Works of W. W. Jacobs

by Jacobs, W. W.

  “‘I’m ruined,’ he ses in a ‘usky whisper; ‘I’m done for. Why was wimmen made? Wot good are they? Fancy ‘ow bright and ‘appy we should all be without ’em.’

  “‘I started to p’int out one or two things to ‘im that he seemed to ‘ave forgot, but ‘e wouldn’t listen. He was so excited that he didn’t seem to know wot ‘e was doing, and arter he ‘ad got three more ‘arf-pints waiting for me, all in a row on the counter, I ‘ad to ask ‘im whether he thought I was there to do conjuring tricks, or wot?’

  “‘There was a letter waiting for me in the office,’ he ses. ‘From Miss Lamb — she’s in London. She’s coming to pay me a surprise visit this evening — I know who’ll get the surprise. Mrs. Plimmer’s coming too.’

  “I gave ‘im one of my ‘arf-pints and made ‘im drink it. He chucked the pot on the floor when he ‘ad done, in a desprit sort o’ way, and ‘im and the landlord ‘ad a little breeze then that did ‘im more good than wot the beer ‘ad. When we came outside ‘e seemed more contented with ‘imself, but he shook his ‘ead and got miserable as soon as we got to the wharf agin.

  “‘S’pose they both come along at the same time,’ he ses. ‘Wot’s to be done?’

  “I shut the gate with a bang and fastened the wicket. Then I turned to ‘im with a smile.

  “‘I’m watchman ‘ere,’ I ses, ‘and I lets in who I thinks I will. This ain’t a public ‘ighway,’ I ses; ‘it’s a wharf.’

  “‘Bill,’ he ses, ‘you’re a genius.’

  “‘If Miss Lamb comes ‘ere asking arter you,’ I ses, ‘I shall say you’ve gone out for the evening.’

  “‘Wot about her letter?’ he ses.

  “‘You didn’t ‘ave it,’ I ses, winking at ‘im.

  “‘And suppose she waits about outside for me, and Mrs. Plimmer wants me to take ‘er out?’ he ses, shivering. ‘She’s a fearful obstinate woman; and she’d wait a week for me.’

  “He kept peeping up the road while we talked it over, and then we both see Mrs. Plimmer coming along. He backed on to the wharf and pulled out ‘is purse.

  “‘Bill,’ he ses, gabbling as fast as ‘e could gabble, ‘here’s five or six shillings. If the other one comes and won’t go away tell ‘er I’ve gone to the Pagoda Music-’all and you’ll take ‘er to me, keep ‘er out all the evening some’ow, if you can, if she comes back too soon keep ‘er in the office.’

  “‘And wot about leaving the wharf and my dooty?’ I ses, staring.

  “‘I’ll put Joe on to keep watch for you,’ he ses, pressing the money in my ‘and. ‘I rely on you, Bill, and I’ll never forget you. You won’t lose by it, trust me.’

  “He nipped off and tumbled aboard the ship afore I could say a word. I just stood there staring arter ‘im and feeling the money, and afore I could make up my mind Mrs. Plimmer came up.

  “I thought I should never ha’ got rid of ‘er. She stood there chatting and smiling, and seemed to forget all about the cap’n, and every moment I was afraid that the other one might come up. At last she went off, looking behind ‘er, to the ship, and then I went outside and put my back up agin the gate and waited.

  “I ‘ad hardly been there ten minutes afore the other one came along. I saw ‘er stop and speak to a policeman, and then she came straight over to me.

  “‘I want to see Cap’n Tarbell,’ she ses.

  “‘Cap’n Tarbell?’ I ses, very slow; ‘Cap’n Tarbell ‘as gone off for the evening.’

  “‘Gone off!’ she ses, staring. ‘But he can’t ‘ave. Are you sure?’

  “‘Sartain,’ I ses. Then I ‘ad a bright idea. ‘And there’s a letter come for ‘im,’ I ses.

  “‘Oh, dear!’ she ses. ‘And I thought it would be in plenty of time. Well, I must go on the ship and wait for ‘im, I suppose.’

  “If I ‘ad only let ‘er go I should ha’ saved myself a lot o’ trouble, and the man wot deserved it would ha’ got it. Instead o’ that I told ‘er about the music-’all, and arter carrying on like a silly gal o’ seventeen and saying she couldn’t think of it, she gave way and said she’d go with me to find ‘im. I was all right so far as clothes went as it happened. Mrs. Plimmer said once that I got more and more dressy every time she saw me, and my missis ‘ad said the same thing only in a different way. I just took a peep through the wicket and saw that Joe ‘ad taken up my dooty, and then we set off.

