Quirk In Progress
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Disney promises that economic benefits from increased tourism and merchandise sales will benefit the entire region. Preliminary job fairs have overflowed and many large companies have expressed eagerness to secure lucrative contracts. Some key partnerships have been announced. Manischewitz has won the wine bar franchise, and McDonalds has committed to a whimsical chain of “McFish and Loaves” theme restaurants.
Disney promises that 3500 years of invasions, crusades, rebellions and disagreements will come to a happy ending when the enormous Disney water slide opens on the Mount of Olives.
Originally published in Sage News. November 4, 2013
Put Saturn Back in Saturnalia
December is here and once again fellow Romans are wearing red pointy hats, exchanging gifts, eating too much and looking forward to celebrating the Birth of The Lord on December 25th.
That’s right! The festival of Saturnalia starts on December 17th and culminates with the birthday of the glorious Sol Invictus on the 25th. It’s the most beautiful time of the year when we light candles to counter winter’s darkness and pray that Sol will soon return light to the world.
This is the hopeful season when both the poor and the mighty decorate their homes and streets. Many will don outlandish costumes, and some will take advantage of the total suspension of public morality to run around naked and engage in acts that, during the rest of the year, would be make a pig blush. For those who need extra encouragement there will be exotic drink to lubricate the all night parties.
Every city, town and hamlet across the empire will designate a “Lord of Misrule” to encourage mayhem and speak truth to power. Remember: short of murder, during Saturnalia week nothing you say or do can be held against you. Bosses become workers and workers, bosses. The meek inherit the earth and turn it upside down, if only for a week so stick it to The Man!
Alas, there is a dark side to all the merriment. Prudish forces of political correctness are trying to coopt our ancient traditions. Some insist upon saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Io Saturnalia.” They suggest that the week of mayhem and irreverence might better be replaced with just one quiet, solemn day on the 25th.
Don’t be fooled by these newcomers! We must hold fast to our traditional values of lasciviousness and sacrifice. And when it comes to sacrifice, don't forget that the Gods prefer suckling pigs.
Io Saturnalia!
Originally Published in Sage News. December 13, 2013
Republicans Were Right: Obamacare Unleashes Armageddon
The American economy imploded as Obamacare insurance exchanges released a torrent of viruses that destroyed the internet.
The unheeded warnings of Republican lawmakers were vindicated, just before the constitution was suspended and the government was dissolved by left wing extremists. Independent reports of jailed Tea Party lawmakers being forced to watch Teletubbies reruns could not be confirmed.
Martial law was declared as socialized medicine spread like a plague. A junta of foreign-born generals imposed a military crackdown and instructed jackbooted federal agents to seize guns from law-abiding citizens.
Homosexuals took advantage of the chaos to impose the heretofore secret Gay Agenda across much of the rural south. “We are not red states. We are not blue states. We are pink states,” a mustached spokeswoman insisted.
Hollywood released a slew of age-inappropriate movies that were broadcast live over the freshly nationalized Fox News stations. The video game industry celebrated the collapse of all moral standards by releasing hyper-realistic first person shooters in which children are encouraged to kill puppies with automatic weapons.
Catholic schools were forced to distribute condoms and cathedrals were turned into Planned Parenthood clinics. Many churches reported instances of bibles erupting in spontaneous combustion.
“The President’s agenda is now complete,” said a reptile-skinned White House spokesman who identified himself only as Lucifer. “We’re looking forward to finally winning the annual War on Christmas year.”
Originally Published in Sage News. October 1, 2013
US Immigration Service Refuses Entry to Migrating Geese
The US Immigration and Naturalization Service, the INS, have told migrating Canadian geese to keep flying. The many species of birds generally referred to as “honkers” have been declared “undesirable flying aliens” and will be denied landing permits.
“They swarm. They shit. They squawk, said an INS official during a private phone call monitored and made public by the Canadian government. “Their butts are big enough to hide a bomb in.”
He also asserted that many geese spend the winter in Mexico and might be involved in drug smuggling.
“The annual goose migration is a Trojan horse. It would be fine if these so-called birds just came here to make duvets and down jackets, but this is worse than spring break in Florida. Loud, messy geese eat our beautiful front lawns, trample our pristine parking lots and chase our innocent children around play grounds. I’ve even heard rumors of angry birds destroying property.”
Luckily for Ottawa, revelations about Canadian government eavesdropping on US phone traffic seems to interest the American public less than threats to gun owners’ rights.
US Hunters were initially outraged over any possible encroachment on their constitutional right to bear arms and use them against foreigners. In response to the National Rifle Association’s considerable clout, the INS encouraged citizens to shoot any non-native species landing on US soil.
International airlines demanded an immediate exemption.
Originally published in Sage News. October 28, 2013
Top 10 Reasons to Avoid Top 10 Lists
10) So-called, self-proclaimed experts rarely have more than three good ideas.
9) People who bury simple truths in peppy buzzwords probably don’t have an original thought in their head.
8) At the end of the day when the rubber hits the road, results oriented best practices will put enough wood behind the arrow to tee up a robust path forward.
7) My grandfather didn’t worry about his “core competencies.”
6) There are usually one or two filler items, completely unrelated to the topic at hand.
5) The word “refrigerator” has five syllables. Useful in haiku.
4) As experts run out of deep insights, they toss in thinly veiled attempts to sell stuff.
