“Proving my horrible father right,” I say, tears flowing down my cheeks again. “He said such horrible things at the wedding, basically declared that James must have knocked me up for me to marry him, and then, lo and behold, I discover that I actually was pregnant at the wedding!”
“Lola, you and James got legally married months ago. People can add. Nobody’s going to assume you had some kind of shotgun wedding.”
“But I hate the idea that he made that accusation, and that I was already pregnant, so there was truth to it.”
She hugs me again, letting me break down for a few moments. “So that’s the worst part, just your asshole father. Do you know what the best part of this is?” she says sweetly.
“Is there a best part?” I skeptically ask.
“Yes!” She smiles broadly. “The best part is that you’re going to be a mother, and James is going to be a father. You’ll have a beautiful baby to take care of, and you’re both going to be so happy.”
“I wasn’t ready for this, Stacey,” I whisper.
“Maybe you’re just lucky,” she says, holding my hand.
“How is this lucky?”
“Some people can’t even get pregnant if they try, Lola. You got pregnant by accident—you didn’t have to do anything to make it happen. And it’s not like you’re some teenage mom. You’re married, you’ve got money, you’ve got a great house with room for kids and a backyard,” she says. “That makes you pretty lucky in my book.”
I sniffle, and I feel pretty awful for jumping right to despair in this situation. She has a point. I wanted to have children with James, so the only thing messed up about this is the accelerated timeline. But that doesn’t stop any of this from being utterly terrifying.
“He’s going to be so excited when you tell him,” she says, her eyes lighting up.
“Oh, God! I can’t tell him yet!”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t know what I’m going to do. This is too huge for me.”
She gives me a look and raises her eyebrow critically. “I know you, Lola. And I know you’re not going to do that.”
I’m quiet, but I look down at the floor.
“That stays with you,” she says quietly, a solemn tone weaving through her words. “You’ll think about it every day for the rest of your life.”
“Did you…um…do that?” I ask her cautiously.
She nods her head. “I was sixteen. I had just started working with Eva. I got pregnant on a shoot. Eva took me to a doctor and he, uh, took care of it. Eva never spoke of it again, but she beat the crap out of me for letting it happen.”
“Christ, Stacey,” I sigh, hugging her, “I’m sorry.”
“I should have remembered to take my pills, but we were traveling around a lot back then, and she was making me work all the time. Sometimes I just forgot.”
“Boy, do I feel like an ungrateful bitch right now.” I sigh.
I feel her laughing, and she sits back on her heels. “You’ve got it good, Lola,” she teases. “And I really do know you’ll be a good mom. Just look at how much you’ve taken care of me these past few months.”
I sniffle, but this time it’s because I’m touched.
“You guys have both done such nice things for me, finding me a place to stay, helping me get a job, really resuscitating my whole life. I can only imagine how kind and caring you’ll be with a baby.”
“I hope so,” I say, my nose stuffed up from crying.
As I sit there with Stacey, I’m awash with emotions. I’m happy because it really would be awesome to have kids with James, and I have no doubt he’ll be a wonderful father. I’m terrified because I’ve never done this before, and I’m worried about everything my body will have to go through. I’m also concerned about what this might mean for our sex lives, considering James’s barely-contained, mild-to-moderate sex addiction. There will definitely be a period of time when we can’t have sex after the baby is born. Will he get frustrated and end up losing control and cheating on me? I don’t think he ever would, but it’s just one more fear to heap onto this panic pile. I feel a little empowered, like I’m one with nature, growing a life inside me right now. But I also feel apprehensive about telling my mom that my asshole father was right, and that James did knock me up before the wedding. What will she say? What will his parents say? There are just too many variables right now.
“Come on,” Stacey says, offering me her hand. “Let’s figure out how you want to tell James.”
Her big smile gives me hope. If she’s this happy for me, James will be over the fucking moon, jumping up and down, bouncing off the walls delighted. It’s good news, right? It’s cause for celebration, not a complete emotional breakdown.
“Ugh!” I groan. “What the hell am I going to say to my husband?”
Stacey laughs and puts the kettle on to make herbal tea before joining me on the couch and helping me sort out the inevitable speech.
Here we go!
Acknowledgments
Thank you to all my readers, particularly those who have been with me since First Dance. You’ve made the all the struggles worthwhile.
Thank you to the many stars of the adult film world who inspired this story. Your accessibility and encouragement have been huge for me.
Thank you to Alessandra Torre for always being supportive, and for inspiring me to keep writing. Thank you to Julie, Barbara, Carrie, Brittany, Maria, Tracy, Marie, Jenny, and all the ladies of the ’Ville for welcoming me with open arms. I feel like I’ve found my tribe with you crazy gals, and I’m so grateful for you all.
Writers thrive on reviews, so I would like to extend an extra special thanks to everyone who went online to leave a rating or review for one of my books.
About the Author
Bianca Giovanni was born and raised in Boulder, Colorado. She grew up with a single mother and Italian grandmother, who was an avid reader. She is a graduate of The George Washington University where she focused on film theory. She has had a love of writing since childhood, but self-published her first short stories in 2012. Bianca’s strong female characters and witty dialogue have struck a chord with readers and lead to her popularity on self-publishing platforms. She currently resides in Denver, Colorado, where she can often be found jotting down story ideas in a notebook.
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Vice, Virtue & Video: Devoted Page 25
