Journey to Love

by Susan Thomas

  Colum looked puzzled. "Well don't your family want you back for Christmas?"

  "My mum is dead. She died back in the summer."

  Colum was genuinely just curious and didn't notice the frowns and glares he was getting from the rest of the family. He liked Kathy and wanted to find out about her.

  "No other family? No dad?"

  "My mum's parents live in Spain but they disowned her because they didn't approve of her marriage."

  She could sense the interest around the room. No father had been mentioned before and they had assumed her mother had some sort of one night stand or brief affair. Colum ploughed on just curious about the girl who had read his son's story so brilliantly. "So did your dad die too?" Kathy took a deep breath. This was the moment of truth. She could evade no longer. Up to now they had tiptoed around this subject and she hadn't needed to answer a single question but this had to be answered.

  "No, he ran out on my mum when I was six-months old, so she went back to England and her parents just told her she had made her bed and she must lie on it. She was brilliant, I see that now. She eventually made a good life for us both."

  This last statement had created an air of tension she had never felt before. She could sense every adult sitting stiffly, watching her intently.

  "Went back to England." Colum was soft and clearly just intrigued by her. He just wanted to know. "Where was she then?"

  "New York state. She married an American."

  Kathy heard a gasp from Madge who looked white faced and was trembling. There was silence in the room as the children picked up the adult tension.

  Matt Anderton looked shaky but he asked, "What's your surname, Kathy?"

  ---oOo---

  "Anderton," she replied in a steady voice, her eyes fixed on Madge and Matt.

  "Wait." Madge's voice was almost a scream. "Wait, nobody move." She rushed from the room.

  She came rushing back clutching an old photograph. She showed it to Kathy who recognised it as her mother's only photograph of her wedding day.

  "Is that your mom?"

  "Yes that's my mum. That's her wedding day. I have that picture, it's the only one I have of my father."

  Madge stood shaking. "She's Kevin's baby. She's Kevin's baby. Oh my... Kathy's our granddaughter."

  All the adults were shocked and stunned into silence. The younger ones agog at the adult drama unfolding right in front of them. Matt Anderton looked at the photo and looked at Kathy before finally he spoke quietly. "Did you know?"

  Kathy felt an unearthly calm come over her. She knew she'd have to go but first she'd have her say. "Yes I knew. When my mum died my church looked after me but I was angry that strangers cared more than my own family. My mum's parents sat in their smug ex-pat villa in Spain and never answered the notification of mum's death but they sent a wreath, 'From Mummy and Daddy'. A wreath." The contempt in Kathy's voice was painful to hear. "And where were my father's family? Nowhere of course, just as they had been all along. So I looked up my father's details. I wanted to know about him. I didn't want to know you or want anything from you I was just wanted to know, and then I found the college. It was perfect for me, so perfect I had to apply. I came to the church not because I wanted to meet you but because it was a family church. You," Kathy looked at Matt, "introduced yourself to me remember. The 'go to guy'... go to guy indeed. My mum couldn't go to you, she had to fend for herself." Matt flinched at her tone and the memory. "Then you invited me here. I nearly refused but I thought I might find an explanation, perhaps even find the man that abandoned my mother. I'd still like five minutes alone with him. I didn't get it, you were all nice to me a stranger, and then Olivia and I became friends. I was confused but still hoping to find answers. There were no answers but now it's all come out and I'm sorry I've spoilt your Christmas Eve. I'll go, it was a mistake to come."

  Kathy strode out of the room ignoring calls for her to wait up. She flew up the stairs and into her room locking the door behind. She was in a rage inside, boiling at how stupid she had been to come here. Now she'd go to a motel, drink a cup of loneliness and cry for her mum. She packed her bag unaware that the tears were already flowing down her cheeks. There was a gentle knock at the door.

  "Kathy it's me, Madge. Please open the door and let me in. There is no one else here just me. I have something you should see. You wanted answers. If you look at what I have, you'll get answers."

  Kathy had finished packing her bag so she had to open the door anyway. She opened up and found a white-faced Madge standing anxiously holding a thick folder.

  What?" Kathy was rude but no longer cared.

