THE BABY VOW
Page 56
But slowly, his mind woke back up, his thoughts rushing back into the emptiness of his brain as fast as they’d abandoned it. He pulled himself off of Antonia, his hands falling away from her limp fingers, bile rising in his throat as one thought consumed him: What the fuck have I done?
Cal cleared his throat, tugging his whole body away from Antonia’s, even though she shifted underneath him, still awake even if her body was utterly demolished after the brutally rough fuck session they’d just had together. He slipped the used condom of his cock, tossing it in the direction of the trash, grabbing his jeans and boxers off the floor before leaving the room and heading straight for the stairwell.
Cal’s heart pounded in his chest again as he ran up the stairs towards his bedroom, but this time it wasn’t because he was excited. Terror clutched at his heart like a fist, clenching around him so tight he thought he was going to choke to death on his own blood.
I fucked up, he thought as he went into his bedroom, closing and locking the door behind him for good measure. I fucked up so fucking bad. He’d fucked the nanny. He’d complicated things forever. There was no going back.
Chapter Nine
Antonia
Antonia let herself sag against the kitchen counter even though her knees screamed in pain and her back ached after being bent in one position for so long. She licked her lips and gasped for air, her lungs burning as she struggled to suck in as much oxygen as possible. Her ears strained for any sound from upstairs. She knew that Cal had gone up there, but after hearing his door shut she couldn’t make out any other noises from him.
“Fuck,” Antonia whispered to herself as she finally summoned the energy to peel herself off the counter, stumbling on her feet for a moment before she caught her balance. Her heart still thumped inside of her pussy, her hole aching as a result of the rough fucking she’d just experienced but still glowing with pleasure after her amazing orgasm. The sensations she’d felt had ripped through her like a million knives, but in a good way, tearing through all the pain and exhaustion in her muscles until her body surrendered to the pleasure that Cal’s cock gave her. God, he has such an amazing cock, Antonia thought as soon as her brain became capable of putting words together coherently once again. So big. So thick. So fucking hot. Her cunt felt the memory of his cock’s shape, the way he pressed up against her special spots inside, making her feel a thousand different sensations at once. She’d never felt anything like it in her life. It was like being on a rollercoaster, except she hadn’t been afraid. Not really.
But she couldn’t say the same thing for herself now, standing naked, shivering slightly despite the heating system the kitchen full of warmth. Antonia just stood there for a long moment, rubbing her own shoulders and trying to make sure that she didn’t freak the fuck out and run screaming out of the house. I could, you know, she thought to herself. Daniel is at his father’s tonight. I could leave here and never come back. I never have to face Cal again if I don’t want to.
She knew it might be the best option. What were they going to do, continue to work together after Cal had fucked her senseless and then left her without saying a single fucking word? But despite that, she couldn’t seem to force her legs to move, and not just because they ached as a result of the endurance exercise Cal had just put them through.
I don’t want to leave, she realized with a cold, detached certainty. I want to stay. And it wasn’t just because of the money or the stability of the job, either. I want to see him again, Antonia thought. I want to see if he looks at me any differently. I want to see if he liked it as much as I did.
What a fucking idiot, Antonia thought a moment later, scoffing out loud and rubbing her own forehead in frustration. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” she muttered to herself, slowly walking over to the other side of the room to get her clothes off the ground.
This could never happen again. She was so foolish for ever letting it happen once, but there was no way that she could do a repeat performance, even if it had been the most wild, untamed sex she’d ever had in her entire life. She had to make it clear that this couldn’t happen. For Daniel’s sake. For the first time in his life he had a stable home, a place where he could feel safe and secure. She couldn’t risk that by fucking her boss.
Maybe I’ve already fucked it all up, she thought to herself as she slowly shrugged back into her clothes. Maybe he’s about to fucking fire me.
Still, she had to try to make things right. She made a promise to herself as she walked back over to the counter, where the cutting board still sat with its half-chopped vegetables. In the morning, before Cal could leave for work, she would find him and tell him that what happened could not ever happen again. She would set a clear boundary, making sure that they didn’t fuck up and their new, still fragile arrangement could go on undisturbed.
I can do this, she said to herself as she cleaned up the kitchen, her eyes beginning to grow heavy with exhaustion. I can be strong for my son. I can sacrifice for him. I can be a good mother, rather than a selfish brat who risks it all just for a little slice of happiness.
She felt stronger just by saying the promise to herself, but deep inside of her, hidden behind her heart, there was some part of her that went cold, like all of her hope had just slid away. She’d had a taste of something magical, something that could take her out of her body, save her from the bleakness of her dreary life, but she couldn’t have it ever again.