  “I said I wasn’t quite sure which one he’d gone to, but we’d try the Pagoda Music-’all fust, and we went there on a bus from Aldgate. It was the fust evening out I ‘ad ‘ad for years, and I should ‘ave enjoyed it if it ‘adn’t been for Miss Lamb. Wotever Cap’n Tarbell could ha’ seen in ‘er, I can’t think.

  “She was quiet, and stupid, and bad-tempered. When the bus-conductor came round for the fares she ‘adn’t got any change; and when we got to the hall she did such eggsterrordinary things trying to find ‘er pocket that I tried to look as if she didn’t belong to me. When she left off she smiled and said she was farther off than ever, and arter three or four wot was standing there ‘ad begged ‘er to have another try, I ‘ad to pay for the two.

  “The ‘ouse was pretty full when we got in, but she didn’t take no notice of that. Her idea was that she could walk about all over the place looking for Cap’n Tarbell, and it took three men in buttons and a policeman to persuade ‘er different. We were pushed into a couple o’ seats at last, and then she started finding fault with me.

  “‘Where is Cap’n Tarbell?’ she ses. ‘Why don’t you find him?’

  “‘I’ll go and look for ‘im in the bar presently,’ I ses. ‘He’s sure to be there, arter a turn or two.’

  “I managed to keep ‘er quiet for ‘arf an hour — with the ‘elp of the people wot sat near us — and then I ‘ad to go. I ‘ad a glass o’ beer to pass the time away, and, while I was drinking it, who should come up but the cook and one of the hands from the Lizzie and Annie.

  “‘We saw you,’ ses the cook, winking; ‘didn’t we Bob?’

  “‘Yes,’ ses Bob, shaking his silly ‘ead; ‘but it wasn’t no surprise to me. I’ve ‘ad my eye on ‘im for a long time past.’

  “‘I thought ‘e was married,’ ses the cook.

  “‘So he is,’ ses Bob, ‘and to the best wife in London. I know where she lives. Mine’s a bottle o’ Bass,’ he ses, turning to me.

  “‘So’s mine,’ ses the cook.

  “I paid for two bottles for ’em, and arter that they said that they’d ‘ave a whisky and soda apiece just to show as there was no ill-feeling.

  “‘It’s very good,’ ses Bob, sipping his, ‘but it wants a sixpenny cigar to go with it. It’s been the dream o’ my life to smoke a sixpenny cigar.’

  “‘So it ‘as mine,’ ses the cook, ‘but I don’t suppose I ever shall.’

  “They both coughed arter that, and like a goodnatured fool I stood ’em a sixpenny cigar apiece, and I ‘ad just turned to go back to my seat when up come two more hands from the Lizzie and Annie.

  “‘Halloa, watchman!’ ses one of ’em. ‘Why, I thought you was a-taking care of the wharf.’

  “‘He’s got something better than the wharf to take care of,’ ses Bob, grinning.

  “‘I know; we see ‘im,’ ses the other chap. ‘We’ve been watching ‘is goings-on for the last ‘arf-hour; better than a play it was.’

  “I stopped their mouths with a glass o’ bitter each, and went back to my seat while they was drinking it. I told Miss Lamb in whispers that ‘e wasn’t there, but I’d ‘ave another look for him by and by. If she’d ha’ whispered back it would ha’ been all right, but she wouldn’t, and, arter a most unpleasant scene, she walked out with her ‘ead in the air follered by me with two men in buttons and a policeman.

  “O’ course, nothing would do but she must go back to the wharf and wait for Cap’n Tarbell, and all the way there I was wondering wot would ‘appen if she went on board and found ‘im there with Mrs. Plimmer. However, when we got there I persuaded ‘er to go into
the office while I went aboard to see if I could find out where he was, and three minutes arterwards he was standing with me behind the galley, trembling all over and patting me on the back.

  “‘Keep ‘er in the office a little longer,’ he ses, in a whisper. ‘The other’s going soon. Keep ‘er there as long as you can.’

  “‘And suppose she sees you and Mrs. Plimmer passing the window?’ I ses.

  “‘That’ll be all right; I’m going to take ‘er to the stairs in the ship’s boat,’ he ses. ‘It’s more romantic.’

  “He gave me a little punch in the ribs, playfullike, and, arter telling me I was worth my weight in gold-dust, went back to the cabin agin.

  “I told Miss Lamb that the cabin was locked up, but that Cap’n Tarbell was expected back in about ‘arf-an-hour’s time. Then I found ‘er an old newspaper and a comfortable chair and sat down to wait. I couldn’t go on the wharf for fear she’d want to come with me, and I sat there as patient as I could, till a little clicking noise made us both start up and look at each other.

