Paper Airplanes

by Monica Alexander

  “You’re going to talk to Jared, aren’t you?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I need to. Is that okay?”

  “Yeah, I think you should. You guys need to figure your shit out. He’s been brooding all week, and you’ve been in a bad mood. You’re like two wrongs making an even bigger wrong.”

  “I know. I just need to talk to him and figure out what I need to do. I want to fix this thing between us.”

  “Just kiss him and tell him you love him. It’s what he wants. I have no idea why he backed off after Fourth of July, but there’s no way he’s not into you. He’s been watching you all week when you weren’t looking. He doesn’t look at anyone else that way.”

  I thought about how he’d been watching me earlier in the day. But then he’d been a jerk. I honestly wasn’t sure what to think. I hoped Marley was right.

  “Either way, good luck. I’ll see you soon,” she said as she hugged me.

  Then she walked toward where Scott was parked. I watched her until she closed the door and they backed out of the space. Soon they were flying out of the parking lot, and I was left all alone.

  So I climbed into my car and drove home, debating whether or not to call Jared or aim for the element of surprise by showing up at his house. I figured surprise was best since he’d have a harder time telling me he didn’t want to talk if I was standing on his doorstep.

  I was glad to see his truck in the driveway, so I walked around back to the pool house where he lived. I’d only been inside once, but it was a cute and cozy house with one bedroom, a living room and a kitchen. I saw a light on from outside, so I knocked on the door. A few seconds later, Jared opened the door, surprise registering on his face when he saw me standing there.

  “Cassie?”

  All animosity from earlier was gone as he stared at me in confusion.

  I smiled. “Hey.”

  God, I was so nervous. My heart was practically pounding out of my chest. I told myself that it was just Jared, but seeing him standing there, his dark hair tousled in that sexy way he always wore it, his blue eyes on me, his frame filling the doorway, only made my stomach churn even more.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked, folding his arms across his chest. He was so guarded, and I hated that.

  “We need to talk,” I said firmly, hoping my voice didn’t sound as shaky as it felt.

  “Yeah, I know,” he said resolutely. He hesitated for a second, but then he stepped back. “Do you want to come in?”

  “Please,” I said, as I stepped across the threshold, trying to stop myself from telling him I loved him and pulling him into my arms. I needed to play this just right and make sure that he wasn’t going to get scared and push me away again.

  I walked past him into the living room where I noticed he was watching a rerun of The Big Bang Theory. The television was muted, so I couldn’t hear it, and I saw his laptop sitting open on the coffee table.

  “Were you writing?” I asked, feeling him behind me even though he hadn’t said a word since I’d come inside.

  “Yeah, I was. I’m working on a new book.”

  I turned and smiled. I couldn’t help it. “That’s so cool. I just finished your first one this morning. You’ll have to let me know when this one’s done so I can read it.”

  He couldn’t mask the surprise in his eyes when I said that since I hadn’t even told him I was reading his book. In truth it had taken me a while, and maybe I’d been embarrassed that he’d think I was a slow reader, or maybe it was just because I wanted to tell him how amazing it had been after I was completely done with it. But I’d loved it, especially the love story that had transpired between the two main characters. I’d never realized Jared had a romantic side until I read those parts of the book. They’d thrown me for a loop.

  “Did you like it?” he asked softly. The look on his face made me think he might be about to break out in hives.

  “Before you freak out, I thought it was great,” I told him, trying to sound as genuine as possible so he’d believe me. “You’re really talented.”

  “Thank you,” he said softly, a light blush coloring his cheeks. I loved that he got embarrassed so easily even though I knew he hated it.

  “So what’s the new book about?”

  His expression darkened all of a sudden. “It’s a love triangle between a werewolf, a human girl and a jock,” he said flatly.

  “Sounds good. I can’t wait to read it,” I told him, trying to keep things light. I wasn’t sure why things had suddenly shifted between us.