I’ll get over it, she promised herself. She finished cleaning up and headed upstairs to her room. It’ll be like it never happened.
***
Antonia was waiting in the living room the next morning, gripping her coffee cup so hard she worried she might break it with the sheer force of her nervousness, when Cal came running down the stairs.
“Hey, Mr. Amos!” she called out when he was halfway to the door, jumping to her feet and following him.
Cal didn’t stop moving, though, and he had his hand on the doorknob before she could even catch up with him.
“Mr. Amos, I need—” Antonia started to say, but Cal cut her off by opening the front door.
“We can discuss whatever it is later,” Cal said, his voice stiff and formal. “I’m late for work.”
Before Antonia could think up a response, he walked through the front door, slamming it hard behind him. And he was gone.
“What the fuck?” Antonia whispered to herself, feeling immediately drained, like someone has sucked all of the energy out of her with a vacuum cleaner.
As she walked back over to the couch, her body sagging against the cushions, she realized that she felt more than annoyed. She felt…hurt, her skin prickling like someone hit her.
So he doesn’t want to talk about it, Antonia realized, forcing herself to take a sip of her coffee in the hopes of restoring some of her lost energy. He doesn’t want to acknowledge that anything happened. He doesn’t want anything to change.
She should have felt relieved, even grateful that she wouldn’t have to have an awkward conversation essentially telling a guy that he wasn’t going to get laid again. But she felt weirdly uncomfortable, almost nauseated as she thought of what Cal must have been thinking about the events of the previous night.
It was just a fuck to him, Antonia thought. It was just a random thing that he did to let off steam, and he doesn’t think of me as special in any way. I was just a receptacle for whatever he was going through at the moment. It wasn’t about me at all.
She slowly sipped at her coffee, feeling numb and a little empty as images from the night before flashed through her mind’s eye along with memories of the sensations she’d felt creeping up through her arms and legs. Antonia sighed deeply and shook her head at herself. She shouldn’t have felt disappointed at all. She didn’t want a relationship, especially not with someone like Cal, who barely even talked to her let alone treat her with respect.
Men are fucking useless, Antonia said silently to herself. All they do is disappoint you. They build you up and then let you
down, letting you fall on your ass without even offering to help you up. They aren’t worth my time.
She repeated the words on a loop in her head, over and over again until she felt like she really believed them. “I’m okay,” she said out loud to herself as she finished her coffee and got to her feet to stretch, pulling her body this way and that like she could undo the memory of fucking Cal. “I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.”
As soon as Bobby woke up, walking downstairs with a big smile on his face as he saw Antonia, she plastered on a fake grin and pretended that she actually believed her own mantra. I’m not okay, she thought to herself as she set about making Bobby breakfast.
I am not fucking okay.
But it didn’t matter. She was a mother. She wasn’t allowed to be “not okay.” She wasn’t allowed to be anything at all, and she would just have to learn to get used to that. There was no use being sad about a love affair that was over before it even started, one that she wasn’t even sure she actually wanted.
It never happened, she said to herself. It never happened, and I should be glad of that.
But no matter how hard she tried, she could never quite convince herself that that was true.
Chapter Ten
Antonia
Later that day, Antonia dropped by her ex’s house to pick Daniel up. She had to take Bobby with her even though she knew that Paul was going to have questions she didn’t want to answer. “Come here, big boy, let Antonia hold you,” she said as she scooped Bobby up into her arms, carrying him all the way up to Paul’s front door.
“You’re late,” Paul said by way of greeting as he opened the door. He looked like shit, like even spending fifteen hours with his kid was too much for him. Antonia didn’t really have any sympathy for him, especially after all he’d put her through when they were married.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, just get him out here,” Antonia said, hitching Bobby up higher in her arms.
“Who’s this?” Paul said, pointing at Bobby and narrowing his eyes at Antonia suspiciously. Antonia was tempted to scoff, annoyed at the implication behind Paul’s question. What, does he think I had another fucking kid while he wasn’t paying attention? Antonia thought to herself, biting down on her own bottom lip just to keep herself from laughing at Paul. He was such a fucking idiot. What had she ever seen in him in the first place?
“My new job,” Antonia replied. “Will you bring me my son, please?”
“You can come in for a minute, you know,” Paul said, opening the door wider to let Antonia inside.
Antonia just shook her head, staring blankly at Paul until he sighed and backed away into his house to get Daniel. “It’ll be just another minute, Bobby, and then we can go back home and bake brownies,” she said.