  “‘Wot’s that?’ she ses, listening.

  “‘It sounded,’ I ses ‘it sounded like somebody locking the door.’

  “I went to the door to try it just as somebody dashed past the window with their ‘ead down. It was locked fast, and arter I had ‘ad a try at it and Miss Lamb had ‘ad a try at it, we stood and looked at each other in surprise.

  “‘Somebody’s playing a joke on us,’ I ses.

  “‘Joke!’ ses Miss Lamb. ‘Open that door at once. If you don’t open it I’ll call for the police.’

  “She looked at the windows, but the iron bars wot was strong enough to keep the vans outside was strong enough to keep ‘er in, and then she gave way to such a fit o’ temper that I couldn’t do nothing with ‘er.

  “‘Cap’n Tarbell can’t be long now,’ I ses, as soon as I could get a word in. ‘We shall get out as soon as e comes.’

  “She flung ‘erself down in the chair agin with ‘er back to me, and for nearly three-quarters of an hour we sat there without a word. Then, to our joy, we ‘eard footsteps turn in at the gate. Quick footsteps they was. Somebody turned the handle of the door, and then a face looked in at the window that made me nearly jump out of my boots in surprise. A face that was as white as chalk with temper, and a bonnet cocked over one eye with walking fast. She shook ‘er fist at me, and then she shook it at Miss Lamb.

  “‘Who’s that?’ ses Miss Lamb.

  “‘My missis,’ I ses, in a loud voice. ‘Thank goodness she’s come.’

  “‘Open the door!’ ses my missis, with a screech.

  “‘OPEN THE DOOR!’

  “‘I can’t,’ I ses. ‘Somebody’s locked it. This is Cap’n Tarbell’s young lady.’

  “‘I’ll Cap’n Tarbell ‘er when I get in!’ ses my wife. ‘You too. I’ll music-’all you! I’ll learn you to go gallivanting about! Open the door!’

  “She walked up and down the alley-way in front of the window waiting for me just like a lion walking up and down its cage waiting for its dinner, and I made up my mind then and there that I should ‘ave to make a clean breast of it and let Cap’n Tarbell get out of it the best way he could. I wasn’t going to suffer for him.

  “‘Ow long my missis walked up and down there I don’t know. It seemed ages to me; but at last I ‘eard footsteps and voices, and Bob and the cook and the other two chaps wot we ‘ad met at the music’all came along and stood grinning in at the window.

  “‘Somebody’s locked us in,’ I ses. ‘Go and fetch Cap’n Tarbell.’

  “‘Cap’n Tarbell?’ ses the cook. ‘You don’t want to see ‘im. Why, he’s the last man in the world you ought to want to see! You don’t know ‘ow jealous he is.’

  “‘You go and fetch ‘im, I ses. ‘‘Ow dare you talk like that afore my wife!’

  “‘I dursen’t take the responserbility,’ ses the cook. ‘It might mean bloodshed.’

  “‘You go and fetch ‘im,’ ses my missis. ‘Never mind about the bloodshed. I don’t. Open the door!’

  “She started banging on the door agin, and arter talking among themselves for a time they moved off to the ship. They came back in three or four minutes, and the cook ‘eld up something in front of the window.

  “‘The boy ‘ad got it,’ he ses. ‘Now shall I open the door and let your missis in, or would you rather stay where you are in peace and quietness?’

  “I saw my missis jump at the key, and Bob and the others, laughing fit to split their sides, ‘olding her back. Then I heard a shout, and the next moment Cap’n Tarbell came up and asked ’em wot the trouble was about.

  “They all started talking at once, and then the cap’n, arter one look in at the window, threw up his ‘ands and staggered back as if ‘e couldn’t believe his eyesight. He stood dazed-like for a second or two, and then ‘e took the key out of the cook’s ‘and, opened the door, and walked in. The four men was close be’ind ‘im, and, do all she could, my missis couldn’t get in front of ’em.

  “‘Watchman!’ he ses, in a stuck-up voice, ‘wot does this mean? Laura Lamb! wot ‘ave you got to say for yourself? Where ‘ave you been all the evening?’

  “‘She’s been to a music-’all with Bill,’ ses the cook. ‘We saw ’em.’

  “‘WOT?’ ses the cap’n, falling back again. ‘It can’t be!’

  “‘It was them,’ ses my wife. ‘A little boy brought me a note telling me. You let me go; it’s my husband, and I want to talk to ‘im.’