  "Read through this. It's in date order. Just read through it. I'll stand here. No one else will come up."

  Kathy took the folder, curiosity overcoming her. She sat on the bed and opened it. Madge shut the door and stood with her back to it looking at Kathy anxiously. The first item was an old letter from her father dated 1995 telling his parents he had met and married a wonderful girl. Kathy read the letter twice. He didn't tell them anything about her, not even her name, but promised he'd bring his bride home 'real soon'.

  "The photograph came with that letter," Madge spoke softly.

  Kathy nodded and continued to look through. Next was a letter telling them that his wife was going to have a baby and again that promise he'd bring her home 'real soon' when they were more settled. Then came a long letter full of guilt, remorse and self-pity explaining he had failed as a son, a husband and as a father, he couldn't do it anymore and he was leaving his wife. It still said nothing about her mum or even about her. She looked back over the three letters and there was no mention of her mum's name or hers or even whether the baby was a boy or girl. She looked up at Madge, puzzled, but Madge nodded at her to read on. She turned to the next paper. It wasn't a letter from her father it was a search for the marriage record. It had failed. She turned documents over one by one. They were all records of searches made by Matt and Madge; letters written to churches for help and information, official letters saying no record had been found.

  Finally in 1999 they had found the record of the marriage that had taken place in a small Oregon town. Kathy hadn't known that, she had been born in New York State and assumed that was where they married. Now the records showed they searched the country for Annie Holt or Annie Anderton and even for Kevin Anderton, but all searches were fruitless. They had still been searching this year and all without result. They had not even found the record of their granddaughter's birth.

  Madge could see that Kathy had finished reading but was still just sitting there on the bed still with tears flowing silently down her cheeks. She went and sat down beside the girl. "We never thought to look in Britain."

  Kathy's tears streamed faster and she began to mutter, "You did search for mum. You did search for mum. You did search for mum. Mum..." Kathy felt a huge bubble deep down inside her, it seemed to be growing and moving up as if it was going to explode out of her mouth and suddenly she began to wail. "Mummy! Mummy! I want my mummy. Mummy I want you." Great racking sobs burst out of her and she sat there rocking and howling.

  Madge grabbed her and held her tightly as Kathy howled, oblivious to anything. In the depths of her mind Madge knew what it was. Kathy had locked down the grief she felt at her mother's death and it was now coming out. Madge held her crying granddaughter, rocking her gently as her own tears flowed unheeded. Madge kept no track of time, she just held her granddaughter tightly and waited. Eventually Kathy quietened down and Madge moved her so she could see her face. Kathy was exhausted, she had spent herself in grief.

  "Have a lie down Kathy, just take a little rest for a while."

  Unresisting, Kathy lay down on the bed and Madge covered her over. Within a minute her granddaughter was fast asleep. Madge stood wearily, rubbing her own face free of tears she went to the door and opened it. Matt was standing anxiously in the corridor.

  "She knows the truth and it's released her grief. She must have locked it do
wn tight trying to be strong like her mom. My guess is she's never cried before. She forgets her mom probably cried plenty when she was a babe. She's sleeping now, exhausted."

  "Want something to eat?"

  "No thanks. I'm going to sit with her but I'd like a long cool drink and best get a jug of iced water and glass for Kathy. She must have cried all her liquid out, she'll be thirsty when she wakes."

  Madge sat patiently watching her granddaughter as she slept. Eventually she saw her stir and reached over and stroked her hair. As Kathy woke, Madge poured her a glass of water and handed it to her. "Drink." The water was gulped down quickly. "More?" A nod and another glass disappeared. Finally a third glass was sipped and Kathy apologised for the fuss and said she'd go now.

  "No you won't. You're my granddaughter. I've been searching for eighteen long years. Do you think you get away that easy? I want to hear all about you, your growing up and your mom, everything. We all do. You're family Kathy, you can't just leave."

  It took Madge some time to convince Kathy she had to stay. Finally they went down together, to a room full of family.

  Madge announced, "This is Katherine Marie Anderton, our granddaughter. She was lost, but now is found. Kathy is scared we won't want her."