“Okay,” Bobby said, beaming up at her. Sometimes, when Bobby was particularly sweet, Antonia doubted that Cal was really his father. He looked like him, at least from certain angles, but in terms of personality they were so different. Bobby was so sweet and generous, always making sure that Daniel had as much food as him and got to play with Bobby’s toys as much as he wanted. By contrast, Cal was a cold hard shell of a person. He was like this robot, his metal skin impenetrable. Looking down at Bobby’s sweet, happy little face, she knew for sure that it had been insanely stupid of her to ever think that Cal would be interested in her in any romantic way. If Bobby—lovely, perfect, kind Bobby, who had a heart way too big for his tiny body—couldn’t get past Cal’s many shields, there was no way anyone was getting in there.
“Mommy!” Daniel called out, dashing through the living room and crashing into Antonia’s legs, hugging her as tightly as he could.
“Well, hello to you, too!” Antonia said, smiling down at her son. It was a relief to know that no matter what, her son could still bring her joy just by hugging her and showing her that she was loved. She was appreciated. It didn’t matter if everything else in her life was shit, as long as she had Daniel. “Come on, baby, let’s go home,” she said, leaning down to pet the top of Daniel’s head, smoothing over his messy hair.
“Aren’t you going to say thank you?” Paul said from somewhere inside his house.
Antonia rolled her eyes. She knew that it was probably useless to engage in any conversation with him at all, but she decided to take the bait, probably because she was already on edge from all the stuff with Cal. “What are you talking about?”
“For watching him,” Paul said, stepping out into the living room again where Antonia could see him.
Antonia scoffed, scowling at her ex-husband. “You don’t get a cookie for watching your own son, Paul. It doesn’t work that way.”
Paul shrugged. “I don’t know, Antonia. I mean, I’m sure you had a lot of fun yesterday. Go on any dates?”
Antonia flushed, her whole body going hot as she thought of what had happened the night before. Could Paul smell it on her or something? Still, she tried to keep her face calm, unwilling to let Paul know that he’d actually shaken her up at all. “No, I was busy with work. You know, I had to find a new job since you ruined the last one for me.”
“That wasn’t me,” Paul said, but Antonia just rolled her eyes again, not believing him for a second. “But anyway, I just want you to know that you need to tell me before you start dating anyone, okay?”
“What? Why?” Antonia asked.
“So I can run a background check on the guy,” Paul said. “There are a lot of crazies out there, you know, lot of creeps. I don’t want anybody with a record hanging around my son.”
“And why the hell do you think I’d let a dangerous man around Daniel?” Antonia said, silently reproaching herself for cursing around the children. She’d been getting better at not doing that, but Paul just got on her last nerve. She didn’t understand how she’d stayed married to him for so long. He was a piece of garbage, really, not a man.
“I’m not saying you would do it on purpose,” Paul said. “But you don’t think things through sometimes. Like the thing with your landlord, right? You picked a shitty place to live, and then you get surprised when the landlord turns out to be a scumbag. That’s no way to raise Daniel, Antonia.”
That was it. Antonia couldn’t force herself to be nice to this asshole, even in front of the children. “Don’t you ever talk to me about how to raise my son,” Antonia said between clenched teeth, reaching forward to pull Daniel closer to her side.
“He’s our son,” Paul corrected her. “Not just yours.”
Antonia huffed out a bitter laugh. “Right. That’s why you’re the one working your ass off to take care of him and make sure that he’s well fed and has a stable home. Oh, wait…” She hardened her gaze, glaring at her ex-husband with as much disdain as she could muster.
“Whatever,” Paul said, shrugging in defeat. “Just make sure whatever creep you’re fucking now doesn’t put his hands on our kid. Okay? See you later.” Paul slammed the door in Antonia’s face, and Daniel gripped harder onto his mother’s legs, whining a little under his breath. Antonia inwardly reproached herself, not for the reasons Paul had given, but because she’d lost her temper in front of her son. I shouldn’t have done that, she thought as she guided the two boys back to her car. Daniel needs to know that it’s okay for him to love his father without feeling like he’s betraying me. I shouldn’t let him see our conflicts.
Antonia kept beating herself up on the drive back over to Cal’s house, but she forced a smile on her face as soon as they got home, letting the two boys dash around the house wildly as she prepared the ingredients for the brownies. She kept her mind focused on baking, trying not to let her thoughts drift off into dangerous territory, but every so often she flashed back to what had happened in the kitchen the night before. God, I’ve never been fucked so well in my entire life, she thought as she poured the thick batter out into a pan. How the hell am I going to act normal around him tonight?
Antonia pushed the question out of her mind. She didn’t have an answer for it, so there was no use torturing
herself by obsessing about it. She’d just have to handle the situation as maturely as she could manage, but in all honesty, it was more likely that Cal would continue to ignore her for as long as she worked at his house. Good, she thought to herself as she waited for the brownies to finish baking. I don’t want him to want me. It makes things simpler.