  “‘It’s all right,’ I ses, waving my ‘and at Miss Lamb, wot was going to speak, and smiling at my missis, wot was trying to get at me.

  “‘We went to look for you,’ ses Miss Lamb, very quick. ‘He said you were at the music-’all, and as you ‘adn’t got my letter I thought it was very likely.’

  “‘But I did get your letter,’ ses the cap’n.

  “‘He said you didn’t,’ ses Miss Lamb.

  “‘Look ‘ere,’ I ses. ‘Why don’t you keep quiet and let me explain? I can explain everything.’

  “‘I’m glad o’ that, for your sake, my man,’ ses the cap’n, looking at me very hard. ‘I ‘ope you will be able to explain ‘ow it was you came to leave the wharf for three hours.’

  “I saw it all then. If I split about Mrs. Plimmer, he’d split to the guv’nor about my leaving my dooty, and I should get the sack. I thought I should ha’ choked, and, judging by the way they banged me on the back, Bob and the cook thought so too. They ‘elped me to a chair when I got better, and I sat there ‘elpless while the cap’n went on talking.

  “‘I’m no mischief-maker,’ he ses; ‘and, besides, p’r’aps he’s been punished enough. And as far as I’m concerned he can take this lady to a music-’all every night of the week if ‘e likes. I’ve done with her.’

  “There was an eggsterrordinary noise from where my missis was standing; like the gurgling water makes sometimes running down the kitchen sink at ‘ome, only worse. Then they all started talking together, and ‘arf-a-dozen times or more Miss Lamb called me to back ‘er up in wot she was saying, but I only shook my ‘ead, and at last, arter tossing her ‘ead at Cap’n Tarbell and telling ‘im she wouldn’t ‘ave ‘im if he’d got fifty million a year, the five of ’em ‘eld my missis while she went off.

  “They gave ‘er ten minutes’ start, and then Cap’n Tarbell, arter looking at me and shaking his ‘ead, said he was afraid they must be going.

  “‘And I ‘ope this night’ll be a lesson to you,’ he ses. ‘Don’t neglect your dooty again. I shall keep my eye on you, and if you be’ave yourself I sha’n’t say anything. Why, for all you know or could ha’ done the wharf might ha’ been burnt to the ground while you was away!’

  “He nodded to his crew, and they all walked out laughing and left me alone — with the missis.”

  FAIRY GOLD

  “Come and have a pint and talk it over,” said Mr. Augustus Teak. “I’ve got reasons in my ‘ead that you don’t dream of, Alf.”


  Mr. Chase grunted and stole a side-glance at the small figure of his companion. “All brains, you are, Gussie,” he remarked. “That’s why it is you’re so well off.”

  “Come and have a pint,” repeated the other, and with surprising ease pushed his bulky friend into the bar of the “Ship and Anchor.” Mr. Chase, mellowed by a long draught, placed his mug on the counter and eyeing him kindly, said —

  “I’ve been in my lodgings thirteen years.”

  “I know,” said Mr. Teak; “but I’ve got a partikler reason for wanting you. Our lodger, Mr. Dunn, left last week, and I only thought of you yesterday. I mentioned you to my missis, and she was quite pleased. You see, she knows I’ve known you for over twenty years, and she wants to make sure of only ‘aving honest people in the ‘ouse. She has got a reason for it.”

  He closed one eye and nodded with great significance at his friend.

  “Oh!” said Mr. Chase, waiting.

  “She’s a rich woman,” said Mr. Teak, pulling the other’s ear down to his mouth. “She—”

  “When you’ve done tickling me with your whiskers,” said Mr. Chase, withdrawing his head and rubbing his ear vigorously, “I shall be glad.”

  Mr. Teak apologized. “A rich woman,” he repeated. “She’s been stinting me for twenty-nine years and saving the money — my money! — money that I ‘ave earned with the sweat of my brow. She ‘as got over three ‘undred pounds!”

  “‘Ow much?” demanded Mr. Chase.

  “Three ‘undred pounds and more,” repeated the other; “and if she had ‘ad the sense to put it in a bank it would ha’ been over four ‘undred by this time. Instead o’ that she keeps it hid in the ‘Ouse.”

  “Where?” inquired the greatly interested Mr. Chase.

  Mr. Teak shook his head. “That’s just what I want to find out,” he answered. “She don’t know I know it; and she mustn’t know, either. That’s important.”

  “How did you find out about it, then?” inquired his friend.

  “My wife’s sister’s husband, Bert Adams, told me. His wife told ‘im in strict confidence; and I might ‘ave gone to my grave without knowing about it, only she smacked his face for ‘im the other night.”