  Voices contradicted this ridiculous assumption and Olivia cried out, "You're not just my friend, you're my cousin. How great is that!" before rushing across the room and hugging her tightly.

  There was a lot of noise and emotion but it was Colin Murphy who broke it all. "If you're my cousin, will you read me another story?"

  It wasn't really funny but it was just what they all needed to break the tension and everyone began to laugh. Colin didn't really understand why but he was pleased everyone seemed happy again. After all, it was Christmas.

  ---oOo---

  Kathy had never known a Christmas day like that one. Before church she joined Madge, her two aunts and her cousins Olivia and Matilda in the kitchen. It was a traditional family - the women did the cooking and the men played with the younger kids. They worked well together and if Madge stuck very close to Kathy and kept touching her then her cousins understood and were happy for it. Most of the dishes were completely new to Kathy, and the variety and quantity bewildered her but she was able to help effectively. When the meal was prepared and various dishes baking in the oven it was time for church.

  The service was joyous one, nothing very solemn, a celebration of God's gift to man was how the Pastor Brad Hoctor put it. Jack shared taking the service with Pastor Brad so wasn't able to speak to the Andertons until after it was over. Matt made sure he got hold of Jack before he got locked in with too many others.

  "Jack, we need a word with you it is very important."

  "OK, I'm all ears."

  "No, in private. It's about Kathy."

  Jack looked anxious and his abrupt exit to his office trailed by Matt and Madge Anderson and Kathy the English girl, got the congregation's interest. What was going on?

  In the privacy of his office Jack looked anxiously at Kathy. "Are you OK?" She nodded. "Not ill?" Kathy shook her head.

  Matt interrupted this futile exchange. "Jack, yesterday we made an important discovery about Kathy."

  "What?" Jack looked very tense.

  "Kathy is our granddaughter, Katherine Marie Anderton. She is Kevin's daughter."

  Kathy couldn't help laughing at the expression on Jack's face. Back home she would have said he was gob-smacked, but what they said here she didn't know. How Jack followed the story told in bits and pieces by the three of them he wasn't sure, but eventually he got there. He had to hug all of them, Kathy several times and promised to tell Brad Hoctor. The story of the Anderton's long search for their missing daughter in law and grandchild was well known in the congregation and an announcement would have to be made as soon as possible.

  "The only thing I don't get," Matt was reflective and turned to Kathy, "is why your mom didn't come to us. She knew where Kevin came from."

  Jack sounded very like a pastor. "I can see why, Matt. Kathy's mom had never been allowed to meet with you. Kevin must have kept putting it off. He didn't even bring Kathy down to see you. I guess her mom thought he was ashamed of them in some way. Perhaps she thought you were low life or something. Anyway she had limited funds so rather than travel south she used them to go home. Makes sense to me."

  Christmas with the Andertons was like no Christmas Kathy had ever experienced before. The meal was more a banquet than a meal, with trays of relishes, some of which she'd never encountered before. There were salads, a baked ham, shrimp and fish dishes, vegetables she never seen before and even the ones she had were done differently. The desserts were so many, Kathy felt as if she had arrived at a patisserie. There was a Christmas fruit cake but not like the ones back home. There was no marzipan or icing on top but a rich array of candied fruits, but she loved the piece she had. There was so much food Kathy thought half the neighboured must be coming, but it was just the family and it was surprising how much of it was eaten.

  The noise and laughter was far more than Kathy experienced even in her previous visits, but there was also a warmth and love that she never felt she wanted to escape from it all. Madge never seemed to take her eyes off her and after all the present giving she suddenly cried, "I have it. Louisa, come stand next to Kathy."

  Her aunt stood next to Kathy both puzzled while everyone stared at them. "There that's it. I kept looking at you when you first turned up at church thinking where I'd seen you before only of course I hadn't. Just look at their faces though. Give them the same hair colouring...."

  Now of course everyone could see the likeness and wondered why they'd not seen it before. That set everyone talking again about what a wonderful Christmas present it had been. Kathy noticed that her father Kevin was never mentioned once. It was clearly too painful to the family and they had long since exhausted anything productive to say. Later in the evening when the younger children had been put to bed - Kathy had been much in demand reading bedtime stories - Kathy and Madge sat quietly in a corner and Kathy broached the difficult subject of her father.

