her mouth curls at both corners like it does when I bring home lots of fish.

  ‘Dev! I didn’t know Joel’s mystery person was you.’ Jumping dolphins! My mouth gapes as Gran ushers Dev inside. Dev’s grinning as he takes off his jacket. Gran doesn’t seem to notice the tatts. So it hasn’t been as hard as I’d feared. I could’ve brought him sooner.

  ‘How come you know him, Gran?’ We’ve reached the kitchen. We’re all smiling. There’s no signal of the trouble ahead. Zoe’s there. When she sees Dev her face suddenly stiffens and pales. Her face is worse than any of Gran’s ‘stranger danger’ looks. It’s time for me to start getting worried again.

  Gran goes on, ‘I met him in the food mart today. He was so helpful, weren’t you, Dev dear.’

  Dev dear? Even I gulp. Zoe snorts. It’s not pretty. And then she lets fly.

  ‘Smarming up to Gran now, is it? I know your type. All out for what you can get. Well, I’m not fooled, even if she is.’

  ‘Now Zoe—’ Gran’s trying to hush her, but Zoe’s attention is on Dev; she pushes Gran, actually pushes her out of the way!

  ‘You’re in with Scott, aren’t you? If you touch Joel I’ll have the police down on you so hard you won’t even see the light of day. Ever. Nor will Scott.’

  ‘Zoe—’ Gran’s still trying to be kind. I can’t work out why she’s bothering. Zoe has that sound in her voice like Mei gets before she cries and I’m starting to smell the burning up of all my dreams.

  Dev’s reaching for his jacket. ‘I think I’d better go.’

  ‘No!’ Everything’s going wrong. Again! I hang onto his arm. ‘No. You can’t go.’

  ‘It’s best, mate. I’ll come another time. When things are better.’

  Zoe sneers. When I look at her I don’t know her. Who is she anyway, mucking everything up like this? Zoe’s practically choking she’s so wild. ‘There’ll never be a better time.’

  Poor Gran’s trying to smooth things over with ‘try not to mind’ type phrases, but as Dev goes out the back door, I suddenly flip. This isn’t just bolting horses. I’m being bucked off and I sure as hell don’t like it. Nor could I stop it if I tried. I swing round on Zoe.

  ‘Who do you think you are! You can’t ruin my friends like this!’

  ‘Joel, there are things you don’t understand.’

  Even Gran murmurs at Zoe although she doesn’t sound as sure as before. ‘Surely you don’t think he has anything to do with Scott? He seems so nice.’

  Zoe laughs but it’s a terrible sound. ‘Scott does his job well, even from inside. And look at that bloke. Does he look like a guy that’s hanging round a kid for the fun of it?’ I stiffen. It’s the wrong thing to say.

  ‘Dev’s okay. He likes me. And you sure as hell don’t! You’re ruining everything. You’re just a stupid bitch! I wish you never came here. I hate you!’ Just before I run out I have this hazy recollection of both their faces gaping wide, Zoe’s stricken with horror. Well good. She needs to be told. Dev’s all that matters now.

  I find him down on the rocks, just sitting. His hair’s wet, out of its plait, his jacket’s off. He doesn’t stir as I sit beside him. So I say nothing. We just listen to the suction of the water between the rocks, the level of the sea rising, then retreating, the sounds lulling, calming.

  Until the thumping in my head has gone.

  ‘Didn’t go so well, eh, mate?’ Dev’s still staring at the water. ‘You sure Zoe’s not your sister?’

  ‘Nuh. Why?’

  ‘She acts like one – like a wolf protecting a cub. Guess I should’ve known this wouldn’t work.’

  ‘What won’t work?’ I suddenly feel like Shawn Houser’s hands are tightening around my neck. Panic rises. Except this is worse; at least I know how to get rid of hands around my neck. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Being your pretend dad and all. There’s more to it and I should’ve thought more—’

  ‘But it’s okay. I want you to be.’

  ‘Your family doesn’t.’

  ‘Don’t I count? Besides Zoe’s not family and Gran’ll be okay. She was happy to see you.’

  ‘She won’t be now. I think Zoe knows something about me.’

  ‘Like about your kid, you mean?’

  Dev sighs as though he is hauling cargo off a ship in a storm and the loss of it would be too great.

  ‘Do you know where your father is, mate?’

  ‘I don’t have one.’ Except you, I wish I had the guts to say.

  He turns to me then. ‘Everyone has a biological father, mate.’

  ‘I don’t know about him.’ An image of Shawn Houser mouthing off comes to mind. ‘All I heard at school was that he went to jail years ago.’

  ‘What did your gran say?’

  ‘I never asked. I didn’t want to know if it was true.’

  Dev’s quiet a bit after that.

  ‘Can people change, Dev? In jail? Do you think if my dad was there, he could change?’

  ‘I don’t know about him, mate. But I did.’

  ‘You – You were in—?’ Gran would have a fit. Maybe Dev’s right and Zoe’s found out. No wonder she spat the dummy. I wonder what he was in for but I don’t ask – I know what this feels like. I never like kids asking why I’m in the focus room at lunch. I find something simple to talk about. ‘Why did you get eagles?’

  Dev shifts his position on the rock. ‘Because eagles fly alone.’

  ‘Were you in a club?’

  ‘Once. I liked the good stuff, belonging and all that, but I still liked to be myself. I didn’t like having to stick up for someone who’d do something I wouldn’t have, just because he was part of the club. There’s always one that thinks they can get away with anything because of that protection. I tried to leave but it wasn’t the kind of club you left easily. There was an accident. M
y wife and kid were on the bike with me. It was my fault in a way. I lost everything – my wife, my kid, my club, my freedom . . .’

  ‘You went to jail for that?’

  ‘Manslaughter. When you’re a biker it’s presumed there’s something else going on, and there were things I couldn’t say.’

  ‘But that’s not fair. You’re not like that. Look at the way you handle the fish. The things you say.’ There were other things too. The time we were walking along the jetty and a visitor to the area deliberately stepped in Dev’s path. Dev sidestepped yet he didn’t lower his gaze so that the other guy looked sheepish as he disappeared. Suddenly I realise something. ‘You don’t really like to fight, do you?’

  Dev turns to look me in the eye. ‘But what did you see first, mate? That? Or the leathers and the bike?’

  I don’t answer. Because it’s true. He does look kind of awesome when you first see him. So, maybe that’s all that’s bothering Zoe too – the biker stuff.

  ‘What was it like – in jail?’

  ‘Bloody awful. Except there was this little guy. He’d done something that the other guys used to beat him up for whenever they got the chance. But he never fought back. He believed in a power outside himself—’

  ‘God?’

  ‘Yeah. Said God loves us—’

  I snort. ‘God doesn’t love me. I get it wrong all the time.’

  ‘This guy said God loves us no matter what we’ve done. The other guys laughed at that – him believing in God and still ending up inside, but he was the only one I could count on in there. Guess you can change in jail.’