  “Yeah, I’m sure you can relate,” he muttered, and I gave him a confused look. He didn’t say anything else for a few seconds, but then he changed the subject on me. “I thought you were going to a party tonight.”

  “I was. I mean, I am, I guess, but I wanted to come here first.”

  “Well, don’t let me keep you,” he said, his demeanor back to how it had been over the past week. He was sullen and guarded once more. I had no idea what I’d done.

  “What’s your deal?” I spat out, a solid mix of confused and just downright pissed.

  His face had shifted into a placid expression that gave little to nothing away, but I could see the turmoil in his eyes. Had I not known him so well, I would have overlooked it, but that wasn’t the case. Having spent almost every day with him for six weeks, I felt like I knew him better than myself sometimes. He usually kept his emotions safe-guarded, his poker face intact, but he couldn’t do that with me anymore.

  He sighed and ran his hand back through his hair. “Nothing,” he said, but I didn’t believe him.

  “Then why have you been pushing me away all week? Why are you pushing me away now?”

  “Because I needed space,” he said, and I didn’t buy it. There was more to it than that.

  “Why?”

  Jared didn’t say anything. He just looked away and shook his head.

  “Jared, I don’t know what to think anymore,” I pleaded with him. “You tell me you like me, that you want the same things as me, but then you keep pushing me away. I don’t know what I did.”

  I felt my shoulders slump, the exhaustion I’d felt from agonizing over this for two weeks closing in on me.

  He sighed. “Cassie, I just think we need some distance,” he said, his gaze shifting back to mine. “I don’t want you to make a decision for the wrong reasons. I don’t want to be the guy you choose because right now you think I’m who you need.”

  What the hell?

  “What are you talking about?” I asked, feeling like he’d punched me in the gut all of a sudden. “If you remember, I’m the one who hit on you two weeks ago when we were swimming, and I’m the one who kissed you on the Fourth of July. And you pushed me away! What would make you think I’d want to be with you for the wrong reasons?”

  “I just do, okay? Call it a six sense.”

  What the hell was going on? I could see in his eyes that he was fighting how he felt. Why was he fighting it? It was what we both wanted. It didn’t make any sense. Why was he trying to push me away?

  “Bullshit. You don’t have a six sense, and even if you did, it sucks.”

  I watched the corner of his mouth twitch as if he was trying not to laugh, but then he ran his hand through his hair in frustration.

  “Cassie, I don’t know what to think anymore, okay? You’ve been different since Marley got here, and I don’t know who the real you is. You went from being cool and laid back to, well, basically the girl I remember you being in high school. And I hated that girl. Just seeing you flirting with those asshole jocks last weekend, it made me think that no matter how much I like you, we’ll never work in the long run, and I’d rather get out now before I get hurt. I already dated one girl who broke my heart. I don’t want to do it again.”

  And suddenly everything made sense. It was exactly what Brooke had said was bothering him, and I seriously wanted to smack him.

  “So let me get this straight, you think that just because you saw me having
fun and smiling with people I used to be friends with that I’m going to break your heart? That doesn’t even make any sense, Jared.”

  “Cassie, I know what happened to you was incredibly traumatic. Trust me, I lived it, and something like that will make you rethink your priorities, but you don’t just do a one-eighty. Girls like you don’t date guys like me. It just doesn’t happen. They date guys like Kyle or Andre.”

  I threw my hands up in the air. I was so frustrated with him. “Are you kidding me right now? I am a different person. You’ve spent half a summer with me. You know me! Why in the hell would you think I’d want to date Kyle or Andre after I’ve been throwing myself at you for weeks? I was just flirting with them! It was completely harmless! It meant nothing! Jared, I kissed you last week. I kissed you. And I kissed you, because I wanted to, because I like you – so much. You’re the only guy I want, and that’s not going to change. I’d rather kiss my shoe that kiss Kyle or Andre – now or in the future. Hell, I tried to shove Andre’s head in a toilet!”