  Madge sighed and fetched a box before beginning, "Don't think too badly of him. He always meant well but he just couldn't deal with problems. Anything physical and he was great, fearless even. Tackles in football, anything like that and he was there strong as a lion. Responsibility, problems and emotional issues he couldn't handle. He married your mom on an impulse I dare say, swept her away with his good looks and his talk of a future. That's my Kevin right enough and she would have been good for him if he had the sense God gave him - a strong woman your mom. I don't have to have known her to know that. Mark you she would have got tired of him in the end I dare say. A woman shouldn't be the leader in her family, no way, makes her shrill and bitter if she has to. I guess he found it hard to make a living and handle a baby and in his mind he probably thought she was better off without him. If only he had brought you both to us.

  "This is all we have of him. Every year around Christmas, usually a bit before but sometimes after, we get a Christmas card. They come from all around the world but we have no idea what he is doing. Always says the same thing in them - he's sorry, he's well and hopes we are too. Matt get so angry when they arrive but me...I sit and look and hope. I'm sorry Kathy. He is my son and wrong though he is I love him still."

  Kathy began to look through the cards and then stared at the envelopes seeing all the countries in the world they came from. It was the post mark 'Felixstowe' with a British stamp that had her going back over the envelopes.

  "He's a seaman," she said at last. "Look at the post marks. Tauranga in New Zealand, it's a port. Talara in Peru - a port. Jeju City South Korea, that's a port too. "Geography A-level," she told Madge who looked puzzled how she knew. "Very boring. He is a seaman and when it gets near Christmas he sends you a card from whichever port he lands in."

  Matt had to be told of course, but what were they to do with that information? It explained the c
ards and what he was doing but not how they might find him, and Matt was blunt. "Not sure I want him found. He is still running but he has to face what he did and stop running. Until he reaches that conclusion himself I'm not sure we can do much for him. Anyway he's still my son, and I wouldn't want to let Kathy loose on him without any warning!" He grinned. "My you're a strong minded girl. You're just like Madge. There's steel in you, girl and no mistake - the way you stood there and chewed us all out before stalking out of the room. I'm so proud of you."

  "I'm not Madge, I'm her grandma. Will you call me Grandma? Please Kathy, it would make me so happy."

  Kathy agreed without hesitation. She loved being part of a family and of course she had to call Matt Granddad. Matt then broached the subject of her college fees.

  "Our sons and sons-in-law don't need any help with the college funds for our other grandchildren. They're all doing well and are good with money all of them. You now are in a different position. Our Kevin is nowhere to be seen and your mom was a single mom without support. We've been putting money aside for you since we learned of your existence not that we knew you were a girl or anything."

  Kathy shook her head. "No, thank you very much, but no. Mum's estate is more than adequate and should, at the very worst, leave me some starting out money when I finish college. You're my grandparents not my parents. If ever my father makes an appearance I'd take money from him, not for my sake but my mum's. I'd probably give it to a children's charity but I'd take it right enough."

  They couldn't persuade her and in the end let the matter drop, but did insist she stay with them after Christmas was over and when the rest of the family had left. Martin's family didn't live in the town perimeter but right out on the edge virtually in the country. The Duvals lived fairly close to the college, making it easy for Kathy to meet Olivia, but neither the Duvals nor Martin's family went to the same church as Matt and Madge.

  It was nice staying with her grandparents until college re-opened. They sat and talked for hours at times. Kathy used her tablet and showed them photographs of her life. She talked of her mum, her friends, her schools. She showed the photos of the pantomimes she'd been in as a dancer. In the first, Jack and the Beanstalk, she would have been around five years old. Describing a pantomime to her grandparents was hard but eventually they got the idea. They in turn showed her pictures of her father but not only him the others too. Martin, they told her, was terribly angry with his brother and felt betrayed by him. They also sat with her when she talked on Skype with her friends and the vicar back at home. There was astonishment and delight that she had discovered her family and Kathy guessed the volume of talk there would be about it all back in her home town.