3) My novel is a thinly veiled satire full of deep insights steeped in history and lightly simmered in a humorous broth. It’s priced to go and I’ll be signing them in the back of the room after my presentation.
2) Fluff, fluff, fluff and more fluff. Rainbows, unicorns, more fluff. Did I mention “refrigerator?” Have I plugged my novel?
1) If it’s too good to be true, it’s probably #1 on the list
Originally published in Sage News. October 3, 2013
Twitter Success in 10 Easy Tweets
1)First rule of Twitter: don’t tweet about Twitter.
2)Twitter, schmitter! My German grandfather barely spoke 140 characters in his entire life.
3)Twitter tip: If you run out of stuff to tweet, the works of Shakespeare are public domain.
4)Vwls r mstly unncssry whn twtg stpd insgnfcnt sht tht rlly dsn’t mttr
5)Twitter tip: shorten all urls so nobody has a freaking clue what they’re clicking on
6)RT = re-tweet. #FF = follow Friday. D#ASS = dumb ass
7)Sometimes it’s fun to invent #longobnoxioushastags just see if they go viral
8)Don’t fight with Twitter pigs unless there’s a real possibility of Twitter #bacon
9)A picture’s worth 1000 words. That’s about 7 tweets
10)Enjoy Twitter while it lasts. After the TWTR stock crash, we’ll be charged by the character.
Originally published in Sage News. October 7, 2013
Higgs Wins Nobel Prize for Finding Particle He Lost
Protest erupted in Sweden after Dr. Peter Higgs was
awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics for finding the boson that bears his name.
Mrs. Edna Frood of Stockholm was one of many demonstrators demanding justice. “Why is there a prize for finding something you lost?” she asked. “Next they’ll give a prize to Little Bo Peep for finding her sheep.”
Dr. Higgs is famous for predicting the existence of the sub-atomic particle after misplacing it in 1964. He is less known for having predicted the arrival of 1965. “I am so happy to have found my boson,” Higgs said in a statement. “I next look forward to finding my missing sock.”
Higgs had no explanation as to how his lost boson managed to get inside the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva, Switzerland. Swiss authorities were swift to demand that Higgs donate his prize money to repair collision damage wrought by his high speed particle.
In attempting to justify the award, the Nobel committee explained that Higgs’ boson was so small that no one ever expected him to find it. A spokesman pointed out that US President Barack Obama was awarded a Nobel Prize for peace that he still hasn’t found, so at least Higgs has accomplished something useful.
The boson is also known as the “God particle” because it looks like Morgan Freeman. It will be on display in the Vatican during Holy Week.
Originally published in Sage News. October 8, 2013
TED Talks Cancelled for Lack of New Ideas
Since the first TED Talk in 1984 entitled "How to Program Your VCR," the conferences have become a worldwide phenomenon. TED has become the place for the intellectual elite to rub shoulders and celebrate advances in flying robots. In the past, these rarified gatherings have hosted such luminaries as Al Gore, Stephen Hawking, and Doctor Who.
But all is not well with Ted, the founder of the conference that bears his name.
Citing a "general lack of new ideas," Ted has suspended all 2014 conferences.
Ted, who has never revealed his last name, revealed that he was considering crowd sourcing future talks in the hope that "someone out there has something better to talk about." Ted went on to say, "I don't want to hear another high-tech rant about how schools are killing creativity, why nomads need iPads, or how interpretive dance can save Afghanistan."
Ted expressed deep frustration over the predictable smugness and self-actualization that has infected his conference. "We do get a lot of YouTube clicks, but I suspect it's because people hate us." Off the record, he revealed that he might ban all future presentations of Wii-mote tricks, crowd funded art projects, and uplifting tales of triumph over adversity.
"If the situation doesn't improve, I'll have to change my name."
Originally published in Sage News. October 11, 2013
Prologue from “No Roads Lead to Rome”
When it comes to assassination, execution is everything.
With no witnesses to testify otherwise, and no documents to the contrary, Hadrian seized the reins of the Roman Empire. His claim to the imperial purple, a last-minute writ of adoption, was as thin as the vellum it was scribbled on. To avoid civil war, the legions rallied behind him. After the deaths of four opposing senators, the surviving majority gave their unanimous consent.
On the site of the Golden Milestone, the geographic center of the world from which all distance was measured, Hadrian built a column commemorating the former emperor’s conquests and with great ceremony, buried Trajan’s ashes at the foot of the monument.
Then, reversing everything Trajan had fought for, Hadrian issued a confounding decree. Status quo might be Latin, but it was not his credo. The empire, he said, was swollen to the point of bursting. Rome was overextended, her borders too vast to maintain. Where Trajan had spent his lifetime burning the benefits of civilization across the sacred groves of ungrateful barbarians, the new ruler would shrink the empire. He would set free those who could never be governed, and build a wall around those who could.
The Last Word
If you enjoyed reading these articles, I hope you’ll read my novels, “No Roads Lead to Rome,” and the sequel “Aqueduct to Nowhere.” Both stories are a thick soup of satire and political humor served in a style I call “Historical Friction.”
I’m gratified that my humorous romp through the ancient world became an indie success and I apologize to the scattered history buffs who were expecting something more serious.
I’m also delighted that so many people have read “The Expat’s Pajamas: Barcelona” and shared my family’s quirky experiences in Catalonia.
If you read my work and like it, there’s no greater gift you can offer than posting a review online.
Thanks for reading. I hope all your roads lead to Rome!
R.S. Gompertz
January 2014
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