  That made Jared stop short. “You did what?”

  I threw my hands up. “I was trying to get back at him for doing it to you and Scott in high school. I was so pissed when you told me that, so I cornered him in the bathroom at the party last weekend and tried to shove his head in a toilet.”

  I saw a tiny smirk curl the edges of Jared’s mouth. “You did?” he asked, the amusement in his voice obvious.

  “Yes, I did, but it didn’t work, so I just slapped him instead.”

  Jared’s eyebrows shot up. “You slapped him?”

  “Yes, because he told me it was funny to shove your head in a toilet after Brock peed in it, and I wasn’t okay with that.”

  “It wasn’t my head,” he said quickly. “It was Scott’s.”

  “Same difference!” I said, throwing my hands up again. “I don’t care who they did it to, it was wrong!”

  “I can’t believe you did that,” he said, the mental image I was sure he was seeing in his head making his eyes light up even though he was doing his best to keep his expression passive.

  “Yeah, well, I did it for you – for the guy who’s been keeping me up at night because I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to be in his arms, to kiss him, to do everything with him!”

  “Seriously?”

  Jesus, apparently I had to spell it out for him.

  “Yes! Jared, I haven’t stopped thinking about you since the day we met. You are so beautiful, inside and out. You’re everything to me in case you haven’t realized it. I never knew I could fall for someone so incredible, but then I met you. I honestly don’t think you have a clue about the way I see you. You’re such an amazing person, but you’re so scared all the time. You’re so afraid to live the life you want, so you look for these reasons to keep it from happening. Stop being afraid! Stop being scared of hurting everyone by doing something you want. Be selfish for once! And goddammit, just admit that you like me, because you know you do!”

  I was out of breath again from practically screaming at him.

  His eyes flashed as he looked at me. “I am afraid! I’m always afraid!” he screamed at me. “Don’t you get that?! I’ve been hurt by a lot of people in my life who haven’t given a shit about me – my parents fucking left! The first girl I ever dated cheated on me like I was nothing to her! And on top of it all, I live in fear that I could get randomly gunned down at any point in the day, because it happened once before! I’m always afraid, Cassie, and for just a little while, with you, I wasn’t. I was happy and excited about what my life could be like with you in it, because you seemed like you understood what I was going through. You got me, and no one has ever understood me before. I’ve always been an outsider, and I’m okay with that, but with you, I felt like maybe I wasn’t so alone for the first time in my whole goddamned life! And then last week it felt like I’d lost you, and I was so fucking pissed.”

  “You never lost me, Jared. It was all in your head. There hasn’t been a day this summer that I haven’t wanted to be with you. At first I held back because I felt guilty about liking you, but it got to a point where I couldn’t do that anymore. It hurt worse to not be with you. I know why you pulled away when I kissed you. I get that you didn’t want to hurt Scott, but everything after that was in your head. All you had to do was tell me how you felt, and I would have been right there telling you I felt the same way. And you’re not alone! I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere,” I insisted, stepping closer to him.

  Pain twisted his face. “For now, but what happens at the end of the summer when you go back to school? That’ll be it for us. You’ll get your life back, and I’ll be left here feeling empty all over again.”

  “Why are you so sure that I’m going to leave?” I insisted.

  I had a feeling I’d been subconsciously thinking it for a while, but I knew in that moment that if I was with Jared, I wasn’t going to go back to school. And maybe that was a cop out. Maybe it was an excuse not to go back because I was scared, but either way, I knew that if I was with him, I wouldn’t want to leave.

  “Because why would you stay?” he responded, sounding defeated.

  I stepped closer to him, my face inches from his. “Because I have a reason to stay,” I said firmly. “I’d stay for you, because just the thought of being three hours away from you makes me feel like I’m going to suffocate. This week has sucked, because you shut me out. All I’ve wanted was to get closer, and you’re the one who kept pushing me away.”

  My voice had gotten progressively softer as my rant had continued and I closed the distance between us, inching closer to him, craving the feel of his body against mine. It had been far too long. I tentatively slid my arms around his waist, and he didn’t stop me. He looked down at me as I looked back up at him, my eyes pleading for him to believe me.

  “Don’t push me away again,” I said softly. “Please, Jared.”

  He closed his eyes and then opened them again, his arms sliding around me, pulling me against him where I could inhale his familiar scent. “I’ve always loved how you say my name, ever since the first time you said it when I thought I hated you. Cassie, I want you. I’ve wanted you since the day we met. Trust me, but there were so many things telling me to stay back and don’t cross that line with you. And seeing you flirting with those assholes last weekend, it was like a wake-up call.”

  “Jared, it didn’t mean anything. Trust me,” I insisted, because I needed him to believe me. “You are the only guy I’ve been able to think about for weeks. I just want to be with you, and I know you want it too.”

  God, I felt so desperate, like we were holding on by a thread and it was going to snap at any second. Jared looked so torn as he searched my eyes for the truth. It killed me to see him that way.

  “I don’t want to lose you,” he said softly. “If we do this – and God do I want to do this with you – I don’t want to get hurt.”

  I looked into his beautiful blue eyes that were filled with an equal mix of sadness and desperation. “Jared, I would never hurt you. You are one of the most special people in my life. I need you to know that.”

  With my arms around his waist, I pulled him tighter against me. I wanted so badly to just make his pain go away. He’d been hurt by so many people in his life, and I was determined to never let him get hurt again. He was so scared. I wanted him to see that people like me and Scott and Austin and the rest of the Larsons cared about him. I wanted him to know that I wasn’t ever going to leave him. I wasn’t going to hurt him. But I felt like I needed to prove it to him.

  “You said you felt guilty for liking me at the beginning of the summer,” he said then. “Was it because of your ex-boyfriend?”

  At the mention of Will, I reached up and fingered the charm around my neck. It was almost an involuntary reaction.

  “He gave that to you, didn’t he?” Jared deduced, his hand reaching up to close around mine.

  I nodded. “He did. He gave it to me the night we go
t together. It was a sort of Christmas present because we were going to be separated for three weeks.”

  “What is it?”

  “It’s a paper airplane,” I said, seeing the irony for the first time.

  From the way Jared’s body stiffened, I knew he could see it too. He released the grip he had on my hand.

  I bit my lip. “It’s supposed to be symbolic of being separated from someone you care about. That’s why he gave it to me. But the thing is, when I think of paper airplanes now, I always think of you. I think about the jokes you write on them in class and how you make me laugh so Mr. Graves gives me the evil eye. I think about how you’ve slipped them into my backpack or left them on the counter by the drink machine at the restaurant with little notes that make me smile. I’ve saved all of them.”

  “You have?”

  I nodded as I released the hold I had on the charm and slid my arm back around Jared’s waist. “I have a shoebox at home stuffed with them.”

  “How long were you with him?” Jared asked, changing the subject back to Will. I knew he still had questions he needed answered.

  “Not long. Five weeks in total. We were friends for a long time. He had a serious girlfriend, but she broke up with him a month before we got together. In truth, I was probably his rebound girl. He was going to graduate in August, and I doubted we would have made it past this summer. But I never got to find out.”

  Was it wrong that I was glad I never got to find out? Not that I wanted Will to be dead. No, I wanted him to be very much alive, but if I were to compare the guy I thought I loved with the guy in my arms, there was no comparison. Jared won out any way I looked at it.

  “Did you love him?” Jared asked.

  “No,” I said quickly, definitively. “I thought I did. For a long time, I mistook my feelings for love, and I think I did love him, but I wasn’t in love with him. We were friends for so long, and I cared about him so much, but we weren’t together long enough to fall in love with each other. I’ve never been in love before.”

  “Me neither,” Jared said softly. “But I think, if were being honest, I could fall in love with you.”